TLDR; I’m reconsidering a near-perfect relationship because she wants to have kids far in the future and I have never wanted to have kids, and am not sure if I ever will.
Hey everyone – made a burner account here for obvious reasons. I’m looking mostly for practical advice from people who have been through similar situations.
My gf (let’s call her Em) and I have been dating since college, we’ve now been living together for over a year in a major US city. We’ve experienced so much life together over the last 4 years – backpacking trips abroad, periods of long distance, mutual best friends, challenges and successes, we feel extremely close and aligned. Our values and interests are also very connected, we are on the same page with just about everything in life. However there’s one big issue that keeps popping up.
She would like to have kids, I would not. I had a difficult childhood, growing up hating myself and struggling with anxiety, depression, ADHD, substance abuse, and issues with my parents. She on the other hand was very connected with her family and had all of her relatives living in the same small town and loves the idea of being a mother and grandmother someday. However she’s very relaxed on timeline and has told me she doesn’t want to do marriage or kids until her 30s.
I can’t see myself ever suddenly wanting to be a father since I’ve been completely against it for as long as I can remember. I have a whole laundry list of reasons why I don’t that would take a whole other post to go into. Still – I’ve been talking to many people including my mom who said they were totally against having kids until their 30s and suddenly something clicked.
I’ve told Em that there’s a chance that I change my mind and that’s what we’ve been banking on but this seems like a lot to leave up to faith that something will change.
Besides the kids there are some doubts I can find if I really nitpick, but our relationship seems close to perfect from comparison looking at the state of everything right now. Also, being single again would be a nightmare especially since I’m HSV+. I don’t want to imagine how difficult it would be to find another relationship as amazing as the one I’m in now. I talked to my therapist about this dilemma and he kind of dismissed it saying you never know what the future will be like , etc.
I don’t know if I’m being overly paranoid expecting this not to work out… or is this just part of a normal process of discovering your desire to be a father. We’ve been having some discussions about it but the outcome is usually that we will “work it out eventually” and that this isn’t such a big deal. But this still feels very scary to me and I’m not sure what to do next. Do you think I should take action here preemptively or let time run its course?
Comments
Stop wasting her time and break up.
You cannot compromise on this. You cannot have half of a child. If she will be unfulfilled if she does not have children and you do not want children you have to break up.
Is this something you discussed early in the relationship? If so why did it continue?
This is an incompatibility and if you “give in” and have kids you will resent her and if she “agrees” to not having kids she will resent you. I can’t see this ending well for either of you tbh.
If you have a whole laundry list of reasons why you don’t want kids, and nothing in the ‘pros’ column, stop wasting each others’ time sooner rather than later. The time sunk fallacy is really going to get you.
Have you told her that you’re in the fence with kids – but more on the side of not having them?
Let’s say you’re still together when you are both in your 30s and she’s ready, what are you going to do?
Hope that you actually want a kid? Keep moving the goal posts to give her (false) hope?
What if you’re finally ready to have a kid, but she no longer safely can (knock on wood)?
How many does she ideally want? You say kid, but what if she wants multiple, potentially close together?
How committed to being a father do you think you would be?
You can’t compromise on kids. It just leads to resentment and disappointment.
It’s valid to not want kids. However, you’re already 25 and haven’t wanted any up until now. I truly don’t see that changing and it’s a huge risk.
Why would you risk not wanting them in 6 years when she is making it clear she wants them in the foreseeable future? It’s kind of selfish.
Also, herpes is really not that rare. Many people don’t know they have it, but it’s common enough that it should NOT be a consideration here.
For another data point, I’ve known I didn’t want kids my entire life, and my 30s and 40s didn’t change that.
I was never enthusiastic about having kids, but my wife wanted them. I said screw it and went along with it. It’s actually pretty nice, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected.