MIL called me a “hoarder” while I was away after years of boundary violations
My MIL believes if she doesn’t tell people what they’re doing wrong, they can’t “fix themselves.” We’ve had ongoing issues for years.
Background: A few years ago, she visited and spent hours criticizing me, said I don’t have boundaries with my kids (repeated 4x), told me not to get a bread box, shot down everything I said. After leaving, she texted accusing me of orchestrating my 6yo to ignore her when they arrived (we were just busy and didn’t hear the knock). My partner finally emailed setting firm boundaries: stop assuming the worst of me, stop telling us how to run our house, stop criticizing, or we’d distance ourselves.
Since then, despite boundaries: She’s accused me of faking my disabilities and “milking the system,” criticized me for helping my mom post-surgery on Thanksgiving (then going to their house the next day), complained about me having concerns about school-year trip logistics, and got upset I didn’t want to share a rental with them (SIL and her husband aren’t people I can be around long-term).
Current situation: I was away and they offered to help my partner with our kids. During the visit:
– She criticized our parenting and “lack of boundaries”
– Called our kids “awful” (partner addressed this and showed her our strategies – she was actually receptive for once, yay!)
– Later that week, sat my partner down to tell him I’m a “hoarder”
– Listed specific complaints: how many boxes of baking soda I have, how much mustard, too many toys
– FIL jumped in about home maintenance: blinds need replacing, lawn care, dog poop in yard (I’d handled much of this before leaving, not a miracle worker, can’t do it while away)
Partner shut it down and went to bed. I’m hurt and exhausted. I’m in grad school full-time, managing two special needs children, dealing with my own disabilities, and maintaining our household while partner works long hours. I cleaned every room and did yard work before leaving.
My response: I sent a text thanking them for helping but firmly addressing the boundary violation. Key points:
– We’ve repeatedly asked for no negative comments about me/our household
– They used my absence to call me a “hoarder” and list criticisms
– When our family is drowning, they critique our swimming technique instead of offering help
– Our household management isn’t up for discussion
– If they can’t support without criticism, we’ll limit contact
– We’re taking space to protect our family’s wellbeing
I know pushback is coming. Looking for outside perspectives on handling this and what to expect next. We have a family vacation in October to Disney for FIL 70th birthday and my partners godmother is turning 60 next month. We were supposed to go to both, but I think I want to have me and the kids skip them. My partner is more ok about the 60th, but thinks I should just not let them have power over me. He thinks they should be minor annoyances. But this is bullying to me. My body has stress responses around them from a decade of tiny micro aggressions. I refuse to stay silent and suppress my pain for their comfort anymore. I was made to accept mistreatment my whole life and I’m done. Im done being the bigger person. I understand the Disney trip is important to my partner and his family, but I’m so DONE. If I don’t hold them accountable, I’ll be suffering forever. Am I being reasonable? Should I stick it out for Disney and then not plan anything moving forward? Should I state expectations for us to go to Disney?
Edit: any time I try to stand firm in boundaries, they use pressure campaigns and emotional manipulation to try and convince my partner that I’m unreasonable and pressure me to bend to acquiescing Because family is special or whatever 🙄
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They are bullies. Your husband is having difficulty dealing with them.
Don’t go to either event.
Hard to imagine enjoying a huge amusement park where you need to carefully manage two kids with needs while you are taking incoming fire nonstop. Waiting in line while talking to the people you’re with is about 60% of what you do.
Are they paying for the trip? I get wanting to take advantage of a great opportunity you might not get otherwise, but I bet they’ll hold it over you.
If you’re paying for yourselves, I would have my money and go another time without them.
Not a solution for everything, but some thoughts.
Your partner doesn’t get that skipping those trips is not letting them have power. You’re taking their special days and not letting them pretend that everything is fine. You’re not letting them use the kids for their photo shoots. It’s the very definition of taking their power from them, because you aren’t just sitting there, taking their abuse, and then jumping the next time they command it. It forces them to face the fact that they screwed up and that they’re now facing consequences for their actions. Frankly, your partner should be skipping the events in solidarity with you, but if all you get is acceptance, take it.
You’ve set boundaries, but where are the consequences? Enact some! Skip the events, state that their constant criticism is the reason, do something else fun. Give it a month, allow a visit and see if they improve. If they don’t, get more space.
DH needs to start recognizing his parents are a BIG problem. He lives in that home. He raises the same kids. He eats the same food. He’s just as responsible for the home. But his parents are complaining about you.
Remember that if she can dish it out, then she should be able to take it. Sit her down and tell her some of her faults and ask how she is going to fix them. (save some for next time)
If they can’t stop finding fault in how you manage your home, they don’t need to come. BTW, why are you the only one responsible for all of this? Your husband is also a grown up.
I mean, everything they’re saying is a criticism of your husband too. Why is it only ‘on you’ for how much dog poop there is in the yard (especially while you’re away) or how much mustard you have? Do they not see him as capable to manage groceries or yard care?
I wouldn’t want people around my kids who call them awful. That is toxic.
You have set boundaries but are consequences being followed through on?
I read that you’re both neurodivergent and that on top of this bullshit is why I’m commenting. Because honestly your husband doesn’t get how hard criticism and rejection is for neurodivergent folks. Not sure of your flavour so to speak but as an autistic adhd-er I deal with rejection sensitivity dysphoria on the regular. As kids we get a lot of corrections and overtime you either go numb or go hypersensitive. It’s like a permanent stingy sunburn and people poking it every day.
Your husband needs to understand that they criticism is PAIN, not annoyance to you. He might be used to it but that doesn’t mean you or your kids should. I would focus my attention on him and get him on track before you start any real conflict with your in laws (because let’s face it this is the normal level for them, they do whatever they want, you protest, they ignore and call you sensitive, repeat). If you want to truely change their behaviour you need your husband with you 100% or you’ll be fighting a battle on two fronts and losing badly.
Because if you take a strong stance you’ll probably alienate your husband and then the in laws can swoop in with emotional bombardment and none of you win. If you don’t have his support then it’s gonna be impossible.
So what I would recomend is to educate him first, there’s a lot of resources online and you could find the form that will resonate with him, whether it’s podcasts, videos or books there is no shortage on ”boundary stomping and critical parent problems” content.
I get that your relationship independent of his parents might be awesome all the way, but with the way he lets them win it’s going to only get harder to deal with. Because frankly the only way for them to actually stop is hard consequences as well as consistancy and you can’t enact any of it without support from him.
Take care, take no shit
Skip everything. You’re done, so be done. Your partner doesn’t get to tell you how to deal with them or how you should feel.
He thinks he’s not affected by their criticisms and they are just minor annoyances, but he’s in deep denial.
He’s not okay dealing with their complaints, but he’s perfectly fine letting you deal with them. He pressures you so he doesn’t have to deal with their complaints, but really he should be telling his family those topics are off limits and if they continue he needs to hang up or leave.
Tell him you’re done and he needs to figure out how to deal with them and/or he can decide to stop letting them manipulate him. Tell him to remove you from the equation of how he deals with his parents.
At first it sounded like your husband protected you and your kids but no. Why can’t men stand firm against their mothers. They start out great then wilt. I would skip all the trips.
My Dear OP, there is so much, SO MUCH that requires addressing that I’m not exactly certain where to begin! With DH’s lackluster support, and consistent misunderstanding and minimizing of the continual barrage of
Attacks which cross every boundary of decency and common courtesy? Or should I simply begin with the fact that you have been enduring the abuse from this untenable pack of ill-mannered hooligans for far too many years, at the cost of your Physical, Emotional and Mental Health, while your DH has stomped his feet and raised a mean eyebrow and Mum and Dad, but has NOT done an Actual, Meaningful thing to put a Kabosh on their bad behavior.
MIL and FIL natter on about Boundaries, which seems to be a word they have recently learned, and have decided to toss about as uncomprehendingly as an infant who has just heard the word ‘Shit’. It’s grand fun to repeat ‘Shit’, because people get all flustered! Does that infant understand it is a ‘bad’ word? No, of course not, it’s said for effect only. This is what MIL and FIL seem to be doing…weaponizing a word they truly don’t comprehend. However it’s one they have heard, from you perhaps, and it has Power.
The Power doesn’t come from the Boundary, but from the Enforcement. This is where DH has fallen apart. It does Absolutely No Good to tell MIL and FIL to stop being hateful sods, and then ignore the next shite statement that spews out of their vile mouths! Where are the Consequences, for Christs Sake? These are HIS Parents!! THIS IS HIS FAMILY!!!
There is SO MUCH OUTRAGE to be felt when I consider the Intense and Total, Willful Ignorance it takes for ANY OSTENSIBLE ADULT To have the Sheer Audacity to Question your Disability!!! Milking WHAT System?? Do they have ANY comprehension of the Social Security Disability System? Or the Difficulty of getting Deemed Disabled? Or the Fucking FACT that Every Single Disabled Person would rather be Healthy and Whole, myself included?? What kind of narrow-minded asinine world do they live in?? And WHY ARE THEY STILL IN YOURS, I am Asking Your DH??
Dear OP, these are truly ignorant, hateful people who live for the feeling of superiority. They have no interest in building a loving, caring relationship with you and your family, one that is based on Respect and Trust. How do I say this with such certainty? Because people who are capable of treating you with so much spite, so much disrespect and disregard for as long as they have? These ones have no intention of changing. Ever. They will simply keep attacking, eroding your sense of self, your sense of safety, your feeling of security in your relationship, until you cannot find yourself any longer.
Nothing is worth this abuse. Not Disney, that’s for Damn Certain. DH needs to clean his spectacles and clear out his ears, and LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE SAYING! Nobody, Ever Should Have To Endure The Abusive Bullshit This Family Has Put You Thru. Nobody, OP. This Means You, My Dear! You Deserve To Be Treated with Care, Consideration, Compassion, Empathy, Respect and Love by Every Person in Your World! Never anything less!!!
Skip everything. Make your partner realise you are serious too. He can go, you don’t need to put up with any more crap