A few years ago I went to a massage parlor in town and on the second visit, I basically got what I was going there for, a happy ending. Unfortunately i very quickly discovered that instead of getting happiness from this bad decision I was really opening pandoras box into an uncontrollable obsession.
At first there was an immense feeling of guilt and regret for the fact that I was engaging with a largely immoral trade due to the undeniable way these places are fueled by sex-trafficking.
Unfortunately as I said, this very quickly turned into a basically uncontrollable obsession of mine. Every few weeks or so, something in me clicks on and start to fantasize about visiting a parlor and it feels insatiable – at my worst I would go at least once a month, and if I didn’t get what I was looking for at the first parlor, I would find myself going to multiple places back to back to find it.
When I start to want to go, it’s like nothing can stop me other than literally not having enough money to pay, or going and then immediately feeling bad for doing so. I hate how at first, my guilt was somewhat centered on acknowledging that I’m participating in an act that is really wrong towards those involved, but now it’s far more self-centered, I feel bad because I might get caught, I feel bad because I feel like I wasted money, I feel bad because I’m worried about giving myself an STD, and so much less because i’m contributing to pure-negativity in the world
When I’m trying to stop myself from engaging with this obsession, I tell myself, I don’t have the money, this is wrong- my family and friends would be so disappointed in me, i’m contributing to an industry that preys on innocent people and ruins its victims lives. But, almost zombie like, I find myself with my entire checking account taken out as cash, fingers crossed I get what I want, knowing I’m going to feel terrible after.
Even worse, as time goes on and I engage in this more and more, my desire for novelty increases. As long as I don’t go all the way, I told myself…. next thing I know, I’ve found myself visiting escorts, I seek out parlors that provide extra services… etc.
I think what I hate the most, is how out of control this makes me feel. Overall, I think I’m improving, I went from monthly, being able to stop myself for probably 4-5 months at this point. But still, it haunts me, even when I don’t go, I find myself not being able to stop looking places up, even ones I’ve already been to, I find myself looking for escorts who might satisfy me in ways I wouldn’t seek or get at parlor, hell the other day, before I knew it, 4 hours went by of me doing nothing but mindlessly looking for a potential spot before I was able to snap out of it.
I just wish I never did this in the first place and opened that box. I feel bad for anyone I’ve harmed by lacking self-control.