I (late 20s, F) met my ex when I was in college. I was finishing up my bachelor’s degree and he was working on his master’s. I got pregnant right before he graduated. At the time, we were in a relationship and had discussed him staying nearby to be close to the baby. But after he graduated, he moved away.
He wasn’t involved during the pregnancy and only started showing interest once our child was born. Even then, he was inconsistent, living far away, enjoying the party life, and only reaching out on his own terms. When I made it clear that he couldn’t just float in and out or have access to me without real involvement in our child’s life, he didn’t like that. So instead of working with me as co-parents, he took me to court. It took two years just to finalize a custody and visitation agreement.
Now he has visitation rights, but here’s the thing: he expects me to pack a bag with everything — clothes, toys, shoes, diapers you name it — every single time she goes to visit. And I have a problem with that.
He recently had another child, and he lives full-time with that child. That child has a home with him — their own clothes, food, shoes, toys, — everything. Meanwhile, my child is expected to show up like a guest in their father’s house. I feel like if he’s going to be a present parent, he should be creating a space for her that feels like home, too. Not a sleepover.
Shes still little, and I want her to feel like she belongs wherever she is, not like a visitor carrying a suitcase. I also don’t think it’s fair that I’m expected to constantly send her with everything when I barely receive child support from him. Why is it solely on me to provide for her even when she’s in his care? Sometimes I wonder if he just wants me to pack stuff so he can see what I’m buying her. I have taken the time to pack clothes once and he returned it untouched. He did not use it. It was almost like it was just to piss me off.
So, AITA for sending her with only the essentials (like herself and maybe one comfort item) and refusing to pack everything else every time she visits her dad?
Comments
YTA. Pack the bag for your kid because it’s in her best interest and so that you know she has everything she needs. You’re gonna trust her noncommittal, inconsistent father to have the things she needs?
Yeah sure, punish the child to get back at the ex. That’s definitely a healthy, positive attitude to have and won’t cause resentment at all.
Seems like you’re possibly, bitter and or jealous about him having another child. It does no good dwelling on comparing how he treats each child. Also, him not paying CS is a bummer but your child will eventually have their own opinion about their dad, and figure his character out.
I would buy inexpensive clothing and items that are just for dad’s house. I can see your point of view. But your child’s physical needs should come first, her emotional needs can be met in different ways. He does also need to make sure he has the items needed for his daughter but unfortunately you can’t force him into that.
NTA this is a matter to be taken up with the courts though. My ex was the same way. I had to pack for my kiddos until my dumbass ex tried to take me to court for a modification. He didn’t get a change in custody, (I maintained full with him having visitation). He had to provide everything they would need during their visit, I sent them with a change of clothes to come home in.
You didn’t say how often he has her. I’m assuming your just talking about clothes and not diapers and booster seats. If he sees her often, she should have clothes there. If not, don’t take the risk of her having ill fitting or no clothes. This will change as she gets older and wants her stuff.
I would say he should have clothes for her and diapers etc . If she has a special blanket or teddy thrn pack that . When my kids got older then too think from
My house as their mom would buy them clothes for school etc. also if you do send her clothes he has better have them washed when she comes back . How
Much support do you get ? Also
Look in your agreement and see if it mentions clothes at each house and extraordinary items such as dance class or hockey or gymnastics
He needs to own everything she needs. If he can’t provide during her visits he should have any.
NTA
Since there is another child in your ex’s home, it wouldn’t shock me if your daughter starts coming home with less than she went with. He should be providing for his daughter as much as you are.
NTA.
Stop doing it.
Make him take you to court.
That will work out well.
Good luck.
If he has a level of custody then he needs to make sure he has the items required to care for his child. It is not on you to supply everything. Your child she be able to go to his place and have access to what she needs.
This is a matter for the courts to reiterate to him.
NTA, but it’s a tough situation because a small child might not understand. The father may be putting blame on you for the situation telling the child things like “It’s because your mommy didn’t pack it for you.”
But you should not have to pack anything other than maybe a special item (as you mentioned). The child should not be treated nor feel like a guest at a parent’s home.
NTA for how you feel I completely understand my youngest is turning 18 and his dad was an ass. Expecting me to provide everything for my son when he took him, never paid child support until he was 14 and that’s only because the new girl he started dating didn’t understand why he didn’t have his son. He made it out to be that it was all because of me I wouldn’t let him see him when the truth was I never stopped him, but I didn’t like the inconsistencies of in and out in his life promising to show up and pick him up for a weekend, my son sitting at the door everything all packed in his little suitcase, ready to go, and then he doesn’t show up doesn’t answer his phone. Seeing my son with that look on his face would bring the mama bear right out in me. I’m also the one who had to deal with my son‘s anger and disappointment every time his father let him down. The only reason he has a relationship with his son today is because of his new girlfriend and I like her we don’t always get along, but she made him finally step up and be a dad and she’s very good to my son and that’s all I can ask for.
The problem you will start running into is not getting those clothes back too. Or by the time you do, they don’t fit.
NTA he should want to have her own things there waiting on her.
NTA
NTA. I’m sorry you have to carry the physical. emotional and intellectual labor to facilitate your daughter’s relationship with her father…
NTA as a parent he should have all the necessities the child needs.
Nta
NTA.
He’s doing the literal bare minimum expected of him from court. He has custody so she should have everything there for when she stays. You should not be packing a bag every visit for her.
I remember whenever my mother and step-dad got together there was a short time that my sisters stayed on different couches when they visited. I believe we moved a year later, and bunk beds were obtained. Whenever they visited every other weekend, we shared a bedroom. Once that happened they started being given more of their own things to stay…… I also think my mom was SICK of their stuff coming over stinking of cat urine that she didn’t want their stuff coming over.
My godson is an only child and as a preteen he has ALWAYS had to have his own bedroom even if he only visits 2 days a week. That also means that he has clothing and the like in that room for him.
Like its one thing if you dont because kids can go through some SUDDEN growth spurts. Its another if you just never do.
Unfortunately if he was already a bare minimum father expect to get even less now that he has another child to feed. I hear too often of the other baby momma getting an attitude and having the nerve to call the older kids mom talking about needing her to lower the CS cuz he has another kid. Then let’s go to court buddy and see what a judge says.
Both of you. Stop it. It’s just clothes.
Damn, what did the kid do to be punished?
Document everything, tell the court.
If you aren’t using a monitored court-appointed app, start doing so and ONLY use that app so they can see these exchanges for themselves.
Hold your ground. Fancy master’s guy can afford a change of clothing and shoes ffs, what an absolute fucking deadbeat.
Can you get full custody? He clearly does not care about your child. He just doesn’t want to look like some ahole child abandoner (which he is). Don’t listen to his words, watch his actions. NTA
Generally speaking, it is expected that whenever the child is with either parent, that parent is responsible for providing everything the child requires while with that parent. That means, he is responsible for buying whatever she needs outside of the clothes on her back. You are not, in any fashion, responsible for providing anything during his custody time. NTA
YTA. It’s customary to pack a bag for your children. Grow up.
Info: how often do these visits occur? If it’s on a regular basis, your perspectives makes sense. If it’s more like a couple times a year, then yeah she should just pack a bag
NTA. Take him back to court and get more child support. He isn’t providing for her when she visits him.
How often does she visit?
Do you have sole custody?
Is this the hill you want to die on?
My son visits his dad once a month. I know he has things there, but I ALWAYS pack a bag anyways. I want to make sure my son has what he needs no matter where he goes, and I’m not going to put that on the line to make a point to my ex. To me, it’s not a big deal. Typically, some things are sent back worn, some still folded and clean. I would also add, I receive significantly less than you in child support so… yeah.
My advice? Pick your battles and dont allow feelings towards your ex to make things harder than they need to be.
I always had to pack clothes to go visit my mom. We had a bedroom but nothing but bedding provided. But she often didn’t even have food in the house and fed us nothing but fast food.
So while I get where you are coming from, this isn’t hurting your ex.
It’s only hurting your daughter.
I understand that you want him to give your daughter stuff so she will feel at home in his house, but instead she is just going to feel like an outsider with no things.
Oh heck no. You don’t wife for him. He is responsible for her items while she is there.
Ok. This is not a matter of opinion. This is a matter of law.
You need to find out what your local district courts have to say about this.
As a for instance, on the east coast of Florida, in the 18th Judicial Circuit – the majority time share parent is expected to provide an overnight bag, as a default. Not that they evenly or fairly enforce such rules – it really is who you know or which judge is presiding – unfair AF, but there’s a rule about it.
So, go look at your local circuit court, call and make an appointment at the courthouse with the pro se coordinator or family court clerk to ask questions about where to find the information, as they cannot give you legal advice or counsel you.
NTA, because I’d be hot about it too, but know your rights, not your opinion.
NTA – it’s the parent responsibility to have those things when the child is in their custody. The ta the same for child care. If it’s his days then he needs to figure it out
The child is who matters. Please don’t set her up to be even more uncomfortable to prove a point. Document everything, inform the judge of the situation, but for her sake, make sure she has what she needs.
….NTA, sounds like my ex…a total loser sperm donor.
NTA. He’s a sh!tty parent playing favorites. It’s pretty much the same story with my ex. Didn’t pay child support and expected me to provide everything for his visitation, even down to transportation to and from. Yes, we live 1500 miles from each other, and he demanded I pay both ways and give money for food for the boys. Since I refused, he blamed me for never seeing them. They’re 29 and 24 now.
I stopped packing my kid’s bag when the clothing, shoes, toys, ect started not coming back or when they did, were damaged. It took me seeing his clothes on marketplace (the stepmom was selling them) and 2 trashed RC cars for me to wake up.
NTA Take this to court and let the judge decide what is sent with your child. Judges are not amused with games. Your ex returned everything untouched as a test or to inconvenience you because it amused him.
Going through this w. granddaughter. Her dad has pulled a few stunts, pushed boundaries, and has been admonished by the judge.
NTA. Send them in the same 1 or 2 sets outfit choices everytime too
I feel bad for the little girl, it seems like all of it is just going to get worse
Dress your child in clothes that you won’t miss if they don’t come back, including underwear and shoes. Keep a drawer of such stuff; Thrift it if needed. Have a “to go bag” for security blanket/toy ONLY – no clothes – and check it right away when you get the child back. Text expectations often. Include expectations for bathing and clothes for every day. Been there, done that.
YTA. Bigtime. Huge.
Let’s not forget this is supposed to be about the child, not the ex. While she is traveling she should have what she needs to travel. Is she in diapers? Provide her with one. Is she comforted by a stuffie or a blanket, let her have it. Just be sure it comes back with her. Does she have accidents? Give her a change of clothes. If something should delay her getting to her father’s house and she needs these things, don’t give him an excuse to blame mommy.
Anything else can be dealt with through the courts, if necessary, but Away From Her. Do not set a precedent that will drag her into the fight.