Me (31M) and my girlfriend (31F) have been together for 5 years and live together. We’re both in professional jobs with good income. For the first few years we were of the same mindset, saving to buy a house together, getting married and starting a family however around 3 years ago she got a new job and suddenly changed. Started going out to parties until 4/5am 3/4 times a week and started traveling abroad with friends for a week every 1/2 months.
We had a chat and I told her she had to choose, either we stay on course to buy a house and get married or she could keep her current lifestyle but we wouldn’t progress to marriage. She said she was happy partying and traveling and was ok with not getting married or starting a family.
Now 3 years later, 3 of her friends are married and 4 have children and she’s suddenly had a change of heart. She’s stopped the partying and traveling for the past 2 months and has told me she wants to be married by the end of the year and start a family by next year as she’s getting older and all her friends have settled down.
The problem for me is twofold. The first is that for the past 3 years, whilst we often go to nice restaurants and nice holidays I have been saving money and have enough to buy a house without a mortgage whereas she has no savings and a lot of credit card debt. The second is that I do not think I can get married and start a family with someone that I have not been planning a wedding and family with.
I have told her my thoughts and that I am really happy in our current relationship and don’t want to change it but she says I’m being unreasonable and this is normal. I’m conflicted but wanted to see if anyone has any advice.
Comments
Time to break up then. Move on so that you can both find were you want.
Let her go. She sounds incredibly immature, irresponsible, and impulsive. This is NOT the kind of person you want to get married to. You don’t want to be shackled with her debt, she’s only wanting to get married and have kids because her friends are doing that and she’s feeling left out, and the minute she starts hanging out with a new crowd and her interests change, you’ll be stuck going along with it again.
The audacity of her to call you unreasonable when she suddenly demanded that you get married within 6 months and get pregnant within a year completely out of the blue, after you previously gave her that option and she said no. You should have broken up back when she was constantly partying (and who knows what else) until 5am at age 28 when you were trying to build a future. But the next best time is now.She isn’t marriage material, and she isn’t long term relationship material either.
Messed up to keep her around when you know she wants to get married and have a family. Time to be honest and tell her you never see that as being possible with her.
You seem to have been at different places in life, her wanting to live it up and enjoy her youth. You, wanting to settle.
Now she seems to be in the same place you are. Which is exactly where you want her to be isn’t it.
I’d rather her sew her wild oats before marriage than after it.
Make sure she doesn’t baby trap you. Use a condom every single time you are foolish enough to have sex with her. (I don’t mean to sound cruel when I use the word foolish; however, a broke woman with massive credit card debt in her 30s is going to jump onto any liferaft she can.) if you do have sex with her, make sure the condom does not have pinholes poked in it.
She’s not ready to settle down, she’s just out of options💀
run!
Why did you stick around when she was partying until morning and traveling without you?
I wouldn’t marry her. But I’d have dumped her back when she was out until 4 or 5 AM. Nothing is going on at that time that someone in a relationship needs to be doing.
Bro how much strange has she got throughout the years quit fooling yourself buddy and move on! Take your savings with you and find someone who wants what you want
If This is your person you need to stop holding a grudge. However if you do get married you need to put some boundaries around her financial management or sign a prenup
She grew up. Some people are ready to settle down in their twenties. Some will take until they are in their forties.
Beyond the fact that it seems like you view life differently, and it sound like her past choices are still irritating you, why would you stay for 3 more years?
What’s the point of stringing this relationship along in your late 20’s to early 30’s, if it’s clearly a mismatch of intentions and plans.
Quit stringing her along now if you aren’t ready to commit. You both should move on.
Time for you to move on. Sounds like she’s settling down only because her friends have and she’s racked up debt. That means she isn’t really ready, she’s simply out of options.
Run. And if you’re active before you run, protection is a must to avoid a baby trap.
Then break up with her you weirdo.
You say you are happy with the relationship as-is; that is okay, not everyone needs a relationship that progresses to the “next level” of marriage and kids. But if that is what she wants, you can’t have a relationship without one of you making a compromise on your life goals that, in my mind, would be too drastic of a compromise to work without some sort of resentment developing.
It sounds like you are both on totally different wavelengths when it comes to three of the most important things to agree on in a relationship that is intended to last: children, marriage, and money.
I think the longer that you continue on with this relationship, the longer you delay the inevitable.
Well, people can and do change. Our views of life do change over time and with circumstances and choices.
You know this to be true because you are now happy with the way things are, even though it wasn’t what you were looking for 3 years ago. She knows it is true because she now wants things that you wanted back then and don’t want now.
Honestly, the person you need tot talk to is your girlfriend. Explain that when she stated that her priorities were not on building a marriage and a home together, you changed your own priorities, but you can’t change back so suddenly. Don’t make it a blame thing. Tell her that you were accepting of her change of choice, but it meant that you also changed your own perspective. As long as she wants to keep being your girlfriend, you’re happy with it, but if she wants something different from that, she has to find it with someone else. Say this as kindly as you can, please. Be decent about it.
And it isn’t wrong to keep an open mind about potentially changing your own feelings about marriage later on. If she really is committed to being more responsible. Or not. Your life, your choices.
But if you marry her, do consider a prenup.
Why didn’t you break up 3 years ago? Obviously, the relationship is over.
Is it normal that she’s outgrown partying, yes. Is it normal to stay with someone for 3 years when your goals stopped aligning? No. Move on. Unless you’re going to stop punishing her and set a plan for shared goals, the relationship is way past expiration.
You are both on a canoe. You are paddling one way, she’s paddling the opposite. As you can see, both of you are not making any progress going anywhere. Find someone who wants to paddle in the same direction you want to go in life – and you’ll get there twice as fast. Good luck.
Why did you stay with her then? Seems like you made your decision three years ago and just failed to act upon it.
If you don’t see yourself settling down or marrying this woman then you need to end things and allow her to find someone who desires to give her what she wants deep down. It’s just incredibly selfish to use someone as a placeholder or string them along.
The choice is to break up or move forward into marriage. Don’t drag this on.
So listen, if she’s not the one you want to settle down with – break up with her. It’s not fair for you to continue to waste her baby making years on you, if marriage isn’t what you want with her.
Also, I don’t blame you for not wanting to take on her debt and why should you?
But if she’s not what you want cut her free and you can both find someone else.
I would think long and hard about marrying someone with poor financial habits. It will bite you in the ass, my friend. You will be saving and responsible and she will spend it. Unless she changes, it will drive you mad. I had a similar issue in my first marriage. You gotta look out for your sanity and your health and happiness.
she is as partying and travelling without you racking up credit card debt and no savings or investments. That’s not someone ready to get married
This marriage will never work because of you.
You are already in a state of contempt and condemnation towards her.
When people have these attitudes towards others for any reason their marriage will fail.
You think you are her judge, jury, and Executioner. This theme will spoil all of your relationships.
If you find a different person to marry you… it won’t last and you will have child support and visitations.
How about focus on your flaws instead of someone elses?
I wouldn’t recommend getting married, but that doesn’t mean you need to break up. You seemed happy with the relationship before she changed her mind, and marriage isn’t likely to solve anything; in fact, it might make things worse, especially considering her current mindset and financial situation. Take some time to really think about what marriage means to you and whether it’s even necessary. You could still consider having kids together, but I believe that piece of paper will only bring you trouble.
We have a twisted concept of commitment in our society, and marriage is NOT the only answer.
What if you broke up with her and found someone who was preparing like you have been doing?
Why did you spend the last 3 years with her if you knew you guys wanted different things out of life? Personally, I’d move on.
OP knew what was up, just needed to type it out.
Why did you stay with her if the intention wasn’t to get married and have a family? If that’s what you wanted and she changed course I don’t even understand why you stayed with her? Obviously she’s very influenced by her peers so right there it’s not someone you could trust that she has integrity. All these flags to me show that she isn’t marriage or relationship material.
“she’s suddenly had a change of heart”
That conversation was three years ago. Apparently it wasn’t enough of a deal breaker to break up so it’s unfair to continue to hold it against her. I wouldn’t want to get married in your position either, but I also wouldn’t stay in that relationship at all. Just break up and look for what you actually want in a partner
This is not your person. You are not her person.
Neither of you should get married. I hear your point but never get married if you’re going to hold someone to what they decided years ago. Life isn’t nearly so neat
What happened to true love.where you will do anything for your love. You had that same choice at the same time. You stayed together. People’s ideas change and habits change,wants and needs fluctuate. Here’s what I would do if I truly loved her. OK babe let’s get married but you have to pay half towards a wedding. You don’t need to instantly buy a house . Set financial expectations with her and create a budget.give her a chance.have a conversation to to make sure she wants to actually get married and not just because her friends are. Let her no the partying has to stop and this is your expectations. She will have some too. It’s about communication and compromise and compassion. Three cs .
My man what is your long term goal here? Fast forward 5 years. What does your “relationship” look like?
I feel like I have been saying this a lot on different threads, but you both are not ready for marriage. Not even close.
Good luck though.
Break up and move on.
No, she wants what she wants. Ask her how much she has saved to buy the house? Does she pay bills in your apartment? Ask her for a full financial accounting. Tell her that you will NOT marry her until her bills are paid off and she has some savings. Until then you are happy as things are.
This makes no sense. You’ve been saving up for a house and a family while she’s been partying, but now you don’t want a house or a family now that she has stopped partying and she wants a house and family? Dude, make a decision.
If you still want a house and a family, but you just don’t want one with HER then just break up.
Why did you string her along if you were never seeing a future with her.
I think you’re too salty about it and should let her go. Why are you resenting that you chose to stay home? There doesn’t have to be a punishment because she lived her youth.
Why did you stay with her these years when you disapprove of her choices? If you knew she wasn’t someone you wanted to marry and you would need to be on the same page about it, you should have left her when she told you it wasn’t her priority.
So what are you going to do now? Not buy a house to spite her, and never get married or start a family? It seems that’s what you wanted, but you are staying with her wasting both your time to make some point.
Just end it, already, if you aren’t willing to share your life with her. You have pretended to be fine with this for long enough.
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I honestly can’t decide which one of you is worse . I’m not sure why you stayed with her when your goals were not inline . What was your thinking , kept her around for sex and her paying half the rent and then kick her out when you bought the house you were saving for ? It’s obvious you have resentment for the lifestyle she chose so it’s really weird you didn’t move on and let her find someone who wants the same things .
If she’s serious then she needs to get her priorities and finances together. You two should sit down and agree on an acceptable milestone to get engaged, then marry. If you can’t agree then it’s not meant to be.
Honestly, you should have broken up three years ago when your oaths started to diverge but now is the next best time to end things.
Beak up, Do NOT mix any finances, and then buy YOUR house.
Should’ve dumped her as soon as your goals weren’t aligned
Jeeez even here people are trying to shift the blame to OP lmao bad men women good
Break up already.
You bring security to the table. She brings debt. That’s a great deal for her. Kinda sucks for you. Why are you wasting your time with her?
I think your gut is telling you not to marry her, and I would listen. You can date and maybe even have a kid if YOU want but I don’t see marriage being a net positive for YOU in this situation.
In addition to the financial irresponsibility. She was staying out till 4/5am, 3or4 nights a week. And you don’t think she was sleeping around?
It seems counter intuitive to save for a house and marriage,and stay with someone you’ve already decided doesn’t fit the bill due to her own choices. Why didn’t you leave earlier?
You need to break up good grief
Sort your head out and get away from her before a child is made.
Save yourself and move on fast.
You will be stuck with two child support payments within 2.5 years… and kiss that house you paid cash for goodbye.
How you actually put up with her previous lifestyle change with such a monumentally high risk of cheating is 100% totally beyond me. There is a zero % chance I would have stayed with her with that behaviour.
This is just great for her, she partied her ass off, probably cheated like crazy and now comes back to her stable back up plan guy becasue she is at that age and all her friends are married.
This woman sounds 100% like NON marriage material to me. You’re nuts if you get married to her imo but to each their own,
Why did you stay in this relationship for so long?
This is effed up. Why did you stay with her while hating her this whole time?
Time to leave they all Wana party thinking they have forever then they turn 30 and all their friends have families and they get footage as old as time women turns 30 is ready to settle down but she has debt and poor choices time to find a better women
Dude. She chose fun over commitment. Then back pedaled. She’s making you the bad guy. Personally I’d tell her to pound sand. You planned for the future. She didn’t. You saved. She created debt. In no way would I ver make a hat chick permanent.
Do yourself a favor man. End it.
Lets have strangers tell you what you already know… Anyway… Next Question xD
So it sounds like she basically became a placeholder gf for you when she decided she didn’t want to follow along with your plans, and now she wants to marry and you’ve already decided 3 years ago she isn’t the one. I don’t know why you wasted both of y’all’s time staying with her, but it’s obviously time to move on.
Then why didn’t you break up 3 years ago?
Three years ago you both determined marriage was not a common goal. That goal has changed. She wants marriage and you do not want marriage (with her at least). Time to set her lose and for you to move on to the life you want to have.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable as you both had different priorities. The question for you is why did you stay together when your priorities changed ?
Prenup. She chose experiences over property which is totally cool. You do need to shit or get off the pot however.
She’s for the streets
Do you think she cheated on you while partying ?
Shoulda broke up with her 3 yrs ago
does she want the party or the actual marriage?
Like my advice would be if she’d accept a small quiet wedding only attended by a frw people, then if she wants to be married by the end of the year, she’s doing it to commit. If she wants like £50k dropped on dresses and a free bar and all her friends gathered in one place giving her attention then it could be that she’s doing it for the wrong reasons
I’d actually sit down with her and talk seriously, like get her to talk about what she wants out of a wedding. Planning it together is the main thing if you’re not clear on why she wants THAT particular timescale then are yous even communicating well enough to be dating let alone engaged????
So are you Punishing her for her choice not to have kids before she was 30?
Sounds like you’re going to be in one of the next EWU vodeos, should you break up. 😮
You’re in too deep, dawg. Should’ve cut the cord years ago but now you’re both emotionally invested (albeit at different levels) and facing a hard decision. Reread your post and there’s your answer. Sorry dude.
Stopped reading at “credit card debt”.
So you stayed with her while she partied for 3 years? And you’re still together even though you gave her the choice.
I think you’re going to do as you’re told mate 😂
She will be pregnant by next year lol
You were disciplined while she was partying. She does NOT deserve your support and money imo. Buy a house on your own after you leave her. It’s time to level up.
You weren’t important enough. Bro move on.
She’s only “settling down” because her party buddies are out of commission. I give it six months max before she finds new party friends
You two aren’t compatible and should have broken up years ago
I don’t personally feel there was anything particularly wrong in what your girlfriend was doing, your twenties are pretty much the perfect time to party and travel, as life’s responsibilities get increasingly serious as you get older.
That said, it’s your prerogative to not be ok with that, and say you don’t want to marry someone who likes to party and travel.
But then, why stay with her? It’s totally fine if you don’t want to marry her, but just split up then so that you can each find a partner more suited to your own tastes, and who wants the same type of relationship and future.
You’re losing productive years you could be looking for somebody to have a family with. You won’t get your 30a back and you already lost your 20s. You should’ve ditched her when you knew she didn’t share your goals and values.
People don’t change. Don’t sign up for a marriage just to get divorced later. Tons of women are looking for exactly a guy like you. Get out there and make one happy.
Break up today and find someone who shares your goals.
Now she is done partying and is getting older, she’s decided to settle for you. You should have ended this relationship when she decided to party until 4 am – at that time, she was looking for new dick.
If you’ve changed your mind since 3 years ago about being her partner and buying a house together, etc, WHY are you still with her?
You’ve been together for 5 years. It’s actually pretty common to progress to marriage esp. if you have a good working relationship.
Are you there to just waste her time? LOL.
If the relationship is not good (as in you’re unhappy–but you say you’re happy, so I don’t ‘get’ it), then you guys need to break up and let her find another patner.
She can’t have her cake and eat it to. Your savings was her back up plan after having her fun life.
Tbh you sound rather cold and demanding. Instant ick reading this. I hope she finds peace.
Sounds like she just follows what her friends are doing and changes her whole vision of life on a whim. That would be exhausting, I would certainly avoid commitments with someone like that, especially if they are shaming you for being “unreasonable” while simultaneously expecting you to carry 100% of the financial burden. Sounds manipulative af.
The thing is now her time is now limited being 31 now, she sees this and realises now where as it was obvious this would happen.
Do the curtesy of telling her now as if she wants kids it’s going to take time to find the right person then settle her time is ticking.
You think she was actually faithful during all that partying and traveling ?
She’s panicking and you’re still with her after all her fun times. Don’t be so naive, OP.
You’re the safe guy she can come back to after she got her back blown out by her new travel friends.
You were foolish not to dump her long ago. Make up for your massive mistake and do it now.
She also ran out of friends to go swinging with. You know she was going through her hoe phase while you were waiting for her…
Move on for both your sakes
FFS. Break up and move on. End of story.
I forgot my lunch today and had to eat out instead
She’s used and abused. Go break up with her. Take a year off and come back stronger than ever. Fuck these heauxs
It ain’t working. Time to break up. That’s an easy choice. She’s walked all over your wishes within the relationship, and now she wants you to quickly jump to hers and doesn’t have the capacity to understand your hesitation. She’s not serious nor mature enough. Throw her back to the ocean.
This one is coming down to money. Not your second reason. If she had the same financial stability we would not have read this post.
So either commit or break up. In this one, you will be the villan. I get were you are coming from, but love is not in the air. If she paid for half of everything and on top of that gave herself a good lifestyle, of course she won’t savings.
Unmatched core values that 3 years later are evident now. Comfort over breaking 3 years ago.
Money, always money.
Time to break up bro. Why stay with her if that was such a deal breaker? Shit or get off the pot
Sounds like she wanted the best of both worlds. Live the high life and then when she was ready to settle down she knew you would be waiting. I suspect you would never get past the resentment. A financially independent, unmarried 31 year old male is a catch. A 31f with poor finances, poor judgment and a ticking clock not so much. She gambled on your better nature. As others said it was time to move along 3 years ago, but the 2nd best time is today.
When her friends wanted to party and travel, she wanted to party and travel. When her friends wanted to get married and have kids now she wants the same. When her friends start getting divorced…
She didn’t change her mind. She always planned on making a mess of her finances, and then letting you clean up that mess. That was always HER plan.
Oh, that wasn’t the plan you two made together?
Yeah bro, I’d say buy yourself a house and let her hang out and keep dating. But you told her at the time (3 years ago) that she had a choice to make about life-long planning. She made her choice.
That means the option of marriage and kids is something she already refused 3 years ago. A person doesn’t change their life-long plans in 3-years.
This was always her plan.
(Either that or she’s too fickle to be worth making life long plans with)
You should have broken up the moment she choose the Party over you. You’re still young. This will always be between you and her.
Why are you still together?
Leave her lmao please don’t tell me Op is gonna marry her and get her debt also lmao
Stop wasting her time and move on or marry her.
Get some couples counseling or break up.
Just bail and do your own thing. You won’t have the wife or family but you’ll have a nice house to yourself and debt free life to enjoy. Maybe you’ll meet someone down the road and although probably too late to have kids, could adopt.
Sounds like she might have been cheating or had a side piece anyway. Just move on and enjoy your life.
You are on different paths, have different goals, and different approaches to money. You just aren’t compatible. It’s time to move on.
tldr version
“my girl got ran through the last 3 years. she was out partying, cheating on me,.. girls trips, the usual. i stayed at home like a good boy, waiting for her. i asked her to not do it, she didnt care about me or any of my objections.. she didnt respect me. should i still be her ATM???”
You both are getting any younger. Time to find someone who shares your same values. She wants to start a family and get married. Is she enamored with the idea of getting married because all her friends are married and with children or does she love you and want to spend the rest of your life with you, growing a family and future together.
Crazy how she all of a sudden wants to get married by the end of the year. Also, though 5yrs is a long time dating, you guys didn’t really evolve together as a couple.
I think it’s time to move on.
🚩 why do you still in this relationship? Move on
Then you should have left her when she made it clear she had changed. Why did you stay with her?
Why didn’t you break up with her in the first place? Getting pussy, someone else paying half the rent, so who cares, right?
You don’t like her and you didn’t like her 3 years ago. Admit it and leave it’s not her fault or yours
The fact that you dealt with that for 3 years… mind blowing
You’re wasting her time now. Marry or set her free
She’s for the streets
why stay with her then, good enough to sleep with just not marry?
Wait till all her friends get divorced…
Break up with her before she babytraps you
Why are you staying with her. Dump her and find someone you are in alignment with financially. Why would you want to get stuck with her cc debt and her get half of what you have saved and worked for
If that’s your opinion you should have broken up with her 3 years ago. You wasted her time.
Mate, hate to break it to you but she’s only doing this cause her friends have moved on. She missed her window with you, move on.
I think you’re getting some harsh feedback here. I don’t blame you for staying with her three years ago; it seems as though her decision to carry on partying wasn’t a dealbreaker for you, it simply changed your mindset towards the relationship.
If she wants to get married and you don’t, she can end things. You clearly are happy/satisfied with how things are, and I don’t think you should be browbeaten into doing something you don’t want to – after all, she didn’t!
I’m not trying to call your preferences wrong but relationships don’t work off of stringent ultimatums unless you’re referring to boundaries.
Not only should you break up but frankly you shouldn’t have stayed with her if she wasn’t meeting the qualities you originally sought after IF you weren’t going to be open to change in the future. What did you expect? For her to stay the same forevermore? To not adapt and want more eventually?
Again I understand where your point was, and I understand your desire to respect her wishes as well but you can’t possibly be all that shocked that the partying would eventually fade away.
My advice is to leave unless you’re going to make yourself more adaptable to her preferences. I can’t recommend staying since you’re likely to become too flexible.
Good, if he insists you know what to do.
Call Dave Ramsey.
Sounds like you should have broken up 3 years ago, hoss.
Don’t do it, your gut instinct is correct – she doesn’t respect you and wants to do what she wants all the time with no regard for your wishes. If you get baby trapped by her you will be in misery forever.
Ps. You were her backup plan for when all options failed
TL;DR DO NOT MARRY HER
You don’t want the same things. Time to move on.
That’s right! Punish her for being young and not wanting to start that chapter of her life… I think the best move is to continue to date her and make sure she suffers the consequences of wanting to enjoy her 20’s until she is at least 70… at that time you can say “see, you fool! Look what you missed out on by being young!” She will instantly realise what an aweful person she was for not working a solid job and having several well groomed kids at the ripe age of 27 and instantly fall in love with you again.
You’ve been the side chick for 3 years. I hope you have at least one side chick
Either got over it, or tell her it isn’t working out. Time to put on your big boy pants!👖
Sounds like you made your mind up 3 years ago and did fuck all about it?
So you are still with her why?
I’m surprised you held out that long. Two months is hardly an effort after years of partying and traveling and doing who knows what. You even said it yourself it sounds like she’s only interested in marriage because her other friends are doing it like it’s FOMO or something. You sound mature and like you have your shit together and she sounds like she’s a freshman in college. Personally I would not waste my time, sanity, and hard earned money on someone this selfish and unstable.
You don´t owe anybody a marriage, she made her bed, now she has to lie in it, but you need to break up with her ASAP.
I recommend you go to r/askmenadvice
Why didn’t you break up when you gave her the ultimatum? I’m not trying to be rude I genuinely wanna know what you thought would happen when you guys inevitably got to this point
Dude – be a man. Marry her or break up with her.
Uh, time to move on or forgive and let her back in. Those are the choices.
Move on friend.
She has “have her cake and eat it too” syndrome.
Do YOU still want to get married and start a family? That’s the real question you’ve got to decide — you seem to have decided you don’t want it with her.
You actually only have one problem – sitting her down and ending the relationship.
I think you’re making this more complicated than it has to be. Your needs and priorities don’t align. You’ve lost a certain level of respect for her. It’s time to end it.
She and her friends most likely got railed senseless in those partying and travelling years and now it’s time to settle down and draw your funds.
so you stayed with her through that but now holding is above her head? seems a little odd and just an excuse because you’re not that into her anymore. or don’t want kids which is
more than reasonable in these times.