My MIL’s Birthday Was Couple Days Ago, and I’m just emotionally exhausted

So couple of days ago was my MIL’s birthday. I texted her happy birthday in the morning, and she called me a bit later. While we were on the phone, she mentioned that some of her friends had kittens they were trying to rehome and thought maybe my sisters would be interested since they’ve been looking to adopt. I told her that we were actually adopting a kitten that same day, and she was like, “Oh okay, just thought I’d let you know.” I thanked her for thinking of us, and she mentioned she was at the mall with her friends, then quickly got off the phone , which was fine. It’s her birthday, she was probably just busy enjoying her day.

Even though I’ve been exhausted from taking summer college courses (it’s really not a “break” at all), I still made time to go get her a card and birthday gift so my husband wouldn’t have to worry about it after work. He has a long commute and doesn’t usually get home until 6 or 7 PM.

He had told his mom earlier that we’d stop by later in the evening, and she said “okay”, but there was never a specific time or anything mentioned about dinner. Around 6 PM, the woman I was adopting the kitten from let me know I could come pick her up. So I did that, then took the kitten to my parents’ house where my sisters live (since the kitten is for them), helped get her settled, and then ran out again to grab all the supplies. By the time I finished everything and got home, it was around 8:30–9 PM. It was still light out, and my MIL now lives 5 minutes away (she recently moved from 20 minutes out), so I didn’t think it was too late to stop by.

We headed straight there, and as soon as she opened the door, I could just feel the tension. She said things like, “It’s late,” and “You didn’t have to come today , you could’ve just come tomorrow.” My husband told her, “But today is your birthday,” and she just seemed annoyed. She asked why we were so late, and I explained that I was at my mom’s helping get the new kitten settled because my little sisters were overwhelmed. She just sighed, visibly annoyed.

We went to sit in the living room and she mentioned there was cake, but I wasn’t really in the mood for it (my husband had some though). She just sat there clearly irritated. Then she says, “You guys make a big deal out of everything. You didn’t have to come.” She kept repeating that she had been out all day and didn’t really want visitors. I tried making small talk to ease the tension, but she wasn’t engaging, so I just stopped.

Then she looked at my husband and asked, “Did you eat dinner?” And I knew where this was going. I immediately felt awful because with everything going on, I didn’t have time to make dinner for him, and I felt guilty, even though it was just one hectic day. He said, “No, but we’re getting food after we leave here.” And she goes, “There’s fried rice here, you can take it.” He told her, “No, Mom, that’s for you,” and she insisted, “No, it’s for you guys. If you would’ve come hours ago, we were going to eat dinner together.”

I just sat there feeling like crap. Because I didn’t know there were birthday dinner plans. If she had told us, we would’ve made sure to come earlier, we would’ve planned around it. But she never said anything. I didn’t even say anything until we got to the car, and that’s when my husband showed me the texts, she never mentioned dinner or a specific time. Just “come by later.”

It’s stuff like this that leaves me emotionally wiped out. And honestly, this isn’t new. She’s always had this energy with me, even with my mom, who she clearly doesn’t like. My husband tries to be understanding and says maybe it’s the stress from the move, since she just sold her old house and has to do a bunch of work on the new one, but truthfully? She’s always been like this.

I’m just glad she didn’t make a comment about my weight this time , because she usually does. 🙃

And then a couple weeks ago for our anniversary, my mom invited her to a dinner. I was running late because I had homework due at midnight and was super stressed. I told my husband to pick up his mom and go ahead, and I’d get ready and join them after. Later, my mom told me that my MIL was making passive-aggressive comments all night about whether I “even helped” my mom. (My mom has two other daughters who live with her, for context.) Then I found out she was yelling at my husband in the car about how I wasn’t there early enough.

I remember my husband texting me that night, “Hey… my mom’s insisting you come now,” so I literally stopped what I was doing, rushed to shower and get ready, and left. But apparently, even that wasn’t good enough.

I don’t know. I just feel like every time we have to be around her, I have to prepare myself mentally and emotionally. And I’m so tired of it.