I (24F) have recently started a relationship with a close friend (27M) however a major issue has already arisen. My partner wants to talk constantly texting throughout the day every hour, voice messages, and hours long phone calls at night.
While I appreciate the sentiment I prefer to have quiet time and frankly hate to be tied to my phone throughout the day as it limits what can be done/experienced and I have mentioned this to him. While he doesn’t necessarily complain about me not wanting to talk all the time he gets, for a lack of a better word, pouty if I don’t answer or say no to talking on the phone. I’ve taken to saying I’m asleep or making up excuses so that I can have time to myself, but even then he’ll send messages not necessarily asking for me to respond but it feels like it’s a way to draw me back to the conversation.
He’s mentioned in past relationships he’s been told he talks too much so I want to be delicate approaching this but frankly if he keeps needing this level of discussion I may need to rethink our relationship because it’s truly draining.
Truly I don’t know how to approach this without sounding terrible or mean.
TLDR: Partner(27M) wants to talk every hour every day and it’s draining me. How do I approach this before completely rethinking relationship?
Comments
I think you need to be a little blunt. Sure, tell him you care about him, etc, but then let him know frankly that he’s smothering you and how much pressure it puts on you. “I can’t talk this much on the phone because it’s draining for me”, that’s not rude or mean, it just feels like it cause he gets upset. You can’t control his reaction no matter how you word it.
The goal is to have a better relationship then sometimes you gotta have difficult conversations.
Repeat what you have written to him, set boundaries and stick to them. If he continues to pout, add consequences.
I don’t have advice because I’m there too. My partner will literally follow me to the bathroom and talk to/at me through the door. I talk to him about it and he gets better for a while, then slips back into it. And men say women are too chatty…
Your partner has pretty unreasonable communication demands IMO and if he expects to have them met, he needs to date intentionally and choose a partner who feels the same way he does about the topic.
You can give him a direct boundary that “I cannot meet this expectation because it is very draining for me, and negatively impacts what I’m able to do throughout my day because I need to stop what I’m doing. In addition, it really sounds like you’re having a lot of difficulty living your life and I cannot be responsible for regulating your emotions. I could likely meet an expectation of (X amount of contact you can deal with), but not much more. I really like you, but a relationship goes both ways and I need to feel that this adds to my life too.
If this is a re-occurring behavior despite feedback, he likely needs to do some internal work before he can really function in a relationship tbh. Probably even therapy. If he’s pouty about it, that’s a warning sign that he cares more about him than he does your needs.
It’s also possible you’re just not compatible if there’s no resolution and he sticks to his guns. He’s probably not compatible with most people tbh.
This would drive me absolutely bonkers. You need to tell him straight up and he needs to respect it and act accordingly. Or you have to dump him, it isn’t sustainable.
It seems he is a very high maintenance bf, you need to be at his disposal 24/7. This is not only unrealistic, but unhealthy as well. I would suggest him to go to therapy to see why he is so needy. In therapy he will be able to talk to his heart content (at a price, of course) 😉