I’m hoping to hear from others in blended families who might have faced something similar.
I live full-time with my partner and my own children, who are also with us full-time. My partner’s kids are with us part-time. I genuinely care about his children and want to help create a home that feels good and safe for all of us — but navigating the parenting differences is becoming emotionally exhausting.
His parenting style is different from mine — which is totally okay in theory — but in practice, it’s creating tension. His kids are younger and still going through phases I’ve already weathered with mine. So when I try to gently step in with guidance or structure, it often backfires. I’m seen as the villain or “too harsh,” even when I’m coming from a place of care and experience.
At the same time, when I’m more relaxed with my own kids — who are older, more independent, and have already gone through the same kinds of growing pains — it sometimes comes off like I’m playing favorites. But the reality is I’ve already spent years doing the hard work with them to get to this point.
Another layer to all this: my partner deeply craves love and closeness with his kids, but they aren’t naturally affectionate or emotionally expressive unless prompted. Meanwhile, my kids are very affectionate with me — unprompted — which I know is hard for him to see. I understand how that must feel, and I try to be sensitive about it, but I also can’t fake or control the dynamic between my kids and me.
He’s still growing into his parenting role and I want to support him. I really do. But I’m starting to feel like no matter what I do — step in, step back, go gentle, be firm — I’m doing it wrong.
If anyone’s been in a similar situation, I’d love to hear how you navigated it. How do you strike a balance between being fair, supporting your partner, and not losing yourself or your relationship in the process?
Comments
I’m not a parent and I don’t have kids, but i feel you and your partner are on different pages.
Your partner wants the goodies – all of the affection – and they don’t understand that this is the reward AFTER all of the hard work. It’s my understanding that children are loving and affectionate after their base needs are met so I think that you may be saying (very nicely), that there are probably some needs here that he is not seeing or meeting. I think that your partner fundamentally does not see all of the work between where they are and where your kids are.
I think there’s a chance he is not going to like the talk that there’s work that they don’t see or even know about. But I think you may be able to angle things that if this is where he wants to get to, these are the things he needs to do to get there.
Regarding being seen as the bad guy, that means that your children feel that if they ask you and if they ask him they will get two different outcomes. If they get the same outcome, there is no bad guy. Then both of you are on the same page. I think it would be good for both of you to get on the same page.
I think there’s a good chance that none of this is new to you and maybe that you have been avoiding this talk because you know it is full of conflict and it is a rocky road.
Yeah, I’ve seen it first hand. And the guy in question was just a terrible parent. That might not be your situation.
If you’re being called the villain, I’d let him take the lead in parenting his own children. Don’t give him unsolicited advice. Don’t enforce rules you don’t both agree on, unless it somehow adversely affects those kids or the household.
He doesn’t sound great, tbh, if his kids aren’t “naturally affectionate” and seeing your kids be affectionate towards you upsets him. And I could be wrong, but it feels like he’s been manipulative over this, which is extra gross.
I’ve done the blended family, and we had one rule. I would parent my kids, my husband would parent his. It worked.
Honestly- and I lived-
The dynamics between his children and him aren’t for you to make yourself smaller with your kids because of what he doesn’t have-
Also, there are therapists to help with his challenges- as much as we would love to help, it isn’t our place and we aren’t equipped to help-
Now, if he’s asking for guidance, of course, yes! Help him- it seems he’s not-
The other part where he thinks your playing favorites- well that’s on him-
When I had a blended family- I didn’t butt in to what or how he was parenting his kids- and vice versa—-
Did you two discuss all of this before moving in together? What were his thoughts then compared to now?