I (21M) am in college, and during Christmas break last year I went home after a recent breakup. My family gave the usual “plenty of fish in the sea” kind of support, but my mom took a very different approach.
She told me: “Because of your hearing aids, women are less likely to like you and also less likely to take you seriously for marriage.”
I told her that was a really hurtful thing to say, and she doubled down. She said she was just being realistic and didn’t want me to have high hopes because “a lot of women will reject you.”
I got upset and told her what she said was cruel and, frankly, wrong. In my experience, no one has ever said my hearing aids were a dealbreaker. And honestly, if they were, I wouldn’t want to date someone like that anyway.
She got angry that I was upset, and said I was being disrespectful because she’s my mom and she “loves me regardless.” She then added that women think about the long term, and that they wouldn’t want children who might be deaf or hard of hearing. That stung like a mf.
No one in the family backed me up, and I think it was either to avoid upsetting her or because they secretly agreed. I left the house shortly after the argument and have only been in contact with her politely a few times since.
She hasn’t apologized and has instead told other family members that I’m being too sensitive, punishing her for no reason, and that I’m an ungrateful, selfish child.
Now my whole family is telling me to make amends. My sister recently called and said I need to let it go, and that even if I don’t agree with what my mom said, I should still call her or I’m the one in the wrong.
I’m not sure I want to continue a relationship like this, especially since I think her beliefs are simply a projection of how she feels about me.
AITA for not calling her for like 7 months after all this?
Summary: My mom told me women won’t want to date or marry me because of my hearing aids, and now my family thinks I’m in the wrong for not calling her after I got upset.
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I (21M) am in college, and during Christmas break last year I went home after a recent breakup. My family gave the usual “plenty of fish in the sea” kind of support, but my mom took a very different approach.
She told me: “Because of your hearing aids, women are less likely to like you and also less likely to take you seriously for marriage.”
I told her that was a really hurtful thing to say, and she doubled down. She said she was just being realistic and didn’t want me to have high hopes because “a lot of women will reject you.”
I got upset and told her what she said was cruel and, frankly, wrong. In my experience, no one has ever said my hearing aids were a dealbreaker. And honestly, if they were, I wouldn’t want to date someone like that anyway.
She got angry that I was upset, and said I was being disrespectful because she’s my mom and she “loves me regardless.” She then added that women think about the long term, and that they wouldn’t want children who might be deaf or hard of hearing. That stung like a mf.
No one in the family backed me up, and I think it was either to avoid upsetting her or because they secretly agreed. I left the house shortly after the argument and have only been in contact with her politely a few times since.
She hasn’t apologized and has instead told other family members that I’m being too sensitive, punishing her for no reason, and that I’m an ungrateful, selfish child.
Now my whole family is telling me to make amends. My sister recently called and said I need to let it go, and that even if I don’t agree with what my mom said, I should still call her or I’m the one in the wrong.
I’m not sure I want to continue a relationship like this, especially since I think her beliefs are simply a projection of how she feels about me.
AITA for not calling her for like 7 months after all this?
Summary: My mom told me women won’t want to date or marry me because of my hearing aids, and now my family thinks I’m in the wrong for not calling her after I got upset.
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> I might be the asshple because I refuse to call my mom til she apologises. This might make me an asshole because she might have a valid point even if I don’t agree
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your mother is, though.
ESH. She didn’t need to shoot you down in that particular way. And you didn’t need to lose a mother over that.
NTA – There may be some truth that there will be obstacles based on your disability, but your mom should be your biggest cheerleader and help cheer and guide you as you find the right woman.
That’s just plain false and mean. NTA. You’re justified to be angry and I bet if you think about it your mom has been making mean comments for a longtime – this time it was just so obvious
She’s wrong. She is gaslighting you about her hurtul opinion. The fact that she not trying to make amends is really telling. Look up narcissism and see if she fits the description.
Tell your sister that your mother should apologize to you for trying to dash your confidence and hope.
It sounds like your mother is the woman who has discomfort with your hearing aids. And her doubling down on her hurtful comments is her being defensive about it.
Your family is wrong — the person who needs to “make amends” is your mother. She’s the one who said hurtful things.
NTA
NTA. Your mom sucks. I don’t know what she’s getting out of this cruelty, but it doesn’t really matter, because that’s what it is. It is extremely reasonable to cut someone out of your life if they are actively trying to hurt you, and that includes your mother.
NTA! The world is there to knock you down. Your family is there is lift you up. If you can’t count on your own mother for that, there is literally no need for her. That’s awful, man.
Ummm ew no. If she really thinks that then you should ask for family therapy or just cut her and your family off. I know that is a hard choice, but she sounds ableist and you shouldn’t have to deal with that. But try therapy first.
NTA. Sure, there will be some people who will see the hearing aids and it will affect their idea on a relationship, but I don’t think that they will make someone unattractive. Your mother is in the wrong and needs to be the one to apologize for what she said. She basically said this thing you can’t control makes you less likeable and no parent should say that to their child. I guess in the meantime, I need to tell my hearing impaired GF that I need to think she is less attractive to me cause of her hearing aids.
NTA. With that said, they to find deaf women to date. It’ll be easier.
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yta. she s your grandmother and said something thoughtless but in her mind she s saying it because she cares about you. she said something stupid but so what? she s your grandmother and she loves you. grow up.
Finesse and Grace, someone I loved always told me, handle life with finesse and grace. Your mother has no finesse and grace, she is crass. NTA. Attend your studies and live your life to the fullest. Go low contact. I hope they come around for you. Best of luck!
NTA
What your mother said is ableist. I am hard of hearing myself, and might need hearing aids in the future, and while my family jokes about me not always hearing what they say, they never hold it against me in any capacity. They support me in this, and help me when needed, as a family should.
If you feel like you need either a break from your mom due to this, or if you decide to not have a relationship with her at all, it is up to you. What your sister said is wrong and hurtful. As a person who went no contact with my dad in my early 20’s, I can just say, trust your gut. The most important relationship in the world is the one you have with yourself, and you need to listen to what YOU want, and not what family members think you should want.
It is hard to set boundaries with a parent, but you are not wrong for wanting an apology, a genuine one, from your mother.
Also a woman who cares about hearing aids, is not the woman for you.
NTA. What’s even your mom’s end game here?? “Sorry son no woman will ever take you seriously or be able to look past your disability so you’re most likely gonna be lonely forever but it’s okay because I still love you regardless” boy mom much?!
NTA: I’m so sorry your mom was so cruel. And she is wrong anyone who has a problem with you being deaf is a jerk is not worth the time of day. Your mom owns you apology not the another around. Continue to a proud youth man and best wishes for your future.
Ok, this is just bullshit coming from your mom. You are going to have to think about it, tho.
My mom is a negative b, because maybe I do not measure up to what she was expecting. That is not my fault, but hers. I feel you are in the same situation, and when I was your age, I cut my mom out for two years.
Take care of yourself now, as best you know how. But I want to warn you about making anything permanent in one swoop. Set your boundaries, take a stand. If she gets worse, get even. If she may see your view, take it easy.
You are not defective, you are not less. You are you, and if she cannot handle that, cut her from your life. If you see any possibilities for her to get better, wait. But never wait to long, you only have the one go at life, and it is all yours.
Always remember, you come through your parents, not of them.
Much love, all the best, and good luck my man.
NTA, that’s complete BS if a person loves you, it will be regardless of any handicaps a person has. If they aides like you because of hearing sides you shouldn’t marry her anyway. Plenty of people in my disabilities group are happily married with children.
Your mom was being incredibly cruel, and I doubt very much she was “just trying to help.” The implication that she resented having a HoH/Deaf child is particularly galling.
Do not apologize, you have nothing to apologize for. She does not have a valid point. Dating is hard, especially now. Loneliness is an epidemic. Making connections is difficult. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed by it. or unsure of how to proceed. And, honestly, a decent person is not going to be put off by hearing aids. Yes, it makes things a little more difficult sometimes, but you are a person, not a disability.
Firstly I wanna say no your not in the wrong. Your mom said it in a pretty bad way. I think you know being deaf makes many parts of life like dating harder. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find a partner? It’s clear you can if your coming out of a breakup. Your mother gives very bad advice in my opinion, telling you women won’t like you & generalizing it. And distancing yourself from your mother over this? Yeah, I won’t lie, 7 months is quite a long time. But I can’t say I don’t understand it. You needed your space after she made comments to put you down which is the right thing to do. It overall seems like you have a very selfish and unempathetic family to your situation sadly. And also props to you about just opening up about this. I know it can’t be easy when it feels like your entire family is against you. But your out here, trying to still get advice which is something a lot of people don’t do.
NTA, my Mom also has a hearing aid (although she had been married for a hot minute before it came to that) and my Dad us still head over heels for her.
A person with real integrity and love for you won’t care a single bit about your hearing aid!
Stay strong buddy!!
NTA. Your mom is, though. I just got hearing aids last year for tinnitus. Literally NOONE noticed I had them, and people don’t notice them at all unless I bring it up.
Even if you have antiquated ginormous hearing aids, it’s not going to impact you dating! And if they DO bother someone? That’s not someone you want to date anyway.
Your mom is projecting and anyone who supports her can also fuck off.
NTA
Jeez, she was harsh, and it wasn’t called for. What kind of loving, caring mom says that to their children? Then, have the family butt in and more or less defend her.
For the record, she is WRONG! Don’t take her hateful words to heart.
NTA ablism is awful, and the fact it’s coming from your mother is double awful. Even if she thinks something like this, she shouldn’t be saying it.
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“She just said it because she cares about you” WHAT? What about the content of OP’s mom’s ableist diatribe is helpful, loving, or constructive?
“Hey, I think you might have bad breath which is why maybe you’re not having the best of luck with dating” is something that can generally be corrected through dental health measures. It’s not easy to hear but said to and from a loved one can be helpful.
“Hey so no one will want you because you’re deaf” is not helpful, not constructive, is hurtful and doubly so coming from a loved one.
NTA
Why aren’t they asking your mom to make amends?
She’s given you no apology to accept!
NTA. Does your family just think she’s particularly stubborn or something?
It’s bad enough to say something like that.
To be completely unrepentant and so convinced you’re in the right that you’re recruiting the rest of the family to your cause is just narcissistic and gross.
NTA. Sorry for your loss.
NTA – Sure, there are people shallow enough out there who wouldn’t date you because of your hearing aides. But those girls aren’t worth your time. That your Mom didn’t end her comment with this note is problematic. Because they’re the problem, not you, and she’s indicating otherwise.
I’m a mom. If yours wanted to be honest about the fact that some people won’t date someone with hearing aids (which is crappy but kinda true) she could have said it in a kind and affirming way. This wasn’t that. And any mom saying that women don’t want a child who is LIKE THEIR OWN CHILD is just horrific. My son is autistic. When I hear someone say that having an autistic child is so difficult or unfair or they would never want a kid like that, I take that ish personally. Your mom should be your biggest cheerleader and if she isn’t that’s her problem not yours.
And yeah, realistically speaking some people won’t date a guy with hearing aids. Some people also won’t date a guy who is a different race. Or they won’t date someone who is trans. Those people suck and they aren’t the whole of the dating pool. Most women I know of all ages care most about finding someone who is a good person who treats them well. And I have never met a college-aged woman (including when I was one) who is planning her dating life specifically around what traits she wants potential future children to have.
Your mom is projecting her own insecurities and discomfort with your deafness onto your potential future dates and I am so sorry. NTA at all. If not calling your mom is what you need to protect your peace, keep radio silence and add a time out for anyone who pressures you to be the peacemaker.
Wait, what? Why should YOU make amends? Your mom’s ableist AF, she’s shown you what SHE thinks of deaf people – ie, that they’re less desirable – and you are supposed to make amends with HER? And your family either think the same or at the very LEAST don’t disagree hard enought to bother defending you. HELLLLL no. Absolutely NTA
NTA- that would be your mom and family members for not backing you up on this. You are exactly right, hearing aids are not a deterrent and if they are, that person isn’t worth your time.
NTA
Your mom is so toxic. I’d at least set some very clear boundaries with her moving forward.
All this does point to something deeper though. I know this wasn’t a one off, that’s for sure.
NTA, saying that women don’t want hard of hearing children tells you exactly what your mom thinks of you
NTA. Your mom is ableist and wrong! College breakups are totally normal and not a referendum on your disability or suitability as a partner in general. That’s absolutely wild talk!
She should have just said most relationships end, and you should just try to treat people well, be kind to yourself when a relationship doesn’t work out, and try again next time you meet someone you like. It really isn’t that deep, but she made it awful.
She owes you an apology and should honestly seek therapy. But that’s not on you. You don’t owe her anything. If your parents support you financially you may need to make nice for a couple years, but you know your situation. You are NOT the AH here. I’m so sorry your mom is like this. You deserve better
NTA. Do not make amends. She is the one that owes you an apology. Your mom is toxic. The rest of your family are what are called “flying monkeys”. If you can afford and have access to I highly recommend talk therapy so you can strengthen your boundaries.
PS. Hearing aids are no big deal and you will absolutely find somebody that suits you.
Source: I’ve worn aids for 40yrs
Your Mum doesn’t fully accept you or think you are valuable because you’re deaf. Yes, you’re correct, she’s projecting.
NTA. Your mom is also wrong. She’s saying such nonsense because that’s how she thinks, but she doesn’t speak for all women and thankfully, most decent women are not ableist pieces of work.
Do not relent or give in. You owe her nothing. Not even an apology.
Your mom was TA in the way she said things. But she is probably right it might be a disadvantage to your dating life. Since you found love before, clearly not a deal breaker, but an inconvenience.
As for you, NTA when it happened, but definitely YTA for seven months. Just call her and make amends. Your sister is right.
NTA. Sure some people wont want to date you because of your hearing aids. These people are called assholes. Your mother is also an asshole. Theres nothing wrong with having deaf or hard if hearing kids, they can still have fantastic and fulfilling lives. Your mom is just being awful.
Who needs enemies at this point. NTA. I would go no contact with her and all of your family. Either they are cowards who are afraid to stand up for you or they agree. I wouldn’t want that in my life. No parent should ever speak like this to their kid. She clearly feels that way about you and most likely will never apologize until you show her that she can’t just say that to you without bigger retaliation. Maybe she will learn what’s okay to say and what’s not.
NTA – Your mom was needlessly cruel. As someone with a visible disability, if someone thinks you haven’t already considered that some people may reject you because of it, they’re delusional. She didn’t have to say those things, so her motives were not kind.
Family is built from love, not biology. Someone who loves you wouldn’t say such hurtful things. If that is your family’s idea of love, there are a lot of people who will not only accept you but love you just the way you are. Go find your real family and tell your other family that they had their chance, and they chose to hurt you instead.
Your mom would like you too stay at home and let her co tinues to mother you. Keep your distance and prove her wrong. She does love you but needs to let you go.
NTA. Your mom is a witch who will judge you for things you can’t control for the rest of your life. And based on your story it seems like your family is capitulating to her by saying you’re in the wrong even though mom appears to be devoid of empathy, tact, grace, and civility. You don’t have to subject yourself to that just because you slid past her cervix 21 years ago.
NTA. What an awful thing to say to anyone let alone your own child. The only people less likely to date you are people you are better off without anyway holy shiiii… My mom is like this too, my sister has an illness and she’s been terrible entire both our childhoods and young adulthoods. She’s stopped being as terrible now that I’m 41 but she was able to inflict a lot of damage early on and I get not wanting to call someone like that.
NTA. Your mom needs this reality check. Not only was she seriously hurtful with what she said, but she is flat-out wrong. I was recently just at a wedding, and guess what? The groom has hearing aids and is fairly deaf without them. I also work with a guy who has hearing aids, and he is married and has two kids, and he’s been hard of hearing for as long as he can remember.
Geeze bro. Definitely NTA. That really sucks she treated you that way and no one in your family has been supportive or even think she did anything wrong. They all sound like shallow assholes. Don’t give in to them. Stand your ground. Your life is not worth any less than anyone else’s just because of your impairment. You clearly are getting by with it and have already had a girlfriend, so its not hindering you in that respect. It doesn’t seem like they think much of you unfortunately, which really hurts because they are family, but honestly, fuck em. You got no obligation to keep those type of people in your life, blood means nothing. Its just a starting default that we hope helps us along the way, but we have no obligation to continue carrying on with that. Keep your head up, keep people in your life who dont treat you like that.
NTA. As a mother I could never imagine saying something so cruel, hurtful, and downright shitty to my baby. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this painful situation. *hugs*
Wow that’s a horrible thing to say to someone. Me and my family can hear but my mum met and fell for a deaf guy when she was out gold detecting/fossicking, they dated for a few years and she leaned sign language for him..
There’s plenty of people out there who do not care. Please don’t take what she said to heart. I work next to an older deaf man and he’s funny, we always joke around.
If you want to create some distance with someone who makes you feel bad about who you are then that is a perfectly reasonable response. Don’t let anyone guilt you for that, if she wants to have a relationship with you she can apologise and refrain from implying there’s anything wrong with you. Of course there’s challenges but we all face different ones. You’ll be fine.
NTA. That’s awful of your mom to say that, along with not being true at all. I have epilepsy – I can’t drive, can’t drink, have to make sure I’m not sleep-deprived, have piles of medical bills, etc… I still found someone and we’ve been together for 16 years, married for 10 of them (11 year anniversary in October). I’m just saying that for “the one” it doesn’t make a bit of difference.
Your mom is toxic, cruel, and a professional victim, and she sent her flying monkeys (the rest of the family) to do her bidding. that’s ridiculous, they should be there for you and support you. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, just grab your fishing pole and get out there! 😉
NTA!
Your mother (if we can call her that given her callous treatment of you) is so wrong! I agree with you she’s probably projecting her own feelings onto these hypothetical women who won’t want to be with you because you are deaf. (I am so sorry to say this! You deserve unconditional love and support!)
I don’t blame you for going low contact, and you have nothing to apologize for.
You are in college! Go out, have fun, meet lots of people! This internet stranger is sending you a bunch of warm hugs.