Writing for my mom but from my perspective, her son (23M).
Background: I’ve had 2 step-siblings for about 4 years now, John (18M) and Jane (20F). Fake names for obvious reasons. John just graduated high school and is entering college this fall, while Jane did not finish her first semester of college and is currently staying home unemployed. I graduated uni last year, and I’m back at home for a bit working 2 jobs to save up some money (and yes I pay rent, though less than I did during uni). My mom is going through a pretty stressful time in life right now, becoming a partial owner of a company while also dealing with some medical issues of both her and my stepdad.
The Drama Ensues: This morning before getting ready to go to work, Jane comes downstairs and we have a bit of small talk. Out of nowhere she asks, “Why does mom treat you differently than John and I?”. Taken aback I ask, “How so?”. She then goes on about how my mom gets on them about doing chores and is unhappy with some of John’s financial decisions. She also mentioned she feels as if my mom is pressuring her to move out. I also think they are unhappy with the 10pm Wi-Fi cutoff that’s instilled on their devices, even though that wasn’t brought up. In comparison, because I pay rent, these chores and the Wi-Fi cutoff do not apply to me; I think she was trying to make the argument that this was unfair and they are being treated more like kids than adults.
My mom has high expectations, and it’s clear she doesn’t mix well with my step siblings. I also think that the tension between them is exacerbated, as most days they are all home together. I truly feel like my mom wants the best for them, and is maybe pushing them beyond what any parent or guardian has done for them in the past. But I do agree with her stance: if you want to stay home, you gotta stay busy. We grew up in the house where you feared that garage door opening when you didn’t finish the chores in time.
This wasn’t much of an issue when they were both in high school, but they are both legal adults now and my mom’s patience running thin has caused her to possibly double down. John assured us that he would get a job this summer…low and behold, school starts in less than a month and he’s given up. Jane has been applying for almost a year now, lasting a couple weeks at a couple jobs but nothing stable. As of now, she is THE definition of a home-body. Albeit I know jobs are incredibly difficult to get sometimes, so I will somewhat defend them. But no hobbies, online friends, and no motivation seem to keep them from getting out of the house. This creates a tense environment: my step siblings want to be treated more like adults yet my mom wants them to start acting like ones. So, there’s obviously a disconnect here and we need to have a family discussion about how everyone feels.
I do agree that I am being treated differently, but it’s not as severe as I think Jane is portraying it. So, is my mom the asshole for treating them differently?
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Writing for my mom but from my perspective, her son (23M).
Background: I’ve had 2 step-siblings for about 4 years now, John (18M) and Jane (20F). Fake names for obvious reasons. John just graduated high school and is entering college this fall, while Jane did not finish her first semester of college and is currently staying home unemployed. I graduated uni last year, and I’m back at home for a bit working 2 jobs to save up some money (and yes I pay rent, though less than I did during uni). My mom is going through a pretty stressful time in life right now, becoming a partial owner of a company while also dealing with some medical issues of both her and my stepdad.
The Drama Ensues: This morning before getting ready to go to work, Jane comes downstairs and we have a bit of small talk. Out of nowhere she asks, “Why does mom treat you differently than John and I?”. Taken aback I ask, “How so?”. She then goes on about how my mom gets on them about doing chores and is unhappy with some of John’s financial decisions. She also mentioned she feels as if my mom is pressuring her to move out. I also think they are unhappy with the 10pm Wi-Fi cutoff that’s instilled on their devices, even though that wasn’t brought up. In comparison, because I pay rent, these chores and the Wi-Fi cutoff do not apply to me; I think she was trying to make the argument that this was unfair and they are being treated more like kids than adults.
My mom has high expectations, and it’s clear she doesn’t mix well with my step siblings. I also think that the tension between them is exacerbated, as most days they are all home together. I truly feel like my mom wants the best for them, and is maybe pushing them beyond what any parent or guardian has done for them in the past. But I do agree with her stance: if you want to stay home, you gotta stay busy. We grew up in the house where you feared that garage door opening when you didn’t finish the chores in time.
This wasn’t much of an issue when they were both in high school, but they are both legal adults now and my mom’s patience running thin has caused her to possibly double down. John assured us that he would get a job this summer…low and behold, school starts in less than a month and he’s given up. Jane has been applying for almost a year now, lasting a couple weeks at a couple jobs but nothing stable. As of now, she is THE definition of a home-body. Albeit I know jobs are incredibly difficult to get sometimes, so I will somewhat defend them. But no hobbies, online friends, and no motivation seem to keep them from getting out of the house. This creates a tense environment: my step siblings want to be treated more like adults yet my mom wants them to start acting like ones. So, there’s obviously a disconnect here and we need to have a family discussion about how everyone feels.
I do agree that I am being treated differently, but it’s not as severe as I think Jane is portraying it. So, is my mom the asshole for treating them differently?
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NTA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m writing this post on my mom’s behalf. She treats my step siblings differently than I do, which has upset my step sister as she feels it is unfair. People may see this as some sort of favoritism towards me, her real son, or just a general dislike of my step siblings. While I don’t necessarily think she’s an asshole, I know she can be hard on the kids and has high expectations.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA They want to be treated like adults they need to act like adults. Personally I think everyone should have shared household responsibilities because everyone lives there, however this isn’t my house or anything. If they aren’t contributing financially then contributing to household maintenance is the BARE minimum.
The answer is very simple, if they don’t like living in your (collective) mother’s house they can move out.
NTA. Paying rent and working two jobs means you’re a tenant, not a freeloader. They’re living like teenagers and expecting adult treatment.
Nta. This doesn’t even sound like bio vs step thing, I think the 10 pm cutoff is a little much unless it’s because of noise during typical sleeping hours. Are you also doing house chores while also paying rent and working 2 jobs, because that’s a lot for one person
A wifi curfew for grown adults is weird and controlling.
I think everyone in the household should contribute to chores, but it’s fair that the two step siblings do more if they’re not working and contributing in other ways.
INFO: Where is your step-dad in all this? Has he left the parenting to your mom?
It’s pretty clear that your mom doesn’t like or respect either of her stepchildren.
Expecting John to pay rent is ridiculous. He just graduated.
“John assured US that he would get a job this summer.” Interesting choice of words.
OP you need to mind YOUR own business.
NTA she is treating you differently because you behave differently. You are contributing to the household, with chores and financially, and saving money for yourself for the school year. Meanwhile neither of them are doing anything productive.
NTA Your mom needs to address her husband problem. Their dad should be parenting his own adult children, then they wouldn’t be trying to blame this on her being some sort of fairytale step-mother.
If they ask again about you getting different treatment remind them that you are employed and pay rent, hence the different treatment.
NTA. If they want to be treated equally, your step siblings need to step up. If they are going to act like children and not take on any responsibilities, then they shouldn’t expect the same privileges. It’s going to be like that at uni and in a job. Your mom would be enabling them if she treated them the same. Also, where’s their dad in all this and why hasn’t he parented them?
NTA. You’re adulting and being treated as such. I’d give John a little grace because he is only 18 and fresh out of high school. I think your family could benefit from a family meeting. Everyone sits down to discuss their future plans, what you’re doing to better yourselves so you can move out, and your time-frames. Then let the parents give input and set out their expectations.
NTA.
Where the hell is their dad?
NTA. If you can’t pay rent in money, you pay in labor. She is living there for free and you are working two jobs, is that fair? No, but it’s the situation. If she wants you to stop having to do chores, she needs to woman up and keep a job; even if she hates it. That’s adult life. Maybe if they showed some initiative on being productive members of society, your mom wouldn’t have to nag them to do basic adulting tasks.
NTA
Someone paying rent and carrying their weight can’t be compared to adult freeloaders. If you were not contributing, as they are, and we’re being treated differently they’d have a point to argue, but no.