Prior to marriage, my husband and I were in agreement that we wanted a more traditional marriage (I.e I do the cooking and cleaning, he takes care of all the bills) and that worked for a time period until it didn’t. I started working again and contributing to half of the bills while trying to give him the grace to get back on his feet and find a higher paying job (still doing all the cooking and cleaning). Well I became pregnant during this time, and around the end of my first trimester didn’t think I could handle it all anymore and asked for help around the house (he pitch in with the cooking and cleaning). He didn’t feel comfortable with either, but did some of the cleaning, and stated he didn’t know how to cook and had no intention to learn. A month later from that, he’s since lost all income so we don’t have nearly enough groceries to cook nightly with and between a more stressful work environment for me as well as being halfway through my pregnancy, I can’t find it in me to cook every night or even every other night (as we often have leftovers) and that’s taking a toll on him. He’ll often make remarks like “I’m starving… you don’t care if I starve… can you make me something to eat, I haven’t ate anything all day but some bread”. At this point, I’ve had it so I told him as much as nicely as I could. That I needed him to learn how to cook not because I’m asking him to be the cook of the relationship, but in events when I don’t feel well enough to cook or just don’t want to (and us not being able to afford takeout) that he’s able to fend for himself and he just keeps repeating he doesn’t want to, and feels like I’m being mean because of the money situation (which is unfortunately what he thinks any conflict is tied to since we’ve had money issues). So my question is, AITA for not giving in and just cooking for him despite my exhaustions?
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Prior to marriage, my husband and I were in agreement that we wanted a more traditional marriage (I.e I do the cooking and cleaning, he takes care of all the bills) and that worked for a time period until it didn’t. I started working again and contributing to half of the bills while trying to give him the grace to get back on his feet and find a higher paying job (still doing all the cooking and cleaning). Well I became pregnant during this time, and around the end of my first trimester didn’t think I could handle it all anymore and asked for help around the house (he pitch in with the cooking and cleaning). He didn’t feel comfortable with either, but did some of the cleaning, and stated he didn’t know how to cook and had no intention to learn. A month later from that, he’s since lost all income so we don’t have nearly enough groceries to cook nightly with and between a more stressful work environment for me as well as being halfway through my pregnancy, I can’t find it in me to cook every night or even every other night (as we often have leftovers) and that’s taking a toll on him. He’ll often make remarks like “I’m starving… you don’t care if I starve… can you make me something to eat, I haven’t ate anything all day but some bread”. At this point, I’ve had it so I told him as much as nicely as I could. That I needed him to learn how to cook not because I’m asking him to be the cook of the relationship, but in events when I don’t feel well enough to cook or just don’t want to (and us not being able to afford takeout) that he’s able to fend for himself and he just keeps repeating he doesn’t want to, and feels like I’m being mean because of the money situation (which is unfortunately what he thinks any conflict is tied to since we’ve had money issues). So my question is, AITA for not giving in and just cooking for him despite my exhaustions?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) I stopped cooking every night /every other night for my husband 2.) he doesn’t know how to cook and feels like I’m starving him / don’t care if he starves to punish him for not taking care of the bills as originally agreed on
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Your husband is 100% the asshole!! There is a difference between being “traditional” and expecting your wife to be a maid, and your husband is doing the latter. Regardless of who is working or who’s making more money your partner should be willing to step in and care for you when your not feeling your best. A relationship can’t always be 50/50 but it should always be a joint effort and the top priority should always be your shared wellbeing. Also worth pointing out that it is completely ridiculous for a grown adult to not be able to and more importantly not being willing to cook. There is an endless list of situations where he might have to care for himself, you and/or your children, so if he truly wants to fulfil the “traditional” role of being the “provider” then he’d better get his shit together and learn to be an adult.
>“I’m starving… you don’t care if I starve… can you make me something to eat, I haven’t ate anything all day but some bread”
OP, do you realise that your husband is going to be useless when the baby comes? You will be required to work to bring in income AND do ALL the childcare. He won’t be able to care for you when you are recovering or sick.
This isn’t a man you should be feeding. To be honest, if he dies from starvation, you may be better off (does he have life insurance?) /s
NTA this is a classic case of having his cake and eating it too. It’s ok to want a traditional dynamic if you’re able and willing to actually do your part and both parties consent (although I’d never personally go for someone who wants that from me). It’s another thing entirely to want a “traditional wife” if you’re not able to be a “traditional provider”.
I get that the job market and cost of living are insane at the moment and it’s hard to provide like that. But you had to give up your traditional role of being provided for when he lost his job. It’s not fair to expect you to give that up if he’s not willing to give up his traditional role to make things work. ESPECIALLY if you’re pregnant.
This kind of behaviour is what turns a traditional relationship from a healthy one into a toxic one. He is literally willing to put his wife and baby’s lives and health at risk because of pride or inconvenience. While there is a long history of that harm being a “traditional” experience for women….is that a part of the tradition that you really want to carry on? Surely, if you want to have a traditional dynamic you don’t want to maintain it at the cost of the health and safety of the person you supposedly love. Not if you’re a decent human being. Traditional values are not worth a damn if they can’t be adapted to the modern world and the realities of your situation to keep your partner safe. There is a way to have that traditional dynamic in a way that’s good and healthy. This is not it.
Your man needs to accept that his version of “traditional” is not realistic rn, suck it up, and actually provide what you NEED from him right now: help with the housework. You don’t get to call yourself a provider if you’re not providing what your partner actually needs.
NTA
This “man” is ridiculous. My sons are 13 and 15 and can make themselves a variety of things. Gourmet? No. But it’s food.
Grilled sandwiches, hamburger/tuna helper, eggs, pancakes, frozen pizza, ramen, spaghetti, crescent roll calzones, etc.
This list is pretty random but I was just thinking of things I recall them making this week. Air fryers and microwaves make cooking a lot simpler.
He’s just lazy.
A man that cannot or will not cook for himself and others is a weakling, a coward, and a fool.
NTA
You’re NTA. You’re pregnant. You’re working. Marriage is never 50/50, but it is meant to balance over time. Sometimes you give more. Sometimes you give less. This is the time that your husband needs to stand up and give more.
This isn’t the last uncomfortable thing he’s going to have to do. It’s ok to acknowledge his feelings. But it’s also ok to say he needs to address those feelings and show up for you and your unborn child. It does sound like you’re in a challenging place together. It’s ok to acknowledge that something can suck differently but equally for both of you. Sometimes when you’re on the same side of an issue it can feel less contentious. If he refuses after an honest conversation, then he’s definitely an AH. Hoping you can get through to him.
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You are absolutely NTA for wanting a grown adult to learn to cook so that he can feed himself and his family regularly.
You need to give him an ultimatum- you need to leave him and move out to some place in order for him to sort out his priorities
NTA, it must be hard taking care of one child whilst you’re already pregnant.
Even if he wanted a traditional marriage, I think every adult should know how to make food. What would happen if you accidentally broke your leg? When you give birth and you need to be in bed resting, is he going to call you to come and make him something to eat because he’s hungry?
Word of advice, he’s not going to change when you have the baby. Your workload is going to double.
Good luck
NTA.
Your husband is a loser. And it’s not just because of the money situation. It’s because he doesn’t have it in him to step up and rise to the occasion.
Leave him and find a real man.
Congratulations on having two babies!
NTA, if he wants a 50s housewife, he needs to be a 50s provider. You’re working and doing the domestic labor and it sounds like he ain’t doing shit so he needs to step up his game around the house at least until he finds a job.
He is lazy and mean. He also seems to be about 8 years old.
What is good about him?
NTA
Sounds like he should go back to his mommy and you should level up. Any adult should at least be able to do some basic cooking and any decent partner should be willing to help out their spouse.
He didn’t feel comfortable doing some of the most basic household chores when he is not holding up his end of the bargain and providing? Didn’t feel comfortable?
What a loser
NTA “man”. What a loser.
NTA. Honestly, how hard is it to fry himself a burger or a few eggs? There’s also this cool thing called the internet where he can learn how to make everything.
YTA. You walked yourself right into this situation
Well, you wanted a more “traditional” relationship. Just because you deviated and started working doesn’t mean he’s going to do the same for you and your “roles.”
Sorry, but seems like you helped create this imbalance. Now, it’s just not something you agree with.
But I don’t see him changing to help because why would he? He still has it easy.
Is he planning for you to push out the baby and go cooking the next day?
NTA… He is a grown human being with no disabilities, he needs to pull up his big boy pants, find some videos on YouTube and start cooking.
I’m not a fan of instantly saying dump him, but at this point, what is his purpose? He doesn’t contribute financially, domestically, or emotionally. Currently, what is a pro for staying in this relationship? It seems like you’re already about to be a single parent with an extra dependent
As my friend would say ” you have two workable arms and two workable legs, do it yourself “
He probably thinks cooking is some magical ability connected to having a uterus! You could show him a couple basic meals and he may even find it is fun.
For instance , stir fry with noodles or rice. There are countless variations on that.
Or stew. Add a salad and there you are.
Im not minimizing the fix you are in. It sucks! Good luck what ever happens!
NTA. Is he going to step up and help with caring for the baby, or will you be solely responsible for that as well?
ESH. Him for being a useless lazy whiny loser. You for procreating with him.
So let him starve.
There is nothing wrong with traditional gender roles, but you have to maintain a traditional environment and there has to be respect. And you being pregnant, working, to support your unemployed husband is as untraditional as it gets. How is he contributing to the household? Why doesn’t he want to cook.
I would be concerned about his unwillingness to carry his share and his comfort with watching you struggle. The lack of compassion and care is alarming to see from a husband and father to be. Your situation has changed and will probably change again. And you are right. If you or your child are sick, he doesn’t have the basic skills required to get you all healthy. That would make me feel very vulnerable. Maybe you all could discuss this with a therapist, but if he’s not willing to step up and be a supportive partner, he needs to get back to work quickly or this marriage won’t last
NTA. So basically at this point he is 100% deadbeat? No contribution at all, and a bad attitude on top of it? Zero chance he’s going to do anything for the baby. He’ll just whine more for you to serve him. Kick him to the curb.
NTA
Agreeing to what you called ‘traditional roles’ set the roles in motion. And a relatively short time frame that scenario ‘got busted’, and your husband has stepped away to such an extent you’re carrying everything.
Husband needs to understand he’s become the ‘stay at home dad’ with no baby to look after (yet!?). His list of chores seems invisible. Create a physical written list, with him in attendance, starting with the myriad of ‘cleaning and tidying’, laundry, shopping, cooking and so on.
He seems to feel like he’s on vacation. Time for his reality check. A baby into the equation won’t make his day, or his life, any easier.
ESH
This was entirely foreseeable, yet you chose to become pregnant.
I love how men want traditional marriages but also need their wives to work and pay bills. They can’t have it both ways.
The minute you started working, you should have asked him to do half of all the household chores. And I don’t know why on earth you’re bringing a baby into this.
Don’t shop, meal prep or cook for him. Don’t clean up after him. Don’t do his laundry. He’s an adult.
Make an exit plan and get rid of the dead weight.
I never cooked or learned to cook growing up. Tried some things when I lived on my own but could only follow some recipes. Had kids, picked up some slack by following what my wife told me to make. We were splitting the work, I clean, she cooks.
But I said I will never make soup. So. Much. Damn. Work. So long. Just, no. It takes care, patience, knowledge, and tinkering to get it right.
Well, when life gets tough you support each other and pick up the slack. Wife has been studying for a series of professional exams for the last year and I now cook on Saturdays and clean on Sundays. And I now make soup. Every week (kids have it for lunch every day).
Definitely NTA. Husband needs to grow the fuck up and start taking care of his family in whichever way is necessary.
This wimp can go hell, what a dweeb
NTA. If he’s complaining he’s not dead yet. He needs to figure it out
“You are an adult man. You can take care of yourself. I can barely take care of myself right now, and need help more than you do, so figure it out.”
NTA You know it and you aren’t wrong. Don’t let him convince you otherwise!
Does he know how to make a PB&J? Because that is all he is going to eat.
He’s sexist, lazy, and mean.
You should leave before the baby gets here. Do you have family you could live with for a little while, while you go through a divorce? Because your husband is awful, and he’s going to be a terrible father. NTA. Please don’t stay. You deserve better. Your child deserves much, much better.