Hi everyone, I’m feeling in need of a sanity check here. My now ex-boyfriend and his female housemate have a thing where they trade shoulder massages. They’ve been doing this since before he and I met, and AFAIK their relationship is only platonic. We discussed this and I said it made me feel uneasy, but they continued to do it, and I tried to just get over it.
A couple of days ago he let me know over the phone that he was going to be late coming to my house the next evening because he was giving this woman a massage for her birthday. I admittedly became very angry. He said that “I knew that he and [housemate] traded shoulder massages,” seemingly implying this time would be yet another run-of-the-mill shoulder massage. He then slipped up and let me know that this massage would last an HOUR. I responded that nobody gives an hour-long shoulder massage; he gave a long pause and then admitted this one would be full body.
He claimed that he was scared to bring this up to me because I might get angry or say no, and he was hoping he could just do it and then have me be okay about it after the fact. This feels like a massive violation of relationship and monogamy norms to me. His response was that I’m controlling, I don’t let him have close friends, and that he shouldn’t have to be afraid to bring up something “as small” as a massage to me. This feels like insane gaslighting–he is free to have close friends, but there are limits.
It’s my belief that in a monogamous relationship, there are things that are UNIVERSALLY understood to be off limits, unless otherwise discussed. An hour long, full-body massage to a member of the opposite sex seems, to me, to fall under this category of “obviously not okay unless agreed upon by both partners.” This entire situation feels beyond ludicrous to me, and I believe that he does not have an appropriate understanding of what it means to be in a committed, monogamous relationship. When I in the past wanted to do things that may have hurt him/not been okay (for example, I remain friends with a couple of my exes and we hang out sometimes) I brought this up to him and had a conversation, letting him know that if he was uncomfortable, I would prioritize him and our relationship.
Some additional context: We have had trust issues in the past. Shortly after we became exclusive, he let me know that he had relapsed on his OnlyFans addiction. He subscribed to women’s profiles and sent messages to them. This was extremely upsetting to me, but he is otherwise a sweet, caring, and wonderful person so I decided to look past it and give him a second chance. Knowing this history of broken trust makes this boundary violation feel even worse to me.
How would you guys feel if you were in this situation?
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A man who had a porn addiction shouldn’t be giving another woman a full body massage…. Just an opinion
Yeah sorry but that isn’t normal and it’s more than likely they have been sleeping together. Weird as fuck to tell your partner you will be late because you are giving a woman you live with a full body massage 😬
I would just end it and be done
Nah man. He tried hiding it. He knew it was wrong.
Speaking as someone who had massage lessons, I wouldn’t automatically read this as a sex thing.
If you decide to break up because he didn’t tell you, especially in the context of him sending messages on OnlyFans, that’s completely understandable. People can be incompatible, you already have a reason to not trust him.
an hour long massage with another women something more is going on! Dump him.
Advice: keep him as an EX and move on with your life. This is so inappropriate.
He was scared to bring it up because he knows it’s wrong. He’s in a committed relationship and obviously massaging another woman’s body from head to toe is unacceptable. Are you going to accept it or are you going to realize he’s a liar who won’t voluntarily be truthful unless you call him out or he slips up. This is cheating. Even if it’s platonic, it’s cheating. Again. What is it going to take?
Yes this is fucking insane, he’s trying to sleep with her if he hasn’t already
If he isn’t a massage therapist then there is no reason he should be touching her
So I’m guessing you dumped him over the phone? Because FFS no one gives a platonic friend a full body massage
Guys and girls can be just friends :/ it seems like these days too many people are forgetting that. A massage is just a massage, why the heck everyone sees it as something sexual is beyond me. You come across as controlling.
P.s yes a proper shoulder massage can last an hour.
Dude where is your self-respect?? Dump his ass, I promise you can do better.
I would feel like whirling him around in a circle over my head, and hurling him out the door and over the neighbor’s roof. what a bald-faced liar. don’t buy his shit. let him go, girl. he’s not loyal and never will be
There’s a lot going on here.
You two definitely seem incompatible and should stay broken up. At the end of the day you have different ideas of what is normal and acceptable and regardless of if he was cheating or planning on cheating or not you are hurting each other by being together. That’s the problem.
There are not a lot of things that are universally the same in monogamous relationships. What counts as over the line is highly context dependent and can be vastly different between groups. I think you are acting like this is a black and white thing when it is not.
He thought lying to you or telling you later would be ok when he knew you didn’t want him to do something. That’s the real problem.
Does he have an actual addiction or are you anti porn overall. Because the way you’ve worded this makes it sound like you may be calling it an addiction when it’s just that he had an account at all. He shouldn’t be sending other women that kind of message when together with someone who is against it. Full stop. He fucked up. But knowing if your requests are due to you having particularly conservative views around sex vs him having a problem that he wont address is important for the future. You do sound rather controlling even from your own words even though I don’t think the things you’ve presented here are unreasonable asks.
It’s ok for him to be fully honest about having this sort of relation with his roommate and it’s ok for you to not want to accept this.
However, the thing about universal, non-negotiated agreements about what partners can and cannot do – that’s a recipe for disaster. People are different and have different lifestyles and limits. You need to discuss and negotiate this and not just assume they feel the same way you do.
Ok. Do we wear clothes for massage? No? And So if it’s not such a big deal you can ask a guy friend to come rub all over your bare body? Nbd nbd im sure he won’t mind 🙄
He didn’t tell you because he knew you would mind. So he willingly tried to trick you so he could massage all over his roommates body. And if he didn’t tell you because you’re so controlling and knew you wouldn’t like it… he’s still choosing to deceive and betray your trust, rather than try to make you understand OR break up with you for being controlling because obviously your lifestyles are incompatible
Definitely gaslighting you. These massages mean more to them than he lets on, and all 4 of you know it
Yeah this is a nope for me. I would be livid especially because he tried to lie about it. Is he specially trained to give massages? If hes not this is just an excuse to touch her whole body which is beyond inappropriate. Plus he knows it’s crossing one of your boundaries. Maybe keep him as a friendly ex but I’d be done especially because he can’t stay of OnlyFans. He’s a liar and you’re right to not trust him.
Is he a massage therapist? Like is he a pro? Or is this just a BS excuse to rub on her?
You “don’t let him have close friends”?! Does he give whole body massages to the rest of his friends of all genders or