TL;DR – how do you get a spouse that doesn’t mind living in a filthy home to care about cleaning, laundry, and yard work?
So for the long version—
I F35 am employed full-time, as is my spouse M34. We have been together for 12 years and a year ago, we bought our first home. Because we are both employed, we split all of the bills evenly.
It bothers me that we split all of the finances, but none of the responsibilities that come with it. I do all of the cleaning, laundry, yard work, and taking care of our animals (and cooking but that’s not really the issue) and it’s finally wearing me down. I have asked him to help and he just half-asses everything and plays like he doesn’t know how to clean properly, when he sees me do it all the time.
When I try to talk to him about it, he says cleaning doesn’t matter to him. He says he forgets to clean the cat box or he’s too tired to walk the dogs or it’s too hot to mow the yard.
When I finally get him to cave and help, the most he does is tidy up a bit. I tell him over and over that acts of service is my love language and I praise him for even lifting a finger in hopes that it will encourage him to help more, but he doesn’t. He’s NEVER touched a vacuum, a duster, a mop, or anything beyond putting things away.
Recently my job has taken on new projects that have me under a ton of pressure, and my mom’s cancer came back with a vengeance leading me to not be able to carry the load on my own anymore. My husband acts like I’m stressing myself out because HE doesn’t expect me to clean, but why would I not take care of our brand new home? I don’t want to live in filth – that is misery to me and it’s starting to get to the point of resentment. I think what makes it worse is how he doesn’t appreciate the fact that I do cook, I do clean & do laundry, I do take care of the animals by myself.
It’s not just around the house either- he bought a brand new car about six months ago and it’s totally trashed on the inside. He hoards napkins, straws, sauces, and old boxes of fast food. It’s absolutely disgusting, and quite frankly, embarrassing.
I know most of this is on me for letting it get this bad, but when we rented apartments, it wasn’t nearly as much responsibility as owning and caring for a home. On top of the fact that this issue has slowly gotten worse over time.
I just wish I had the right words to get through to him.
Thank you guys
Comments
He sounds like a momma’s boy
>> When I try to talk to him about it, he says cleaning doesn’t matter to him.
There’s your answer. He doesn’t care. He’s not going to do it.
He pays for a maid. Guys like this never start cleaning honey. Do you want to stay married? He pays for a housekeeper to help you. It comes out of his pocket because he won’t clean. If he refuses, go to couples therapy. He clearly can’t hear you and be reasonable that he has a duty as an adult to clean up after himself and it isn’t your job. He is making it your duty by defaulting on his responsibility. If he doesn’t work on it, find a cleaner husband.
Not “help” around the house but do chores as expected in any partnership.
If he’s weaponising incompetence, tell him to pay a hired help to do his responsibilities around the house. This is not sustainable though if finances are tight in your family.
But I would just not care, plan my exit, and eventually I would leave him once I get myself sorted.
The bottom line is that you can’t fix someone who doesn’t think there’s a problem and isn’t willing to change. He understands your words, he just doesn’t care, and you can’t make him care. He would rather sit on his ass and watch you struggle than pitch in. The question for you is: Do you want to stay in a marriage for the rest of your life where that’s the case?
I struggled initially with my partner when I moved in with him. He wanted me to tell him what to do, or would gripe about something not being clean. I told him he had eyes in his head, he had a brain, and he had fully functioning limbs, so he could see something that needed to be done, figure out how to do it, and get it done the same way I could. He would also whine that I didn’t “thank him for helping”. I asked him “When was the last time you thanked me for cleaning something in our home that we share?”, and that put an end to that. It’s taken a while and a few more discussions when he’s slacking off, but he’s significantly better at the everyday stuff now. The difference between my situation and yours is that he acknowledged there was an issue and indicated he was willing to work on fixing it.
As far as more intensive cleaning like scrubbing things and mopping and etc., he still wasn’t pulling his weight, so I told him either he did half himself, or he paid for a housekeeper to do it, because I wasn’t dealing with it alone. We now have a housekeeper every other week that he pays for.
People don’t change. There are no magic words or phrases that will change him. You choose to accept this and never bring it up again – hire a housecleaner and let go of the resentment — or let go of him.
You can try the fair play book and cards, I’ve heard they have some success.
I am not going to blame you in any way, but unfortunately there’s nothing you can do at this point, in my opinion. After over a decade living with the benefits of a clean home and a total lack of appreciation for those benefits, he is unlikely to understand or be willing to change.
My father was married to my mother, a very clean woman, for 14 years. He never cleaned, the entirety of the marriage. He was also a slob. His next wife was also a slob, and a hoarder. I watched the home and his physical body degrade over 15 years.
The home became covered in fleas from animals, wood floor rotted, shower became encrusted, kitchen appliances failed from lack of maintenance and cleaning, resulting in an inability to cook in the home and more eating out.
My father was diabetic. Bug bites from fleas and other insects and then living in a filthy, hoarded home, gave him infected, open wounds and eventually resulted in multiple toe amputations. Eating out constantly without the ability to cook food in a filthy and hoarded kitchen lead to overconsumption of fast food, resulting in an eventual need for insulin which he couldn’t afford thanks to the American health care system, as well as weight gain which exacerbated his knee and joint pain, resulting in limited mobility. He died at age 63 as a result of his failing health.
I tell you this story because my father, with his LIFE on the line, wouldn’t clean. Couldn’t be bothered to maintain his home, his car, his animals, or his own LIFE.
Can you use this story to outline the path your husband is fully happy to walk down? Maybe. I doubt it will motivate him.
My recommendation would be to consider this: You are 1 person who produces 1 person’s worth of “filth” (Food trash, dirty dishes, dust, laundry, etc).
You are currently cleaning up 2 people’s worth of filth.
Your life would be less stressful if 1 person’s worth of filth is removed from your life. If that 1 person cannot clean their own filth, then there is only 1 other way to reduce the amount of filth being created in your house.
Men don’t have the same issue with clutter that women do.
The solution is probably just dont have so much stuff.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/gvo0mt/i_just_read_my_wife_divorced_me_because_i_left/
This is probably pretty stupid but just tossing out something that hasn’t been said yet. Maybe a chore tracking app like Sweepy or something where he could gamify cleaning or see how much more than him you are doing?
Or does he have a room in the house that is just his like a hobby or office? Put every mess he makes in there. I know that this would not take care of pets and other mutual chores, but maybe if his personal space starts to show what he is causing it will motivate him? Like if he leaves dirty dishes on the counter, put them in his room and he can’t bring them out until HE rinses and puts them in the dishwasher. His dirty laundry doesn‘t get done by you, it goes in his room.
He doesn’t have to care about the chores, but he has to care that you care about the chores. If he can’t do that then I don’t think there’s a magic fix.
speaking from many years of experience… he’s not going to change. time to decide if that’s a dealbreaker for you.