For context, I’m a teenager not even close to turning 18, and I’m an only child. I live with both parents. My dad is a drunken gambler who gets drunk for weeks and only stops when he’s really sick.
Since the end of last year, my mother started drinking with him sometimes, when she didn’t before. She usually excuses herself by saying “she does it once a year,” when that’s not the case. Sometimes she drinks a week or two apart, and she does it for two or three days in a row, without worrying about me. She also only stops when her stomach hurts badly because she had a serious stomach ache and had surgery a few years ago, and she’s still suffering from the aftereffects.
She also often says that she leaves me alone when she’s drinking, so I shouldn’t complain. Yes, while she’s drinking, she can be calm, but the problem is her hangover: she screams, cries in pain, swears (at me or at nothing), is dizzy, and can’t do anything, lying in bed all day. So much so that once she came into my room and told me she hated me, and I never knew why. It stresses me out and makes me angry to put up with all of that.
I once started crying because she said she wouldn’t drink and I caught her doing it, and she accused me of manipulating her, that she was a grown woman and that I couldn’t make demands or ask for anything from her. Am I manipulative? Am I asking too much? What do you think?
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For context, I’m a teenager not even close to turning 18, and I’m an only child. I live with both parents. My dad is a drunken gambler who gets drunk for weeks and only stops when he’s really sick.
Since the end of last year, my mother started drinking with him sometimes, when she didn’t before. She usually excuses herself by saying “she does it once a year,” when that’s not the case. Sometimes she drinks a week or two apart, and she does it for two or three days in a row, without worrying about me. She also only stops when her stomach hurts badly because she had a serious stomach ache and had surgery a few years ago, and she’s still suffering from the aftereffects.
She also often says that she leaves me alone when she’s drinking, so I shouldn’t complain. Yes, while she’s drinking, she can be calm, but the problem is her hangover: she screams, cries in pain, swears (at me or at nothing), is dizzy, and can’t do anything, lying in bed all day. So much so that once she came into my room and told me she hated me, and I never knew why. It stresses me out and makes me angry to put up with all of that.
I once started crying because she said she wouldn’t drink and I caught her doing it, and she accused me of manipulating her, that she was a grown woman and that I couldn’t make demands or ask for anything from her. Am I manipulative? Am I asking too much? What do you think?
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NTA. You deserve sober parents. I am so sorry that is not the case. It’s not manipulative to ask for that bare minimum from your parents. Alcoholics will say anything to justify their drinking.
Keep busy with schoolwork and extracurricular activities and don’t follow their poor choices. It will take a strong will in the next few years to avoid their pitfalls, but you will be able to make a better life for yourself if you stay sensible.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I started crying over someone’s actions, and that person accused me of manipulating them. This could make me an asshole because I could be a manipulator without knowing it, and I want to see other people’s perspectives.
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Your NTA, your being treated badly by her when she drinks and it sounds like both your parents need serious help. At 18 save as much as you can and get out of there
If yr in the US and a minor, CPS can move you into a different home.
NTA – but if things are getting bad at home, do you have someone you can talk to – other relatives, a school counselor or teacher?
Nobody deserves to live with an alcoholic, and if your mother and father can’t see that, maybe they need some help from other adults to address their problem. You are not manipulative or wrong for asking them to behave like parents and put caring for you above their drinking …
But alcohol and other addictions fool adults into thinking that their right to their addiction is somehow the most important thing in the world. Please, reach out to any trusted adults in your life and let them know what’s going on. Your parents likely need help to be able to help themselves, and you.
This is abuse and neglect
NTA, your parents sound horrible. Both selfish and sounds like your mother is being the manipulative one here, by trying to guilt trip you! I’m sorry you have to go through this op. Do you have any other family members you can reach out to? Any of them willing to take you in?
Whoa kid, I’m sorry. Coming from someone who’s struggled with alcohol and have let it get in the way of the dad I was before it: this had me tear up. You are in no way to blame for wanting her to be a better version of herself and it’s the right thing to want. There could be family activities (mostly church in the south) to help keep her attention elsewhere. We all love you too op, please don’t give up on her but take care of yourself too
Do you have a trusted relative you can go to about this? Both of your parents are out of control and need help. You need a safe place to live. There needs to be an intervention.
Do you have other family you can live with, like a grandparent who needs some help because they’re older?
You’re coming to grips with the fact that for your immediate future, you’ll be raising yourself instead of relying on them. For most people that feeling comes waaay later, and now you have to do it too young. But you’re a teenager so you can do this, it’s not fair, but you can survive this. Learn to appreciate the roof over your head, and I don’t mean that you appreciate THEM, I mean appreciate that you haven’t yet had to move out, and you can get jobs, an education, whatever your direction, and then as soon as you turn 18 you can get your own place. By appreciate I really mean, “take advantage of.” It’s a lot and overwhelming, find any adult who likes you and has your best interest at heart and be near them, like, physically just be near them as much as possible, and then plan your escape. I know this sounds overwhelming, but you’ve survived this long so take advantage of the time you still have to set yourself up until you’re 18, then REALLY set yourself up. It’s not fair and it’s not okay but if you have a vision for your future that will help motivate you through this. Avoid drug addicted men who show you affection.
NTA You’re not manipulative. Your parents have some serious problems. They are both alcoholics. They might be mentally ill as well. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. You deserve better.
She is a grown adult. She is responsible for her own drinking. If you can, try to get to AlAnon meeting. They’re a support group for people who are affected by others’ drinking (they don’t necessarily have to be alcoholics). There is a subreddit, r/alanon, that might help. They also have virtual meetings, so if you don’t have any near you or any way to get there, you can join online.
NTA sounds like your mother is trying to guilt trip you for a perfectly normal and human reaction. You deserve to have parents who care for you full time without drugs involved other than healthily in their downtime which this isn’t. If you have other family you can move in with and prepare for your future the best you can in your circumstances with saving whatever money you can and doing well in school. You do not deserve this and I hope your mother sees how much this damages you maybe in a note or having a sit down conversation when she’s sober if she is usually reasonable
NTA
If you’re in the US please call CPS. Or your country’s equivalent. This is not a situation you should be in.
Oh god NTA.
Your parents are both alcoholics. You telling your mom how you feel when she treats you poorly as a result of drinking is basic communication. It is not “manipulation.”
You can explain to your mom that manipulation is when you trick someone into behaving differently for your own gain. What exactly does she think you are trying to gain by pointing out her alcoholism? A sober mother? She denies that it’s a problem so if it’s not you would have nothing to gain from her not drinking.
You shouldn’t have to explain this to her and you certainly shouldn’t need to second-guess yourself, but the mental gymnastics you’d have to do to make her argument work here holds no water.