Tl;dr: I suspect I am in a toxic relationship but I can’t accept internally that we should separate because I doubt that it is not an “us” problem but a “me” problem.
Hello everyone,
I have been dating my LDR bf for almost 3 years now. The relationship wasn’t okay since the beginning. Too many incompatibilities: His humour hurts me which makes him call me “too sensitive” , the way we handle conflict : He shut downs or resorts to anger and hurtful words/Sarcasm and runs away while I always need to solve the problem so I can overcome it and don’t let it linger. He prefers to rot in bed when we meet, I prefer to go out and try different activities. He is Muslim, I am just a Theist. I am demi, He is not. He thinks it is okay to look at people you find physically attractive and watch “corn” , I think it is unnacceptable.
From this first paragraph, you’ll ask me then why didn’t you just leave already? well, I can’t accept separation because I need some closure in my mind and nothing I say to myself is enough for me to get that ” closure” . I think it is partly because I am still holding on to hope that things can be fixed ,secondly because we tried so hard to fix things and gave so much energy to this relationship and it feels like such a waste to not keep trying ( aka. sunk cost fallacy) and third because during our conflicts I was always made to feel like I am the source of all problems, that I am broken , that I need to heal. I believed it. I went to therapy and did everything he suggested but I kept feeling the emotions I had when it came to behaviours he did that I didnt like. I still had the same reactions. I even got physically sick and this makes me unable to leave because ” what if I am really the bad one here? ” . This thought tortures me.
I also wanted to ask you is there any valid reason other than betrayal or anything major for your partner to keep telling you that ” you are a problem in my life” , ” you can’t be happy so you make everyone unhappy around you ” , ” you drained my pockets ( money he offered and gifts he bought himself I never asked) , my energy and my time” , ” I can overcome you in 1 year or 2″ , ” I am tired of you ” ?
He also keeps telling me whenever I share my hurt with him ” You are always struggling and hurt. I am used to it. You are not the center of the world and we can’t base everything on your hurt” . and it made me again question myself. is this a valid reason for him to say the above mentioned things? is it a valid reason for him to shut down and ignore my pain and just leave for hours or even a day knowing that I am in physical pain ( I get tachychardia and asthma when very nervous after our conflicts)? I feel like I am going insane and don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore. When I ask him questions like ” why did you say that and now you are saying the opposite? ” or ” why didn’t you keep a promise” he either changes topics making me the bad and insane one or says something very hurtful or says ” I give up. Do whatever you want. I don’t care or want anything anymore.”.
Yesterday I managed to force him to answer me this one question : ” you say everything hurts me whenever I tell you, you hurt me right? then, in this situation how can we know if the actions you did are legitimately bad or not? what 2 people in this situation should do?” he kept deflecting the question and talking about other topics and hurting me with words but ended up telling me ” The overly sensitive person should go and heal and then we can judge the 2nd parties actions or else it would be unfair for the 2nd party.” . Is this really how it works?
It is pretty disorganized but thank you for reading until the end and please be kind if possible. I am genuinely lost and confused.
Comments
Just read this back and ask yourself if you want to be having this same conversation with yourself after giving it 5 years? 3 years with a man who makes you think you’re the problem is better than 3 years and 1 day.
You’re long distance, just leave him decide that the choice is your closure block the man then spend 6 months remembering who you were before he told you all your feelings and who you are as a person was wrong
Whether you’re “too sensitive” or not isn’t relevant: what’s relevant is this guy repeatedly makes you feel bad and, from what you’ve told us, doesn’t seem interested in working with you on these things. He just tells you to change, to therapize, to get better.
What closure could you possibly be hoping for to give you the permission to end this relationship? How much more torment will you endure before you say you’ve seen enough?
It is possible, of course, that you are “too sensitive.” But somebody who loves you would try to work with you on that, not throw it in your face or tell you he doesn’t care about your feelings.
Closure will come from taking control of your life and kicking this guy out of it. Don’t wait for him or the universe to do it for you.