My MIL loves triangulation, guilt-tripping texts, victimhood, meddling, silent treatment (after husband set boundaries), and ignoring parenting rules. She has managed to ruin 4 milestones in 8 months including wedding and birth of my child. Every event/birthday is used by her to assert control and fake the “loving happy family” image.
I went NC and husband is LC, he agreed to not discuss me & kids in front of her. I heard from husband that she has been “acting normal” recently (no crying no yelling no passive aggressive comments). I wonder what it takes for husband to cut her off, in the meantime I can focus on myself and enjoy my peace
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Other posts from /u/FigImpressive3401:
The secret to a happy life, 5 days ago
If you are NC with your MIL, do you let her see your children and how often?, 3 months ago
Still have hatred towards MIL who ruined my birth and postpartum, 4 months ago
Why do so many MILs go crazy after grandkid is born?, 4 months ago
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It took my husband about 20 years!
I stepped back and stepped back, letting them handle their own relationship. And neither really stepped up. Then I just let him handle them and continued to pull back and grey rock. Also not compromising on my own boundaries.
Ultimately they gave him the silent treatment for too long and got used to it and stopped communicating with them.
It’s been 8 years now and sometimes I feel guilty but then I get over myself!
My husband finally cutt her off after she conspired with my sister in law to falsely call CPS on us. But honestly it hurts because she has been abusive and manipulative his whole life, even marrying abusive men and allowing them to mistreat him, and her current husband stole thousands from him. She’s a terrible mother and nothing more than a bed sore
For my husband the final straw to really create that distance was the fallout after his step-father (who raised him) died. She couldn’t keep the mask on. The first real “WAKE UP” moment was when I was intentionally left out of family photos when his sister got married by MIL sewing chaos with the wedding day to keep DH and I separate. Once DH realized what happened, he called her on it. We live 8 hours by car away not and were 4 before our last move, so we do have distance assisting us.
I am currently NC while husband is VVLC. After his SD(step-dad) died, his mom held the funeral and celebration of life separately to try and manipulate DH into cancelling going to a family wedding for my side, our summer vacation, and a family wedding for his side for one of his Aunts grandkids – The Sister of MIL who MIL didn’t like as much. My husband wasn’t skipping a family wedding on my side, or cancelling the vacation with my family, and wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to reconnect with an aunt he hadn’t seen in ages, his cousins, and then the next generation (the one getting married and all the other kids). My MIL intentionally tried manipulating him to keep him from reconnect with that branch of his family, because that reconnection has turned into wonderful relationships with all of them and we camp with one of his cousins once a year (different states).
When my husband who never felt loved by the family living where he grew up realized the branch that moved away was warm, loving, thrilled to have us in the fold, and SUPER supportive, my MIL lost her control of the narrative. Now he makes sure the trust that supports her runs smoothly, he checks in on her on holidays, birthdays, and important dates, and I no longer have to be ignored and closed out when we see family. Wins all around!
Also, the branch we reconnected with knows about the drama with the rest and firmly support us without taking sides and my family – Parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins have ALL clamed him as their own forever. So thankfully, even though I don’t have a traditional in-law family, we are both surrounded by a lot of love.
Sounds like she’s playing the long game. Your husband might cut her off when he realizes enabling her toxic behavior is destroying his relationship with you and his kids. Until then, you’re stuck in this mess.
They threatened to take us to court for “grandparents rights” stating they’d “get them every Friday to Monday night and you want to be lucky we’re not going for more”. This was because I wouldn’t let them take my newborn daughter for a sleepover. Obviously we knew they had no leg to stand on and were just trying to intimidate us. We stopped speaking to them immediately and were harassed very promptly about using our kids as weapons, lol.
My DH was diagnosed with MS. MIL disowned him for being defective. We knew she was evil, but that sealed NC
Cutting off a parent like that usually takes hitting absolute rock bottom, a moment when the damage outweighs any guilt or obligation. Your husband’s probably weighing the fallout: emotional peace vs. lifelong “family drama.” If she’s just “acting normal” now, it’s likely a manipulation pause, not a reset. He’ll cut ties only when the toxicity costs more than the mess it leaves behind.
My dad shoved my mom down to the floor by her face at 2 or 3 in the morning on Black Friday 2023 because he was blackout drunk.
I got my pregnant wife and dogs out of there. My mom went to her sisters for a few days.
I called the following Monday to see how she was doing and she had moved back into my dad’s house and then accused me of starting the whole incident (I did not). Then she said that I probably hit my wife because I drink too…
Other than her ambushing me at my grandparents house last thanksgiving she’s been blocked ever since then and I haven’t spoken to her since.
Hope gets in the way of healing. Is your husband in therapy?
My MIL refuses to have a relationship with my DH without our LO. I don’t know why she would reject her own child so vehemently and think that will grant her access to our child… but if your husband respects your boundaries and prioritizes your family, there is nothing you can do or count on until she slips up.
For us we’re VLC but that became permanent, DH realizing that a couple phone calls a year and maybe one visit was permanent and his mom was not someone you can have a healthy, day to day relationship with when within the same summer:
she spun out and attacked a young widow within the family, like threatening to have her kids taken away, out right saying the husbands death was her fault because she drove him to suicide (he died on a heart attack but oookay), etc… for reasons known only to herself. MIL barely had any relationship with these people anyhow, they’re extended family. My best guess is she’s the main character and couldn’t handle not being at the epicentre of a big issue so she inserted herself (as the villain to everyone else’s point of view)
we realized the in-laws were sneaking into our house during the day while we were at work. When we told them to stop, they double down and instead did it more and stopped pretending they weren’t.
And then we moved across country and seasons go by without interaction! (The only reason we’re not NC is this is actually easier. NC would result in MIL adopting a “nothing left to loose” attitude and ensuing behaviour)
For my husband, it took his mother’s actions impacting him personally for him to finally stop caring about preserving the relationship. I was angry for a long time, because it upset me that he didn’t want to create space when his mom’s actions bothered me, but once her lies impacted him, then he cared. We spent a long time working through that in therapy! Ultimately, I decided to take the win and be happy my husband was no longer pressuring me to be nice to his mom.
Oh. Where to start, the short version. After 24 years, the young people and I were NC. I dropped the rope, could not do it anymore for a lot of reasons. When he became the the only one in contact with her (a group choice that he took on, as he was already LC), it became very strained quickly.
The singular incident was when the IL dog had to have ER surgery and husband didn’t “care or provide support or financial assistance”. But what really happened is that his, in very poor health, 70 year plus parents bought a puppy and could not handle it, poor thing was left unsupervised and apparently ate something and required a very expensive surgery to remove it. (She recovered). This was all made known on Facebook. My husband DOES NOT HAVE A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT, the rest of us had long unfriended her, so she called him several days later to yell at him for his callous behavior. If you are doing the math he was nearly 50 at that time. He lost it, told her she was nuts and she called for every other dam thing why not this? It escalated, that is the last time he talked to her. Been 7 1/2 years.
It’s funny how something so out of his control, after everything that happened over the years, the dog situation and how she acted was the thing that finally pushed him over.
Lol, her act won’t last. Even he knows she’s ‘acting’. She’s probably thinking she’ll get access to the kids again, and when she doesn’t, I imagine she’ll drop the mask.