This is the hardest message I’ve ever had to write, and I’ve been sitting with it for a while now, feeling ashamed and embarrassed. But I’ve reached a point where I have no other option but to be honest with you.
I’m really struggling. Living in Japan hasn’t turned out the way I hoped. It’s been incredibly difficult for me from the beginning. I’ve been doing my best to stay afloat, to make it work, and to be the independent adult I know you raised me to be but I can’t be here anymore. I can’t afford the pension, residence tax, health insurance here anymore, it’s all so expensive, plus a flight home. And adapting to life here has been so hard for me.
I feel like I’ve failed you. I’m almost 30, and I know you expected more from me, I expected more from myself too. I’ve tried not to burden you with anything, which is why I’ve stayed quiet about how bad things have gotten and haven’t been communicating as much. But I can’t do this alone anymore. I have been trying.
I need help to get home. Just enough for the flight. Once I’m back, I’ll figure out the next step and pay you back.
I understand you’re disappointed. I’m very disappointed in myself too. Very disappointed. I am sorry. I could renew my visa but I don’t want to be here anymore. It’s affecting my mental health. Please let me know what you think.
Comments
I’d feel incredibly sad that she’d feel like she was letting me down in any way.
Tell her not to worry, send her the cash asap (even if I had to borrow it) and tell her we’d sort everything out when she got home.
My son attempted suicide about 3.5 years ago. It was the most shocking thing I’ve been through. I thank god every day that he was not successful.
I’d buy her ticket home and hug her so hard when I picked her up at the airport.
I would be glad she was talking to me, and sad she felt she needed to hide her troubles. I would figure out how to buy her a flight home for tomorrow.
“I love you. Come home.”
Then send her the means to do so.
She’s reaching out to you in desperation, and needs a safe place to land after what sounds like a difficult experience. Understanding that an experience isn’t working out, and getting out of it, is part of what makes us the adults we are.
She’s brave to write you, and it means you’re a parent she trusts. Now go tell your girl to come back.
You should be proud of her that she’s asking you. It’s okay this happened. She has learned so much and went to live in another country! Not many people do that! She will be fine she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders and waited to tell you this until she was super certain about her feelings. I would be 1000000000000000000 percent supportive and excited for my daughter to come back home after asking me to help her.
I would tell her it’s okay and I love you and thank you for telling me. I would help get her home.
I’ve been in a similar situation reaching out for support when I tried on my own for as long as I possibly could. All I wanted was for someone to do the above.
Call her back to make sure it’s not a scam. If you can afford to help her, then do it, otherwise try to come up with a plan to help. Reassure her that you love her and are proud to be her mom, and that she is not a disappointment.
Oh my gosh, nothing but compassion! ‘Almost 30’ is so young! You do NOT need to have your life all figured out by then. Moving to another country before 30 is an incredible experience and a testament to how tenacious and adventurous you/she is.
Most of all I’d feel sad she thought she could ever let me down because I’d be so so proud and happy to see her when she landed home
She seems to be a perfectionist, her inner critic might be vicious 😔 just try to help her, reaffirm you got her back always, and let her know that what we can perceive as mistakes are all just lessons in life — it’s okay, she’s not bad for this, only human like the rest of us!
Maybe once she’s back in the country… Encourage her to rest and if she’s up to it, maybe just try to have a nice fun day with her
“I love you, we all have setbacks in our lives, you can always come home, I’ll help you get a plane ticket.”
I wouldn’t think twice. I’d call her, tell her not to worry, that we’ll sort everything out together, book the flight, and bring her home.
I’d say she has no need to feel embarrassed about anything at all, I’m just worried for her and of course I’ll help her in any way I can. I’d tell her I’m sorry things haven’t worked out but it will be wonderful to have her home for a while, then I’d offer to fly out and help her pack. You’re her mother aren’t you? Why are you still here?
“You can always come home, baby. Call me and let’s book you a flight. I am so proud of you for speaking up. I love you and can’t wait to hug you.”
I’m 35 with a family- a husband, kids, a lab, the whole shebang. I have a job I love, my husband has a job he loves and we truly live our ideal life. It’s what I’ve always dreamed of. But, my mom can sometimes see that it can be chaotic and hectic, especially with two small kids, and always tells me, “you can always come home.” Now, of course, she doesn’t mean abandoning my family LOL She means for the night- to yap, have a glass of wine (or two), a hot meal, get a good night’s rest, and return to my family recharged. I plan to make sure my kids know they can always come home. When life gets hard, come home. If someone breaks your heart, come home. If you’re sick, come home. If the dream job you planned on doesn’t work out, come home. If you’re unhappy, come home. There’s no place like home.
My daughter would get anything she needed to come back to her home and family.
This is a cry for help without pitying herself. I would be heartbroken knowing my daughter was more worried about my feelings than her own.
Pay for the flight back home. I was your daughter at one point. I got another job soon after I sent a similar email to them so it kind of worked out but my parents immediate response was to wire me the money to fly home from half way across the world. No hesitation. That’s how you should respond.
INFO: OP- are you the daughter?
I would feel more badly that my child thinks she failed me, and had a hard time opening up to me, than asking for help to come home. My home is always open for my children (they are still in school, but the point stands).
Living in Japan is an incredibly hard adjustment for Westerners. I work in an international field where many of my colleagues move abroad for a few years, and everyone knows Japan is especially difficult, even when you have a free ex-pat community at work! If you’re trying to integrate solo it’s super tough. I know people who have lived there for decades and still have zero non expat friends. And these are people who have lived in other countries and are even married to people not from their home country. They just couldn’t integrate there.
And this is factoring in that Japan (in our field) offers the highest pay to attract people. And they still flounder. Add money problems on top of just pure cultural adjustment, and wow!
There’s no shame in wanting to come home. It’s amazing and brave to move abroad, and I bet your daughter learned sooo much about herself and the world in the process. People go into hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt to learn in college, a minor financial setback is likely a decent price for the experience, empathy, and insight she gained in this case.
I’d immediately buy a ticket for her. Honestly, if I was able, I would buy one for myself to go there and two for us to return. I’d just want to hug my daughter as soon as possible.
If you have a good deal with her, tell her you love and support her and you’re not disappointed? Help your baby come home, tf.
I would send that money ASAP! It would also hurt to think that she feels she ‘failed’ her parent. I’d be questioning how I raised her, if I had too many expectations, and going into a spiral while worrying ugh.
I hope she can come home soon and find happiness and peace.
“first of all, thank you for trusting me enough to open about how you’re feeling and what you’ve experienced, it truly means a lot
second of all, i am not the slightest disappointed in you and don’t ever believe that i’ve been anything but proud of you. you took a chance, moved to japan and experience what others could only dream of having the guts to do, so i hope that once this is all settled, you’ll also be proud of yourself for taking the risk and trying something new, whether or not it worked out, as even taking the chance takes a lot of bravery and i’m proud of you for it
and of course, let me know how much you’d need for the plane, no need to pay me back, but i hope that you’ll visit me once you’re back, i miss you and despite how you feel about japan now, i’d still love to hear some stories about the things you did end up enjoying and your experience there
i love you and i’m proud of you, let me know about the price of the ticket”
this is what i would say, it seems like she needs some reassurance
I’d be on the phone with her in two seconds flat. Money sent, ticket bought, pick up arranged etc.
Well first of all I’d feel absolute compassion and would do anything I could to get my daughter home! But if I’m being honest I would also wonder if there is anything I did that made this note SO clearly difficult to write. There is so much in here about shame, disappointment, burdens, etc. and I never want my daughter to feel like she has to muster up courage like this for me to help her.
I would tell her my door is always open to her and send her money asap, even if I had to borrow it
Hell, i’ll hop on the next flight out to Japan to bring my baby back home myself if i ever get a message like this.
OP, i spent a year trying to make it work in Kyoto and came home. You are not a failure or a disappointment. You have your whole life ahead of you. Late 20s? Baby adult lol
Send the message. Go home. Rest and recover.
What’s the question exactly? You let her know to get on that plane, come home and she’ll have a hug and a listening ear.
I have 2 children. I don’t care how old they are. If they are struggling, hurting, confused, looking for support, just need to talk to Mom or Dad, then that’s what they’ll get. What is there to think about?
My kids all know that they can call me anytime and I’ve got their back. I’d fly over and bring her home
“Im not disappointed, please come home and we can sort it out together. I’ll book a flight now”
Buy her the ticket and send some cash to help her with everything else . I know it might not seem very trusting . But just sending the money could be a red flag for something more serious . I hope not and doubt it is but just to be sure .
I would buy the ticket
I would feel proud for her to have the courage to reach out and ask for help. I hope my daughter will trust me enough to know that she is safe with us and we ll not judge or get angry for asking for help, never. I hope your mom will welcome you with open arms 🩷
Id tell her that I’m very sorry she is having such a hard time, living in a country that is so different and so far away is very tough, especially without any family nearby. It’s only natural that she doesn’t want to stay and I would still be proud that she tried it and found out is not for her.
I would also say that she could never disappoint me, even if she tried, because she is a wonderful human being and the best daughter I could ever imagine. And of course I can buy her a ticket and she can stay with me for as long as she wants. Just come back and we’ll figure this out together.
One thing that always gave me confidence in life is that I knew my parents were always there for me. A constant safety net. They helped me financial countless times in my 20’s, helped my husband and I with our downpayment on our house in my 30’s and even today I know that I could move my 40 year old self and my family into their house if I needed to. My parents were never rich, but they always did what they could to help. Buy her the ticket home and let her know she can always count on you.
OP, are you the recipient or the sender of this text? If the latter, have you sent it yet, and have you received a response? Or are you just trying to gauge the kind of response you might receive?
If you’re the parent, take a little time to reflect on why your daughter might have wanted to keep her struggles from you for so long before you respond. You’ve clearly communicated some strong expectations in the past, and this is a chance for a reset on your relationship. Offer lover and support and whatever resources you’re able to offer to get her home and ready for a new start.
If you’re the sender, I hope sending this helps kick off a new, adult relationship with your parent/s, and a life reboot that sees you on a more fulfilling path where you’re making decisions completely for yourself, regardless of anyone else’s thoughts or expectations.
If you’re the mom: send the money then go to therapy and take a long hard reflection about why your daughter is so afraid of disappointing you and asking for help.
I would say, “I love you. Come home. Call me so we can get you a ticket and then tell me what you want for your first dinner back.”
(But yes I would call and make sure it’s really my daughter texting first!)
It’s OK OP. You took a risk. That’s AWESOME. That’s what your twenties are for. Tell your mom you need her now.
Tell her that life is about knowing when to walk away. It’s okay to walk away and know something is not for you. It’s an invaluable lesson for her to carry into other aspects when a situation doesn’t feel right or is not working. Tell her that her energy and time are valuable and it’s important to know when to cut. This can save her from bad relationships, a job that will wear her down and burn her out, throwing good money after bad in an investment. It’s a lesson that will translate.
Tell her it’s okay, she has learned a lesson and gave it her shot fully and this stranger in GA is proud of her!
I’ve been in her shoes – twice due to failed relationships after I (stupidly) followed them to other countries. Both times my family came together to help me come home. After the second time they said I’d be on my own if I left again (fair enough lol). But they weren’t as nice about my return…lots of “I told you so”s.
I took the train home to my parents house a decade ago and said those exact words (plus throw in a few more scary details about substance abuse issues etc) and they responded by telling me that I needed to tough it out for the sake of my career and promptly sent me back to the city where I was living. Anything is better than that, but in my years obsessing over it, “don’t worry about what’s next, we love you so just come home and let us help you however we can” is how I wish they had responded…
I don’t have kids, and don’t plan to. But I always thought if I did, I would instill values my parents impressed upon me to my kids. That being said, I would tell my daughter she can always come home, not to worry about the flight back and we would figure out the next steps together when she gets back. Her honesty is all I need to be proud of her.
You are in Japan and even though it’s harder than you expected, it takes a lot of bravery to make the move. You should be proud of that and treat this as a learning moment and not a failure. Of course I will fly you back. Do not be disappointed in yourself because I’m not. I’m proud that you took this risk and I know you will learn from it.
Firstly call her and verify that she actually did send this and that it is not a scam. This text sounds very similar to a couple scams that are going around.
Then of course, if it is real, buy her a ticket so she can come home.
“Baby girl, I’m sorry things didn’t work out the way you’d hoped & I’m so, so sorry you didn’t feel like you could say something sooner. The first sound you ever made was crying out for me to help you & as long as I’m alive, it’s my job to take care of you. Moving away was so incredibly brave of you, and asking for help is even braver than that. There’s no shame in coming back. You haven’t failed me & you haven’t failed yourself, so please don’t think that way. I’ve failed you if you think I’d be disappointed in you for asking for help. No one is fully independent, baby. We all need help sometimes. How much do you need to get back? We’ll figure out the next steps when you’re here.”
My response to my daughter, kiddo you’ll never disappoint me for trying. You’ve done everything to adjust and this was the right situation for you. Your flight home is scheduled. I’ll see you at the airport when you get home.
“Thank you for trusting me with this. I can only imagine how hard it was to write, and I’m proud of you for doing it anyway. That took so much courage.
I’m truly sorry if I ever made you feel like you couldn’t come to me. That was never my intention, and if I gave you that impression, then I failed you in a way that matters far more than anything you’re apologizing for. You haven’t disappointed me, I hate that you felt you had to carry this alone.
Life doesn’t always turn out how we hoped, and that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you tried. You gave something big a shot. That takes guts. Most people don’t even leave their hometown, let alone move across the world. You’re allowed to realize something isn’t right for you and choose differently.
I don’t care if you’re 29, 39, or 59, if you need help, I will help you. There’s nothing shameful about needing support. We all hit walls sometimes. It doesn’t undo everything you’ve accomplished so far. I will absolutely help you get home. Just tell me what you need.
We’ll figure out the rest together. I love you. I’m so proud of you. I can’t wait to see you.”
Call her first to verify it’s really her
I lived in another country for 12 years and deciding to leave made me feel like such a failure. My heart breaks reading this because I know this feeling, so much. OP, are you the daughter? I’m sending you all my love. You had a grand adventure and it’s brave and HARD to be an immigrant. It’s okay to come home and regroup and then find your next adventure.
If you sent this to my mom, she would just say, “There’s always room at the inn. Come home. If you want to stay and just don’t know how, call and we will figure it out.”
I would tell her that the only way she could disappoint me is to remain in a situation that is clearly making her this unhappy. Then I would send her the money to get home.
I’d have appreciated more context for why and how this went down but…
If my daughter said this, the first thing I’ll do is to tell her that I’m there for her and turning to me for help was the right thing to do. The second thing I’ll do is to make sure there are arrangements made, asap, to bring her back, and I’ll spend the money necessary for making the arrangements.
I will not judge her for this. Life is hard, trying to make it in a foreign country is harder. I’ve been to Japan in the past and travelled around enough to know that cultural and social differences can make it very difficult to settle happily in a different country.
The thirties are not the end of life. It IS possible to start afresh and figure out something new. I’d ask my daughter to take any valuable learnings from her experience but then just move on.
I love you. I’m sending you the money. Come home.
Edited to say that I am estranged from my parents as well and have been for quite a few years due to the fact that I was raised in a cult. I am going to be 50 years old next month and my daughter will be 20. If she ever needed anything from me, I would do whatever I had to do to make it possible for her. I’m so sorry you’re going through this And I know how hard it is.
20s is such a difficult time for so many. It’s a time spent trying to get established for a strong future. I would reassure her of this and reassure her that she should be proud that she’s attempting to make something happen for herself, rather than sitting around and making excuses.
If you have the means, help her get home and reassure her that you will figure things out together. She needs mentorship and guidance.
If there’s anything I’m grateful for, it’s the fact that my mom never makes me feel like I’m a burden and everyday reminds me that I can always come home if things get too hard. I understand her side completely, I’m 31 and definitely not where i thought I’d be, or where my entire family had hoped I’d be, by now. Internally, I feel how she feels. But no one ever gives me external grief about it.
If you were to respond like my mom, she’d tell me I’m never a burden, that her job and joy is to be able to help me when needed, and that I’m the best daughter she could ever have. Not to worry, to come home whenever I wanted and that she loves me.
She would either send me the money. Idk how expensive those flights are, but she’d help me figure it out even if it was a little wait.
Idk what your relationship is, maybe she’s putting her own stress and anxiety, but I think she really needs some validation and love right now.
I looked at your post history just to see more context and it seems like you are the daughter. Are you looking to see what other mothers would send to compare to your own? I would hope that most moms would not post their child’s private emotional messages on the internet, first of all. My mom would send me the money and wouldn’t be disappointed in me; I know this bc I have had numerous depression breakdowns. She doesn’t understand me on a deep level, but she would throw money at the problem. However, I know other people whose moms would be disappointed or cold because of abuse, culture, etc. So while everyone here will probably say “I would do anything to help my daughter,” only you have enough info to predict what she’ll do and comparing to reddit may not be mentally helpful.
I would be pissed she didn’t come to me sooner before things got this bad it started messing with her mental health. Im very big on kids being independent but that doesn’t mean they have to suffer. This scream poor planning though and im not swooping in unless i genuinely see they need help. First I would call her and give her an earful. Then I would try to get to the bottom of why she wanted to come home. I of course would put her on the first thing smoking in my direction but I would want to know why. If its finances I would help her until she could get on her feet. If it was the environment or something bigger than of course come home and we will never speak of it again.
Is your daughter actually in Japan? Like, do you know where she is? This is a common scam. Call her and talk to her personally. I literally have no idea why you didn’t pick up the phone and call instead of putting this on the internet. If she did write it, get her home ASAP and figure it out there.
I would be on the first flight out to go help her. I would send her money and go to her. She needs you.
I also understand times are rough and OP may not be able to afford flying to her and flying them both back, but I would go in debt to bring my baby home.
Call her, talk to her. Send her the money.
So I lived overseas years and years ago. I had a really shitty weekend, I was there about 2-3 week, had moved into a hostel, found roaches in my bed , couldn’t find an apartment, lost my wallet in a cab. Just everything that went wrong could have gone wrong.
I called my mom, she gave me lots of tough love and yelled at me and told me to suck it up.
I called my dad he gave me money.
Neither were wrong, neither were right. Just their personalities
If your kid is failing, love them, and come up with a plan to help them succeed. Support should not be conditional, based on achieving life goals or career goals. As Alan Watts said, “The meaning of life is just to be alive.”
You only get so many chances to strengthen bonds with your kids before they walk away and build a life without you.
— Signed, someone in a music culture that attracts those who need found family and has cared for rejected kids since my teens.
I’m 36 and sometimes need help from my mum, especially after moving back from abroad, after I contracted a (currently) incurable infectious disease. I’m uncomfortable with the reality that I again live with my parents, having been independent and living alone both interstate and abroad since 22. My mum didn’t hesitate to help, but she doesn’t do it lovingly. She doesn’t do 99% of things lovingly, so I carry a lot of shame and disappointment in myself whenever I take anything from her, especially because if I didn’t get sick I wouldn’t ever choose to live with her so I feel like I am using her. I carry 1000 mixed feelings about everything to do with myself in relation to my parents. That’s another story, lol. My point is that:
OP, if you’re the mother, help with sincere love in your heart because she’ll feel it and carry that heavy load if you can’t.
OP, if you’re the daughter, don’t beat yourself up. Things happen, and it’s all a lesson that you can apply in the future. How brave of you to even try making it work abroad.
If it was my daughter I’d say ‘I’m not disappointed in you! Far from it, I’m proud of you that you acknowledged when something wasn’t working for you and reached out for help. Not everything works for everyone, you’ll find what makes you happy and that is all I want for you, for you to be happy. Now you’ve figured out something that doesn’t make you happy it’ll be easier to find out what you do want to do! I’ll be supporting you every step of the way. Of course I’ll send you the money for the flight home. If you want to talk I’m here any time, I hope you know that. Either way let’s chat soon to figure out the details and when you’ll need picking up from the airport. Will you stay with me? I would love that while you get yourself sorted but also completely understand if you’re planning to stay with a friend. Just let me know what you need, love you, etc.
OP, please don’t feel ashamed of yourself. japan is uniquely isolating for foreign residents – the pressures & lack of social support can be very extreme – & you are by NO means the only person who’s emigrated there with high hopes & found themselves floundering – high functioning, high achieving, profoundly capable people find themselves in this position all the time.
rather: you should feel proud of yourself for knowing when you need to ask for help & when it’s time to cut your losses & accept the learning experience for what it is.
I would immediately send her the money to get home, and reassure that I wasn’t disappointed at all, and say I couldn’t wait to see her, hug her, and help her.
Bring that baby home
Say “I’m going to call you, but I going to make sure you come home.”
I am not a parent but my parents would bring me home no questions asked and we will worry about the rest later
I would help her and arrange for her to come home
I would definitely fly her home and help her get back on her feet
There is no shame in doing your best and failing. You did your best, that’s all you can do. Some paths are dead ends, so you go back and choose a different one. I love you, come home.
“My door is always open to you literally and figuratively. Find your plane ticket and let me know how much it is. How would you like me to send you the money for the ticket? You are not a disappointment to me. You’ve been courageous and independent. Things don’t always go the way we hope. Life is just like that. Knowing when to throw in the towel and asking for help are signs of strength, not weakness. I love you dearly my brave daughter. Thank you for asking me for help.”
Call immediately, tell her she is loved unconditionally, that I’m proud of her for trying so hard and doing her best, and it’s okay to admit defeat sometimes and to try again when she’s back on her feet. We have to know our limits before we can surpass them. Most of all, I’d welcome her home with open arms and whatever support she needs to build herself up again.
3 or 30, I’ll never stop being Mom, and I’m always going to be here to help guide and teach.
It’ll be okay, OP! 🫂
I’d just make sure she gets home okay and tell her we will figure out things together if she needs help.
Also why are you so worried about your mom being disappointed, why are you ashamed and embarrassed?
Like someone else mentioned, I’d make sure it was them but then I’d be so upset at myself that my child thinks they failed me and I’m disappointed. I’d have to deep dive the whole thing because as a parent that’s the last thing I want my child to think and I wouldn’t want that to ever be what stops them from coming to me the minute there’s a problem. That would have me so torn up.
My beautiful daughter took her own life two years ago. Take care of her. She’s your baby at any age. Show her unconditional love and let her know this is fine! In the scheme of things it’s nothing. It’s nothing. It’s just a place that didn’t work out. That’s life. She’s not letting anyone down- she was brave and tried something new! You should be so proud of her. This requires absolutely no thought-buy the ticket, support her.
(Send her the money)
“Don’t worry about anything. We’ll figure things out together when you get home. I am not disappointed. I love you so much!”
I would be on the next flight and help her pack up and bring her home. If she wanted me to be.
Get on the phone and hear her voice! Make sure she is okay! And fly her home!
Pull the money from wherever you got it and bring your daughter home
I would help her in any way I could and feel terrible that she would be so worried about my reaction.
I think most mothers would be concerned and understanding and want to help. Even a stern or unemotional mother.
However, the fact that you’re asking here suggests your relationship may have challenges. Id send it, but be prepared for the response to not be perfect. She may tell you to stick it out, for example, in which case you may have to say it again straight out “I need to come home, can you please help me?” so the she has to accept or refuse a direct request. She may interpret it as an invitation for advice, she may think you need encouragement, so be prepared.
The main thing for now is to get to a place where you feel safe, and your home country sounds like what you need emotionally, whether your mother is part of that or not. Youll get hone with or without her help, make that your priority.
I’d call her and say, “I got your message and am sorry you’re struggling. How about I book you a flight home? What day/time works for you? I love you, honey, and can’t wait to see you. And, btw, there is no way you could ever fail me, so don’t even consider that possibility.”
Call her first and make sure it’s not a scam. This is a CLASSIC scam play, and it’s very effective. Once you actually talk to her and verify it’s true, tell her you love her and help her.
Isn’t obvious? Call her and get her a ticket. Why is this a question for the internet
After confirming that it’s not a scam, I’d say that she is human, and that I’m proud of her for trying to make it in Japan. I’d pay for the flight home, book it directly with her consent, and help her set up counseling if she’s ready to take that step and if she wants the assistance.
If I got that message from my daughter I would be on the next flight to collect her.
The hardest thing in life is asking for help from others inc family. We all want to prove we can do it, by ourselves. However I’ve come to learn it’s not a failure. It’s a strength to ask for support and show vulnerability.
I don’t know your family’s situation, but don’t think through the situation and go through the emotions and just send it.
You are not a failure in life, more the fact you have learnt a couple of lessons in life that will bring wisdom in future choices.
There is strength and maturity in that 🙂
Just reading that made me tear up. I would hate to imagine my kid away from home, wanting my comfort but scared of my reaction. Echoing what most commenters said – I love you, come home, we’ll figure it out together, I’m proud of you.
My main goal as a parent is to let my kid know he always has a soft place to land. Life is so hard and it’s only getting harder for young people; I just want him to know that he can branch out wherever he wants but he always has a home with me.
Pick a flight, sell what you can, donate the rest and come home. We’ll figure the rest out once you’re here.
I’ve had this conversation with my dad a couple of times.
Accepting you’re not happy and want to go home is not a failure. It’s being mature and prioritizing your well being.
Everything we go through is a learning opportunity.
It’s ok to want a change, to want to go home and feel loved and supported.
Your parents will be incredibly proud of you for taking a chance in such a different culture but most importantly for reaching out and asking for help.
Once we start growing up they stop telling us what to do, because they want us to live in our own terms. But they never stopped worrying or caring about us.
Getting that message will give them the chance to support their little girl.
I recently got divorced and I was so ashamed of telling my parents what was happening. A friend reminded me my parents would support me no matter what and they would be thankful I still reach out for support.
And that’s exactly how it went.
I’m proud of you for asking for help. Don’t think of this a failure, but as a cycle that’s ending.
I’d think my daughter was admitting she’d made a mistake in living in Japan. She sound like she’s tried to make it work and cannot. She also seems to feel ashamed she’s let you down. I’d reassure her that people make mistakes and help her financially to return home where hopefully life on multiple fronts will be more aligned with her preferences. She sounds very serious and I would take it that way.
The ONLY acceptable response is to show love, empathy and provide financial support – and that’s what majority of parents on this planet would do.
Disappointment would never even cross my mind (nor is it something that my own mother would express, I say that as another 31 year old that’s faced my own financial struggles recently.
If you’re the daughter, send the message and don’t even question it. Perhaps you grew up in a harsh environment where a lot has been expected from you, but let me tell you, it’s okay to ask for help.
Verify it isn’t a scam. Get FaceTime with her or offer to pay for the ticket itself.
If verified and legit, be kind and supportive but maybe consider why she is afraid to ask for help. Is there no support here?
If scam, figure out if someone has compromised her text messaging, go through security channels, etc.
Realizing that something isn’t working – no matter how much you wanted it or how good it looks on paper – and STOPPING rather than slamming into the brick wall of reality is wise. Having gone at ALL is incredibly brave and I’m proud of you, both for trying and for calling it when it isn’t working. Come home, get some rest and we’ll get you back on your feet.
Mine went to St. Thomas and same thing it was to expensive so we helped her get home, she had a mental breakdown got help and we talked and talked and talked and we figured out her bills she got a decent job and now she’s going for Masters degree still living at home but that’s what parents do they help when our children need it the most. Just wanted you to know your not alone and Good Luck
Kids are gonna fail your spose to live them no matter what I think it’s awesome she had the balls to move to a different country and try to make a life for her self we all fail don’t be to hard on her let her come Home it took a lot for her to write that no one likes asking for help I know I don’t be glad she even asked you I think your a good mom if she was comfortable enough to be honest with you like that nothing hard about it help her out
“I love you. I’m not disappointed in you. I’m incredibly proud of how brave you’ve been to move to another country and create a life. And I’m incredibly proud that when you recognized it wasn’t a healthy place for you to be that you were brave enough to reach out for help. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel like you couldn’t share those struggles, but I’m glad you’ve shared them now. Of course I’ll help you come home. And once you’re here, I’ll help you build a life that doesn’t feel like a constant struggle. I just want you to be happy and healthy. I will always be here for you.”
I would feel devastated that my daughter waited this long to share how difficult it has been for her with me. I would feel that I have failed her not the other way around and would buy her a ticket back home to me in an instant. I would most importantly be thankful that she reached out to me for help.
FIRST I like the advice to call and make sure it’s not a scam. Other than that-Just be honest. Do you think she should* feel ashamed? If not, tell her so. Are you prepared to help gladly and want her to know that you are always there for her? Tell her so.
If you* are the daughter and this is your way of gaining perspective on what you want to ask your own parent. Take peace of mind that any parent I know and myself would take pride in a child that is both brave enough to try life in a new place, try it as best they can on their own, AND trust that I love them enough to always be there for them when they need help.
The only thing I would want you to know is that you could have confided sooner that you were struggling. I would never doubt you, or judge you, just be there to listen until you felt ready for help. I would be sad you felt obligated to pretend life was better or easier than it was. I’d be proud you took a chance, felt the weight of it, and knew when you were in over your head enough to reach out. No body wants their kid to feel trapped in their hardship, especially when they could have helped.
Make sure it’s not a scam. If it’s not a scam if she’s been there 3-6 months she’s hit the homesickness burst that usually happens around then. I’ve moved countries a couple of times and there is a brutal period when the fun novelty has worn off but you’re still not used to the new place enough and everything feels hard and you just want to go home again. If you suck it up for a month or 2 it usually passes, but it is really horrible when you are going through it I have come to think of it as the cost of moving to another country.
I would for her flight home but pay the airline for the ticket and make sure it’s refundedable. Do not give her the money.
I would cry and then phone my child with my bank details for them to book a flight home as soon they could! No questions, nothing. Then when they were safely home a huge hug. Take care of yourself.
I’d be on the first flight out to see her. I’d hug her and love her and help her pack and bring her home with me.
I’d give her the money immediately and welcome back with open arms!
Well, just based on how you’re talking to your mom, I’m guessing she and I are very different people. But this would be my response if my 24 year old son texted me this.
“Oh honey. I’m so sorry things aren’t working out the way you’d hoped. I’m so proud of you for trying though, and you should be proud of yourself as well. Starting a new life in a new country can be so scary and you were so brave to give it a shot. Things don’t always go as we planned, but we should always try! You’re more than welcome to come home for as long as you need to recoup and figure out your next steps. I’ll get your bedroom ready for you. How much do you need to get home? I’ll venmo it over. I love and miss you so much, and you’re gonna be just fine. I promise.”
I hope your Mom is the Mom you deserve kiddo, because I imagine if your here asking it’s because your mother is similar to mine and the kinda person who’d ignore it to punish you. If so you may also want to reach out to extended family as well for help getting home and who may be willing to put you up for a few months while getting a job and place back in your home country.
she sounds so defeated, i feel terrible for reading it
she doesnt need to explain, i will send her what she needs to get home no questions asked
If I was your mom, I’d be very sad that you feel like you let me down by pursuing a great adventure. I’d immediately call you and arrange a flight home for you, everything else, we can figure out once you’re back. Not all adventures have a happily ever after, that’s just life. Come home, have a hearty meal, and let’s laugh about all the nonsense you saw that side of the Pacific.
I don’t have kids, but I can tell you what my mum would do.
She’d call me. She’d tell me that she loves me and that I don’t need to be ashamed or embarrassed. Then she’d not just give me the money for the flight, she’d send some extra for food and to get through the next days. And then she’d get my old room ready, put fresh sheets on the guest bed there, and she’d probably go grocery shopping for my favourites. She’d pick me up from the airport together with my dad and she’d give me a long hug telling me she’s so glad I’m home and so sad that I felt ashamed. There might be a few tears, with my dad looking on a bit awkwardly but secretly pleased his “little girl” is home. First days they’d let me sleep a lot, because of the stress and the jetlag, and then we’d sit down together to make plans and think about my next steps. We would figure something out, together.
A lot of good replies.
I’d tell her to try and shift attitude about the experience, turn it into a vacation essentially: “Wake up tomorrow on your first day of a vacation. Travel to somewhere new and explore while we wait for your cheaper flight that is X days away. Eat well, meet backpackers and use your living experience as you travel. In 6 months when your back home we want you to reflect on the positive experiences there, not just the heartache.”
Obviously costs some money but a shoestring Travel plan can still be affordable, but the opportunity to conquer the vacation might help with the shame she is feeling.
I would say, “of course, let’s get you home.”
What would MY mother say? “I’ll pay for your trip back home, but you’ll have hell to pay when you get here. You should’ve never gone in the first place. I knew I was right. When you get back here, I’m going to put you on a daily schedule that I expect you to live by, since you’ll be in MY house and I had to pay for your flight home” on and on and on
I hope you have a mother like these redditors.
I would be proud she believe me and I would like to support her, because I love my daughter and if she is healthy, everything is repearable. I will be very proud she even tried to live alone in other country, seems so hard and there is no shame just go home for help.
The letter is well written. Take care about yourself, OP.
I would say, “You can never disappoint mommy; how much do you need?”
I would tell her that she hasn’t failed me at all. It was brave of her to move to Japan, and it’s brave of her to be honest about the fact that she’s struggling there. Moving to Japan is not a lifetime commitment. You’re allowed to change your mind about things!
I would call her to express my love and support, and to arrange the logistics of her flight home.
I would be upset that I had raised a daughter who felt so ashamed that something this simple hadn’t worked out. You took a risk. Part of risk is failure. There’s nothing shameful about that. It happens. I’d send you the money for a ticket home and pick you up at the airport.
I would say there is absolutely no shame in trying something and realising it is not for you. I would say I’m so proud of you for doing your best, and I never want you to have to struggle alone. That I’m there for her always. Lastly, I’d tell her to come home. I’d get that ticket sorted and get her out of there.
I think Avicii — Hey Brother pretty much sums this all up. I’d fly my kid home, get them back on their feet and out there to try again. And over my dead body would they pay me back for anything.
OP, if your mom can’t help you, the US Embassy or nearest consulate can assist with a repatriation loan to get you home, if you really have no other funds. Email the ACS section for assistance.
I’ve got one adult kid out in the wild on his own now. If he texted me this, I’d text him ‘I love you. Call me.’ Then on the call we’d talk it through a little.
Definitely take the advice to verify it’s her just in case of scam.
Then help her get home.
As to how I’d feel, terrible. My kids once told me something a few years back about some stuff and I felt terrible because they’d assumed I’d react badly. It still bothers me to this day because as you probably know, we want our kids to know that we always love them, we always want to help them.
If this were a message from my kid, once he got back I’d try to get him to crash with me for a few days even if he protested (and stay if he’d like to) but no matter what I’d want a face to face to talk it through and assure him that I love him with my whole being and he could never disappoint me.
I’d express how proud of him I am that he reached out when he needed help, that can take a lot of courage especially if he’s somehow got it twisted and thought he couldn’t turn to me for whatever reason.
So yeah, verify that it’s her. Get her home. Then smother her with love lol. Cuz like if she’s feeling like she can’t turn to you that is so very sad. And it might not be your fault, it might kinda be. You won’t know until you talk it through with her. Let her talk and control the convo with you mainly focusing on reassurance, love, and questions when they’re needed.
Feeling that we need to live up to our parents expectations is a hard burden to carry in life. I am hoping one day she can put this heavy weight down and live her life with no guilt and be free of other people’s expectations, being them parents, lovers, spouses, children.
The most precious gift we can give somebody that we care for, is allowing them be free to be how they are, with the good and the bad, and have no “expectations” from them.
Most relationships in life are transactional. Just lucky few that are be based on unconditional love, those cannot be transactional.
I would say, “I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. Here’s the money. I can’t wait to give you a hug. Let me know when your flight is booked.”
I’d say “money for one ticket home, food, some little treats, whatever you need coming at you in 3, 2, 1…” but I also can’t imagine not knowing my child was struggling and hopefully I would have been sending them supplemental funds and keeping in touch about what they needed to make their dream work before it ever got to this point. Any parent who is able and would do less for their child is just weird in my book.
I’d welcome her home. She needs you.
“When do you want to leave? Let me go buy the tickets. You can tell me all about it once you’re here. You can stay as long as you need to “
I am impressed she is owning her choices and apologizing.
My mum would have the flights booked and Dad on the way to the airport to pick me up before she’s even finished reading the text.
Send the text. Let them help you.
This is what I’m here for. How much do you need and when? I love you, I would do anything for you. Let’s talk more about this when you’re ready baby.
I don’t know the relationship you have with your parents, but if they’re anything like mine, they won’t bat an eyelid. I’ve had to send messages like this and they have been kind and haven’t judged me at all, they told me not to beat myself up, and just asked how much I needed.
I’m childfree but I think I would react the same.
I didn’t have any of this support from my family and I ended up having to stay in multiple unsafe situations back to back. I struggled so much mentally from the ptsd afterwards that my family tried to take me to a hospital against my will because they didn’t understand ptsd or believe the experiences I had. Please be kind to your children. It can prevent more time set back.
As a mom of a teen daughter I wouldnt be disappointed in the least, and if OP you are the one writing this please be a little gentler to yourself, the economy is hard, life is hard and even going to Japan or another country and giving something a try is a huge accomplishment in itself! My god honestly you should be so proud of yourself truly. You need a little help getting to your next step but thats nothing to be ashamed of.
Not what you asked but she needs to pay resident tax before leaving, specially if she ever wants to come back for some reason. It’s a lot of money, us foreigners save every month to be able to pay resident tax later.
Japan can do this to you, it was the best and most isolating experience of my life.