I’ve been friends with a woman (29F) a fellow mother my age (32 F) for 3-4 years, but I’ve reached a point where I feel like we’re just not aligned anymore, especially in how we see the world and treat people.
She has never worked due to a huge family inheritance (and she talks badly about all those family members who provide this lifestyle for her) and doesn’t seem to understand the value of hard work or money. She has a concerning spending issue; and is well aware of how hard it has been to pay our bills in the last few years with inflation. She often complains about everyone in her life; friends, family, even her 13 yo niece. The negativity is draining. She can be vindictive and unkind, and the way she talks about others makes me uncomfortable.
Over time, I’ve realized our values don’t match. I’ve changed a lot and want more peace and emotional maturity in my relationships. I’m at a crossroads where I feel like I need to distance myself, but I also don’t want to ghost her or hurt her unnecessarily.
How do I gently but clearly let her know that I’m stepping back? I’ve accepted that the friendship has run its course, but I still want to be kind in how I handle it.
Has anyone gone through something similar?
TL:DR. friend and I do not share the same values; she’s negative, doesn’t understand the value of work or money, and speaks badly about everyone. I want to end the friendship respectfully without ghosting her, but also without hurting her feelings.
Comments
“Hey, [friend], I’m finding that my priorities in life have changed and I no longer have the time or energy to keep putting into this friendship, so I think it’s time we parted ways.”
You cannot control whether or not she is hurt by you ending the friendship; it’s a rejection, no matter how kindly you phrase it, and rejections hurt.
So make it short, make it clear, and don’t try to “soften the blow” with words that add ambiguity, because all those will do is give her something to latch onto either 1) to try to argue with you to get you to change your mind, or 2) to hold on to hope of reconnecting when there is none (which will cause her to feel more hurt later).
Be simple, be direct, be clear, and then be done. That’s all anyone can do.