My (26m) partner (25nb) is addicted to using their phone while driving. Not just texting but scrolling social media, sending videos, memes ect.
We have been together for half a year but I truly can’t stress how much this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Their texting while driving is making me second guess this though.
They no longer use their phone while I am in the car due to me asking them not to.
But since the start of the relationship I have made it incredibly clear that I do not want them messaging me while driving, they say sorry. And then it repeats.
They text on short and long drives, it doesn’t matter if it’s 2km or 100km they will be on their phone.
I have been in accidents and witnessed fatalities due to people using their phone while driving. I also have OCD which for the past couple years has been lowering in severity but has started to rise again as it tells me I can’t so much as message them (whether they’re in the car or not) or else they will hurt themselves (or someone else)
I hate distracted drivers, I genuinely view people who text and drive as the dumbest drivers and I don’t understand how people can’t just wait a few minutes to message.
I am getting to the point I want to tell them my long held opinons on people who drive and text. And let them know where I am at and that if they keep messaging me while driving that that is a deal breaker. I however am afraid of coming off as too harsh. I dont want them to think that I don’t want this relationship and that I don’t love them. Because neither of those things are true.
But I truly can’t justify within myself staying with someone who goes against one of my core morals, who continues to apologise then repeat the cycle.
How do I bring this up in a way that they’ll listen and won’t make them think I don’t want us together in general?
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You get to decide what your dealbreakers are. It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks it is reasonable
You can have anything you want as a deal breaker.
This does seem pretty unreasonable, though.
Just tell them your truth and stop trying to pre-game their reaction, though? You don’t need this backstory of yours to realize that texting and driving is dumb and dangerous. If they get upset about it, so what? They are doing wrong and you shouldn’t have to sugarcoat anything to tell them how you feel about it.
Your partner can’t say, “That’s not good enough!” for your reason for wanting to end the relationship.
Relationships are a two-yes-one-no situation. Either both people agree, or it won’t work. If you don’t agree with his behavior, it is a showstopper, and you get out. You aren’t forcing him to change his behavior, just saying that you won’t be a party to it. He’s welcome to find someone who doesn’t care.
I just hope he keeps current with his insurance payments.
That’s not unreasonable at all. It’s avoiding the ultimate deal breaker, which is, ya know… death.
At least refuse to get in the car with him. You wouldn’t get in the car with a drunk driver. If he’s doing that he’s about as impaired as someone with a 0.15 BAC.
It can be touchy to bring up with someone because everyone thinks they’re a great driver, but that’s fine. Make it touchy. Put him on the spot. It’s his life, it’s your life, and it’s everyone’s life who shares a road with him. Tell him you won’t get in the car with him unless you can hold his phone or he puts it in the glove box or something. If he can’t agree to put it away, he cares about his compulsion more than your life.
Yes
yes.
they’re a danger to everyone around them. they’re prioritizing their fucking phone shit over people’s lives, safety, and well-being.
now, just to be clear, a deal breaker isn’t “please don’t do this thing”. a dealbreaker is “if this thing happens, i’m done with this relationship”.
you should tell them. relationships require open and honest communication, that’s the bedrock of a healthy relationship.
“listen, i love you, but i can’t handle this business with you putting the lives of everyone around you at risk while you’re driving because you’re on your phone. i can’t be with someone who has so little regard for people’s lives, safety, and well-being. i can’t make you stop, but i can’t be with someone who does that. i want to be with you and make this relationship work, but i can’t be in a relationship with someone who does dangerous shit like that.”
edit: missed a word.
Don’t try to manage their feelings for them – they will react however they react. From what I gathered from your post they will either: not react well/get devensive or apologize insincerly and keep doing it, never mind how you explain this.
Sometimes there is no way to express unwanted truth in a way that won’t upset the other person, or in a way that will make them change their behavior. That’s why it’s wasted energy to try and manage your SO’s reaction around this. That part is on them.
Also, no such thing as an unreasonable dealbreaker because the only person that needs to find your dealbreake reasonable is you.
You’re not being harsh, this is about safety and respect. Frame it like: “I love you, and your safety means everything to me. When you text and drive, it terrifies me and makes me question if we’re on the same page about valuing life. I need this to stop, or I can’t keep feeling this way in the relationship.” Be clear, calm, and firm. If they care, they’ll listen. If not, that’s a red flag, not you.
Your partner has a blatant disregard for not only their own life and safety but every single other person on the road aswell. Your feelings are completely valid. Texting and driving says a lot about someone’s personality, and honestly way worse than drunk driving because they aren’t intoxicated to the point of not being able to think rationally.
In many states it’s illegal to text and drive. And if she kills someone, she won’t be texting from prison.
You’re right to not trust her with your life, she has no regards for human life.
She will continue her behavior. Leave now. You don’t wanna be around when she gets that Big Wake Up Call !
>How do I bring this up in a way that they’ll listen and won’t make them think I don’t want us together in general?
You be blunt “know how people have dealbreakers like cheating or drinking or drugs or kids or so on? Yeah, mine is people using their phone while driving. You have to do you, but I will not be with someone who used their phone while driving”
Boundary isn’t about making them not do something … but about how you will respond. If you set the boundary, you need to prepare to enforce that boundary.
You simply tell him.
“If you text or watch videos or scroll while driving, we are through.”
IF he does it, break up with him. End of story.