From Kindergarten- 1st grade, I was raped by someone that was supposed to be taking care of me. Instead, he stripped me of my innocence and forced me to do heinous things no kid should have to do.
Detectives came to my school. They started asking me questions and I spilled everything.
Next think I know, I’m being poked and prodded and interviewed. The man who was supposed to take care of me was arrested. And that was it for a few years.
I moved back to my home state. And it was a few years before anything else happened. I had a deposition in 4th grade. I don’t remember much of that other than playing with the cord to the microphone so much that they gave me a rubber band to fiddle with.
Then 5th grade came around. It was time for the trial. Me and my mom drove 8 hours back to the city where it all happened and I testified in court. The only think I remember in that courtroom was my hesitation when pointing out my abuser.
Life in prison without the possibility of parole.
He spent the rest of his miserable days rotting in prison where he died in 2020.
I got justice, so why do I still feel guilty? This is what people want right? It’s not the fact that a legless bastard got what he deserved. It’s the fact that so many more victims don’t get their justice.
I’ve hidden this part of myself for a long time. I’ve felt ashamed, but not anymore. Every victim deserves justice and I will continue fighting against injustice wherever I can.
Comments
So sorry you went through that OP. Hope you’re doing ok now.
I’m glad he got what was coming to him. I hope he had an utterly miserable time in prison, too.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. And I know my saying that doesn’t change anything for you.
I think it’s like you said, you know a lot of other victims don’t get their justice while also knowing just how bad the things they’ve endured can be. It makes sense that you feel that way.
I hope you’re able to help fight for the justice of other victims in a way that allows you and them to find peace.
Sorry u went through that. You have no reason to feel guilty. I would have no sympathy for him.
No need to feel guilty about it. He deserves it and actually deserved more. I hope you are okay^^
Could be a form of survivors guilt, but it’s not your fault the justice system sucks.
You did the right thing. I have so many female friends.. from my ex-wife to my best friend in the world, that have told me similar stories that they never had closure with and it still haunts them. Standing up for yourself was the greatest decision you could’ve made out of such a horrible experience. Forgive my language, but fuck that guy.. he deserved to rot. Rape is disgusting at any age, but a child?? He deserved much worse than dying in prison.
I’m sorry you had to experience this ordeal.
I think the guilt you mention is survivor’s guilt. It’s not that you feel sorry for the thing that tormented you: it’s that you feel bad for other survivors who did not get the justice you did.
I hope you realize that this is not your burden to carry: that you need not feel guilt for this. A broken system is to blame for the fact that countless survivors are not vindicated. It’s a sign of your empathy and incredible resilience that you instinctually think of others who suffered your trials. It gives me hope that you are healing and are moving on.
Thank you for persevering. Your existence is a testament to the inexhaustible energy and grace of the human spirit in surmounting the greatest horrors possible in the human world.
This should have never happened to you. You were violated and robbed of your innocence. You should not feel guilty. I hope that you heal and feel better. You deserve to be happy.
I never got to see the person who did this to me get prison time, so thank you for standing up for both of us and getting justice. You also potentially saved more kids, so you should be proud of yourself…I know I’m proud of you!
One thing justice served on him and another thing is one’s healing. My stepfather died a year ago yet I still get invasive thoughts and vengeful fantasies like e.g break the hand he strick me with but so many years ago after the abuse ended because I grew up and all
It’s that we gotta acknowledge our dignity DOES NOT depend on how others chose to treat us or how they were tempted to be unfair with us. Just because their body was improperly applied with criminal violence (sexual abuse is also a type of criminal violence for the mind and body equilibrium) it cannot remove our irrevocable worth GOD gave us. Our morale is hurt blocking us from having a sense of dignity but the dignity itself is still there only covered by our hurt and harm to morale but has not nor cannot disappear
you still have a lot of emotions to process from everything you went through and it could take a lifetime to process them. you have nothing to feel guilty about, you were a child victim and you told the truth. the man was responsible for his own actions and was sentenced for choices he made. I know logically that makes sense but emotions and logic dont go hand in hand. If the guilt comes up just remember you are still working through that time of your life and its ok to have confused feelings.
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I’m glad. I’m sorry you went through this. I know you’re not okay yet, but I know you will be. You’ve got this. Gentle hugs.
The guilt you feel is because you’re a good person with empathy. I hope you’re healing well. Thank you for standing up
Hi!
Thank you for sharing this story of your life. You are truly battle hardened. And it is so courageous of you to continue raising awareness of the trauma which victims go through, and how society does not give adequate moral support.
I also appreciate your parents, your school and the legal system. Which took this case to its logical ending, and accorded the strictest punishment to the criminal.
My best wishes to you! To heal yourself, and to remain strong and focussed towards your goals.
More strength to you!!
You’re a survivor in this story.
He deserved everything that happened to him and he’s actually the one who put himself in prison, not you. Had he not abused you (and many more kids I suspect) he wouldn’t have been sentenced to life
I’m so incredibly sorry for what you went through. You were so courageous and I’m so proud of you for being so strong. You did what I was too scared and ashamed to do and I thank you so much for your bravery❤️🫂
In Celebrate Recovery, a Christian-based twelve step program, we also do personal inventories of things we’ve endured and bad habits, hurts, and hangups we develop as a result of things that happen to us. When it comes to victims of abuse, the point is driven home that the part you play in your own abuse is zip, zero, nada. Whatever guilt or shame you have, it’s false and you have a right and need to be free from those feelings.
You can and should write:
Not guilty.
This is true for you personally. Just like the scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams’ character confronts and validates Matt Damon’s character” innocence in the childhood suffering he went through: “It’s not your fault.”