My boyfriend (31M) and I (25F) have been together for five years and live together. I cook for us almost every day. I put a lot of time, care, and effort into making meals from scratch, and I know my food tastes good.
What bothers me is that he never compliments my cooking unless I ask him directly how it tastes. When I do ask, he says it’s good, but he never volunteers that on his own. On the other hand, whenever he eats takeout or food he gets for free at work, he reacts immediately. He’ll take a bite and say things like “Mmm” or “This is really good” without anyone asking.
I’ve asked him many times over the years why he reacts so differently. He says something like “I don’t expect takeout to be good, but I have higher standards for your food”. But that doesn’t make much sense to me. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t expect restaurant food to be decent, and if he enjoys what I cook, why doesn’t he show it.
This came to a head recently. Yesterday, I made a meal from scratch and as usual, he ate it silently and only said it was good after I asked. Then today, we had a meal he brought from work and immediately reacted with an enthusiastic “Mmm.” That hit a nerve. I started asking about it and as soon as I heard the usual gaslighting, I blew up.
We ended up having a huuuge fight. He ended up throwing away the food from work and saying he doesn’t want “that” food anymore. I was angry and upset that something I put so much love and energy into always feels overlooked.
During the argument, after he realized I wasn’t easing up, he said, “What do you want to hear from me? I don’t know what to say,” and “I genuinely don’t know why I forget to compliment your food” he said he tries his best to compliment my food more. But it just made me more mad, bc why does he have to try so hard? I told him I don’t want forced compliments, I just want him to be honest. If he likes it, I want him to show that naturally, like he does with other food. If he doesn’t like it, I’d rather know even though that would sting. He acted and looked all hurt, like a wounded dog, as if I’m in the wrong and then left for work. While he was leaving, I told him that he can stay there as long as he wants..
Now I’m wondering if I overreacted. I don’t understand if it’s normal to expect a praise after every meal or am I too needy? Should I expect an apology from him?
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My boyfriend (31M) and I (25F) have been together for five years and live together. I cook for us almost every day. I put a lot of time, care, and effort into making meals from scratch, and I know my food tastes good.
What bothers me is that he never compliments my cooking unless I ask him directly how it tastes. When I do ask, he says it’s good, but he never volunteers that on his own. On the other hand, whenever he eats takeout or food he gets for free at work, he reacts immediately. He’ll take a bite and say things like “Mmm” or “This is really good” without anyone asking.
I’ve asked him many times over the years why he reacts so differently. He says something like “I don’t expect takeout to be good, but I have higher standards for your food”. But that doesn’t make much sense to me. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t expect restaurant food to be decent, and if he enjoys what I cook, why doesn’t he show it.
This came to a head recently. Yesterday, I made a meal from scratch and as usual, he ate it silently and only said it was good after I asked. Then today, we had a meal he brought from work and immediately reacted with an enthusiastic “Mmm.” That hit a nerve. I started asking about it and as soon as I heard the usual gaslighting, I blew up.
We ended up having a huuuge fight. He ended up throwing away the food from work and saying he doesn’t want “that” food anymore. I was angry and upset that something I put so much love and energy into always feels overlooked.
During the argument, after he realized I wasn’t easing up, he said, “What do you want to hear from me? I don’t know what to say,” and “I genuinely don’t know why I forget to compliment your food” he said he tries his best to compliment my food more. But it just made me more mad, bc why does he have to try so hard? I told him I don’t want forced compliments, I just want him to be honest. If he likes it, I want him to show that naturally, like he does with other food. If he doesn’t like it, I’d rather know even though that would sting. He acted and looked all hurt, like a wounded dog, as if I’m in the wrong and then left for work. While he was leaving, I told him that he can stay there as long as he wants..
Now I’m wondering if I overreacted. I don’t understand if it’s normal to expect a praise after every meal or am I too needy? Should I expect an apology from him?
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> I have started a fight and I’m not sure if it was a serious enough offense for me to get that mad and raise my voice at my boyfriend and ruin the mood for the whole weekend. He told me a million times that he likes my food and genuinely doesn’t understand why he forgets to praise it so maybe I should’ve left it alone
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA Just take his non-compliment as a non-compliment and strive to do better. Your lying saying you just want him to be honest. He is being honest your food is unremarkable.
Maybe he doesn’t like your cooking? Maybe he doesn’t want to be mean about it?
YTA because this comes across as insecure and needy. If you are certain that you are making food that tastes good why do you constantly need/want external validation. There is also the possibility that you aren’t as good a cook as you think and maybe your food is just ‘meh’. It is not actually normal to expect praise for every meal you cook
Edit if you are this hurt that your husband isn’t tripping over himself to praise every dish you cook, wait until you are trying to get a screaming 2 year old to try a bite of something and it gets launched across the room
INFO: What is the gaslighting you speak of? You say “I told him I don’t want forced compliments,” but you’re lying; you’re mad at him for not complimenting your food and you want him to follow your idea of how he should compliment your food.
YTA because you ‘want him to want to” and that’s not how reality works. If you want a compliment, ask for one in the moment, not during a fight later. But really? Do you need to be complimented for everything you cook? Like every day? Every single meal you make is so remarkable that he should be remarking on it, really?
NTA. Every night when my family sat down to dinner, my father would compliment my mother on the meal, no matter what it was. My mother later told me how much it meant that my father appreciated the time and energy she put into preparing meals. My mother is a wonderful cook, but sometimes dinner was simple like hotdogs and beans.
It’s just courtesy to tell someone what they fixed tastes good. A partner appreciates the work the other has put into what they do. To compliment takeout while remaining silent over homemade meals is insulting and rude.
NTA.
It’s clear you’re feeling unappreciated. You’re not going to resolve anything by focusing on food and compliments when there is a bigger issue.
Maybe you shouldn’t be doing 90% of the cooking, or whatever the percentage is. Maybe you should cook twice a week and your boyfriend should cook twice a week and the rest can be leftovers or eating out.
You can’t change someone but you can have a discussion and come to a compromise about a new routine.
YTA. Have you ever considered that you’re not a good cook? I can’t play the piano either, but I don’t expect people to tell me how good I am when I sit down and hack around.
You do want forced compliments though. Being neutral and saying nothing is his honest reaction. Cook for him either a) because you enjoy it or b) because you’ve mutually determined it’s your fair share of the household labor, and he is doing his fair share as well. If neither of those things are true, don’t cook for him. Not something to start a fight over. YTA.
INFO – does he appreciate any other things you do for him or the household? Like, does he think there’s a toilet paper fairy kind of thing?
Have you thought about just not cooking for him? Maybe he learns to cook!
NTA He knows by now you like compliments and is not doing anything about it. He also does know how to compliment food. This is probably also more about you wanting to be appreciated for cooking.
Tell him you need to feel appreciated and currently you don’t feel that way. If he cannot meet your needs then you will stop cooking for him as this is hurting you a lot and causing too much tension.
NTA. You feel undervalued. I’m surprised at comments saying you shouldn’t be expecting compliments. If he never mentioned how the takeout tastes, that would be different. But maybe he doesn’t like the cooking as much as you think he does? Maybe you should expect a thank you instead of a compliment. My husband always thanks me for the meal, but he doesn’t like every single thing I cook. He likes most of it, and he still has to be prompted to comment. I think I’m a really good cook, but we have difference in tastes. If he doesn’t like something, he’ll say, “Not my favorite,” and that’s hard to hear but it’s honest and then I won’t cook that thing again, or I’ll ask how he thinks it could be improved. I think it’s reasonable for you to want your boyfriend not to be completely silent. It’s also clear this will not be resolved in a healthy manner if you try to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do. So… stop cooking for him or stop expecting him to compliment your food.
Uuugh this is emotionally exhausting to read.
> “I don’t expect takeout to be good, but I have higher standards for your food”.
First of all, screw off with that entire shit. Unless you’re a professional chef his standards should be exceeded when he comes home and someone has provided him with edible food he didn’t have to make himself. You pay people to make take out. This he’s getting for free.
Here’s my take: if he has a problem with your food he should say something. If your food is edible but not good, he should say thank you cuz you made him food if your food is better than edible, he should still say thank you for the food and also comment on the quality of the food
My guess is he’s lying to you and your food isnt that good. He thinks he’s supposed to lie and now he’s in a stupid position where he has to manually remember to continue lying. this is dumb and infantilising.
You shouldn’t be looking for compliments, but you do deserve respect, gratitude, and honest feedback. It sucks when you go out of your way to make something for someone and they can’t be fucked to appreciate it. However, the benchmark here is gratitude and positive feelings, not compliments.
At best he is being insensitive and ungrateful, at worst he is actively avoiding giving you positive feedback to manipulate you into working harder to impress him. Don’t do that. You’ll burn yourself out. That said, your insecurities are yours to solve and stop looking to your man for approval.
ESH. Communicate better.
Anyone on this thread who says YTA is just flat-out wrong. Cooking is a labor of love. It’s much more than just making food. Your guy doesn’t understand that but he needs to learn.
NTA there’s something weird going on here. If he doesn’t like your food, then he shouldn’t say he does when you ask. But his explanation makes it sound like he expects your food and appreciates food he gets from elsewhere, which is a problem.
Why are you putting so much effort into something that you feel isn’t being appreciated?
Does your boyfriend cook?
I’d choose simple/low energy recipes if I felt my effort wasn’t appreciated.
I started making food for other community members
YTA. You are needy. Maybe your cooking isn’t as good to your BF as it is to you. As long as he is saying thank you, and helping clean up, just move on. Not everyone is able to opine openly and freely.
YTA, you can either have him consciously remember to compliment the meal or you can have his natural reaction, not both. It’s clear his natural reaction isn’t suitable for you, so you have to determine what you want out of him. Additionally, scale it back. If this is such an effort and labor and you feel it is not getting appreciation stop putting in the effort. Reserve a special occasion so you’re not the bar.
YTA
Cooking from scratch doesn’t mean you’re good at it. He’s trying not to hurt your feelings and you’re berating him.
ESH – I agree with other commenters that you can’t force someone to say your food is good by yelling at them **however** it is basic gratitude to thank the person who cooked for you for the meal that is. That can often include a generic compliment, which absolutely does not have to be entirely sincere to do the job of appreciating the love and effort that goes into feeding another person. Your boyfriend could just say “thank you for my delicious dinner” and I assume that would cover most of the hurt.
NTA
Why bother cooking for him ?
ESH. You’re too touchy, and he’s inconsiderate.
You can’t force basic gratitude and appreciation.
But I also wouldn’t put this much effort into cooking for someone who prefers take out.
Make what you enjoy. Let him feed himself.
NTA
When your partner says they’re feeling unappreciated, you are supposed to listen. Otherwise you end up in the whole “i was blindsided” even tho thats entirely your own fault for refusing to listen. NTA
I have no judgment to give, but I really don’t think this is about the food or your cooking.
It is hard for any couple when something you’ve accepted for years one through four all of a sudden becomes intolerable and grounds for an argument in year five. Anything that becomes a trigger like that can seem petty and bizarre except it really is intolerable and anger inducing. Logic isn’t the answer in this situation: the answer is discussing the issue and finding a solution that works for both of you.
Change the way both of you handle food going forward. You can stop cooking. You can keep cooking but do it only in his presence so that he realizes the effort involved. You can cook half the food and he can cook half the food. You can have crappy food for a week or two until you start to appreciate good food. Just change something up and talk about how that makes each of you feel. Once you’ve shaken up the habits you can decide together which habits to choose.
Nothing about eating food is set in stone. You have the right to choose what works best for both of you. But you really have to make a definite effort to change once habits have set in. As humans, you can come up with all kinds of alternatives that can work well.
If not, revert to the patented Reddit relationship advice: dump his ass(TM)!
YTA. Settle down and let the man eat in peace.
I’m a good cook in the sense that I don’t undercook or burn stuff, and my timing of the parts of the meal are spot-on. But hubby doesn’t like my cooking because it’s bland to him. He adds hot sauce, pepper flakes, or a crap ton of salt.
He loves restaurant food because he orders spicy things, and they are always salty. It really makes me not want to bother cooking for him, but I’m cooking for myself anyway.
Fortunately, he has many redeeming qualities, so I don’t give him too much grief about it.
NTA, but you both need to communicate better.
Why do you still even cook for him? Let him cook for himself, or eat his work meals that apparently taste so good.
NTA Cooking for an unappreciative man is adding to the repetitive hell of having to plan and buy and cook every single day ESPECIALLY when he doesn’t cook for you and has come to expect that from you like that’s your responsibility.
NTA. It’s not hard to compliment the food. Maybe you should tell him he should cook a few days of the weeks. I cook the majority of the meals for our family because I’m a sahm. He’ll offer to grill/smoke something a couple times a month to give me a break. But anytime I cook, he always compliments it. That’s good babe or that hit the spot or that was wonderful. And often times he goes back for seconds. What’s even more wonderful is our kids take after his example and compliment my cooking too. The thing is most of the time my food is good, but not always. Sometimes it’s burnt or doesn’t taste right. And sometimes my meals are fancy, sometimes it’s simple hamburger helper or spaghetti. I still get compliments. lol I usually tell him not to lie. Getting compliments over something you do makes you feel appreciated and proud. I’d stop going out of my way to make nicer meals or from scratch meals, and make easy meals.
didnt read the whole thing but ladies WHY? WHY are we still dating men who act such??
YTA
You want him to compliment your cooking but you also want him to be honest and genuine. If he doesn’t compliment it then that’s simply not a thought that comes to his mind when eating your food. Your food is probably not as good as the takeout but he’s just trying to be nice about it but you’re making it hard for him to be nice by trying to force an unnatural response from him.
Just chill out. If it bothers you so much then let him cook half the meals
I’ll go with NAH.
It comes down to the fact that not only do you want him to compliment your food, you want him to MEAN it because you don’t believe him when he says he likes it.
So either you have trust issues or he genuinely doesn’t particularly like your food.
You seem to think you can convince him into liking your food, but that’s simply never going to happen. He can learn to appreciate the effort, but his enjoyment of the food itself will never change. You can also train him into complimenting your food more regularly, however that will likely only make it harder for him to be honest with you in the future or for you to believe him when he genuinely likes something.
So you either have to come to terms with his level of appreciation or consider changing your behavior by changing your cooking or simply not cooking for him anymore. You can’t force someone to love your cooking anymore than you can force someone to love you.
I’m sorry you are with someone that doesn’t appreciate this part of you; hopefully you find a way to work around it.
NTA. Stop playing private chef to someone who clearly doesn’t appreciate what you contribute to the relationship. If he doesn’t appreciate your cooking, he can cook for himself. Better yet, take turns so he knows how much work it is.
Open a can of soup or chili and give him a piece of toast…and make yourself something nice! He doesn’t care to appreciate your efforts…or you can dump his ungrateful ass! You choose!
NTA
If it’s all the same to him, he can cook for himself or you can share the load.
I’d suggest you swap roles for a while and let him cook.
Also, INFO, Is there something he does regularly for both of you? If yes, do you pay attention to compliment his effort or say thanks?
Not to play the devil’s advocate, if yes, then he needs to make even. Like maybe you’re not the best cook ever but you’re making dinner and a “thanks honey that tastes good” doesn’t kill anyone.
“I genuinely don’t know why I forget to compliment your food” = “I don’t appreciate you, your time, or your efforts” NTA
I’ve been married 16 years. When we were first married I cooked dinner every night, he would complain about what I cooked. I’d ask him what he wants, he didn’t know. Id make him breakfast, hed complained about that too. For context, I’m pretty petty after a while of trying, I will either match your energy or take mine back entirely. I usually try to find out how I can make it better. But if all I get is “I don’t know” and resistance, I fall back. I don’t waste my energy anymore. So, I told him, that when he figures out what he wants for dinner, he can cook it. It’s been 12 years of him mainly cooking. He doesnt whine about what I cook anymore. He looks forward to when I decide to hop in the kitchen and take over.
NTA. Sounds like you should stop cooking for him and he can enjoy the delicious takeout he loves so much.
If someone is taking the time and effort to cook for you, being appreciative of it is pretty much the least you can do, and he is not clearing that very low bar.
I wonder whether the reason (NOT an excuse!) why he does this is because he is paying for takeout, and he’s not paying for the home cooked meals. He values the $25 or whatever spent on pizza but not your time or effort. And certainly not your feelings, which it sounds as if you have made clear repeatedly.
NTA idk who raised him but it’s bad manners when someone cooks for you to not say something nice and thank them for it.
NTA
My partner will cook occasionally and although it isn’t the most flavorful, Michelin-star rated meal, I am so grateful when they do.
Everyone please keep in mind that it is not hard to express gratitude for something your partner does for you, even the little things. It has been proven this is what keeps relationships healthy and sustainable.
OP, it sounds like your bf is hearing but not ‘hearing’ if you know what I mean. The concept of complimenting food is not lost on him. You are not crazy for wanting basic kindness and gratitude extended to you when you make a meal for the two of you. I don’t know this person but I will make a guess that he just does not want to. Plain and simple.
What you are asking is not complicated rocket brain surgery. You need to weigh out whether or not you want to continue pursuing a relationship with someone who lacks the emotional intelligence to understand your perspective and come to a mature compromise.
Best of luck!
Hearing my fiance say he enjoys my cooking is one of the most rewarding things ever. NTA
Absolutely NTA. I also cook a lot from scratch, though my husband and I have been together a bit longer than you two – we’ve lived together for sixish years now. My husband is sort of like your boyfriend in that I do have to generally ask if he liked something to get a compliment out of him, but he also just doesn’t care about food that much?? I think if he could eat a soylant like product and get most of his nutrients he would. He never really compliments takeout or anything unless it’s something specifically unique or interesting.
Your guy kind of sucks. It feels like he is intentionally putting down your food/uplifting takeout to make you feel bad. Does he do this sort of thing in other aspects of your lives?
I’ll prob get downvoted as well but I think YTA. According to you it’s been five years of little to no compliment for your cooking. It sounds like you do all the cooking because you don’t work which is fine. Your cooking may be out of this world but this is who your boyfriend is. Either he doesn’t actually like your cooking and was hoping to avoid the fight you just had or he just doesn’t care enough to compliment you.
I’m all for showing gratitude but are you looking for him to compliment everything you make? Would a blanket you’re a great cook babe suffice? If it won’t then you are asking him to give forced compliments because it obviously does not come naturally to him.
Either accept that this is who he is or continue to resent something that’s prob not going to change.
UUUHHHGGGG! Mom the kids are fighting again! ESH
NTA you want some acknowledgment of the hard work you’ve put in to cooking for him. When I’m cooked for i will minimum thank them for making dinner and often add a specific comment ‘I liked the chicken’ or whatever it was.
This is so the cook can feel appreciated and like their effort was not for nothing. It’s damn rude to sit and eat food and not acknowledge the cook like a king at a banquet.
Even if it’s not fully positive, thanks for cooking love, the veggies were good but I found the beef a bit too spicy. You’re demonstrating that 1. You’re grateful 2. You’re acknowledging what you’ve been served and noticing things.
It’s kind of like the difference between you look nice and ‘you look nice, that colour compliments your eyes’ you’re not just complimenting you are noticing and seeing someone/something.
It is not to much to ask your partner to be grateful and notice what they shove in their face each day.
NTA but the fact is, he doesn’t appreciate your food, and he takes you for granted.
Expecting praise for every meal is a bit needy honestly and may be a symptom of you feeling unappreciated generally BUT being thanked for cooking is a bare minimum.
Soft YTA only cuz of the end. I don’t think it’s fair to say “I want you to do this, but I don’t want you to ‘force’ it, I want it to be natural.” It clearly doesn’t come naturally to him, so what do you expect? Him putting in an effort is a GOOD thing, even if it’s not good enough for you.
Your frustration is completely valid. You put a ton of work into cooking for him and it must be hurtful that he doesn’t acknowledge it. I do, however, empathize with him a little bit. Sometimes expressing gratitude and paying compliments aren’t things I do automatically. I don’t know if it’s an autism thing or what but it just doesn’t always occur to me. It’s something my fiancée has pointed out to me and I’ve been working on doing a better job of validating and supporting them. From what you’ve said, it sounds like this isn’t something he’s doing deliberately but it also doesn’t seem like he’s making a conscious effort. I relate to both sides of this conflict a lot because I’ve definitely experienced the pain and frustration that you are but I’m also unintentionally hurtful sometimes and have no clue what I did until it blows up and then have no idea where the fuck the outburst is coming from- which sometimes leads me to get defensive. It’s hard for me to say who, if anyone, is the asshole because it depends entirely on whether or not your partner is as oblivious as he claims and how the discussion was approached up until this point.
Yta. Just accept ur food is poor
Yta for cooking for a jerk
girl find somebody that appreciates you without you having to ask. NTA.