For a bit of context, my partner (let’s call him X), and I both have difficult upbringing, and a lot of relational trauma.
We got a civil partnership in 2022, but had to rush it due to certain pressing administrative stuff. However, according to him, he planned on doing it anyway already at some stage because he was committed, so he didn’t mind rushing it early. I also love him a lot, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I viewed this basically like a marriage. I thought we were on the same page. But now after a few events, I no longer know what to think.
First, there are some ideological differences between my partner and I. While I am terrified of marriage, seeing the financial and emotional abuse and neglect my mother went through, I still have idealism when it comes to the concept of being with one person forever, and promising to do your best to stay with that person. I tied this idealism to the civil partnership.
My partner however, thinks the actual relationship between 2 people is more important than what a piece of paper says. While I was bummed out that to him this civil partnership is just a change of tax brackets, I eventually came around. I figured, if it’s about the promise, which he has made to me, then we are on the same page.
However, there are a few things which has hurt me deeply and really made me lose my trust in him and his commitment towards us:
Spirals : since the partnership, he has spiraled 3 times which led to him “questioning” the relationship. He argues that because each time he chose to stay, it is not him breaking the promise.
1) the first time, he broke up with me and just straight up told me he doesn’t think he can give me what I want, and then a week later after he was less overwhelmed by certain stresses in his life, came back and apologized for making rash decisions while being overwhelmed. I understood this behavior, as I used to struggle with this in the past with C-PTSD, so I accepted him back.
2) The 2nd time, he didn’t leave, but told me he is considering leaving. Eventually we made it work after he stopped being triggered. He apologized once again afterwards and did a lot of stuff to comfort me afterwards.
3) The 3rd time is the recent one which really shook me up. I developed an autoimmune disease last year, and for the most part it was very severe. I was bed ridden, had swelling and hives everywhere, could not think clearly or even walk much. Now I am much better ever since overhauling my entire lifestyle and diet. I got into muscle building and symptoms have greatly improved. X has trauma due to both his parents having cancer, and it reminded him apparently of his parents being ill his whole life. This made him spiral and he admitted to me after I pressed him, that he is considering making a decision to leave because he felt trapped, and was worried he will be stuck next to a loved one who is slowly deteriorating. He ultimately decided to still stay because he “liked me a lot”.
Then there’s other things. I’ve always told him that a ceremony and a ring is important to me. And each time I start planning the ceremony (which takes months) and he spirals like the above, I put it on hold and feel more and more disillusioned. Eventually, I gave up on that because of how long it has been, and just wanted a ring. He knew how important this was to me, but he just kept delaying it for 3 years.
At first it was money concerns, but I told him it’s symbolic, and I don’t need some 10k diamond. A few hundred or even cheaper is enough for me, as long as it’s good quality. A lot of people tie the knot with cheaper rings and upgrade later too.
Then, came a period that he admitted he was just too lazy and kept delaying it. He just didn’t do it. He acknowledges that this is bad and yes this makes me feel like my emotional needs are second priority for him.
After that, his excuse was that there wasn’t a good time to do it, because I was fighting him a lot due to distrust as a result of repeated ruptured trusts and his spirals. And now, the excuse is that since I got sick, he had a mental/emotional blockage because of his doubts.
Ever since the final spiral and just everything that has happened, I find it difficult to trust him. Yes, he comes back every time, but everything suggests to me that he is not as committed as he says he is, and his excuses all just feel convenient now. I now see every single rupture as him basically going back on his promise or somehow delaying delivering what he committed to. I used to try and understand the reasons, as someone who also grew up with a lot of issues, but now I can’t help but feel like this is going to keep happening, only the stakes will get higher and higher if our lives become more entangled and life becomes more stressful. I also feel poisoned by resentment and distrust.
Am I overreacting by interpreting things this way? Should I be questioning his conviction like this? What should I do?
TLDR: 25F in civil partnership since 2022 is losing trust in 25M partner who has “spiraled” 3 times, each time questioning/threatening to leave the relationship when stressed (including when she developed a serious autoimmune disease). Despite promising her a ring/ceremony for 3 years, he’s made excuses and delays. He always “chooses to stay” and is patient when she becomes distrustful afterward, but she now sees a pattern of him treating their commitment as conditional whenever life gets difficult. She’s wondering if she’s overreacting or if her concerns about his unreliable commitment are valid, especially as they face bigger life challenges ahead.