tl;dr: boyfriends ex-wife wants unsupervised time at his place.
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I (27F) have been dating Kyle (28M) for about 6 months now.
Before our relationship, he was with Chloe (28F) for around 12 years. They were each other’s first serious relationship and experienced a lot together—graduating into adulthood, losing a parent on each side, and eventually getting married. Due to her infidelity, poor communication, and other unresolved issues that snowballed over time, Kyle filed for divorce in 2024 after five years of marriage.
Kyle’s current living situation is… complicated. He lives in Chloe’s childhood home. He moved in with her family shortly after turning 18 because of conflict with his own. After Chloe’s mother passed away, her father decided to buy a new house and rent the original one to Kyle and Chloe. Later on, Kyle ended up purchasing the home—partly for stability, partly because it made financial sense. Since Chloe lacked stable income, he kept the house in the divorce, and she moved in with her father.
Here’s where things get messy.
Chloe and her father are hoarders. After her mother passed away, literally everything was kept—broken jewelry, expired medications, even items that had been urinated on by one of Chloe’s multiple dogs. When she moved out, Chloe left behind most of her belongings and half of her dogs, telling Kyle she “didn’t have room for them” at her dad’s house. That was nearly a year ago.
Kyle has been left to manage her mess—emotionally, physically, and financially. He’s slowly cleaning out the house, dealing with neglected animals, and trying to reclaim the space as his own. Chloe still texts him to ask about random items or demand things like furniture or heirlooms, and she speaks as if she still has some ownership or say in what happens there.
Recently, what really broke the camel’s back for me is that Chloe has been asking—multiple times—to come by the house to pick up “some of her things.” For context, there is an entire room in the house filled from floor to ceiling with her belongings.
She’s also asking to come by to let out the four dachshunds she left behind. But the part that bothers me most is that she’s demanding to do all of this unsupervised. She insists she must be alone in the house while she sorts through her things or visits the dogs—which she voluntarily left in Kyle’s care almost a year ago.
To me, that crosses a boundary. This is now Kyle’s home, and she has no official ties to it anymore. I understand wanting closure or to collect your things, but demanding full access and privacy in your ex-husband’s house seems really inappropriate—especially when he is being kind enough to house her items and pets in the first place.
Not to mention—it’s also a place I frequent. I sleep over regularly and keep personal belongings here, too. Her being able to come and go without any oversight makes me feel uneasy in a space that’s beginning to feel like part of my life as well.
My question is: How do I support my partner while also protecting my own peace and boundaries? What’s reasonable to expect of him in terms of dealing with his ex, and how do I express my discomfort without sounding controlling or insensitive to his history?
Comments
Tough situation tbh. Is it possible to add locks to certain rooms so yours/his stuff is protected? Also maybe add a camera just in case? Can your man also not set a deadline for her to collect the rest of her stuff so this doesn’t keep dragging on?
Agree that boyfriend is the one that needs to set the boundary here for her to get her stuff out by a certain time/date to protect both of your peace. Either that or you set a boundary and protect your own peace by not staying over until she has all her stuff out and he has stronger boundaries w/ her.
Kyle should look into abandonment laws and act according to those. After some time, it would mean Chloe has given up her rights to the stuff and it’s Kyle’s to do what he wants with it. Chloe will hate him, but it is the way to permanenly lose contact. Those abandonment laws vary per area and this also includes heirlooms, so Kyle should perhaps get a chat with a legal advisor on how to approach it all properly.
Best would be to figure out Kyle’s position, sort out the heirlooms and put those in a storage, pay one month for that and hand the info to Chloe. She can sort her shit in that storage place. The rest can then go to a junkyard within weeks. May cost some, but it’s kind of effective that way. It’s cheaper than having Chloe come over for years in unusable parts of Kyle’s house while he tries to move on.
All you can do is encourage Kyle to find his way in this all. If he tries his best, stay. If he keeps this half assed thing with Chloe going, move on. He has to want to get rid of Chloe’s presence in his life.
He needs to disentangle from this ex.
Belongings should have been sorted out in the divorce.
Out of the goodness of his heart, he can give her x number of days to provide a list of things she wants and negotiate a time for her to get those things and then she needs to go away.
She doesn’t get unfettered access to wander through a place she no longer lives to shop for the things she wants to take. This is her way of maintaining control over him. If he wants to let her see the dogs she abandoned, the can negotiate time at a dog park where he can bring the dogs and she can visit with them and bring them back. But rightly or wrongly, pets are considered property and this should have been worked out in the divorce.
If this isn’t something he can navigate, then maybe you need to step back so he has the space to figure this out. Take your things home and let him stay at your place instead.