Hi I’m 29M and I’ve been married to my wife 30F for 2 years.
This Thursday I was watching TV it was my day off. When my wife came back home from a sleepover with her best friend so I went to ask how it was and if she had fun.
But she immediately started yelling me that she deserved way better. And I was a pathetic excuse for a man that couldn’t even fulfil her needs. I asked to calm down and stop yelling at me. I asked her where this was coming from because she never told me she felt this way. I asked her to sit down so we could talk but she refused.
She stared at me for a while and said her friend Amelia helped her realise I wasn’t enough for her and I wasnt good enough and she could do better. So I just asked her what was the point of even marrying me and she shouldn’t of married me if she expected intimacy? She didn’t even answer me
She went to our bedroom packed a bag and left and I’m left here feeling stupid. Honestly I didn’t know who tell about this I feel so embarrassed if that makes sense I don’t even want to tell my friends I feel so ashamed and inadequate
Relevant info
I’m asexual which my wife knew before we even started dating.
I’ve never been comfortable with intimacy after being SA when I was younger which I thought my wife understood she okay with and was happy with me showing her love in other ways dates, flowers, long talks ect. Which know I now this wasn’t the case
My wife’s sister has been messaging me saying that I’m condescending and that I dismissed my wife that I’m a jerk.
I think we might be heading for a divorced
Am I the jerk? My wife has never acted this way before it felt like their was a stranger in my wife’s body
Sorry if this post is a mess my thoughts are a mess
Comments
You’re absolutely not the jerk. You were upfront about being asexual and your trauma from the start she chose to marry you knowing all that. Instead of talking things through, she insulted you and walked out, blaming you for needs she never communicated. You didn’t dismiss her you asked a valid question. She handled it with zero respect. You deserve someone who accepts and values you for who you are.
Sounds like she knew what she was signing up for so NTA.
NTA. She knew damn well what she was getting into when she married you. She doesn’t get to take out her anger and frustration on you especially after listening to outsiders. You would be better off divorced.
NTA but neither is your wife. Obviously, she thought that she could make it work but has discovered that she cannot. You need to either give her permission to find sex outside the marriage or divorce her.
This is honestly so sad. She knew what you struggled with and still treated you like that. No, you are ABSOLUTELY NTA and you deserve better 🙁
Have you taken steps to do intimate things together? Maybe she assumes when you are in a safe relationship. You will be open to exploring with her…🤔
NTA but at the same time you have to know that it’s a major part of most relationships and as such IMO staying single would benefit you
She married you because she thought you would change. You need to get into therapy.
I am sorry. Took me a lifetime to realize I had no disire none. You got to be true to yourself. Therapy may help but all it showed me was that I was not the problem. Take care. Call a friend
NTA, your wife shouldn’t have blown up at you for this. I am surprised she hasn’t said anything prior.. If not being intimate was an issue for her she should have discussed it with you, and then you both could have hashed it out this way. If your sil messages you again let her know you’re more than happy to discuss with your wife but unfortunately she ran out when you asked her to communicate. If your wife does come back it looks like she wants intimacy… so if that is something you’re willing to try it may be worth it to get some therapy otherwise it’s probably best to divorce as your wife seems to be over having an asexual no contact relationship.
So my husband and I are both on the ace spectrum, but in different places, I knew where I was before we married, he didn’t, then some other things happened, so I’m familiar with the “not all relationships involve or need sex” concept.
Sounds like you’re wife’s friend poisoned her- your wife is an adult, she is responsible for her actions, but this has to come from somewhere and sounds like it was the friend. A lot of people, especially heterosexual people, genuinely don’t understand the ace part of the spectrum, so my trying to be sympathetic take would be she was concerned for your wife and managed to hit some of her insecurities.
The not sympathetic take is that >!she knew about your abuse and figured you should “man up” for your wife.!<
Either way I don’t like the friend much. And I’m also betting that is who your wife went to stay with. (If friend was at your wedding she probably promised to support your relationship so she’s broken one promise already.)
Your sister in law is probably getting whatever version of events your wife is telling. If you’ve been a pleasant brother in law for 2 years, you’d think she would be able to handle a “hey my sister’s pretty angry, are you ok” phone call but I guess that’s more hopeful than realistic. At the very least she should be willing to acknowledge you both probably have rather different outlooks on this.
You are NTA. Wife’s friend and wife definitely TA’s.
What happens to your marriage kinda depends on what happens now. But… do you want to stay married to someone who 1- is so easily swayed, and 2-went right to “what is this relationship doing for me” rather than seeing her spouse as a whole person, with needs and dreams and so on?
Because you aren’t a sex vending machine either. No spouse is, and there are plenty of things that can throw a wrench into even a relatively normal sex life.
If you don’t have a personal therapist, I suggest you get one. And this is a good time to put together a Team You- people who support you and love you for who you are. You need support.
If you’re asexual and she knew about it you’re not a jerk. She’s a jerk, not for realizing she can’t deal with it – it happens, but for being so rude and aggressive about it.
Although you are a bit the AH for writing “should of”
nta if you were upfront about being ace and your boundaries. sadly people tend to think it’ll wear off or they’ll be the exception one day. sorry man.
Hmmmmm…..sounds like she was looking to change you and was surprised when you didn’t change for her but I also wonder if something didn’t happen during that sleepover that triggered something in her. This seems completely out of left field based on what is written. Does this happen consistently or has it happened prior?
Maybe she cheated and lost control and this is her guilt coming out? Like she feels guilty and is blaming you to help her mind process the shitty thing she did.
Ultimately, if she cheated then leave the marriage but if this is just a lot of pent up sexual tension and everything else is good then maybe come up with some out of the box solutions?
NTA based on the post.
NTA at all. I’m asexual too, and I totally get how you feel, I was having a conversation with my brother a few weeks ago and we had differing views on whether or not sex is necessary for a relationship to work and I tried to explain the concept of asexuality and it took him a bit to understand . And your wife even knew about this before you started dating. The only explanation I can think of is she didn’t know what asexual meant, and even then she could’ve asked. Sex isn’t everything, and 100% a relationship can work without being sexual, as long as you’re with the right person. So no, you’re NTA
NTA, I wonder did you do together other intimate things, intimate doesn’t need to be sexual, like cuddling, kissing something like that,
“I’m asexual, which she knew before marrying me” THIS. It’s hard to be in a relationship when the other person’s preferences just don’t align with yours, even more so when they enter it looking to “fix” you or get something that you adamantly disclosed you could not give. NTA, and I’m sorry. I’m sure this is way out of left field for you, I hope you heal, and I hope you find someone one day who won’t make you feel bad for something you cannot help.
Info
Does intimacy = sex in this conversation?
I have been intimate with people that I have never had sex with, and I have had sex with people that I have not been intimate with.
There is a difference…
Is she asking for emotional intimacy, or is she asking for sex?
NTA. I could think of some scenarios that your wife might have in her mind: I’m his wife, he should be choosing to make me happy in every aspect even if it means facing his demons. Christian Grey like.
Which wasn’t fair to you since you were very clear about your boundaries to begin with. “Step on my boundaries and you’re out” you should tell yourself. Enjoy life.
I’m 50/50 on this one. NTA—because you were up front when you all dated. YTA—because you and her never sat down to discuss the intimacy part of the relationship and how you all would deal with it. I believe the issue began when your wife probably “assumed” things would change once you all got married.
I hope you all can find a compromise to this. I once worked with a guy who was asexual but he had a daughter. I hope you two and find a way to work it out.
Have you guys discussed the idea of perhaps letting her get physical intimacy with others? If you communicated you asexual then she wasn’t blindsided
NTJ. Yes, she should’ve known what she was signing up for. On the other hand, anyone asexual should understand that, unless they marry someone who also considers herself asexual, the marriage headed for trouble. Looks like that trouble has landed.
NTA. She thought she would magically be able to change you after marriage. If she couldn’t accept who you were and you were honest from the start it’s her fault. There is nothing you can do to improve the situation.
You’re not the jerk in any way, but I think it’s important to remember that physical intimacy is a very crucial part of most romantic relationships, and for most people. I don’t blame your wife for realizing it’s something that she needs, even though she went about expressing that in a terrible way.
Sounds like she told herself that physical intimacy wasn’t important to her, and it has been growing resentment towards you ever since as she realized it did matter. Society doesn’t like to encourage women to embrace their sexuality. I don’t think you are the asshole. I don’t think she is an asshole as a person, but was in this instance. I do think you two need to have a long talk about what the future looks like. As she clearly is not interested in maintaining the current status. Good luck.
INFO : when you say intimacy, do you mean sexual intimacy or general intimacy? If it’s sexual intimacy then NTA because she knew this beforehand and shouldn’t be upset now because she changed her mind and that’s not on you. But if it’s general intimacy then I’d say ESH. She shouldn’t have blown up at you like that and should have had a discussion if she was unhappy about it way before this point, but at the same time, if you aren’t even doing basic things like kissing, cuddling, hugging etc I’d say that you’re also TA because she’s not wrong for being unhappy there’s no intimacy at all in her marriage and it would be unfair to say she shouldn’t have married you if she wanted intimacy because asexuality doesn’t mean you can’t be intimate with a partner in a non sexual way.
You’re not the AH here but neither is she although her outburst wasnt nice but surely came from a place of unhappiness in a long time.
I think your wife wasnt aware how much she misses this in your marriage. It’s a big part of a relationship. I think you should text her and apologise for not fulfilling her needs for so long and that you’re grateful that she has been so patient. Tell her that if she’s ready you two sit down and make a plan on how to solve this. You should be doing therapy to process it and you two should be doing therapy together. There’s sexual therapy that could help. Ask chat gpt for tips and books or affordable help in your country if you can’t afford therapy .
Also think about if there are sexual things you’re comfortable with that you can give her in between.
As someone on the opposite end of this spectrum (ironically enough, also trauma induced) i feel so awful seeing this. It’s like you can’t win in the intimacy department. Never give it up and it brings out insecurities in a partner. Be too willing to give it up and you get used for your body and not truly cared and nurtured as you should.
I have no clue what would’ve driven your spouse to act like this if before this meeting with her friend she was seemingly fine with being in love with someone who is ace. I can only think maybe for a while she has had pent up insecurity since before or the beginning of marriage and hasn’t had the heart to tell you until after opening up to this outside party.
NTA. You can’t change your sexuality or force yourself to suddenly want sex and your partner obviously knew this before marrying you. But have either of you had serious discussions about it prior to this? Surely, you also knew she wasn’t asexual, has she never brought up sexual intimacy before? I think it’s a legitimate conversation to be had but her yelling at you and insulting you is absolutely not an OK way to go about it. But honestly to me it sounds like if she’s bursting out yelling at you, she’s had pent up resentment for a while and this marriage is probably just never going to be compatible.
She don go grab some tender loving care.
Dont wanna be that guy … but if the genders were switched … yea …
Fellow ace here. You disclosed your sexuality and she got mad that you don’t want sex? She’s the jerk in this situation. If I wanted a relationship (I don’t consider myself aromantic, just ace), explained what asexual is,.and then my partner acted like he/she was blindsided? I’d try couples’ therapy first and if it didn’t work (s)he refused, I’m out, that’s a deal breaker.
Neither of you should have married someone outside your sexual orientation… it isn’t reasonable to expect a sexual person to give up sex and it isn’t reasonable to expect an asexual person to want sex. ESH
You were upfront about your issues so NTA. Did she think there’s some magical switch when you get married and all your trauma goes away? Good luck OP on finding a therapist and moving on from this relationship.
ESH – I say this because your wife’s outburst was completely out of line, it definitely sounds like resentment that has built up over time and talking with her friend unleashed all the frustration. That being said, how she spoke to you was unacceptable and that does need to be addressed because it’s not okay and you did not deserve that.
Now on to you, you said you were clear with your wife at the beginning but in all honesty for your own sake and that of any partner you have, I can’t quite see how you could go into this relationship and marry her knowing full well that she would only be abstaining from sex not because she doesn’t want it but because YOU don’t want it. How could you be okay with that? You are both very young and as an asexual person for YOU the relationship wouldn’t be missing anything but you know it would for her. I personally would not be okay doing that to someone else, in fact I would purposely seek out dating someone who was also asexual. Is there no part of you that feels that you BOTH should be in relationships where you feel fulfilled, not just you?
Nta you flat out told her while dating you were asexual and even explained the reasons so that shit is on her and the fact that she decided to blow up on you instead of calmly talking about her feelings and seeing if you would consider being open to therapy to possibly improve that stems from her issues not yours.
Do you watch porn? I understand some asexual people do and if you do I understand why she would be upset. If not, I don’t get it.
Shouldn’t have
Have.
H a v e
I mean, It sucks, but the truth is that by entering in a marriage with someone with whom you have an absolute mismatch in terms of physical needs…you are setting yourselves up for failure.
This doesn’t make you the asshole, but the reality is that your current relationship seems like it not going to be sustainable, you are almost certainly going to end up divorced.
The only chance that you are going to have to avoid a situation like this will be to find a partner who has a similar set of needs, or for you to be OK with and find a partner who is interested in an open relationship where they are able to get their intimacy from someone else. The challenge is that you need to really be OK with that, and it can’t just be your approach to avoid a confrontation, otherwise you will begin to resent your partner the same way that your wife resents you right now.
Amelia dines at the Y. You don’t.
You’ve gotten a lot of feedback about how messed up this is. I’d just add that i would feel super betrayed that she is talking about your intimate business with other people. If you want to make it work, I think couples therapy is also important. She can’t violate your trust like that
Updateme
This entire fuckin sub is fake fake fake
NTA. She is clearly not very bright or a good person if she expects you to do things you’re uncomfortable with and have clearly stated you wouldn’t do. I am so sorry for you, OP.
She knew what she was buying and still married you. If all it takes is a sleepover with a friend to destroy your marriage then so be it.
You’re not a jerk because she knew. The problem with us women sometimes is that we let things build and build then get all worked up and go raaaah instead of calmly having a chat before we explode. This doesn’t make it OK. It’s fine if she now feels the relationship isn’t working for her. We grow and learn and change. However, she should have talked with you about this calmly rather than lash out at you.
I think anyone in a relationship who refuses to work on themselves, refuses to take steps to work through your trauma, is a jerk.
My wife told me that she was asexual due to things that happened in her past. I accepted it. She started getting herself into therapy and help working past the issues in her past and she’s been slowly becoming more intimate.
Have you tried trauma therapy? It may help you and intimacy. Do it for you though. Not to save a marriage with a person that would treat you like that.
Yes – because it’s “shouldn’t have,” not “shouldn’t of.”
Also I don’t believe a word of this.
Not enough info
But why can’t you be intimate? I get no sex, but no cuddles, kisses, massages?
NTA. You were always extremely incompatible. You should have never entered into a monogamous relationship with someone who was not asexual. You need a divorce.
!updateme
Amelia reeks of toxicity. You’re “not enough” and “not good enough” and she “could do better” just because you’re asexual? 🤢
Imagine talking this way about a woman because she doesn’t do anal or something else? Amelia would be outraged.
Sounds like you lost your wife thanks to her lame friend who wants her to be as miserable as she is.
NTA obviously
Please see a therapist about your trauma if you’re not already
As for your STBX? Maybe she thought she could “fix” you? Or as others have suggested, she’s probably cheating on you and is blaming you for her bad behaviour
Sounds like OP while not an ah, needs some therapy to move past the earlier SA trauma.
My bet is on she cheated and freaked out after and put the blame on OP.
NTA, she’s known about you being ace the whole time and still chose to marry you. Her blowing up at you out of nowhere when you’ve don’t nothing wrong isn’t fair to you.
of course you dismissed her. why would you deal with her acting like a lunatic out of nowhere? if she decides she wants to be an adult and have a rational conversation, great. if not, then my condolences. NTA
This is why you don’t allow friends to influence/dictate your relationship with your spouse/partner. NTA.
YTA intimacy isn’t just about sex.