I’ve been struggling with anger and rage for a few years now. When it comes to helping others or being supportive I’m actually really good at that. But then the tiniest things can set me off. Like stuff that won’t even matter five minutes later and still I get so frustrated and angry in the moment.
It always goes the same way. I get angry or annoyed sometimes even over nothing then stay in that state for a few minutes. After that regret hits me hard and I feel terrible for hours. Then the next day same thing all over again. It’s like a loop I can’t break.
I know it’s not fair to the people around me. I genuinely feel sorry for my loved ones who have to live with someone like this. Writing it out now I can see how clear it is that these things shouldn’t affect me so much. But when I’m actually in the moment I forget everything. All that’s there is frustration and rage.
I’ve tried therapy with three different therapists but honestly I didn’t get much out of it. Maybe it just wasn’t the right fit or maybe therapy isn’t for me I don’t know. The only things that help even a little are listening to people’s stories and podcasts. And something that surprisingly helped a bit is setting reminders on my smartwatch every few minutes telling me to keep my head straight. It sounds silly but sometimes it works and keeps me grounded just long enough to avoid snapping. Still most of the time when that trigger moment comes it’s like none of the advice or reminders even exist anymore.
If you were in my shoes what would you do? What actually helped you if you’ve gone through something similar?
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Failure to properly regulate your emotions. Meditation helped me with this.
Remember that you won’t fix this all at once. Therapy, mindfulness, listening to these podcasts, etc. are just helping you build the mental muscle to 1) notice when you’re being triggered, and 2) interrupt the usual pattern.
It sounds like the stopwatch thing is helping so just keep doing it and whatever else works for you. Over time you should keep getting better and better until you’re consistently able to resist these triggers.
I started asking myself “will this matter tomorrow?”, will it matter next week?, next month, next year?, 3 years?, etc….
If it’s not going to matter by next month, I dont even react. And it just scales up with the amount of time.
Find a therapist who’s willing to really force you to dig in and examine things you’d rather not. And who won’t take no for an answer or allow you to deflect.
I’m guessing you’ve picked client-focused therapists up until now, who were willing to sit there and let you lead the process, so you can make the claim you’re “trying” all while keeping the stuff that matters safely buried.
This level of anger, and the fact that pretty much ANYTHING is setting it off, suggests there’s something very old and very unpleasant in there that needs to be resolved.
“100% of frustration is born from unmet expectation”.
Learn to stop and identify what expectation you had when you start being frustrated. Then think about if that expectation was communicated or even reasonable. A lot of the time you’ll realize the frustration is entirely your fault even if it’s someone else triggering it. If you learn to understand and master your expectations, you will likely be free from this.
Edit- I mean it literally too…stop what you’re doing, stop communicating, stop people from communicating with you, etc. When I was learning how to do it, if my frustration was from something someone was saying to me I would just say “stop!, please, I need a second”. Most people respected the request despite being taken back initially. A lot of people struggle with the same things and don’t talk about it so there’s a lot of grace in places you may not expect to find it.
Whenever something tiny sets you off, your anger is rarely about that specific thing, there’s almost always something deeper that you’re really upset about. You might be hiding it from yourself, or you might just not know how to put whatever you’re feeling into words. Digging into what really sets these feelings off might get really uncomfortable and sometimes you need a therapist who’s going to drag it out of you.
If setting reminders on your phone helps you stay grounded, then keep doing it. It isn’t silly if it works. It takes practice, but keep going and you’ll get better at catching yourself before you fly off the handle.
My life… I have very explosive anger that i have been dealing with my whole life. I’m a very passive and nice person till something pisses me off. The good thing is I’ve learned to stay away from people and deescalate my anger. I hate that. I do that just like you. It sucks
As others have said, unmet expectations, or rather unrealistic expectations and lack of emotional intelligence.
If this is something that happens daily, is a well known cycle and you even recognize it then it is purely internal and has nothing to do with external other than the stimulus happening at the appropriate moment.
Your emotions control you and not the other way around, thus causing the outburst. The regret afterwards is an indication that you know that it was an inappropriate response yet you do nothing to fix the response aside from acknowledge it. You even go on to say that you set yourself reminders every few minutes to keep yourself grounded, yet they don’t always work. Another indication that you have no control of your emotions.
Now comes the not fun part, YOU have to do the introspective journey to determine what the root of the issue is. This may be old trauma chomping at the bit to be recognized or could be unmet needs that are being brushed under the rug that are coming to a head. Either way, WE cannot do this work for you. Maybe reading the book “No more Mr Nice Guy” by Dr Robert Glover will give you some insight into boundaries that are not being met or adhered to by others that are part of the trigger but honestly based on what you have said, this is deeper than that, possibly childhood trauma finally rearing its head. From reading I have done, anger and outbursts are typically emotional disregulation that is manifesting, finding the emotional trigger is the key.
Look, don’t let someone demean you if you’ve found a system that works for you. Also, I too have anger problems. It took a lot of time, soul searching, and self reflection to get a handle on it. And, honestly, it may probably will never be completely handled. It is a part of me that I have to constantly work on.
I realized that a lot of my anger was coming from some childhood trauma. My body, without my mind being fully cognizant of it, was was going into fight or flight mode when there was a trigger. I had the epiphany it was the exact same way I felt when I was just a helpless kid. I realized that subconsciously certain patterns would set me off and put me right back into that emotional state, that anger, that fear, that was disproportional to the situation. Like, maybe I dropped a plate and then the trash bag tore. That’s frustrating, but I wasn’t getting angry at what was happening in that moment. I was reliving and reacting to every single time I was berated and every single time I was made to feel afraid or feel small. Adrenaline would just start to pump into me and I would go from maybe a 5 to 100.
Recognizing those patterns has been huge. It’s given me a short window to recognize that I’m about to have an adrenaline dump. Being cognizant of it, knowing it’s coming, let’s me break the pattern. It’s sometimes a hard stop on whatever activity I’m trying to do. Maybe I go for a walk to cool down, usually just a few minutes is enough to get me past the worst of it. Maybe afterwards I need to have some self care and sit and watch a show, or play a relaxing video game, or read a book.
Lastly, I realized that there was a lot of stress and misplaced anger in my life that I wasn’t confronting. I wasn’t happy with my situation. I felt trapped. I think that played into my triggers. Controlling these outbursts, working towards a better life, making some hard choice, all of these have made incremental progress into living a better and happier life. Being in a better spot and knowing the triggers, their frequency and severity has dropped.
I wish I could say that I’m totally past it but truthfully I probably never will be. Though I am 99% of the time a calm, caring, and loving person; I know have the capacity to really go off the handles in the wrong situation. I still have a long way to go.
I suggest you read the book “The Body Keeps the Score” and if you choose therapy find someone who you are making progress with. Best of luck my friend.
I had the same anger issues. Mine was caused by untreated depression. Maybe see a therapist.
Find a therapist that will not shy away from challenging you and concentrate on you. Not on what others did wrong or seeing the reasoning behind your reaction but really check on your part in the matter. Tell him that you expect this from him/her. I also can heartily recommend a book: The Let Them Theory. Recommended by my therapist. It explains a lot of that behavior and gives practical advice on how to avoid that trap. It’s really about the mind set of what you can actually influence and provides a lot of examples how it works. I am having the same issues and between these two tips I am so much more cool. I hardly encounter situations where it fails. Doesn’t always work (after all you have to still practice), but for me it made a huge differenc3.
You might be doing the wrong type of therapy. Talking it out isn’t always the best solution. It’s not for me. If I find im irritated often its usually because im not active enough. I literally have to burn off steam.
Go hit a bag, swing an axe, go to the batting cages. I find physical work helps put me into perspective. I can bitch and mutter to myself while I get through this task and find that I dont put that mess on other people.
Energy doesn’t dissappear it can only be transferred so if ur feeling bad energy, transfer it to something that doesn’t have feelings.
Make sure your basic needs are being met. Diet, exercise, love, water, etc. if they are, start looking into therapy and go from there. Mindfulness is something that you can look up right now and start doing right now if your looking for a place to start.
For me it was unresolved childhood trauma. I had to tug at that thread for a few years before I got to the spot I’m in now. So how am I different now? Well, I’m more confrontational, but not aggressive, and not emotionally involved with my argument. And when someone else’s argument makes more sense than mine, it’s easier for me to concede to their point of view with grace. And it’s easier for me to tell if my position is objectively better. And if it is, I stick to my guns without being emotionally involved.
Chill Homie, you gotta let that shit go!
—Buddha
my dad always says “dont sweat the small stuff”
I think that when unimportant things start pissing me off.
sort of helps, sort of doesnt
Currently dealing with the same thing it seems. Just had my first day of therapy yesterday and am already skeptical of its efficacy. I wish you well
I don’t have this issue, but there are two components to it. One of them is psychological. Anger is usually a perception that something is unfair. If you intellectually work through these things so that they no longer strike you as unfair or unjust, then you may be less angry about them. For example, you can’t find your keys and you immediately think someone hid them from you so you get angry. Well if someone actually hid your keys on purpose that would be something worth getting angry about but realistically that probably didn’t happen right. You’re getting angry because of something that didn’t actually occur. It’s not just that your keys are missing. You’re angry that you were somehow mistreated in the process. You had an expectation that you would have car keys but you don’t. If you train yourself that it’s not unfairness, it’s just an obstacle in life that has to be overcome like everything else then it won’t necessarily make you angry.
Unfortunately, therapy can be a lot like dating. It can take lots of trial and error to find the right person.
After the anger is gone you realize you just raised your voice and it’s such a stupid small thing
I get this too and I really don’t wanna be like that
You need to take a pause before reacting; take a breathe, think through the outcome you truly desire (being right vs. reaching desired outcome)
If you need to walk away or defer the conversation, do that (if possible)
Self control is the the missing muscle, and like any muscle you’ll need to exercise it in order to make it stronger
Make sure you’re getting enough sleep and eating enough protein. Easy thing to try and see if it helps before escalating.
Are the “little things” real or perceived failures criticisms and/ or inadequacies?
This is what I deal with. I recently realized that I have a “golden boy” mindset. I expect basically perfection from myself, build my identity around it.
When I encounter failure or criticism like this, it feels like my entire being is under attack, crumbling.
Recently, I failed in a way that was so significant and undeniable, hurting people that I care about that I simply had to accept it. It’s been the best thing for me and enabled me to start rebuilding my sense of self around wanting to do good and take care of the people I care about , but not having to be absolutely successful in that in order to be a person worthy of love and kindness. It’s also enabled me to come back stronger in those relationships that I screwed up.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
Are you stacking stressors and then the little things are the straw that broke the camels back or are these triggering events that come outta nowhere?
But also, this line caught my eye:
> I get angry or annoyed sometimes even over nothing then stay in that state for a few minutes. After that regret hits me hard and I feel terrible for hours.
I think you have two issues here and you’re lumping them. The first are the anger moments. Working on listening to your body and recognizing when your blood is starting to boil. It takes time, but it’s very helpful. If you can catch the rising tide and divert it, you’ll never get to the flood of emotions.
But, I think the bigger issue is you feeling terrible for hours about having emotions. You do not need to beat yourself up over getting angry about something. Did you yell at someone, break things, be an asshole? Apologize to them and ask forgiveness. Don’t wallow in those negative emotions. Communicate with whoever you’re angry with. But, if all you did was get angry and then recognize it and start working to calm yourself, my dude you ain’t done nothing wrong.
You had emotions and THATS OKAY. I get pissed a hell nearly every day over something. A good example is litter in my neighborhood. I fucking hate it and I get mad every time I see it. So what do I do? I bitch loudly to my wife and then go focus my emotions into cleaning up the litter.
Lots of talk of therapists here. Therapists can’t officially diagnose and can’t prescribe. Therapy can be a valuable treatment, but you may want to seek an evaluation with a psychiatrist if you think your issue is severe.
Edit: Also, consider if there’s anything else in your life that may be causing this. Not just psychological things but concrete things too. Just as an example, a family member had something fairly similar going on – turned out to be the sleeping pills they were prescribed (and were taking as prescribed, no abuse). They stopped taking them, problem went away instantly.
I used to be the same. Realise you’re just fucking yourself over every single time. That whole count to ten works. Or to just say when you feel like that, sorry excuse me for a second I need to do xyz and calm down. You can never be a winner if you can’t control yourself. It’ll take time, but everything good takes tiem
It’s expectations.
Let go of what you hope or expect the outcome to be. And your anger will disappear.
Stop trying to plan for a future. You cannot affect outcomes. You can only control your actions. Everything else is up to the universe.
sounds like you need a date.
Reformed rage-filled beast here.
You will find your life much improved if you learn not to do this. It is counter-productive to say the least. Does it help matters any?
Also, If you do this around other people, they won’t like you as much.
I could go on an on about this, but I’ll leave it at that for now.
For me it turned out to be undiagnosed adhd. I started on some low dose meds and the little anger explosions vanished instantly.
You’re only constantly moving forward, trying to tuck things in and unknowingly cracking at convenient times to those you’re comfortable with, because you know they’ll absorb it, and every time you do it, you teach yourself it’s okay to do that. It’s easy to get angry just as it’s easy to fk up a project if you’re doing it in 5 minutes.
Give yourself the space in the moment, breathe and don’t spiral, feel it, own it, see that it’s okay and that your frustration stems from having done X or Y the same way time and time again. Did you expect to get it right the first time every time because you’ve done it before? Is someone not going as fast as you’d like because it’s their first time? There are so many variables to explore should you be curious and not want to take the easy way out, berating and vomiting all over someone for them to absorb, but at least you got it off your chest, right?
Channel it, go outside, drop for 100 push ups, but it’s on you to pull yourself out and once you see how easy it is, there will be no pull, only a flip of a switch. Our minds have the scary capacity to zoom very much into a situation, but we can also zoom out and you should get good with that dial, like you said it doesn’t matter 5 minutes later. Whenever someone gets angry around me now, as embarrassing as they are, I just stare at them blankly because that’s not my reality. I actually feel sad for them knowing all of this that they don’t, but explaining it in the moment isn’t what I’m about either.
You’re not in the moment. You’re somewhere else. There’s an eternity between something happening and you reacting. Full that moment and take a breath. Acknowledge what you feel emotionally and physically in that moment. Don’t judge it, just reflect on it.