I was in a relationship with a man who turned out to be married with kids. When I found out, he swore he was going to leave her, that we’d build a future together. I believed him. He met my family. It felt serious.
I got pregnant, but I chose not to keep the baby. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through.
At one point, his wife contacted me. I panicked and lied to her — I denied everything. I regret it deeply. I’ve been carrying this guilt, especially thinking about how she and the children might be affected.
I’ve written a message to her explaining the truth and offering proof (screenshots, photos, etc.). I’m not trying to cause more pain or seek revenge. I just feel she deserves to know.. I already know I’m an asshole but should I tell her ?
Comments
Absolutely tell her. No question about it. You may feel guilty and like you are ruining a relationship but you aren’t. He ruined it by dating you in the first place. You should have told her sooner, I’m glad you’re telling her now
You should tell her. She deserves to know.
Yeah babe absolutely tell her. Question is if YOU were the wife would YOU want to know? If the answer is yes than obviously you should tell her. Like you said you’re already the asshole by continuing to sleep with someone that was married and has a family. Don’t be an even bigger asshole by letting him move on from you to whatever dumb girl decides to be a home wrecker and continue to hurt his wife. Definitely tell him.
I’m sorry you are ging through this.
It’s not your fault, you know?
You probably wouldn’t have fallen in love with him if you had known.
First, I’m sorry you experienced this. Second, it’s time to burn the bridge. She deserves to know the truth and you deserve to be freed by it.
He is a POS. This is a tale as old as time & you have learned the hard way. You absolutely have to tell her, she deserves better. Right now she’s likely feeling like she’s going crazy, he’ll be lying through his teeth & making her feel guilty for not trusting him. Set that poor woman free too.
Tell her
You’re both assholes
Nothing good can come of that. The wife already knows. By sending this letter you are the one who is going to hurt the children… and assuage your own guilt.
Just take the hit, learn from the experience and move on with your life.
YTA. Just remove yourself from the whole situation. Keep your mouth shut rather than hurt her further. You’re just trying to rid yourself of guilt. Too late. Leave her alone.
He is the biggest AH. You absolutely should do the right thing and tell her.
Yes you are, that too an absolute one
This is chat gpt
The sooner you get it all out and over with, the better. You need to move on!
You should tell her everything and you should spend a lot of time in therapy figuring out why you thought it was OK to continue dehumanizing his wife by being in a relationship with him even after you found out he was married. That is some very seriously narcissistic behavior.
They always promise to leave the wife and never do.
Trust your gut’s, tell everything to his wife, cut him from your life and move on, heal.
Please don’t ever bring him to your life again, he’ll never change. NEVER. Trust me.
NTA
Absolutely tell her. If hes planning on ripping the world from under her, then she needs to know. Yes shes going to be pissed at you, but the guys playing both of you. He made a decision that it was worth him getting caught having an affair with you. If you had decide to keep the baby, you would have been in an awful place because you would have been linked to him for life. I can understand how hard that was but it was the best move for you.
Make sure you tell her you aborted his child, make sure you tell her what he was telling you. Its going to hard, but you owe her that at least.
Once you discovered he’d been lying to both you and his wife, and he was married with kids, you became an active participant in deceiving his wife.
You knew it was wrong, which is why you lied to her.
You made a mistake, but people can change.
Tell her the truth, with proof. Break it off. Throw your phone in a lake if you need to, but do not take his calls. He is full of lies and may manipulate you to stay, just like he’s manipulated his wife.
Get tested for STDs. If he’d cheat on her, he’d cheat on you, and you’d have no leg to stand on to be upset about it.
He’ll blame you and leave angry messages. This is because he was not going to leave his wife, and you messed up his plan of staying married but keeping side chicks.
Do right by his wife, for once.
I recommend caution.
It seems that you are focused on mitigating your own guilt, I’m not sure that this is about the “wife” at all.
If it is as I have described, I suggest you just let it be and try work on your guilt alone.
The ‘wife’s’ response in unlikely to reconciliatory in any event. You are also nothing to her, other than a unknown villain and a source of pain.
The “husband” is the real villain in the story, so try not to be too hard on yourself.
I’m so sad to read this . A liar causes so much pain for everyone . People that have affairs are awfully narcissistic and chaos prone.
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Let’s keep legs crossed before doing background check on your next partner , pls
Yeah you’re a massive arsehole and you know it, even if you’re pretending you don’t. You should feel far worse about yourself than you seem to.
You should tell her. It wouldn’t ruin a relationship, that man already did that with you (and maybe many other women). The wife deserve the truth. Arm her with truth, so that she could make informed decision about her life and future.
People have absolutely no chill and think thatching can say absolutely anything to anyone just cus it’s online. Insanity.
The comments are evil.
I’ll tell you what…she deserves to know. Let her decide how she wants to deal with it. By NOT telling her, you’re protecting his sorry lying adulterous butt. You are right to feel guilty as you went along after he told you the truth & now you lied to her when she wanted to validate her suspicions. Again you’re guilty of omission. Don’t continue to rob this woman of her dignity. Tell her. Give her the respect to be informed & to handle it. You cannot try to protect her as the lying cheat will do it again with someone else. Remember, once a cheater always a cheater. Do the right thing, face the consequences. God sees & hears everything & knows the intentions of the heart. 🙏🕊️
You’re both assholes. At least tell the guys poor wife…
She deserves to know what her reality actually is, even if it hurts. Just be gentle, keep it factual, and accept that her reaction may be painful. But your honesty might be the one thing that finally sets both of you free.
You might get blamed. The ‘other woman’ often is. Good luck. I think you’re doing the right thing.
So if he dated her and got her pregnant while he was married but told her he was not – doesn’t that mean he not only cheated on his wife but also his GF? He had a relationship with someone else but kept it hidden. It is easy to say she should’ve ended it right away when she found out. But it is not that easy when you are already deep in it. The one who knew the situation all the time and made the decicsion to cheat – on both of them – is the man. All other ones where deprived the knowledge and the GF was lured into relationship with lies. It is very understandable that she’d need some time to let this all sink in and also see that the story he gave about being about to divorce etc was also a lie. To understand that he was willingly cheating you both and only after that see his character through these actions.
Yes, absolutely. The guys a cheating jerk.
Tell the wife the truth. She deserves to know.
Tell her. But telling her also doesn’t absolve you for what you did.
Understand why you intentionally dated this man knowing you’re ruining someone else’s life. Find that deep insecurity that governs all your shitty pick me girl actions, and deal with it.
Do it for this poor woman, her kids, society, and yourself ofc
Protip: when a man tells you he is going to leave her. He is lying. Always.
Same as saying she is mean to him or that she does not understand him like you do.
YTA in all instances, but you might sleep better after you tell her the truth.
Tbh you both are asshole
Even if he had told you the truth: The way your lover treats his or her current partner is how he or she will treat you later on, once you’ve become their current partner.
A cheater will always remain a cheater (something like a one-night stand might be the exception). Likewise, someone who’s slept with dozens of people will keep sleeping around.
Why do women want to be with men who have cheated? That’s borderline stupid.
Yes, honey — you’re so special, he won’t cheat on you. Haha.
Even if it comes out later, how can you want to be with a man who cheated on the wife he once swore to love in good times and bad — with you?
You’ll end up just like the woman he cheated on.
Everywhere on this earth, it feels like only narcissists are left. Crazy.
You got a grown ass man coming to meet your parents whilst he is married? Youre not an ah but definitely dont let your feelings overpower your rationality in the future. You made a bad call but telling his wife was a good call
YTA. If this is real you should remember any man who will cheat with you will definitely cheat on you as well.
Your not an asshole. Just a fragile human who fell in love with someone who turned it to be a liar
You didn’t do anything wrong. He knew what he was doing and you got strung along by this. There is the definite potential that she would get upset by this but you didn’t cause her to feel that way and I would be grateful for being told above all else. NTA you’re doing the right thing
Why you stay with him after learning he was married? “He told me he was going to leave her” doesn’t cut it.
Pro tip, they never leave their wife’s for the other woman. The only time that happens is when the wife divorce tham.
Don’t break up the family, those kids are better in a nuclear home.
Hopefully this scare has taught him a lesson
One of my friends did this . The difference is that she knew from the beginning that he was married and had children.
When i told her that it was not normal and that such a thing is not done , she got angry because I did not support her and now she is my ex-girlfriend.
No married man who tells you that he is going to give up his wife or that in fact they do not get along anymore and are only married for the children, is not worth the effort. Today you are his mistress and tomorrow you are in the position of his wife.
i am not here to judge you, it is strictly your problem what you do.. but you are not a girls girl. The moment you found out about his relationship, you should have announced his wife and stopped all communication .
Absulutely tell her. She deserves to know.
You and him are both AH
Absolutely tell her and cut contact with this man. He’s awful. Getting you pregnant whilst married is disgusting. He’s used you OP. He never had any intention of leaving his wife. Once it’s over between you he’ll cheat with someone else. His wife deserves to know.
I don’t know why people want you to tell her she already knows and this is probably not the first time. That’s why she reached out to you. A woman knows You don’t have to tell her anything or send pictures. She probably aint going anywhere. That’s only gonna blow things up even more. She knows! I’m sorry you got played by a married man, but as soon as you found out, he was married you should have cut things off and went no contact immediately. Why would you want to build a life with a man who’s cheating on the very PEOPLE He’s supposed to protect his wife and kids. WHY would you want AN already made family. He’s 10 years older than you. Which is normally not a big deal. If he didn’t already have a family, and maybe he wanted to start one, but you’re getting scraps. ALSO, HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO FIND OUT THAT HE WAS MARRIED? HOPEFULLY NOT LONG BECAUSE MARRIED MAN, GIVE OFF BIG RED FLAGS LIKE YOU NEVER GOING TO HIS PLACE OR LIKE HIM PROBABLY NEVER BEING ABLE TO SPEND THE NIGHT UNLESS HE HAS THE FREEDOM TO TRAVEL WITH HIS JOB. THERE’S LOTS OF RED FLAGS. SO YOU WERE PROBABLY IN DENIAL AND A COCONSPIRATOR. NOW, YOU KNOW, SO JUST MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. TO ME, WHEN A SIDE PIECE GOES TO THE SPOUSE, IT’S MORE FOR REVENGE.THEN ANYTHING.