TLDR: struggling with grief of realising that bf who told me about a future together has been keeping me a secret from his friends and family this whole time.
My bf (28m) and I (27f) have been in a relationship for 1.5 years. Mostly long distance but I’m about to come back to the country so the distance will end.
During that time he’s met my friends, stayed over at my flat, was even my plus one to my best friend’s wedding. On the other hand, I’ve never met any of his friends, his family (ambiguous whether they know I exist because his family is religiously conservative) nor have I stayed over at his flat (he lives alone).
Since about six months ago, I started feeling really weird about this but couldn’t put my finger on why since otherwise his commitment to me hasn’t wavered (he flew out to see me multiple times, made it clear he loved me etc). Eventually I asked him flat out why I had never met his friends or family and why he’s never addressed it. He was quite cagey and defensive, and tried to say I was overthinking it, that I would obviously meet them when I came back to the country and that was that.
The thing is, I’ve been back to the country, and each time he’s still made no effort for me to meet literally anyone in his life. He doesn’t bring it up, he doesn’t even mention it in passing. Surely somebody who wants you to be in their life would mention it?? Like “hey I know we’re long distance right now but I can’t wait for you to meet X I’m sure you’d get along?”
Recently I broke down and essentially threatened to break up with him because I’m in the country right now and he still hasn’t made any movements to address my concerns. He eventually said let’s have a call with his best friend while I was mid breakdown and I declined as I was literally having a panic attack. I told him he needs to outline a plan for how and when I’m going to meet the people in his life and he did write me a long message for steps he’s going to take. But now I don’t even know if I want to go through the motions since I had to fight so hard to be included in his life?? (Also I guess I don’t trust that he’s going to follow through since he hasn’t done so before)
Is there anything I can do to get clarity on the situation?
Comments
There’s nothing you can do, this is all on him to make the next step. If he doesn’t make any effort then you’ll have to decide for yourself whether to continue this relationship.
You’re either the side piece or he’s not serious about you. Either way it’s time to dump him. The best friend was a ploy, of course the best friend will back him up!
Sounds like you have all the clarity you need
that last paragraph – sounds like you could find someone else then
That’s a crazy long time, not only for not yet having addressed something that should be so simple but also not having given you a senseful and logical reason or explanation for it.
I’m gonna take a leap here that is far too common here in reddit: odds are high you may not be the only woman in his life. Especialy considering the long distance relationship you had until recently, this might not have been even difficult for him to manage. So if you have any gut feeling that this may a possibility, you should further look into it.
Regardless, this is where you’re at right now and you’ve gotta accept the situation as is. Its clear to you this isn’t how a healthy relationship should be or what you’d like it to be. Don’t hang on to what you wish the relationship was, because wish thinking isn’t going to change the dynamic.
Good luck