TL;DR, my partner and I don’t agree on things and it seems he wants to control the way our life goes.
I (25F) have been with my partner (26M) for three years now. We met when I moved to his home state to attend college. I have since graduated (2 years graduated), and have been in my career since graduating. We recently talked about what our future looks like, and he allowed me to go first. I stated that I, at some point, want to live in a central location that allows us to have equal access to both of our families, allows us to develop our careers further, and build our our life together. We live in a state where my pay is amongst the lowest in the country for my profession, and his career is based on commission. The population in our town is not very big, so some months, he does not generate much income. He is fantastic at his job, but with a small town, it’d hard to have that consistent income.
However, when that was mentioned, he immediately shot me down. I understand completely the fears of leaving your hometown, so I don’t fault him by any means for being afraid, but his reasons beyond fear are what are causing so much tension. He said that he will never leave his family, and that it’s not fair for me to ask him to ever leave his family to “be set back in life”. He told me that he knew from the beginning that I would eventually want to be closer to family, but he thought he could change my mind as “his family can be my support and give me everything I need as they do for him”. When he talked about building a family, he made comments about how being near his family can allow us to have free daycare, his mother can be present daily to help out, and how his mother can “ensure our kids are raised with the proper religious beliefs”. I don’t fully agree with that as I believe that daycare is good for developing socialization skills, and it helps further brain development (I have a degree in Psychology, so this children’s development is honed into my brain). I understand the religious part as I know he was raised the exact same way, but I feel that portion should be up to us as parents. I tried to offer compromise and he was not budging on it. He said, “this is what I believe and that’s that”.
More recently, we have been having conflict in terms of the relocating situation. Whenever I try to bring it up to gain a better understanding of his position, all I am met with is, “I will never leave my family, I want to die in this state next to my family”. He said that his mother will always be his number 1 priority over everything else in his life, and if I don’t want to stay in his hometown for the long term, then that’s my right to do so, but the relationship will only continue if I tell him that I am willing to stay in his hometown forever and agree to all of the things that he believes should happen.
How do you navigate this? I was raised to believe that relationships were based on compromise and finding a middle ground that works for the both of you.
Comments
The Highway seems like the better option. Your opinion matters.
You choose the highway.
I’d take the highway.
Yeah, you navigate it by taking the highway.
There’s no negotiation.. only you relenting and losing giving him his way..
I’d pick the highway and that attitude is very unhealthy…
YIKES, sounds like as long as you do everything his way, he is willing to stick around.
He doesn’t like you, let alone love you. Pack up, make sure to take anything you value before you tell him because I think he expects you to bend the knee.
There is no compromise with a selfish entitled bully. Don’t worry, he’ll find some other sucker that’s self esteem is so shattered she will be willing to take his crumbs.
Haunt him, be the one that got away. Don’t let this rando stop you from meeting your husband.
Take the highway, sis.
I have had this mentality forever and I’ve only left my home town once for a year . I couldn’t handle it and never got used to it and always wanted to come back to where everything makes sense . It did put a lot of pressure on my relationship . I gave her the my way or the highway option and she chose the highway .
So if I was you I’d choose the highway to because it’s your life to live to . If he’s comfortable where he is then leave him there and go and do what you want to do
Take the highway. He doesn’t sound like a catch. Time to release.
Navigate your vehicle straight for the off ramp
Choose the highway….always choose the highway
He is too stunted to see anything but his own wants and he will not change!!! Be miserable where you are and living by his rules only or go find actual happiness with a real adult who communicates and works together to build the best life FOR BOTH OF YOU!
You break up. Even if you gave in now, eventually you’d come across a situation that requires he bend in some capacity, and he just won’t do it. He fundamentally lacks the correct mentality to build a healthy relationship, even if he finds someone willing to live in his hometown.
It’s good that he’s being so clear in his wants and needs and also in his priorities. I would never stay in a relationship long term if they told me their mother would always come first, and that I have no control over where we live.
I’m afraid you’ve just discovered a fundamental incompatibility. This isn’t about compromise; this is about fundamental values. His top life priority is clearly his family and his aspirations for his professional and personal future are firmly tied to that. And like you said, there’s also a religious undertone there. I’m afraid it’s time for you to let go of the idea of compromise and think about whether this is the kind of guy you want as a life partner and whether you can be fulfilled and remain true to yourself and your own values in the kind of environment he envisions for his future.
Relationship are partnerships.
He is not your partner. He is the one dictating how things are going to be with no compromise for whats best for you both.
You can either agree and stay with someone who will solely decide what is done for the rest of your life…
Or you can save yourself and leave.
“ He said that his mother will always be his number 1 priority over everything else in his life.”
Girl.
Find someone who is willing to compromise with you and wants to build a family and life together and not just create what he wants. He’s even said if y’all have a family his mother will be more important to you. That’s not any way to build a relationship. Simply put your incompatible. More accurately he doesn’t actually care about you, your wants, or your feelings. If he did he would compromise and be open to ideas and discussion so you’d both be happy. He just wants to slot you into a spot in his already made life and it doesn’t seem to matter if it’s you or some other women who will let mother dearest do a ton of your child raising and be involved 100% in your marriage and life. Let him find some other person who will be happy like that and go get yourself some freedom.
Christ I had this with my ex. Only option is therapy or the highway sadly.
I’ve seen a million stories from women who married and then went on to have children with a man that couldn’t separate from his “mommy”.. and they are all divorced.
His mommy attachment issues are going to create insane amounts of tension in y’all’s relationship more than anything. You haven’t even seen the HALF of it if you haven’t gotten married yet. And the WORST comes after having a baby.
I’m not saying break up.. but he would need to get on board with you about mommy coming second in the relationship if it’s going to ever work out.
You navigate by leaving. You’re a partner not a subordinate, he doesn’t unilaterally make all decisions about YOUR future. If you aren’t already, get on birth control that can’t be sabotaged.
Without reading your synopsis, I can DEFINITELY tell you that unless you’re loving the idea of being at a military school, you’re going to get the best result by heading out on the highway.
For whatever positives your relationship has, you and this guy are fundamentally incompatible. At a core level you view relationships as built on compromise and he simply doesn’t agree with that. It sounds like you had some general conversations about your future plans and rather than voice any objections at the time he just assumed you’d come around to seeing it his way?
>I was raised to believe that relationships were based on compromise and finding a middle ground that works for the both of you.
In order for that to work, both people need to believe that, and he has been very clear that he does not.
I’d argue that relationships should be based on compatibility, not on making a series of compromises that leave both people dissatisfied, especially when it comes to high-level issues where there isn’t much if any middle ground to be had.
I know you want a magical third option that involves staying in this relationship but with a more reasonable, more compatible version of your partner, but that isn’t an option on the table. His vision of the future and your vision of the future look very different. And that is the signal that the relationship has run its course.
He’s made his position very clear.
Love is just one part of a happy life together. You also have to be able to come to an agreement on some basic decisions about living your life. Where you live and how you raise your children are ABSOLUTELY among those core decisions.
He has told you that he does not care at all about what your opinions on those decisions are. What else do you need to hear? You two are NOT compatible. It’d be the same thing if he insisted 100% that you move to Honduras and raise your children to be banana farmers. If that’s not the life you want, you need to find a new person.
You don’t. The highway is your only option here. His family comes first, last and foremost to him and always will. Your thoughts, needs and desires will never matter. You want much more out of life and your future than he is willing to give. Move on. There are plenty of good ones out there.
Believe him. He’s telling you what he wants. Don’t waste years hoping this is just a ruse and that he’ll come around eventually and see things your way.
You leave because your feelings, wants, and needs don’t matter to him. He think he can replace your own family with his. WTAF?!
>I was raised to believe that relationships were based on compromise and finding a middle ground that works for the both of you.
They are. At least, healthy and successful ones are. Your boyfriend is telling you straight up that you’re not going to have that. I wouldn’t sink any more cost into this fallacy. Girl, you do not need this bum. He’s still dragging around his umbilical cord and you have a whole degree.
Unless you’re happy with having no say about the fundamentals of your marriage, it’s the highway. Yes, you’ve spent three years on this relationship. And yes, it would have been nice to know how he felt sooner. The time to get out is now.
You’re not wrong — healthy relationships involve compromise and a win-win approach.
You take the highway. He’s a massive hypocrite. Unwilling to part from his family but fully expects you to replace yours with his. This is not a man that should be in a relationship. He’s told you he will never put you above his own mother. At least he’s been honest.
Take that highway.
Choose the highway not a mama’s boy.
You’re right that relationships are based on compromise and open communication. However, his beliefs will always come first. How do you find common ground with someone who only wants what they want with no intention of seeing your side? You don’t.
Take the highway, sis.
OP. There is no “navigating”. You either accept your role as 2nd banana and do everything precisely as he demands it, or you leave.
Uh, you don’t? He told you straight up that he isn’t willing to compromise. What is there to work out or navigate if he stopped you at the starting line? He was very clear in his statements multiple times, so when somebody tells you who they are, believe them.
I think you may have to face that this relationship has run it’s course. You want different things out of life. He’s made it quite clear that his mother will come first always – and that should be enough to tell you exactly where you stand.
Leave him to his apron strings, and find you someone who actually wants to build a future with you, not just dictate it.
Highway is looking really good!
You have fundamental incompatible differences in a few key areas…location and child raising…he essentially wants his mom to raise your kids as she sees fit. You are always going to come after his family even if you get married and become his family you will still be last.
Read your post out loud and imagine it was your daughter writing this.
I can’t imagine this is the life you want for yourself.
It’s time for you to move on. You are fundamentally incompatible. You are just a player in his life. He isn’t looking for a partner, he is looking for a sidekick, a supporting cast member. Start looking for a job in a place you want to live and move away from him.
i could see if there gave a legit reason and he wanted tom compromise but in this case take the highway
The highway is what you choose. The highway.
It sounds to me like he’s threatening you with the “free babysitting” as well. Free babysitting is never free. If you stay, be prepared to be trampled all over as a person and parent, and you won’t have a partner that does anything about it.
He wants his mother to be around DAILY and to raise your child with their religious beliefs? DAILY to HELP OUT? He will never leave his family? His mother will always be his number one and his priority? Run, don’t walk, down that highway. There is no good end to this with that type of person. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You take the express lane outta there. No compromise in a very fair ask? Met with hostility and guilt with said ask. Nope! Buhbye! You want different things. And YOU deserve a partner who is capable of comprehensive and real compromise. You can find this person in a town closer to your family. Leave mommy’s baby boy to remain stagnant in his hometown.
You’re not really asking how to navigate this are you? You have a degree in psychology. Use it.
You need to leave this controlling situation. He is not a good man. Do not marry or have kids. He will not change his mind. GO.
Highway it is!! This man just told you HIS MOTHER will always be his number one priority. Not you. Not his future children. His mama! 🚩
Run!!! Don’t look back. Get out before you get pregnant and stuck with a mama’s boy forever.
You can love someone and still ultimately be incompatible.
Neither of you are in the wrong. If his position does not work for you, then this relationship is over, as it has no future.
Once you accept this, end the relationship and begin looking for jobs in your field in locations you prefer. Or simply take a risk and move immediately, which will help with ending this relationship.
Rip off the bandaid, OP.
You recognize that if you marry this man or have children with this man, this is how every single decision will be made. His decision only and your opinion does not matter.
He doesn’t respect you or your opionion. He thinks he gets what he wants and you go along with it.
You are NOT compatible.
I would tell him that you are not on board with his idea and it is time to break up.
He DNGAF that you don’t want what he wants. He just thinks you have to agree
You don’t. Get out and protect your birth control. I can see him trying to baby trap you.
You don’t navigate this. Ypu leave. He told you his priority will always be his mother. Think about that..
You take the highway babes. We’re rooting for you!
Send him on down that highway.
“I will never leave my family, I want to die in this state next to my family”
He’s made himself crystal clear
He’s never leaving and his mom is his #1 priority
Stop treating him like a DIY project
He is who he is. If you want something different, then you have to move on
He is not going to change for you
I will say that again
He is not going to change for you
The only way to navigate this is by calling his bluff. Highway it is….see ya dude.
Leave him i think was the resounding correct answer, then if he cares about you he can come groveling back, or he doesn’t and you live forever alone.
You got this!
Sounds like a roadtrip in the highway of life. Good luck on your journey.
Some people are super family centric, some arent. I love my mom to death, id be dead without her. She is so so very important to me, but my wife? My wife is number one, she is MY PRIORITY.
You have tried to have a conversation with your SO, and i think it was a successful talk. You think it failed because it was not the outcome you wanted. Your SO has told you his mom is numero uno, and he will never l9ve that state/town. There are ko mgaic words anyone her is going to teach you. All you can do is communicate, and you have.
He straight up said he was not interested in continuing the relationship if you want to move. Im not sure what more info you need. You want different things….
He thinks his bond with his family is more important than your bond with yours.
He’s going to hand your kids over to his mom and let her teach them whatever her religious values are, regardless of what your own values may be. Because he doesn’t trust you to be able to raise kids with “proper religious beliefs.” Because he respects his mom more than he respects you. And he’ll expect his children to respect his mom more than you too.
He will always prioritize his mother over you, your children, and your family unit as a whole.
He’s straight up telling you this. Believe him.
If you’re interested in compromise and healthy mutually respectful relationships, this is not the man for you.
Highway is best this time of year
Relationships are built on compromise and respect for both parties’ needs. How do you navigate it? Find a better paying job/job market closer to your family. Your next partner will be so much better and you will quickly question what you really saw in this guy. You future husband is waiting for you – quit stalling.