29M. Ive been a loser all my life. Ugly. Fat. Aggressively bullied. Have had so many embarrasing experiences and rock bottom moments. Didnt have a dad so never was taught how to be a man. Grew up moaning, whining and complaining my whole life like a girl. Zero confidence. Social anxiety. Panic attacks. Cowardice. Hypocrticial. Dishonest. All show and talk with no hard work. Insecure. Trauma. Im just a whimpy, gutless little incel.
Although I was a straight-A top student. Graduated and got a pretty great job for past few years. But thats it. And it was luck. And most of the time Im just drifting by, no smarts to back it up.
I just hate myself looking in the mirror. I wish I could be an accomplished, strong, grounded, successful man. But everytime I try to plan and start, I get derailed.
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Look, it’s obvious that you have an extremely low opinion of yourself. You don’t “man up”, that’s not a thing. You go to therapy and do the hard work. That’s it. There are no shortcuts.
Start with how you talk to yourself. You’re not a loser. We all have challenges and we all have the ability to improve our lives. You’re not gonna hate yourself into changing. You’ve gotta love yourself enough to start making small changes sustained over time.
There is no trick to it. You have to decide to become the sort of man that you would admire, and then you have to keep making that decision every day. One day you will find that what was once difficult for you has now become second nature.
You CAN do it.
Genuinely, I would consider therapy.
Personally, I think concepts like “man up” and “loser” are harmful frameworks for self talk. But either way, the issue isn’t how you are—it’s how you treat yourself.
You’re honest. Self-aware. Humble. And real as fuck.
Haven’t met a motherfucker like that in roughly 6-7 years.
You are one of the examples to be followed my friend.
“Winning” is a lie. You already got it, just didn’t realize it yet.
-Obviously, start going to the gym and monitoring your daily caloric intake. This will make you less ugly and fat and more confident, maybe even good looking, who knows?
-Start accumulating real accomplishments. Pick something realistic that you can accomplish in a couple months or a year and do it. Keep working at it even on days that you don’t feel like it.
-You can’t make everyone like you, and it’s better to be alone than to tolerate people that openly disrespect you. Find a different job and social circle if you have to. Social skills require practice. Find situations where you can meet new people.
Find new friends. Surround yourself with people that help lift you up, not push you down. Then do the rest of the work. These guys are right.
By becoming better. You may have those issues, but only you decide who you become and who you are. A Man is not defined by his material possesions nor money, nor attractiveness. A Man is defined by His Courage, by his Strength, by his Integrity, by his Honesty, and by his Moral Values, Ethics, and Principles. I still have so much to learn about it, and I hope to learn it all, but it there’s one truth, it’s that the only thing that you can do with what you are right now, is to change.
One becomes a Man when he Faces his Fears, do What’s Right, no matter how painful or difficult, and takes cares of his reponsibilities. As I said, I still have a lot to learn. But you cannot just stay where you and just accept it like that. Grow Stronger, Learn from your mistakes, and be better. That’s the only thing we can do. We all must do it.
I really recommend a therapy. And again, A man is not measured by his Money, nor his Wealth, Nor His Appareance. Is measured by His Heart and Soul.
I’m sure you’re going to get a lot of happy campers and neurotypical nellies regurgitating self-help book excerpts at you, so I’m going to take a different approach.
I also hated myself. Like well and truly. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. Still do, to an extent. There wasn’t a single aspect of who I was that I liked, let alone loved.
What helped me wasn’t all the trite bullshit being fed to me by people who couldn’t possibly understand what it’s like to feel nothing but scorn for yourself. What I did was hit the gym, find social clubs revolving around my hobbies, take up new ones and basically just kept myself busy and immersed in socialisation and escapism.
I took an approach of “fuck it, we ball” with just about everything. I took risks, took chances, met new people and put myself out there. Not out of any self-love or extreme extroversion, but out of a “what more do I have to lose” mentality. And, through that, I got to experience things and make connections I wouldn’t have made otherwise.
Am I fully happy and fulfilled? No. My brain is broken and it’ll never be that easy. But I have more good days than I did back when I was at my lowest. And, when you’re truly full of self-loathing, that can make all the difference in the world.
You don’t need to “man-up”, turn Super Saiyan or anything. You need to get some therapy to improve your mental health and do exercises to improve your physical health. Do it for your sake and not for others. Life is unfair, some people are born with great genetics, possess incredible abilities or simply luck out, but the rest have to work hard and find their own footing. Another thing that could help you out is stop using “like a girl” as an insult or an indicator of weakness.
The fact youre willing to call out so many flaws on your own shows a lot ykno? I worry about the ones who say “nah i got this, im the shit!” Cause they coast into a deep hole before they know it.
My first advice: give yourself a break! Youve got room to grow, acknowledge that and the hard part is over.
And dont bully yourself! You can motivate yourself to get out of bed by telling yourself “get outa bed fatasa!” OR you could say “ok buddy its time to get up, lets do this!” And the end result is the same: you get out of bed or you dont. Shitting on yourself is an extra, and a waste.
Best wishes. I look forward to an update.
Everyone else has hit the perfect points. But one place I think I can add – that nice job you got wasn’t luck. You got it for who you are. I had that same thought in my initial job that started my career… and every job after. I needed to remember I showed them who they wanted to see. You did the same, because it was in you. That mentality you had getting the job? That’s the one you keep
I had a somewhat similar childhood. For me, leaning into responsibility helped the most (at work, personally, everywhere). That and doing the little things consistently, like making my bed, getting up early and taking the dog for a long walk, etc. This probably sounds silly, but it helped a ton.
A few things.
Every rock bottom has a trap door. You can ALWAYS take yourself lower. Don’t do that.
You don’t have to achieve all your goals at once. I’m pushing 40 and I still have a lot to learn and accomplish.
This is one that has helped me. Try to start accomplishing your physical goals (strength, lose weight, learn a new physical skill, etc) first. For me anyways, these tend to improve my self worth as well as my perceived worth to society, it also helps you learn how to bite off a little bit at a time. It’s a massive confidence booster when you FEEL good about yourself.
The big secret is: NOBODY has it all figured out. I drifted for years, in and out of jail and prison, through heroin and fentanyl addiction, and a bunch of other horrible shit. Now, I’m absolutely not recommending any of that. My point is, sometimes you have to drift until you find your purpose. Which brings me to #5.
Find a purpose. It may take you another 5 years, or 10. Hopefully not that long, but you will find something that drives you, helps others, and makes waking up every day worth it. Once you find what you were put here for, things (not everything) will start to make sense and fall somewhat into place. You still have to make the effort, though, and that means branching out and trying new things….especially if they terrify you.
I think more dudes drift than you realize, even if they’re conventionally successful. You have to help yourself, make your own “luck”, and here’s a big one: ask for help when you need it. There’s tons of folks out there that don’t have it all figured out. You’re not alone in that.
Quit the negative self-talk and talk to yourself like youre someone you’d like to help.
Every day is a new day.
Every hour is a new hour.
I am ugly…like a 2….
That bothered me for years
And then I grew out of it
You need to be nice to yourself.
You decide what makes you successful.
Is it money?
Is it being happy?
Is it both?
You are 29.
You have a lifetime ahead of you
I met my wife when I was 31.
Your life is not over
That’s a lot to unpack. I think it’s not about how, but about where to start. “Every-time I try to plan and start, I get derailed.”
You are bound to fail when you try and juggle everything from self confidence to fitness to changing your character and your image.
BUT….
I honestly believe that you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Let’s start with the positives, you got two feet and two arms and a great job, no matter how you want to play it, you’re not homeless and you’re not disabled. Not a jab to anyone else, but you need to be grateful for that.
Now, I think you should narrow things down to the ONE focus that will give you the MOST impact. And from what I am reading, it seems like fitness can change you a lot. It did for me. My self-confidence, character, and appearance all changed when I just locked down and focused on diet and gym. Building muscle, you might question why is it necessary when you’re ugly and low self esteem? But I can tell you it’s not just about the muscles or getting leaner, but about stacking the building blocks necessary to instill character, consistency, and determination into your mind as well. Going to the gym is going to make you uncomfortable. I bet it was why you got derailed. But do you want to be uncomfortable where you are NOW and doing nothing about it, or uncomfortable but you’re aiming towards a goal of being a better you? Going to the gym every day is a hassle. It builds consistency. Rain or shine. Healthy or sick. Hit the gym. Sad or happy. No confidence, dishonest, cowardly, hypocritical, or not. Hit the gym. Bro, it’s going to suck, but it’s work. You say you’re all show and no work, but here’s the opportunity to change that. Put. In. The. Work. The opportunity is presenting itself. If you’re lost, hire a gym trainer once or twice a month. Figure out a routine with him and start kicking ass.
And last of all, stop looking at yourself in the mirror and saying you’re a deadbeat loser as if the game is over. Start looking in the mirror and saying you’re a work in progress.
I know this is hard to process but loving who you are today enough to grow is the key, in my opinion. If you want more go for more. Read more, workout, volunteer, work on your conversation skills by talking to everyone, just commit to being the best version of yourself no matter how you feel.
Man, I kinda know where you’re coming from. I tried to do a little more each day than before and each day I did something productive. Don’t go buying a gym membership yet. Set a goal to walk X amount. And it s a great way to learn to change lifestyle habits. It’s a lot more than food you need to fix.
You have to start somewhere. Home depot teaches classes you an take for basic plumbing, electrical skills, etc…
It sounds like what you need is some self confidence in ahead you see as manly skills. Start off small. Go learn some basic plumbing.
First things first, stop calling yourself a loser.
Self deprecating jokes are fine, I like them myself. But never, never put yourself down in a serious manner. If you call yourself a loser, how else do you think other people are going to see you?
You are the only constant for yourself in life. Respect yourself, love yourself, believe in yourself. Not to a point where you become delusional, always be realistic but realism does not mean pessimism.
Secondly, you’re saying you’re fat. Now this is something you can change, no excuses. Don’t wait for someone else to come and pick you up. You’re going to have to dig your way out.
You don’t like the face you see in the mirror? Then change it. Lose the weight, start working out. Most people are not naturally ugly, they’re just out of shape and not taking good care of themselves.
It’s very important to be happy with the face you see when you look into the mirror. When that happens, you start going out more, be more social.
People want to be around confident, happy people. Notice how all social people will always be smiling a lot. Smiling is infectious, you want to be around people who are happy.
How you carry yourself, present yourself will determine who you are to the world. No one can see right through you, they can only see what you show them.
You don’t get straight-A’s and a great job just by luck. So you have something powerful going for you that many don’t. You have other things you don’t like about yourself, like your weight, looks, confidence. Those you can work on. (As the old saying goes, “you can’t fix stupid,” so being smart is a huge advantage for you in life.) And it may not feel like it but you are still young. You have your whole life ahead of you. I agree with another comment here which is get into therapy. If you have been bullied for so long and developed a bad self-image over time you need professional help turning that around. And you may need medication to help deal with anxiety and so on. (I have been on antidepressants for decades, no shame in that) so see a doctor and take their advice. The foundation of your future is to start by being kind to yourself and realize your own self-worth. You need to set realistic goals and work toward them. Progress may be slow but that is okay, slow progress over a year can have amazing results. My “fatherly” advice is that real men don’t gauge their self-image and self-worth by what others think. You need to give yourself a break, focus on caring for yourself and working toward your own goals and be patient, and ignore the haters. And remember at all times, character matters much more in “being a man” than looks, weight, or anything else. So you can do this.
If you have a good job then hold onto that and build from there. Think about what you want to be and make small, actionable tasks that lead towards that goal. Don’t want to do a task or it’s too hard? Then you need to break it down and do it in parts.
Having a good job is huge and I bet you’re smarter than you think you are. It’s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them and it’s ok to think you’re a little dumb because then it means you’re more cautious.
What’s one thing you can do today that will help you become more like the person you want to be?
Learn to give yourself grace. The fact that you recognize your desire to change, and better yourself is the start.
It’s going to take time. Don’t allow someone’s definition of success to be yours.
Mmmk there’s some serious psychology to untangle here. If you actually want advice, here are hot takes I really hope you take to heart:
-you were treated like a loser, that doesn’t mean you are or are not anything. ie you can choose to not believe it any longer
-what you want is to be confident and secure, not to be ‘the opposite of a girl’ or ‘a manly man’. Trust me. Let go of that comparison. Any man or woman who is secure, confident, and strong is impressive as fuck and gains respect (and feels self-respect).
-for the love of fuck do not get sucked into ‘alpha male’ propaganda bullshit. But by all means, get fit, get strong, feel alive and ‘like a man’, just don’t be the fool who thinks that also means you have to treat anyone like shit.
-start doing things, start learning skills (any kind), start moving your body (you’ll feel way fucking better very quickly on this alone)
-do not try to jump to the conclusion of being a ‘successful accomplished man’. Rather, commit to the pursuit of improving yourself, and you’ll find you feel way better just be making that effort.
Nobody is above you or below regardless of what external validators they have.
Loser above all, is a state of mind.
Straight A student and you’ve got a good job but you attribute it to luck? That wasn’t locked me and that was your work you were able to focus and do that. Now just one at a time pick a different attribute and improve on it. First thing I would start with is your physical fitness as that will not only help you feel better about yourself but it’ll also improve your health which there’s nothing more important. But yeah first stop selling yourself short you got good grades and you got a good job those are huge accomplishments. Give yourself some credit and I’ll pick the next thing you want to do well at and then take it a day at a time.
First apologize to yourself. You arent a loser. You right now are a mixture of your genetics, luck and upbringing. The good news is you have a good job and you are young. My suggestion would be find a therapist that you like and work through your feelings and work towards building habits to become the person you want to be. My only other suggestion is to try and find a hobby that makes you happy and engross yourself in it. Bonus points if it’s a physically demanding hobby. The mental benefits of physical activity are more than you could ever imagine until you experience.
I know a trick that helps, 1300 calories a day. Get a kitchen scale, measure or weigh everything you eat. Try to have 5 tiny meals to get you through the day. Don’t cheat, don’t lie to yourself. Call it a fast, pretend you’re rationing in the midst of a disaster, whatever you need to convince yourself.
If you can keep this going for 5 days you will see progress, progress that can inspire you to keep trying. You will feel better.
People have irrational ideas about mealtime portions. Counting it out will recalibrate your idea of how much to properly consume. The right amount can become a habit that you will want to sustain.
I would start with the weight issue, it’s tangential to so many others and we have direct control of it. Unlike just about anything else in our lives, we have control over what we eat.
Also I would recommend as much fruit and vegetables as possible because more chewing fiber and less caloric density really helps
First things first. Your internal dialog sucks buddy. Be kind to yourself, the way you think and talk to yourself is a massive component of building self confidence. Second, there’s no blueprint to being a “man”. When you think of what a GOOD man is, what does that look like to you? Internalize that and let it affect the way you carry yourself and interact with the world around you. To me, a good man takes care of himself so he can take care of others, whether that be your loved ones or complete strangers, it’s really not all that different. Take inventory of your morals and convictions and when you see injustice to those standards, stand up for them. It’s fine to piss and moan about stuff, but don’t let it be just that, do something about it. Life is almost never going to feel the way you think it aught to. So practice contention with the present, plan for the future, and use the past to make educated decisions about it. You’re gonna be just fine, I promise. Tough times make tough people, use the way you feel now and have in the past to bolster the strength you need to make tomorrow better. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it!
If you hate yourself that much, that gives an unspoken pass to everybody treating you like that.
Self-hate is poison (so in narcissism), but in your case, squish all intrusive thoughts of self-hate. It will take a lot of effort, but one day you’ll wake up and realize your “ugly and fat” face and body are worth fighting for. Its a long journey and evetyhing will slowly fall in its place.
Dont get discouraged if a year from now you’re not the men you want to be and revert back. Just keep building up. Its realy tiny steps most guys mentioned here, done over long periods of time.
Don’t compare yourself to anybody, do what doesn’t feel unnatural to you, and just get out fo the hosue and do stuff. And don’t worry, nobody is thinking about you in the same light you think of yourself. Nobdoy thinks about anyone really. So you’re free to join a club if interested, talk with people and build friendships, join a gym, get a haircut, and be vigilant with hygiene.
You feel like a loser because you quit on yourself and lost yourself in the process. Nobody is going to save you; you’ll have to count only on yourself. That’s when you become the man – when you rely on yourself.
You got this. Just don’t quit on yourself.
Why ‘man up’? Plenty of women aren’t losers.
When you wake up, the first thing you do is think of 4 things you’re grateful for. Don’t open social media, and ensure you get 8 hours of sleep if possible.
Eat healthy, and work out. Start small, do it right, and progress as you get better.
Never talk bad about yourself, even in jest/joke.
Have a positive, can do mind set and make it so.
You have to find men who have the qualities that you desire and get around them figure out what is in their character. Find mentorship. Don’t stop this will take you the rest of your life.
You are building your base. A good job, and higher education are important foundations for a great life. You already have achieved much. You can feel proud of these things.
If there is one piece of advice I would have given myself it was think twice when given the opportunity to speak or contribute. Listen more and jump in less. Is it really necessary to add my 2 cents? Not having to defend your position constantly and being a more quiet observer of the current shit show is one way to quieten a riotous mind.
Hooo boy. You’re gonna trigger a lot of low-to-mid-tier dudes with the “man up” stuff.
You’ve already started, though. You are taking responsibility for the state of your life. Now do something about it.
You’ve listed out what you think is flawed. Set small, progressive goals and get to work smashing them.
You got this buddy. Plenty of people have done it. Don’t convince yourself it’s impossible.
Watch John Wayne & Clint Eastwood movies. Listen to Don Frye interviews and watch his fights. Maybe some Ted Williams interviews.
You gotta figure out how men talk, act and live. Yer basically researching a role that you are going to live until you believe your own gimmick and it actually becomes you.
Set realistic goals for yer diet and exercise. Knocking down several small goals on your way to a milestone goal will give a sense of accomplishment and build confidence.
A straight-A student and a great job isn’t nothing. The basis for a great adult life is having a steady job. Having a dad doesn’t automatically mean you know how to be a man. Sometimes all you get out of it is a person you know you don’t want to be like.
Th advice I would give you would be to choose something outside of work you want to get better at. Start doing things to get better at it and don’t stop. Like the baboon in Bojack Horseman said, “It gets easier, but you have to do it everyday. That’s the hard part.”
From my experience, you don’t become one if you are not fated to be one.
You are that man! Envision that man doing all the things you believe he will and should be doing. Would the man be doing what you are doing now? It will feel disengenious at first but eventually it’ll become second nature. Hit the gym and study up how nutrition works. Try day fast.
Just be yourself, l mean the positive one, whether you are fit for the stereotype of what is a man doesn’t matter.
Dude. You have a good job, and not because you lucked into it. Straight A’s mean something. Because it may have been easy for you doesn’t diminish the accomplishment.
Some things I can offer from a life lived:
Drink less. I’m not saying don’t drink, but speaking from a place of experience, you’ll want to limit your alcohol consumption. If you’re in that camp, this also applies to cannabis.
Go to fucking bed. Get up early. As I tell my sons (and anyone else who will listen), the world belongs to the early birds. Being the first dude at the office counts for something, and forcing yourself out of bed early will help you get to bed early.
As to dating, women, etc: Read “The Game” by Neill Strauss. This may be an unpopular opinion among the enlightened Gen Z crowd, but there is a lot of wisdom in that book about how to interact with the opposite sex. Just like any powerful knowledge, it can be used for evil, but don’t be that guy. Take the good parts of it and make yourself more accessible to the gals.
Drink water. Go for a walk. It’s literally that simple. One pound of fat is 3500 calories. If you skip one 12-ounce coke a day for a month, you’ve lost a pound. If you skip one coke, weigh 250 lbs and walk for a half hour every day, that’s 4 pounds in a month. I say all this with the full knowledge that I live in a glass house, but I’m finding it relatively easy to make small, incremental changes to my lifestyle, and I’m seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.
Go on and get the life you want. It’s simple, but it sure isn’t easy.
Lift some weights. Confidence goes up and you feel good about yourself physically and mentally
A “man” can still have all those things u have mentioned . What constitutes what being a man means to you.
Your last paragraph – lean into that.
When you look in the mirror, talk to your reflection. Really look at yourself, really feel those feelings, and get mad. Get mad at yourself, get mad at your reflection, get mad at what you’ve done in the past, get mad at all of it….
Then get to work. Because bud, nobody’s coming to save you. They’re not. It’s up to you.
Anger can be a great fuel. Keep that anger on standby for when you’re falling off. Tap into it.
Act “as if”. You said you didn’t have a fatherly role model…. Make one up. Favorite character from a show/movie/game/person in your life/whatever. Act as if they would. What would they do? When you’re out and about, how would they carry themselves? How would they act towards other, how about towards themselves?
There are a ton of layers to the issues you have, no doubt. A lot of other great advice here (get in the gym, read, hone skills, get a better job)…. All great advice. But you have to choose to do these things, and right now you’re so far in your own head you can’t see straight.
Make the choice. Make it every other second of every day if you have to. Choose to better yourself, and hold yourself accountable. The intervals will slowly (very slowly) get longer over time. Soon you’ll have gone a whole day without flying off the rails or having an emotional upheaval. It WILL happen. But you have to commit and make the choice that you’re done with the old you. You’re shedding that person.
It’s gonna sucl, it’d gonna be painful. There’s going to be a strange grieving process where you mourn your old self. Keep going regardless.
Bud, it all comes down to mindset, and your perspective. The fact that you’re here posting about this means you’re already heading in the right direction. You will make mistakes, you will backslide, but as long as you don’t give up on yourself you absolutely will move to that next level. The only person holding you back is you, and whatever choices you decide to make.
No more excuses, no more bullshit. You’re worth it, now go act as if you’re worth it.
Tomorrow’s the first day of the rest of your life, dress accordingly. I wish you the best
Beating yourself up and saying negative things to yourself will only add to the downward spiral you are in. Therapy would be amazing, but it can also be costly and it is not a one and done, but it will help.
Here is what I use for myself, super simple hacks:
It’s hard, its uncomfortable and you are going to hate it, but in the end it will be worth the hard work and the effort.
Find one thing you DO (not know) and figure out a way to build a sense of pride from doing it. That one thing could be anything—baking a great loaf of bread, washing cars, cutting grass, making dolls, it doesn’t matter—but it’s YOURS. Be good at it and recognize that you could be better at it. Work to improve.
Then teach someone else to do it. Let them make mistakes. Share when you made the same mistake and what you learned from it, and what you did to improve. Psychology calls this the generative phase. It’s the point at which you start contributing as much as you’ve taken, but without any consideration as to how you might benefit. Lift up someone else. Learn who you are as you do that. You are not an island, you’re not special, you aren’t unique. You’re human, which means you’re uniquely flawed AND uniquely capable of turning those flaws into contributions. Look outside yourself for opportunities to make a mark.
If you’re smart you can learn how to lose fat and get jacked among the other things it takes to not be a big fat pussy.
If you’re hate where you are you can be motivated enough to do something about it.
I kind of want to offer my help but I also don’t want my time wasted.
As one ugly person to another, can’t change this so get it out of your head. However there are other things you can change about yourself. If weight is something you hate, change diet and exercise. There are no shortcuts to it. Socially awkward? Go out and force yourself to talk to people. With time you will build confidence. Get out of your own head is probably my biggest advice.
thing is, you recognize the issue. if you were oblivious, that would be one thing, but you’re not. so you are NOT hopeless.
you know you are overweight so address that.
you know you have bad habits, so address them too.
you might not have had a dad, but based on what you wrote, you would be able to tell me what you think a dad would teach you, right? like resilience, confidence, standing up for yourself. you are able to learn these, it just takes effort.
don’t have motivation to use effort? that can be addressed as well. but it all cones down to you and your choices to fix it.
Hey bro. You’re me at 29.
Working on something for me helped a lot. I did the same fitness, healthy eating, discipline, water intake everyone else lists
But as I’m older I say / the focus is close, but one priority twist.
I’d say prioritize the therapy pieces. And I mean – hard. Take it seriously. Ask about EMDR. Don’t just show up once a week, do the journaling exercises. Come with questions!
It’s the most direct way you can water your garden.
Getting derailed is fine and part of life. The trick is consciously returning back to those plans because you want the result bad enough.
How do you go about doing that? Figure out whether external or internal accountability works better for you and set up a system for that.
Therapy!! It will help to talk to a professional about these topics ❤️
Start with exercise and fixing your diet. You can do calisthenics at home then graduate to a gym if you want.
At the same time maybe you like feeling miserable so who knows until you make the decision to change for yourself.
Ok, so here is the thing, the most important thing is to be responsible with yourself.
You have a lot of inner work to do, but you took a step and identified all of it, now you have to catch yourself when you exhibit that behavior and stop dead in your tracks, reconsider what you are about to do and change course for something that you think would be a better option.
Hold yourself accountable, being a man is not about “stoicism” or bottling up your emotions, being a man is about having principles, a strong moral compass and doing what’s right even if you have to grit your teeth while doing it.
Complaining is allowed, but limit it because people don’t like it, you can talk with your friends, let them know that even though you complain about things, it does not mean you won’t follow through and actually follow through.
I had this conversation with my roomate yesterday, I like to complain because it’s one of the few ways I vent, I don’t complain like throwing a tantrum, more like an exaggerated “What a chore this is” but then proceed to do everything right.
She was pissed at me because she thought it was a real complain, I had to explain to her that I was just tired and just wanted to let some steam off, it is a kind of twisted joke to me because I feel like a kid having to go to school, but doesn’t mean I will fail at my obligations because I acquired a responsibility with her, I still apologized because it made her feel uncomfortable.
Anyways, sidetrack off, just practice accountability, try to find ways to build your life, improve yourself for yourself, you are your best companion, your best date, your best friend, do good for yourself and always strive to do good for others. You deserve it.
Here’s how describe it:
I have two people inside of me. The one that wakes up and wants to do nothing but play video games and have zero responsibilities and the one that wakes up and punches that guy in the face. It doesn’t happen over night but the wolf you feed wins.
Start learning boxing, and commit. I promise you the intense workout and abilities you’ll learn will improve your confidence. If you’re serious about making these kind of changes, you need to dedicate your time to a consistent physical skill.
Start working out now, like today. Start somewhat slow and ramp it up a bit each week.
Start getting your diet right. Lean meats, veggies, fruit and only whole grains. Nothing with added sugar.
I guarantee that within a month you will feel WAY better. Within 3 months you’ll look WAY better. Within 6 months you’ll be a different person.
Essentially everything else will start falling into place after that regarding confidence, outlook and relationships.
Read the book psychocynernetics. It’ll change your life and mindset.
Look, I don’t think therapy is the answer for everyone, but from this post I believe CBT therapy could unlock quite a lot of amazing things for you.
I would really very strongly urge you to try it out.
Sounds like you need a lil push. Get a personal trainer, get a life coach. Put your money where your mouth is! Let’s see what happens in 6 months!
The reason for this:
> I try to plan and start, I get derailed.
Is this:
> I just hate myself
Hating yourself is basically taking the self sabotage dial and cranking it up to 1000. You’ll wreck yourself over the tiniest and most understandable of small mistakes. You’ll judge yourself more harshly than you would ever judge a normal person or someone you cared about. Even if you improve yourself while feeling like this it will never make you happy or feel like enough.
It’s going to sound cliche but you need to learn to be kind to yourself. You may be out of shape and you may not be conventionally attractive and you may suffer from panic attacks. Does that really make you deserving of hate? If you had a friend who was trying despite all these things is that how you would treat them? I’d hope not.
Stop judging yourself for not being the finished article and allow yourself to feel good about being someone who tries. Adopt the mentality that success is not a destination but a way of being every day. As long as you can take the very small steps needed to be better each day you can go to bed proud of yourself. If you dont make it that day? Don’t wallow in self pity, just wake up in the morning and set it right again.
I guarantee you it’s the fastest way to the positive self image you are searching for.
Firstly, I have to call you out on the “like a girl” comparator. There’s no call to demean the fairer sex for what you see as failures of character. Quit that shit.
Secondly. Congratulate yourself for having self reflection, being aware of your shortcomings, and asking others for help. I mean it, it’s important to acknowledge your strengths, even when, or especially when you’re struggling to see them. You got good marks and a job, so you’ve clearly got some intelligence, work ethic and others find things you contribute to be of value, so you’re coming from a solid base.
Thirdly. Try to get better at recognising self sabotage. A big part of cognitive behavioural therapy is recognising when you’re in a negative self talk cycle and then deliberately doing something to interrupt that. When you’re calling yourself ugly, or useless or cowardly, or getting irrationally angry. Notice it, and stop. Take a breath, tap your fingers together, get a glass of water. Anything to reinforce that you recognised and interrupted an unhelpful pattern. If you can’t see value in you, no one else will. There’s no such thing as involuntary celibacy, it’s voluntary based on the actions you choose to take. So stop talking yourself down.
Fourthly. Choose 1 goal. You might see a number of areas that you want to improve, ai want you to choose just 1 for the next month, and only work to that, but do it consistently. Don’t get caught in planning too much, perfect is the enemy of good, and action is more important. So if your goal is weight loss, don’t spend the next month working on the perfect diet and exercise plan, just act. Go for a walk, throw out any junk food in the house, whatever, you can build the plan as you go, because the only path to success in anything is consistency. Which brings us to:
Fifth: no non-zero days. What do I mean? I mean any action oriented toward your 1 goal is something to congratulate yourself for. There are going to be days that you feel like shit, you don’t want to go to the gym, you don’t want to go for that run. Rather than berating yourself for not. Doing a full workout, or quitting for only going half a mile when you wanted to do 5, acknowledg ethat set backs are part of the journey, and congratulate yourself for lacing up your shoes and getting out the door EVEN IF THAT’S ALL YOU DO. It’s a non-zero day toward your goal and that’s infinitely better than nothing. Writing half a page a day gets you a decent sized epic novel if you do it consistently for a couple of years.
Choosing 1 goal and working consistently to it will help with the habit, and make you feel better about taking on more, particularly physical goals. They can hurt so feel like self punishment! But also burn off cortisol the stress hormone.
We all feel like frauds to some extent some of the time. I can guarantee that most of the confident people you see around you and may be jealous of are all being eaten away by their own self doubts and embarrassment of their own failings. I’m convinced at the age of 47 that most people, certainly the ones I respect are doing “fake it til you make it” to some extent. Don’t compare your blooper reel to other people’s highlight reel.
Finally, don’t feel any stigma from talking to a therapist about why you’re feeling the way you are. All my life I’ve watched my best mate self sabotage by saying many of the same things you are. This is a guy who is fitter than me, better looking than me, smarter than me, and he can’t hold down a job or relationship solely through constant negative self talk and not believing himself to be good enough. He carried me through high school and college, and it breaks my heart to watch his self fulfilling prohecy of being convinced he’s a failure. It comes from childhood family trauma, and I can’t fix that.
Good luck, I genuinely believe in you. Remember 1 achievable goal for the next month, and action toward that in any form every single day.
Discipline over motivation. Get up early. Go for a walk. Come home and eat something healthy and pack a healthy lunch. One cheat day on the weekend. Start making good habits. Personal trainer was a cheat code. I had somewhere to be. Someone to push me. Someone to look up to and model healthy behaviors.
Adversity, and how you handle it, is what defines you.
Here’s a few things to consider to help you get closer to where you want to be: 1) therapy, 2) working out, 3) meditation.
Start small and build up. Begin by eating a more healthy, balanced diet, consult a dietitian if needed. Then, at some point, start exercising. You will feel completely differently in a healthy body. Then start meditating, go to some hiking club or something else… don’t do it all at once obviously though, overnight changes don’t stick, it’s more about being better 1% every day.
A loser isn’t a person who doesn’t win. Plenty of winners mostly lose. A loser is someone who loses once or twice or a few times and lets that be their record. Winners try again. Winners lose again. Winners adapt their game. Winners ask for help. Winners lean on their support. Winners keep trying. Winners keep losing. Eventually, a winner will try do much that the winner wins. And then they lose some more, and maybe they win again, but the winner keeps going. The loser loses and does nothing else. The winner loses and insists on something else.
Two words. Actually three. Therapist and personal trainer. Seriously. You have a lot of issues you should talk about with a therapist, and there is no shame in that. It will help you immensely. And get a trainer. Nothing will make you feel better faster than getting in shape. Not to be ripped, or bulked or any of that. Just to feel good in your own skin. Good luck.
Derailed by… what?
I think going to the gym is step #1 and putting all of your energy into it. If you are healthy enough to. Totally understand if you have health issues that make that hard, since I’m in the same boat.
But I still try even though it makes me like borderline violently physically ill
Go to therapy.
Go to the gym. Get a food scale and use Macrofactor to lose fat, check out the FAQ in r/fitness to learn how to lift weights and start cardio. Barbell Medicine is a great resource as well.
Strongly recommend checking out the Healthy Gamer Youtube channel as well. Check out some of their playlists to start.
Stop using toxic phrases like “man up” and “loser” and learn to love yourself. Really learn.
You just do it. But don’t overdo it to over compensate. No need to go full blown macho. Be confident in yourself. You’re obviously a smart guy and you need to realize that. As adults we generally don’t bully each other. Be friendly and confident but not arrogant. I think to start you just need to become comfortable in your own skin, which begins with realizing that everyone has their own shit going on and at the end of the day we really aren’t judging or paying attention to other strangers.
Be friendly and people will be friendly back. Don’t be a dick to others and generally others won’t be dicks to you. If they are dicks to you, then they are probably insecure themselves and you don’t need to worry about them.
Little steps my friends. Make achievable goals and go start hitting them. Ur not even 30 yet so there’s plenty of time to get ur life where u want it
If being fat bothers you, it can be changed with some hard work and discipline. This alone should help change ur mindset seeing progress. Start small, too much too soon you’ll burn out and get frustrated. A good routine is key. If u don’t fancy gym get walking. Anyone can walk and an hour a day is good or the gym if u can
When ur talking about urself so negatively you’ll never succeed. Believe u can make the changes u need to in ur life. Try to stop the dishonest behavior. I find writing stuff down to help, maybe keep a journal of what ur doing right or wrong. Take control of ur life at 30. Good luck
A couple things I notice, you seem to have an image of yourself as an incel. Be careful of overcorrecting and idealizing an opposite vision of masculinity where you feel you have to out-alpha everyone and dominate. I also notice you said “complain like a girl”. This is disrespectful to women and an overall mindset that you definitely want to avoid. That said, try to make a list of improvements you’d like to see and what your plan of action is to get there. Is it to lose weight? Be more educated? Improve fashion? Now here is the key thing. The biggest problem I see in myself and others is a failure to create an apparatus to execute the plan. People think of a plan then rely solely on their memory to get it done. Memory isn’t good enough. You have to have a system to remind yourself. Even if it takes 30 alarms on your phone. Make a reminder to clean your room. Make a reminder to go to the gym. Make a reminder to read your book.
You got a great job so that means great health insurance. Get a therapist.
College. I worked with a very nice guy like you and he was an attorney. That’s the answer.
Read Atomic Habits.
The premise is to make a change in your life you first have to change your identity then put the right habits in place.
Say you want to be manly? Maybe you think doing car maintenance is manly?
Right, now you’re the kind of person that does their own car maintenance.
Take the wheels off and inspect the brakes. Check the oil. Cabin filter etc. You can do all this today.
From now on you always do your own car maintenance. Buy an older simpler car if needed. YouTube is your friend.
First time it will be slow and clearly you don’t know what you’re doing. You’re a pretender. But you learn something. Next time you learn a bit more. Bit by bit, over a couple of years you become what you wanted to become. The kinda guy who does his own car maintenance. Now you’re talking cars with friends and giving them advice because you are the car guy. It’s your identity.
Keep calling yourself a loser and that is what you are. Don’t do that. Take control of your identity and use it as a tool for change.
Do the opposite of everything you’ve been doing: eat well, exercise, get good sleep, be a man of your word, work hard at your career, honor your commitments, respect those around you and respect yourself. There’s no shortcuts, put in the work and your life will turn around. It’s not so much about “manning up” as it is about doing the right thing. You know the difference. Do what’s right.
Take up judo or wrestling or boxing. Don’t quit.
Ask again in two years.
Plan out a routine. Wake up straighten your bed have a shower eat a planned out healthy breakfast etc. Get a gym membership but accept you’ll struggle at first do stick to things you’re comfortable with like the treadmill and then occasionally try ones you’re not to build that confidence. If you’re a gamer imagine it like an rpg youre leveling up but youve not unlocked certain places yet until you reach the right level.
Get into strength training, fix your diet and improve your sleep routine. We all go through this stuff to some extent. Some of us become men sooner, some later, but the first step to becoming a good man is recognising you’re falling short of whom you aspire to be
Go to a psychologist
THERAPY.
Sounds like you know who you are and what you want to be. Just sounds like you don’t know how to get from A-B. Find the grit inside you. It might take talking to a professional about this.
Couple of things make the decision to be a part of the solution not the mess.
Do the next right thing. You know what I am talking about. We all have a tool box in a sense. Put the hammer down and find another tool and start building broski
Get some counselling.
And simplify your life. Get into a new routine, eat clean, cut drink, exercise more and join a new gym.
Delete all social media. Don’t doom scroll.
This will make you feel physically better and more confident.
You’re not a loser and try to be kind to yourself. Girls don’t whine either, if that’s your view of them, that needs to change as well.
Gym. Make sure to do the lifts to powerlifting standards.
First off you need to have some respect for yourself. Draw a line in the sand. Everything before today is forgiven and forgotten. Every time you remember anything embarrassing or a “failure” before today, push it aside.
Now recognise what you have achieved. Anything at all, and own it. Getting a job, learning a skill, making someone laugh, doing a good deed. Doesn’t matter how small, you did it. The simple fact that you want to improve as a person can go on that list.
Take a deep breath and move into tomorrow as a new person with a clean slate.
Look at what you want to do from now. What about this life interests you? Start making steps towards it today. One step every day. It’s not a race, we all get there in our own time. Find something fun that’s also exercise – running, cycling, pilates, martial arts, anything. Nothing worth doing is easy, but the experts spent thousands of hours and failed hundreds of times before they got good. Failure isn’t the end of the world – it’s just a small temporary setback.
You need to find value in yourself. If you can’t do that then no one else will be able to.
It seems like you have acknowledged what you want. Now you just need to start getting after it.
Imagine if you instead believed the bad things that had happened were “just luck”, and your academic and professional accomplishments reflected your true self.
Look, have you tried therapy? Learning the skills to reframe your own narrative could really change your life.
Fake it till you make it
I’ve been unemployed, addicted, homeless, toothless (almost), a beggar, crippled, for huge periods of time.
Yet I dont look down upon myself.
A huge dose of mushrooms in my youth totally changed my outlook on life. Made me realise that striving for money, possessions, the career are not really whats important in life.
It’s about connections, community, treating people right. Forgiving (yourself especially), loving, accepting.
For me anyway.
Hope you can find peace.
Create a routine for yourself that involves regular exercise. Start your day by doing some small productive thing – washing the dishes, watering the plants, going for a walk, getting a small chore done. Set a goal of seeing how well you can set and follow said routine. Start small, stay the course and watch it all grow. For me at least, it’s all about increasing the sense to which you feel in control of your life.
First step is the hardest. You have to have a strong desire, a strong faith that you can do it, you have to figure out how to get started, decide to get started, and take action. And keep moving.
First off you can ditch the misogyny or you’re getting nowhere
“Grew up moaning, whining and complaining my whole life like a girl.”
My dude you don’t need to “man up” you need to mature.
There is a difference.
None of those traits are inherently female, and to claim they are is an insult to girls and women everywhere.
They are the traits of people who didn’t have discipline, and honestly the attitude that you have isn’t going to win you any favours with women in the long run either.
What you need is discipline, reflection, and the maturity to look back at your experiences and acknowledge that they will not define your life anymore.
Know that you control how you act, how you react to challenges, that you are the sole driving force in your life and your actions have two possible outcomes. They are benefits and consequences.
Make decisions slowly, think about the benefits and consequences of your actions, and be accountable to yourself everyday.
Start with a long hard look in the mirror (this is not a metaphor, go and stand in front of a mirror for 5 minutes) apologise to yourself for the choices you have made, promise yourself you will do better, and forgive yourself for all the regrets – all of this out loud.
You are not a loser, you have just allowed yourself to be complacent and unaccountable.
From now on you’re going to be 1% better every day
Didn’t have a dad… Grew up whining like a girl… You’ve come here asking for help but you immediately blame someone else and drop some casual misogyny.
It’s not your dad’s fault and watch what you say about women, that would be a very good start… You’ve got a bad case of the stinky attitude, but at least it sounds like you’ve noticed now…. BUT… you also need to respect yourself, so maybe stop with the self hate first and tell yourself your worthy, it might be hard, you might not convince yourself, and it is kind of cringe, but you have to start somewhere otherwise where is the conviction to actually make the changes?
Call your mother up and tell her your grateful for her doing the job she did without the support of another parent.
Go to therapy
Lift weights
Research what a good diet is and do it.
You’ve got ChatGPT/Gemini now, you’ve got all the easy help you could ever want.
You’re hard wired to think this is some impossible challenge but it’s not, it’s basic shit, shut your mouth hole, move more.
I think you think you’re being honest with yourself but you told an easy to spot lie: that you just got lucky to get the job you’re in and the degree you’re in. That’s definitely a lie, that’s resilience and hard work. Cuz I hear that you’ve had an incredibly difficult life. Not the hardest life, but still hard. And you’re still here. It hasn’t killed you. And you do decently well for yourself. That’s worth being grateful with yourself for.
I think you owe yourself a little gratitude for getting yourself this far and yes you absolutely can achieve the next step in what you need to be happy. Maybe not everything, but you can do the next best step for sure. But I think step 1 is showing yourself gratitude and not talk to yourself this way.
Bro, you answered it yourself. Most people don’t even know that they’re losers.
All you have to do now is do the opposite of what you were. Yeah you will get derailed. That’s a part of it. The winners don’t quit until they die.
First… you need therapy! Get some! You cannot achieve what you want if your entire self viewers nothing but disgust and hatred. You need to begin to like who you are or even love it and that starts at first with accepting who you are objectively.
A real man is not perfect and he knows this on the one hand but on the other has enough self love and respect to try to be better.
I think a good inflection point for most men is locus of control. You need to begin to establish an internal locus if control where you believe you can control yourself and that you are able to change the outcomes in your life through your own actions.
Therapy.
And learn from ppl who are already succesful at Things you want to improve.
In college I llearnd how to flirt by Just copying stuff from guys who were succesful at this
> Grew up moaning, whining and complaining my whole life like a girl.
first step would be to stop this kind of misogynistic thinking.
Enlist. In the Navy.
Nothing changes unless you decide to do it. It’s not an easy task but it will fix all the issues you have. Positive thinking and exercise will go a long way. Don’t delude yourself with toxic masculinity just be you. We are all people just trying our best with what we got. You have a good job so sounds like income is steady so that’s one less stressor. Make a 5 and 10 year plan. What do you want to be like at 35? At 40?
Invest your money to grow it.
Start working with a talk therapist and psychiatrist. These will go a long way.
Hit the gym to fix weight. Even going for a long walk will do a lot. Weights if you wanna bulk.
Try and stop bad habits if you have them like smoking and drinking.
Fix your diet to give yourself energy.
Finally start casually dating. You dont have to look for the 1 instantly. Just enjoy yourself and get some experience.
It’s a lot and its likely a drastic change dont do it all at once. Ease in and build up make goals.
Try to cut out all of the negative self-talk. It doesn’t have to be all at once, just pieces at a time. When you find yourself saying mean shit to yourself, counter it. Even in your post you repeatedly denigrate yourself and minimize your accomplishments. It takes time and it won’t be easy but, if you can treat yourself the way you might treat a treasured partner or friend, you’ll find yourself in a more positive head space.
Another piece of advice I can give is to change what you can. You mentioned being fat. Start exercising. Find a routine and add it into your daily practices. For example, every time I go to piss when I’m at work I do squats after I wash my hands. After lunch, I do pushups to failure. While I wait for the shower to warm up I do crunches. I can’t commit to a dedicated exercise schedule, so I’ve woven it into other actions to make it easier for me to actually just do it.
I don’t always meet my goals, but I always force myself to do -something- to maintain it advance the progress I’ve made. You can do it, too.
Solidarity, brother. I know your struggle. You can do this. I’m rooting for you.
The only way to “man up” is stop subscribing to the misery times oh woe is me edtion.
FFS sack up already. The only one who can change YOUR situation is staring at you in the mirror.
There is no magic fairy or random person who fixes all your problems
the plane is crashing. What are you going to do to stop it?
Exercise, healthy diet, and find a therapist.