My in laws are troglodytes

I need advice because I genuinely can’t do this anymore – a long one sorry.

• also I’m a VERY direct person, if there’s a problem let’s talk about it, I hate drama, I hate everyone talking behind everyone’s backs etc, I’ve tried to talk to these morons before – it dosent work. They are genuinely too emotional incompetent *

To preface: I’ve been with my partner for nearly a decade. We got together really young — I was 15, he was 16. We’re both 25 now, so I’ve known his family for a long time. At first, I tried really hard to empathize with them, thinking:

“It must be hard for them seeing their youngest grow up,” or “They’ve known me since I was a teenager, maybe that’s why they dismiss my opinions.”

That was something I actually said to my sister-in-law (SIL), who is married into the family as well. She’s the only one I genuinely love from that side — we’re both only children, and she’s been like the big sister I never had. But honestly? The rest of his family? They are toxic. Verbally abusive, manipulative, emotionally immature, and completely lacking in any emotional intelligence or accountability.

Here are a few examples of what I’ve dealt with: • In-law “feedback”: • “That’s doing no favors for you” (about my clothes) • “Would you not rather spend time with family?” (when we had rare plans with friends we see maybe three times a year) • “Stop dwelling on what he said” (after their son said something awful and refused to apologize) • “I’ll do XYZ if you lose weight” • “All the other girls looked so pretty, and you… well, you looked like a plumber” (after a wedding we attended)

For context: I’m a UK size 14/16, pear-shaped, and confident in my appearance. Their body-shaming doesn’t break me — but it still disgusts me that they speak like this. They’re not just emotionally damaging to people — they were terrible to their animals too. They had two cats, and I was the one caring for them. Not them.

One cat got very sick (cancer) and needed warm baths every few hours to manage the pain. They went on a last-minute holiday after the diagnosis — not one that was pre-planned. I was 17 and stayed behind to care for the cat. They didn’t even want her in the house. I put her in a crate, kept her warm, stayed beside her, and made her feel safe. She passed shortly after. The second cat — I basically rescued him. Took him into my own space, gave him proper food, love, care, everything. Before that, they were leaving the cats in a tiled utility room with barely any stimulation or interaction. They just didn’t care. It still makes me sick.

Then there’s the golden child — the oldest sibling, nearly 40, and honestly unbearable. He’s one of those “if you’ve been to Tenerife, he’s been 11 times” types. Always one-upping, always knows better, always talking over people. But somehow he can do no wrong. Why is he allowed to act like this? If my partner or the other sibling behaved the way he does, they’d be crucified. But him? Constantly praised. Defended. Idolized. And I just don’t get it. He’s arrogant, selfish, and honestly a bit pathetic.
And get this — he didn’t even propose to his wife himself. His child did it. Which might sound sweet in theory… except the moment it happened, he turned to his partner and said:

“I’m only doing this to shut you up. We’re not actually getting married.” Like… what? Who says that?

This family is delusional. And narcissistic. And cruel. And they genuinely make me feel like I’m losing my grip on reality sometimes. My partner — the youngest — can’t stand them either. He’s fully aware of how messed up his family is. He often says that if we hadn’t met so young, he’d have ended up just like them: emotionally stunted, arrogant, and incapable of reflection. He’s said his parents were awful, and he doesn’t even feel comfortable in his own home anymore. I barely go over there at all now. I’m done trying to make peace. I have no tolerance left. I’ve gone from patient and empathetic to completely burned out.

The mother-in-law is the ringleader of all of this. She thinks she’s this wise, earth-mother type — always acting like she knows everything and everyone else is just wrong. She can’t stand being challenged and shuts down any real conversation with tears or deflection. She even says things like “I treat all my kids the same,” which is just laughable.

So here I am. Still living at home. Trying to navigate this dysfunctional mess. I love my partner. I want a future with him. But I’m exhausted, angry, overwhelmed, and unsure of what steps to take next.

I need advice: • How do you set firm, effective boundaries with people like this? • Can families this narcissistic ever really change? • How can I protect my peace while also supporting my partner? • How do we move forward if we can’t afford to move out yet?

I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I genuinely can’t live like this anymore, and I don’t know what the next move is. Any advice would mean the world right now.

Also, I unfortunately have an obligation coming up in about a month that I absolutely can’t get out of. I have to travel with my mother-in-law, stay overnight, and then come back with her the next day. Just the two of us. I’ve tried everything to avoid it, but there’s no way around it — I have to go. And honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I have nothing left emotionally. I can’t tolerate being around these people anymore — I’m completely drained.

I’m a very kind, understanding person. I have two close friends, and my mum and dad, who I love more than anything. They’re incredible parents, and I feel so lucky to have them. I don’t want people like my in-laws in my life anymore. I’ve tried. I’ve been patient. I’ve been compassionate. But I just can’t do it anymore. I’m over it.

My partner even suggested we move — literally leave the country — just to get away from them. That’s how bad it’s gotten. And while I understand where he’s coming from, I’m an only child, and I’m not willing to leave my mum and dad, especially now that they’re getting older and may need me more in the coming years.

But the sad truth is… when my parents are no longer here, I really do think moving far away will be my only option. Because I don’t ever want to see my in-laws again. I don’t want them in my life at all. I’m done.

Thanks for reading