I f23 have cooked almost all the food for every family get-together hosted by my parents or siblings in the last 5 years. I have chosen to do this because I love to cook and bake. Since I’ve been doing it for so long, it has turned into an expectation. I’ve never had a problem with this because, as I said, I do love to cook.
Here is the problem: in the past year, 3 serious food allergies have popped up in our family. A dairy allergy, a citrus allergy, and a nut allergy, on top of an existing gluten allergy. All of this makes it hard to cook and bake for a family get-together. And something I usually love doing feels like a stressful chore. So I told my family I will no longer be doing all of the cooking and baking for the family get-togethers.
No one else in my family is good at cooking. And the one time they tried after I said I won’t be doing it anymore, the food was horrible, and no one had a particularly good time. This makes me feel guilty. I worked as a chef while in school and am the only person with experience making allergy-friendly food, and by stopping, I’ve made it nearly impossible for the family to have any get-togethers with food where everyone can safely eat.
So AITA for refusing to cook for family get-togethers anymore, and taking away that part of our get-togethers?
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I f23 have cooked almost all the food for every family get-together hosted by my parents or siblings in the last 5 years. I have chosen to do this because I love to cook and bake. Since I’ve been doing it for so long, it has turned into an expectation. I’ve never had a problem with this because, as I said, I do love to cook.
Here is the problem: in the past year, 3 serious food allergies have popped up in our family. A dairy allergy, a citrus allergy, and a nut allergy, on top of an existing gluten allergy. All of this makes it hard to cook and bake for a family get-together. And something I usually love doing feels like a stressful chore. So I told my family I will no longer be doing all of the cooking and baking for the family get-togethers.
No one else in my family is good at cooking. And the one time they tried after I said I won’t be doing it anymore, the food was horrible, and no one had a particularly good time. This makes me feel guilty. I worked as a chef while in school and am the only person with experience making allergy-friendly food, and by stopping, I’ve made it nearly impossible for the family to have any get-togethers with food where everyone can safely eat.
So AITA for refusing to cook for family get-togethers anymore, and taking away that part of our get-togethers?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I’m the asshole because now everyone can’t safely eat at family functions and the food part of our get togethers are canceled
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA for not wanting to cook. It’s a volunteer position that you are no longer volunteering to hold. There’s nothing wrong with that.
It sounds like you and your family need to have a talk about how to improve those get togethers without requiring you to cook for them. You are not OBLIGATED to be the family chef, but it sounds like you’re not enjoying the get togethers where you DON’T cook, either. Can you hold cooking classes for your family, so that everyone learns how to cook those foods together? Can your family plan get togethers that don’t involve food? Get takeaway? Maybe just brainstorm options other than you exhausting yourself cooking for every single get together.
NTA
OP, im not sure what is worse here, the physical or mental load of doing these dinners.
but if its mental, can you offload that to your family? Ask them to research and create menu ideas that can accommodate all these allergies
What about cooking one dish, potluck style, and maybe using your expertise as a chef to send recipes or make suggestions to others? I’m sure they have appreciated your cooking and expertise, maybe it feels like being taken advantage of, but my experience is families operate like an ecosystem, everyone with a niche. It’s like, obviously you dont have to, but I think, potluck is the solution and maybe you share your love for your family by providing them recipe ideas for the potluck? I kinda feel like this is a NAH or ESH situation.
NTA. Cooking for them was a gift, not an obligation. There are many other ways that this could be handled, including (gasp) possibly going to a restaurant for the big meal.
NTA though I do wonder if doing a take out night where folks order their own food or bring food from home wouldn’t be a nice way to hang out instead. Don’t all have to eat the same thing.
You need a sous chef.
NTA. There’s a reason why food service industry services cost money and cooks get a paycheck, it’s labour!
Instead of feeling guilty start suggesting that your family gettogethers get catered for – get everyone to nominate a local restaurant that they enjoy and can accommodate the restrictions, figure out what everyone is comfortable paying per person and order the food, it’s so much less stress.
If anyone kicks up a fuss just say that if you have to go back to being the caterer for the family you would probably charge as much or more money than getting food delivered.
NTA. Always being responsible for the cooking is tiring, whether or not you are a chef. And likely more so if that’s what you do for a living.
Maybe you can work something out so you are only cooking a few things and let others handle the other dishes? Like a pot luck but you make the allergen-free main dishes?
NTA. You can get together without eating, or you can get the makings for sandwiches (include gluten free bread) and let everyone else bring sides they can eat.
It’s not fair to make you responsible for all the family get-together cooking, especially when there are allergy restrictions, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for not shouldering all the work.
Being with family isn’t about the food, and if they’re not having a good time because they’re not eating, then they weren’t there for the family bit in the first place.
NTA. It was very generous of you to cook and bake when you did, but at no point should it have been expected that you shoulder that forever. The important part of family get-togethers is supposed to be family getting to see each other and keep in contact. Food, while appreciated, should always be secondary. Potlucks may be the best bet going forward, or food-free activities such as a day at the park or a small get together at a coffee place.
NTA. Catering is the solution your family needs.
NAH – it would be unfair in any situation to expect someone to make all the food anyway. BYOB has been a thing for decades, and everyone in your family is going to have to learn how to cook something edible sooner or later anyway, so it’s not unreasonable to say “hey, I’ll bring a dish or two but if you have any dietary restrictions you should bring something that you at least can eat.”
Why can’t they buy a dish each? I am also curious what these people eat on a daily basis. Do they just eat every meal out? I have a hard time believing that with all the resources, videos, recipes out there that each person cannot come up with a couple of decent tasting options. I think they all just got comfortable with you doing it all. NTA
Is it the actual cooking or the work of putting together a menu that works for everyone that’s stressful? If you didn’t mind the cooking/baking, maybe put the work of the menu on all of them. Every dish they come up with has to satisfy all the requirements.
NTA
Do these people not cook in their day to day life? Each person with an allergy should cook one dish that is safe for them and share it with all. Everyone else can bring something to fill out the menu. If OP is generous she could HELP plan a menu and share recipes. There is no reason everyone can’t come up with one or two acceptable dishes, even if they aren’t professional chef level. It sounds like they purposely brought lackluster food so they could claim they couldn’t cook.
NTA. I love to host but when a particular picky family member comes, I do take out or potluck style.
People with serious allergies have (hopefully) learned to plan ahead. Is everyone expected to eat gluten, citrus and dairy free?
Just prepare dishes that those with allergies can eat. I’m kind of hoping you still have get-togethers in the future.
They said the food was horrible? That’s absurd. You’re supposed to think your Food is delicious. And trust me it is.
I seriously doubt you burnt the whole turkey as a Chef.
Do what you want your family still loves you.
NTA
Meals are served picnic style. Everyone brings their own food, no sharing because of allergies. If children are involved make sure no one shares food and explain it to the children as protecting allergic individuals . Otherwise just serve punch and vegetables no dip!
They don’t have to cook, each family can bring their choice of takeout.
NTA. But if you love cooking and it’s become a chore, ask them for suggestions on what to make that would be allergy friendly. Make it a family activity? Maybe?
NTA
Have family events catered, or at least partially catered. Everyone can chip in to pay for it, and you can still prepare a few dishes to go along with the catering.
Pot luck, the end.
NTA but i don’t understand why this is a problem. You don’t need to be a chef to grill a burger or make pasta and everyone can bring one dish.
How do they survive every other day of the year?
If everyone in the family is so incompetent that they can’t flip a burger or boil water to make pasta. then they don’t really deserve to eat.
Potluck style every time. Every one gets something to eat
Dairy, citrus, nuts, and gluten for one meal isn’t too difficult. However I say that as someone who loves to cook and bake who has multiple food allergies lol.
That being said, you have no obligation to be the family chef. If others can’t cook or bake, they can bring a dish from a restaurant that meets their dietary needs and it can become a potluck.
I definitely dont think YTA for expressing that you dont want to do a huge favour for everyone anymore… regardless of the allergies or not
Jesus this is 2025. They can order pizza wings fried chicken party subs. This is not that hard of a problem, they’re just trying to get you into cooking for them again.
NTA
Besides not wanting to, there is the very real possibility of being blames for a potential allergic reaction.
Girl, they were fine before you cooked for them and they’ll be fine when you stop. Collect your dignity and pick another hobby which makes you happy and doesn’t depend upon the approval of others. You’ve got this. Keep us updated, ok?
NTAH. You can still have family get together, but everyone can bring their own meal. Don’t stress yourself about it. It seems like that would be fair.
Sounds like each person needs to make their own food based on what they can eat and bring it to eat, potluck style