Hi everyone, I (24F) have been with my boyfriend (27M) for 3 years. Things have been rough lately. We used to barely argue, but over the last year, my depression and anxiety got worse, and so did our relationship. When we disagree, I get anxious and push for conversation. He gets overwhelmed and shuts down. That dynamic turns small disagreements into huge fights. I’m not great at listening, and I tend to keep pushing when he needs space.
Last week, we had one of our worst fights ever. I mocked him during it, and he asked me to leave. It was incredibly painful. The next day, he asked me to come back and talk. We had a long conversation and realized that we’ve both been afraid to share what we really think and feel, worried we’ll hurt each other. That fear has made our communication terrible.
Since then, we’ve been having honest conversations — and we’re both appreciating that shift. But it’s also forced us to look seriously at what the future might hold. We’re both still hurting from the fight. Yesterday, we talked about whether this is even healthy anymore. Whether love is enough. Whether we’re just too different. I’m emotionally expressive, and he tends to shut down. It’s hard to feel connected when we communicate in such different ways.
The part that stuck with me most, though, was when he said he hasn’t felt happy in a long time. He said it’s not about me — it’s just how he is. He said if he disappeared tomorrow, he’d be fine with it. That completely broke my heart. I know he’s not suicidal, and he’s in the process of seeing a psychologist, which I’m proud of him for. I think that’s a huge step.
But now I’m left wondering what I can do. I want to support him, I want to make him feel loved and seen, but I also don’t want to lose myself in trying to fix something I can’t fix alone.
What I want: I want to be the best support I can for him without enabling unhealthy patterns or burning out emotionally. I also want to keep working on our relationship, but I don’t know what “helping” looks like when he says he just doesn’t feel happy as a person. What should I do?
TL;DR: My boyfriend (27M) and I (24F) have been together for 3 years and recently had a huge fight. It’s led to some very honest conversations. He admitted he hasn’t felt happy in a long time and said he’d be okay just disappearing. He’s not suicidal, and he’s seeking therapy. I want to support him and work on our relationship, but I don’t know how to help someone who feels that way.