My sister passed away last year. she was only 24. I’m 22. she was my absolute best friend. we lived together for a while, shared clothes, inside jokes, trauma, everything. when she died, it felt like someone yanked the floor out from under me.
After the funeral, her room just sat untouched. I asked my parents if I could have some of her things the stuff that meant something to us. I didn’t grab everything. just her favorite mug, some clothes, a worn-out journal we passed back and forth when we were younger, a jacket she basically lived in. these things gave me a kind of peace. I wasn’t completely alone.
Then my cousin (23F) called out of nowhere and said she wanted some of my sister’s things. said they were soul sisters. which is funny, because I barely remember them talking the last few years. my sister never mentioned anything deep between them. my cousin goes, she wanted me to have her jacket, her silver necklace, and her journal if anything ever happened. that caught me off guard. first of all, who says that in a casual convo? and second, why would my sister promise her most personal items to someone she wasn’t even close to anymore?
I told her no. gently at first. I explained how much those things meant to me. that’s when she flipped and said I was being selfish, accused me of acting like my grief is more important than hers. then she went full and involved her mom (my aunt), who dragged my mom into it, and now there’s a whole thing in the family.
here’s what’s really been eating at me, my cousin not doing this because she misses my sister. she’s doing it because she wants to own something that makes her feel connected even if it’s not real. she didn’t cry at the funeral. she didn’t reach out after and now she wants to parade around in my sister’s leather jacket like she’s the one who lost everything?
I get that grief is messy. it’s not an excuse to be entitled or manipulative. I’m the one who saw my sister every day, who held her hand in the hospital, who has to live with this silence every single day. and now I’m being told I’m hoarding her things?
No. I’m protecting the only parts of her I have left.
AITAH for keeping everything and not giving my cousin anything?
Comments
NTA. Your cousin is a greedy piece of shit.
First off I’m so sorry for+your loss. NTA. Your cousin is why out of line. Keep whatever means something to you
NTA. I noticed the things she asked for have monetary value like a leather jacket and silver. She just being greedy. She trying to be entitled to valuable items that she doesnt have any right to. She just extended family. They have no right to take anything from within your own family. They are very toxic and I would protect your boundaries even if it means cutting them off. They should be nowhere near your house. They might try to steal your sister’s stuff.
Your cousin can pick another item as memorabilia.
NTA
Your cousin needs grief counseling. Maybe even therapy for other things.
Let’s lay it out. If there was no will, then there are laws to follow. Every place has laws in place if there is no will. Usually, it goes like this: If she was married, it would go to her spouse. If she had spouse and kids, 50% to spouse and 50% for kids. No spouse, then everything to kids. No spouse or kids, then everything goes to parents. No parents, then it goes to siblings. Etc. Etc. Etc. You can look up the laws for Intestate succession where you live.
If everything went to your parents, and they gave you permission to take those things, then they are yours. They can’t take them back.
Your cousin has no rights to anything. Her mother getting involved and causing more pain to your mother and you is uncalled for. Your cousin clearly needs help, and her grief is not yours or your parents to fix.
If your sister meant her to have them there would have been mention of it. This is why we have wills. No written document, no items.
Just a greedy cousin ,money grabbing
NTA – please make sure if she’s ever around that those items are in a secure location.
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
I’m sorry for your loss OP.
It’s like your cousin thinks grief is a competitive sport. Sorry, but you can’t just throw on someone else’s jacket and call it a comeback. Those mementos are yours she can find her own soul sister swag elsewhere.
NTA – not even a little bit.
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. My own sister went missing for ten days about 9 years ago. Not knowing if she was even alive or dead destroyed me. I remember I would go and sit in her room from time to time – just to sit there, surrounded by her things. It helped me to feel closer to her somehow.
Your cousin can fuck all the way off.
NTA!! Hide her stuff so no one takes it.
You were her sister, immediate family. A cousin is not considered “immediate” family.
If you want to “be nice” to the entitled cousin, YOU pick out something she can have. If she gets nasty about it, it means she’s has no connection to your sister , could care less that she died and is trying to get free stuff that may have a monetary value.
NTA. Your cousin doesn’t deserve anything.
This is what you call fu*king vultures!
The greedy and cold-hearted circle like raptors after a death, hoping to snag whatever they can in their clutches. Your cousin is one wretched AH. A p*x on her. Your line in the sand could not be more appropriate, treasuring your sister’s memory. Condolences on this terrible loss.
What is really weird to me is your cousin wanting the journal. If you and your sister passed it between you, why would your sister want anyone but you to have it.
NTA
NTA. That’s so weird – like stolen valour, is your cousin trying to steal grief?
Tuck those items away and out of reach because if she’s that determined she’ll find a way to take them…either by talking your family into capitulating and giving them to her or she’ll find a way to take them from you. It’s strange that she’s pushing this, don’t you think? I’m wondering if there’s something in that journal about her….
NTA. Such a greedy thing to do, considering the entire family is in grieving. There was no need to start so much drama over a damn jacket that rightfully should be with you.
NTA
NTA at all
I’m so sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart that your cousin and your aunt are being so cruel to cause such drama during your family’s time of grief. You owe her nothing.
If your sister wanted to gift something to your cousin, you would have known about it. NTA
Keep the items she asked for locked up. She will try and steal them.
Just a heads up…..keep your sister’s stuff in a safe place. Since she is not above getting others involved it would not shock me the lengths she would go to get those things including pushing your mom or someone who could access them, to the point they would be forced to give them things for family peace.
Obviously NTA. There’s something deeply narcissistic about what’s actually happening here and I think your best bet is to play soft grieving woman and vy for counseling for your cousin to get to the root of why she wants items from someone she wasn’t close to. Put the focus back on her. And I suggest you lock up those items you consider important for your own peace of mind.
NTA, don’t even give her the time of day. She was your sister. That’s all that matters.
Please keep them safe, as she sounds that it’s not beyond her to steak them
Read sister’s journal. I bet sister didn’t like cousin.
Lock up all of sister’s things and keep them safe!
((HUGS)) Sorry for your loss.
NTA.
Tell your cousin “Receipts or it never happened… her journal doesn’t mention you, I lived with her and talked every day and she never mentioned you in any specific way. and thus… you say you and her had this incredibly meaningful relationship? Show me where. I want the proof.“
Can she show you a phone log (from your sister’s number) of a close relationship? A confirmed social media account? Email? Stuff you can prove existed, and was hers…? My guess is no.
And.. then gently remind her… that even if she can prove a closer than publicly known relationship… you are the sister who grew up, lived with, and were there for every day. If there’s a ‘trumps’ in priority it’s still YOU
Take the stuff and lock it away op