Hi all.
My dad (was 45) passed away in April as a result of long term severe alcohol abuse. It can’t really be put into words how devastating it’s been for myself and my siblings (19f and 17m) but his death was not easy or fast, and he lived a very hard life. All three of us had a strained relationship with him when he died for various reasons.
My mom and dad divorced in 2014 after 13 or 14 years together. I know that he was abusive to my mom emotionally and mentally, and our lives improved a lot once they weren’t together and fighting constantly. They couldn’t be in the same room together peacefully at any point afterward and were constantly fighting about something financial or parenting related via text.
My mom has been making some rude comments since his passing. She briefly saw him in the hospital (i told her and stepdad to stay out of the room) and she’s joked to me about how much weight he gained, how sickly he looked, how much he drank, hated driving, liked doordash/uber eats, etc etc. I haven’t pushed back or brought it up because i’m sure she has her own complicated grieving process going on, plus as i’ll get into below she isn’t very receptive to feedback from me.
Yesterday night my mom ended up going after my dad again, she was joking about how she hardly ever saw him run or be physically active, and my stepdad joined in and imitated my dad sprinting to the liquor store bc it’s closing soon. They both had a good laugh about it and I just kind of shut down and walked away.
Myself and my boyfriend have just moved back in with my mom and stepdad as of two weeks ago (finances/cost of living related 🙁 ), and as I’ve discussed with my therapist I know i need to try to set a boundary or tell them how I feel for my own sanity since i’m stuck here a while. I haven’t talked to my siblings but I don’t doubt they’ve been spouting that stuff in front of them too. I have no clue how to approach this as i’m scared of confrontation, my mom has a temper and gets extremely defensive with small criticisms, and my relationship with stepdad is complicated. Is this something I can write out in a text to them? I freeze up hard when trying to go to them in person with conflict.
TL;DR parents are making rude jokes about my dad’s passing 3months ago and I need help asking them to please stop.
Comments
OP, first off, I’m so sorry for your loss. Alcoholism is a hell of a disease, the result of which can leave surviving family and friends feel a lot of different emotions.
I think the adult way to handle this would be to have a family meeting with your siblings to talk about how each of you feels. If this feeling is mutual then the three of you have a larger family meeting with your mom and step dad.
I believe your mom is dealing with her hurt and grief over her traumatic experience. She is grieving her loss and trying to heal pain with what she perceives as funny. This does not provide the same emotional relief for you and instead is causing distress.
You and your siblings can come to your mother from a place of healing and not of blame. “Hey mom, we are hurting and we know you are hurting. The jokes about dad are adding to our grief and we ask that you no longer make those comments around us. We have decided that if you make these comments, then we will be walking away from the conversation. We understand this is your way of dealing with the hurt that dad caused you, but it is not helpful to healing the hurt he caused us.”
If you can’t tell them in words, tell them in writing. That way you can compose your thoughts and not have to deal with having her in your face while saying your piece.
Write your mom a text saying, “I know you hated dad, and you have very good reason. You deserve to get your anger and frustration out. But try to remember that I have an emotional connection to him, too. He was my dad — part of me comes from him. And when you insult him in front of me, it hurts me.
“Like I said, you deserve to get your anger out — but just not around me. You have step dad for that. Dad’s gone now, there’s no reason to bring him up.”