That it’s okay to just say “no” to requests and social plans, I don’t need to people please everyone, and having downtime for myself isn’t a bad thing!
Reaching to be skinny in my 30’s is not going to make me any happier when I was depressed AND skinny in my 20’s. Happiness is truly lots of internal work and progress.
Oh man, I just had this one today. Sometimes my SO does something incredibly enraging that I feel the need to yell at him. I always regarded this as something inevitable, because in the moment I feel like if I don’t yell right now, my head will literally physically explode, like I feel physically unwell if I stifle it. That I had to get it out, otherwise I wouldn’t move on.
Well, I’ve been going to some therapy, and today I was enraged and felt the need to yell, but I didn’t. Then I stayed like 30 minutes one hair from explosion but silent. For 30 minutes in a row nonstop I felt like if a speck of dust dropped wrong, I would explode. Luckily no dust dropped within 30 minutes. Then my anger subsided, and by the time my SO came home for lunch, I was fine and whatever it was I needed to yell was discussed in very calm texts, unlike the normal explosion. So today I learned that if I manage to restrain myself for 30 minutes, the overwhelming urge to yell actually does go away, and we CAN actually talk about it. Shocking!!!
I am a bit embarrassed it took me this long to figure out. Although to be fair, I’ve never been this enraged in any of my other relationships, so it wasn’t a problem before. This relationship and parenting 3 kids under 4 just sets me off like nobody ever has before.
The rat race and working on corporate advancement is not as fulfilling as personal advancement.
I say this having been at my career for 11 years. I was sure I was going to be a manager with around 50 people in my downline by now. While I did get a manager title, I very much prefer being on my own and responsible for myself only with no direct reports. I’m much happier being able to take a long lunch and go to the gym than I am having to lead corporate pushes on our “intentional culture”.
Honestly, that liking what I like-even when it’s not popular-is perfectly fine. Same for thinking what I think. I used to be a BIG people pleaser and always wanted so desperately to fit in. So much happier with this realization.
It took me that long to ‘get’ that I matter, too, and my whole life isn’t supposed to be about others. It’s been a journey learning not to feel guilty about taking care of myself and prioritizing my own needs and goals instead of just putting myself aside entirely to be there for others. I still take care of others but learning not to neglect myself has been life-changing. Sometimes I still need to be reminded and thankfully my partner is great about doing that when he notices me slipping.
probably how to cook. like, i can basically make anything by following a recipe. it isn’t as hard as i thought it would be. although i definitely don’t like it and am not talented so i’m not doing super intricate things.
That the hustle of my early life wasn’t going to last forever. Eventually, I made it to a point where I was content, where I didn’t have to chase the next thing (I could if I wanted to). I realized that, statistically, most of my life was ahead of me, and I needed to figure out what I was going to do to make the most of my days.
That I was lied to. That I actually have no desire for the whole romantic fairy tale thing and living “happily ever after” or being excited about a ring or a wedding dress etc. And actually as I get older I find men are astoundingly more interested in settling down and becoming parents etc.
Once I allowed my brain to mature I realized my desires for these things were a result of lifelong exposure to propaganda towards these outcomes, propaganda that starts the moment we are born. It took my a while to deconstruct it all. I now understand that our society has this strange bizarre thing where it turns the desires of men into women’s obsession and forces us to derive our self worth for attaining things that when we really reflect on, we slowly realize were not created with our happiness or peace in mind.
My only advice to young girls and women is to stay on birth control, stay in school, explore and travel and talk to older women earnestly and please allow yourself to mature mentally before you pursue certain life paths.
You don’t have to love your job and it doesn’t need to be your passion. You just have to be able to tolerate it enough.
After being told my whole life I had to love my job but the things I love don’t pay well, this was a relief off of me. I do a job I can tolerate 40 hours a week and then devote the rest of my time to things I enjoy.
Trying to listen to people without judgement and see where they’re coming from. It’s easy to project your own experiences and thoughts and forget that other people have totally different experiences to draw from
I moved to a cold climate place for the first time as an adult person and I finally “got” why my parents were always screaming about us touching the thermostat. I might have learned a valuable lesson my first winter electric bill after turning the heat up to 80 degrees. (My cats were so happy and then angry when I told them they have sweaters on)
That being enmeshed with my mom has impacted me in some really negative ways for my mental health.
I thought I had processed all my childhood pains by working through stuff with my dad being emotionally distant during my childhood and financially absent as much as possible after the divorce. I worked through the pain of being so obviously disabled and weird. I thought I was good.
Then I started actually examining the ways my relationship with my mother was also unhealthy. How she always came to me with problems to fix when she was fully capable on her own. That she relied on me for emotional regulation when I avoided talking about my own problems to avoid having to regulate her. That I was expected to magically not be disabled and mentally ill during my older brother’s peak addiction.
I realized how long I really felt like I had to control my own emotions so they didn’t hurt others and how that meant I would ignore things that weren’t working with my husband because I wouldn’t talk about the issues in a direct or timely way, and I would bottle it up until I blew up..
How little I should actually care about what strangers think about me or any aspect of my life. It’s like my 30’s brought to light the reality that I should only be living to please myself(within reason). I am incapable of controlling how anyone perceives me- so why would I try to please literal strangers.
Normal seemingly sane and smart people will make the most fucking insane decisions with their romantic lives and it will leave your mind absolutely boggled yet there’s nothing you can do about it
That I may not have had model parents, but they both broke cycles of generational trauma including abandonment, abuse, and addiction. They had no support except each other, there was no money for therapy, or much awareness of mental health. I can’t imagine how they coped and stayed functional.
I understood why people treated me the way they did in my early 20s. You start to see the naivety and why even the smartest 22 year old is limited in their perspective just by virtue of lack of life experience and brain chemistry. (to be clear, I’m not arguing that youth doesn’t have its advantages, young people are less set in their ways, often less willing to put up with injustice… it just wasn’t until I was older than 30 that I actually understood the other side)
My counsellor told me [before I was 30]: ‘no one is thinking about you as much as you think they are’. Did it sting? Yes. Was she incredibly right? Also yes.
Create and build a life that makes YOU genuinely happy. Others are so engulfed in their own lives (which is great!), that they likely aren’t sitting at home replaying moments of you. 🤗
That life and the world has enough negativity in it, so I shouldn’t invite any more in. I used to be kind of a cynical “edgy” kid that would always focus on the darker side of life, but now I try really hard to focus on the positive and just take care of myself. Any little thing that makes me happy is a good thing, even if it’s the cutest, most immature, saccharine thing in the world. That kiddy keychain that makes me smile? Yes please! Cozy video games with no challenge and cartoon art? Hell yeah! Halloween decorations all year because they make me feel like a kid? You bet!
I still enjoy things that some people might consider dark, but mostly I try to focus on stuff that just makes me happy.
The average person is kind of a jerk, actually. I didn’t understand that whole “banalty of evil” thing, or why the Milgrim experiment result was as it was.
I get it now!
People are not good or bad, they are all capable of both.
If you want something bad enough NOTHING will stop you. So yeah, that thing you complain about wanting and not having? Yup. You don’t want it so ask yourself whose voice you’re hearing and the projected expectations they have on you.
Also…
Do things that are true to you. I used to think I had to make myself palatable, I still sometimes struggle with this. But I’ve started small. I used to always do conservative nail colours… I’m proud to tell you I have blue toenails and that is so healing for me! So be you. That’s what makes you special. That’s what will attract people who are meant to be in your life. Be you. And if you don’t know what that means, start with things you genuinely like. I’m getting green nails next.
That rest is self care. Don’t burn the candle at both ends. And if theres a busy period take take when things settle to rest. And even if youre busy, have a quiet cup of tea to yourself and some sort of downtime on those days if possible.
My whole life, I had the same best friend, and while we would make friends with other people, I would treat those other friendships pretty casually and not put effort there. When she moved across the country, I was pretty friendless for a while. I eventually made a new friend with a very social woman. I watched that woman make so many friends so fast, and something clicked for me. I now have a whole host of friends, and it’s amazing. I’m also understanding more and more how important having a community of people is.
30s – I learned that you aren’t supposed to have to constantly teach someone how to love you right. You are supposed to walk away from unfulfilling relationships, not give the other person endless second chances and learning moments.
Comments
That my stomach wasn’t supposed to hurt all that time. That you truly are what you eat.
That it’s okay to just say “no” to requests and social plans, I don’t need to people please everyone, and having downtime for myself isn’t a bad thing!
Concept of incrementalism. That a little advancement/improvement is good and adds up.
Reaching to be skinny in my 30’s is not going to make me any happier when I was depressed AND skinny in my 20’s. Happiness is truly lots of internal work and progress.
Oh man, I just had this one today. Sometimes my SO does something incredibly enraging that I feel the need to yell at him. I always regarded this as something inevitable, because in the moment I feel like if I don’t yell right now, my head will literally physically explode, like I feel physically unwell if I stifle it. That I had to get it out, otherwise I wouldn’t move on.
Well, I’ve been going to some therapy, and today I was enraged and felt the need to yell, but I didn’t. Then I stayed like 30 minutes one hair from explosion but silent. For 30 minutes in a row nonstop I felt like if a speck of dust dropped wrong, I would explode. Luckily no dust dropped within 30 minutes. Then my anger subsided, and by the time my SO came home for lunch, I was fine and whatever it was I needed to yell was discussed in very calm texts, unlike the normal explosion. So today I learned that if I manage to restrain myself for 30 minutes, the overwhelming urge to yell actually does go away, and we CAN actually talk about it. Shocking!!!
I am a bit embarrassed it took me this long to figure out. Although to be fair, I’ve never been this enraged in any of my other relationships, so it wasn’t a problem before. This relationship and parenting 3 kids under 4 just sets me off like nobody ever has before.
Dairy made my skin break out.
Yoga! It feels vital now but in my 20s I seriously didn’t get it. Ten years of fighting gravity will do that.
The rat race and working on corporate advancement is not as fulfilling as personal advancement.
I say this having been at my career for 11 years. I was sure I was going to be a manager with around 50 people in my downline by now. While I did get a manager title, I very much prefer being on my own and responsible for myself only with no direct reports. I’m much happier being able to take a long lunch and go to the gym than I am having to lead corporate pushes on our “intentional culture”.
Honestly, that liking what I like-even when it’s not popular-is perfectly fine. Same for thinking what I think. I used to be a BIG people pleaser and always wanted so desperately to fit in. So much happier with this realization.
It took me that long to ‘get’ that I matter, too, and my whole life isn’t supposed to be about others. It’s been a journey learning not to feel guilty about taking care of myself and prioritizing my own needs and goals instead of just putting myself aside entirely to be there for others. I still take care of others but learning not to neglect myself has been life-changing. Sometimes I still need to be reminded and thankfully my partner is great about doing that when he notices me slipping.
probably how to cook. like, i can basically make anything by following a recipe. it isn’t as hard as i thought it would be. although i definitely don’t like it and am not talented so i’m not doing super intricate things.
The power of no
No to friendships
No to parties
Live your own life
That the majority of people are always open to making new friends and are waiting for you to initiate a conversation / meet.
That the fiends who take and take and take will never change.
That the hustle of my early life wasn’t going to last forever. Eventually, I made it to a point where I was content, where I didn’t have to chase the next thing (I could if I wanted to). I realized that, statistically, most of my life was ahead of me, and I needed to figure out what I was going to do to make the most of my days.
That the adults who raised me and who I grew up with weren’t infallible and didn’t know everything.
Being mutually in love is not necessarily enough for a romantic relationship to work
It’s okay to let friendships go if they’ve run their course.
If it’s not a hell yes, then it’s a no.
The days are long, but the years are short. This really didn’t make sense to me until my daughter was born.
That exercising regularly is really and truly key to my mental health.
very few things are actually urgent. Even fewer are worth your energy.
That I was lied to. That I actually have no desire for the whole romantic fairy tale thing and living “happily ever after” or being excited about a ring or a wedding dress etc. And actually as I get older I find men are astoundingly more interested in settling down and becoming parents etc.
Once I allowed my brain to mature I realized my desires for these things were a result of lifelong exposure to propaganda towards these outcomes, propaganda that starts the moment we are born. It took my a while to deconstruct it all. I now understand that our society has this strange bizarre thing where it turns the desires of men into women’s obsession and forces us to derive our self worth for attaining things that when we really reflect on, we slowly realize were not created with our happiness or peace in mind.
My only advice to young girls and women is to stay on birth control, stay in school, explore and travel and talk to older women earnestly and please allow yourself to mature mentally before you pursue certain life paths.
You don’t have to love your job and it doesn’t need to be your passion. You just have to be able to tolerate it enough.
After being told my whole life I had to love my job but the things I love don’t pay well, this was a relief off of me. I do a job I can tolerate 40 hours a week and then devote the rest of my time to things I enjoy.
Why so many people are so mean/selfish. After becoming a Christian it all is crystal clear to me now!
Trying to listen to people without judgement and see where they’re coming from. It’s easy to project your own experiences and thoughts and forget that other people have totally different experiences to draw from
I moved to a cold climate place for the first time as an adult person and I finally “got” why my parents were always screaming about us touching the thermostat. I might have learned a valuable lesson my first winter electric bill after turning the heat up to 80 degrees. (My cats were so happy and then angry when I told them they have sweaters on)
That being enmeshed with my mom has impacted me in some really negative ways for my mental health.
I thought I had processed all my childhood pains by working through stuff with my dad being emotionally distant during my childhood and financially absent as much as possible after the divorce. I worked through the pain of being so obviously disabled and weird. I thought I was good.
Then I started actually examining the ways my relationship with my mother was also unhealthy. How she always came to me with problems to fix when she was fully capable on her own. That she relied on me for emotional regulation when I avoided talking about my own problems to avoid having to regulate her. That I was expected to magically not be disabled and mentally ill during my older brother’s peak addiction.
I realized how long I really felt like I had to control my own emotions so they didn’t hurt others and how that meant I would ignore things that weren’t working with my husband because I wouldn’t talk about the issues in a direct or timely way, and I would bottle it up until I blew up..
It’s ok to avoid people, and do your own thing.
That there really and truly is nothing wrong with being different.
Acne 🫠
How little I should actually care about what strangers think about me or any aspect of my life. It’s like my 30’s brought to light the reality that I should only be living to please myself(within reason). I am incapable of controlling how anyone perceives me- so why would I try to please literal strangers.
Normal seemingly sane and smart people will make the most fucking insane decisions with their romantic lives and it will leave your mind absolutely boggled yet there’s nothing you can do about it
That my parents are humans too and aren’t infallible.
That I may not have had model parents, but they both broke cycles of generational trauma including abandonment, abuse, and addiction. They had no support except each other, there was no money for therapy, or much awareness of mental health. I can’t imagine how they coped and stayed functional.
How hard marriage is.
I understood why people treated me the way they did in my early 20s. You start to see the naivety and why even the smartest 22 year old is limited in their perspective just by virtue of lack of life experience and brain chemistry. (to be clear, I’m not arguing that youth doesn’t have its advantages, young people are less set in their ways, often less willing to put up with injustice… it just wasn’t until I was older than 30 that I actually understood the other side)
Back pains, higher libido, intolerance to bullshit
The mode from which most people operate is “what’s best for me?”.
Life is more about reacting than acting.
Being single is absolutely preferable to being in an iffy relationship.
That a lot of men out there really do have a deep sense of misogyny, and the vast majority do not even realize
Mortality
Iphone hehehe
My counsellor told me [before I was 30]: ‘no one is thinking about you as much as you think they are’. Did it sting? Yes. Was she incredibly right? Also yes.
Create and build a life that makes YOU genuinely happy. Others are so engulfed in their own lives (which is great!), that they likely aren’t sitting at home replaying moments of you. 🤗
That I can enjoy doing something that I’m not very good at.
Those that mind DON’T MATTER.
Those that matter DONT MIND.
That what other people think of me is none of my business.
That being healthy and staying for requires one to be intentional.
That life and the world has enough negativity in it, so I shouldn’t invite any more in. I used to be kind of a cynical “edgy” kid that would always focus on the darker side of life, but now I try really hard to focus on the positive and just take care of myself. Any little thing that makes me happy is a good thing, even if it’s the cutest, most immature, saccharine thing in the world. That kiddy keychain that makes me smile? Yes please! Cozy video games with no challenge and cartoon art? Hell yeah! Halloween decorations all year because they make me feel like a kid? You bet!
I still enjoy things that some people might consider dark, but mostly I try to focus on stuff that just makes me happy.
The average person is kind of a jerk, actually. I didn’t understand that whole “banalty of evil” thing, or why the Milgrim experiment result was as it was.
I get it now!
People are not good or bad, they are all capable of both.
You aren’t obligated to have a relationship with anyone.
There are a ton of adult looking people out here with the emotional intelligence of poorly parented children.
You have to create the life you want.
Also…
If you want something bad enough NOTHING will stop you. So yeah, that thing you complain about wanting and not having? Yup. You don’t want it so ask yourself whose voice you’re hearing and the projected expectations they have on you.
Also…
Do things that are true to you. I used to think I had to make myself palatable, I still sometimes struggle with this. But I’ve started small. I used to always do conservative nail colours… I’m proud to tell you I have blue toenails and that is so healing for me! So be you. That’s what makes you special. That’s what will attract people who are meant to be in your life. Be you. And if you don’t know what that means, start with things you genuinely like. I’m getting green nails next.
That rest is self care. Don’t burn the candle at both ends. And if theres a busy period take take when things settle to rest. And even if youre busy, have a quiet cup of tea to yourself and some sort of downtime on those days if possible.
How to make friends and be a good friend.
My whole life, I had the same best friend, and while we would make friends with other people, I would treat those other friendships pretty casually and not put effort there. When she moved across the country, I was pretty friendless for a while. I eventually made a new friend with a very social woman. I watched that woman make so many friends so fast, and something clicked for me. I now have a whole host of friends, and it’s amazing. I’m also understanding more and more how important having a community of people is.
30s – I learned that you aren’t supposed to have to constantly teach someone how to love you right. You are supposed to walk away from unfulfilling relationships, not give the other person endless second chances and learning moments.
People pleasing is a disease.
Patience.
Focusing on/enjoying the journey, not the destination/results.