i’m really freaked out by this. has never happened before and we have been together a few years.
so first off, he has been insanely stressed from work lately and i has been really irritable. every Thursday i do our big grocery shop, normally i text him even though he knows i go every Thursday, but because he keeps getting mad and is stressed i decided not to bother him.
i was driving home at about 6pm and i got a few texts from him that he had sent earlier but i didn’t have service. i responded saying on my way home.
as soon as i walked in the door i went to kiss him and he flipped out, said he was hungry and a bunch of stuff about me not texting him & taking too long. he started screaming at me that i have all day to grocery shop.. which normally he gets home a bit later on Thursdays, and i plan to get there around the same time as him and make him a drink/snack until dinner.. its always been our routine and there has never been an issue.
i started crying immediately because i cant stand getting yelled at. he was kind of grabbing me aggressively, but not hitting/hurting me on purpose. my eyes started burning and i couldnt see (just got a lash fill, so fumes were getting me i think)
and i decided to go lock myself in the bathroom to calm down, get cleaned up and breathe a bit. then i was going to talk to him once both of us calmed down.
he knocked on the door a few times, i said to him to give me a sec to calm down. i dont know if he thought i was like.. crawling out our third floor window or what made him do it but he kicked the bathroom door open. it freaked me out a lot, i didnt expect it and it was really scary. i also never really thought of that as something he could do, or that any normal person could do if that makes sense.
he has apologized like crazy, and i can get passed most of it but kicking the door in is really bugging me. i told him it scared me and he just said sorry and laughed a bit. thats really all i said and then me being stupid i just responded “its okay” when it really wasnt. i feel like i need to talk about it again but im scared hell get mad if i bring it up now
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Gee, this guy must wonder why no woman his own age will date him, so he resorts to dating girls nearly half his age.
I know usually people jump to the ‘leave’ when a minor issue happens. But this dude got upset because you did errands later, and PUT HIS HANDS ON YOU. Then also kicked the bathroom door open. If you’re scared he’s going to get mad because you voice your fears, run. Please get out of this situation. You’re young, and you don’t wanna stay with a man like this. What’s going to happen if he get angry again and gets physical again, but this time leaves a mark? What happens if you have kids with this man and he gets angry at them?
And you make him a drink and snack? Why can’t he do it himself? Sounds like he’s looking more for a slave than an actual partner…
Op you are in danger, there is zero reason anyone should be this violent, especially to their loved ones. Do you have a support system outside of him? Reach out to a trusted friend or family member and get some help. HE LAUGHED AT YOU BEING SCARED OF HIM. He’s testing you to see how much you will let slide, and you saying you are afraid to bring it up again is telling that you are not safe. Please stay safe and please tell someone you trust in your life who can be aware of your situation.
Are you staying? Because this is definitely not normal.
You lost me at 40M
girl be so fr
there’s always a REASON asides from sexual desires that a man wants someone who’s barely been an adult for long
You KNOW you have to leave. Start saving and making a plan. The stupid old man is going to get worse.
It’s definitely not OK! If you feel comfortable doing so, I would bring it up in a calm manner and reiterate how much that scared you and that him laughing about it made it seem like he didn’t care how you felt about it.
If you think this wasn’t just some weird one-off event, don’t talk to him about it, but start making a plan to leave (the sooner the better). He’s 15 years older than you and should know better than to act like that.
Get out. It won’t always be the door. It will be you one day.
I don’t think you really need anyone to tell you the obvious. This middle-aged man has communication, anger, and control issues. Don’t stay. You can do better.
I’m sorry, are we back in the 1950s?? You do the shopping and the cooking and the…making him a drink/snack before dinner? And in return, he takes his work problems out on you by being “irritable”, “mad”, and “stressed”, so you try not to bother him. Sounds idyllic.
Also fyi “grabbing me aggressively” counts as hurting someone on purpose. And we haven’t even got to the fucking breaking down a door to further terrorise you because he wasn’t finished yet.
The reason he’s with you is because a woman in her 30s or 40s would be way less likely to put up with this shitty behaviour. He goes for women in their 20s because they don’t have always the life experience to recognise a controlling misogynistic pos when they start seeing one. Well, you’ve got the experience now.
Do yourself a favour and leave him. Do not marry him, because if you think his behaviour is bad now, it’ll get way worse once he has you locked in. Fool me once, shame on you etc. Don’t let him do it twice. Because he will with 100% certainty.
Yeah, another one of the 90% of posts in relationship subs, women asking what to do about abusive men. Why is this so common?
You need to leave this loser right away.
I’m so sorry this is happening but I must join the others who are warning you. You are only getting a glimpse of what he is capable of so please take it as a huge red flag. It won’t get better and if he touched you, no matter how minor, he feels there are no boundaries. Please be careful and leave immediately.
Looks like you may have found out why he should stay single
I don’t mean to scare you hun but a lot of abusive partners aren’t always abusive in the beginning…. They may show a red flag or two that gets ignored but a lot of woman don’t see the true explosive anger until 2 years +. And it’s completely out of the blue most of the time.
It literally is a simple thing to suddenly he’s harming you physically or doing this.
It will continue to escalate and get worse.
No one and I truly mean no one will consider this normal.
you ran errands for him big fucking whoop. This is an INSANE thing to get this angry about. Absolutely insanity.
He’s using you as a punching bag.
And it will get worse over time.
How long do you plan on staying with him?
Why do you have to serve him?
Is he paying for your services?
>he was kind of grabbing me aggressively, but not hitting/hurting me on purpose
He was not accidentally grabbing you. His grabbing was intentional. That was on purpose. Maybe he wasn’t expressly intending to hurt you. But he didn’t care if he did. He only cared about unloading all of his frustration and anger on you because he has conditioning you to behave like a doormat to his every whim.
You’re assuming a good intent to him that he doesn’t have because you love him and believe that he must love you to, so he wouldn’t do awful things to you. Not true.
Kicking in the door is crazy escalation. But you are already glossing over his grabbing you, which is enough to be a dealbreaker for me.
>he has apologized like crazy
Has he? You also wrote:
>i told him it scared me and he just said sorry and laughed a bit.
That’s not apologizing like crazy. That’s trying to laugh to gloss over something he did that’s awful and unacceptable. His mask slipped (or inner id slipped out, whatever you want to call it).
You would be completely justified in leaving him. Make a practical plan to do so but don’t delay that departure for poor reasoning.
Because I suspect you’ll rationalize this away or talk about it again only to accept his dismissal of your feelings, will you look back to this post and moment when he escalates again? Will you call it a redline (and stick to it) when he ‘accidentally’ pushes you down? What about when he smacks you? What about when he chokes you?
By the way, staying with him doesn’t even make the slightest bit of sense unless the relationship is actually amazing in all other regards. But it’s not. It’s clear from your post that he has been treating you poorly generally. You’re writing this off as stress. But how long has this stress been going on? And how long was the relationship in existence before that? How long was he putting on an image of perfection to lure you in? How quickly did he propose?
If you don’t use this as your justification for getting a gameplan to leave—and following through on it—then will you hold the line later when he escalates? You don’t need to actively fight back if that’s not safe for you. But you need to have a plan to safely and efficiently get out.
Red flag. Not saying dump him. Lots of details some strangers on Reddit can’t know. Can you talk to a therapist together? Do you have wedding plans yet? If not, hold off… If you do do you have time to see a therapist together? Will he? If not hold off…
It is NOT okay. Dating a 40 yr old man is not flex.
You need to leave. You’re not safe there with him. This will start escalating until you are the one that’s being abused. This guy is a walking red flag
Girl he’s 40 and you’re 25. There’s a reason he targeted you. Leave him
He’s finally showing you who he is. Act accordingly x
You’re 25 and he’s 40, there’s a reason why he’s with someone much younger than him. I can tell you from experience that just because he’s older doesn’t mean he’s more “mature” it just means no woman his age will put up with his bullshit. Leave
Date someone your age godd
This man is seriously dangerous, OP. He went after a girl nearly half his age, so she wouldn’t see his red flags. Get out of there. It will escalate. Your entire system is blaring red flashing lights and telling you you’re not safe. Believe your body. Believe your instincts.
He assaulted you. Physical assault. He threatened you, intimidated you and kicked a door in to get to you to continue intimidating you. Leave, now.
The age gap alone is questionable itself. But the abuse? You need to leave. It will only get worse. I don’t know how many posts I’ve seen like this on Reddit in my time. It’s always the same thing. They start like this and soon he’ll be punching you in the face, controlling what you wear, where you go, who you talk to, and getting you pregnant to make you feel like you have to stay. Leave, now.