I’ve been reading through this forum to find similar stories to commiserate, but I ironically seem to have the opposite problem from everyone else I’ve seen?
In short; My in laws actually want to be TOO INVOLVED with my daughter, and we’re all getting resentful about things unsaid.
While other people struggle with in laws refusing to babysit, not caring to spend time together, I can’t seem to get rid of mine!
Sorry for the length, I needed to rant.
I’ve (30f) been with my husband (32M) for 15 years – high school sweethearts. Married for 4ish years.
We’ve always had a nice relationship with our parents – nothing crazy close but always pleasant.
My in laws are a classic Italian family, pretty stereotypical if I’m honest. My husband isnt a mommas boy but does care a lot about his family’s feelings and perception. He still has that classic catholic/Italian “guilt” and doesn’t like speaking up as he was taught to respect them, even when they are wrong.
It was never much of a problem, until we were covid newlyweds who unfortunately decided to buy our first home during one of the worst real estate markets. With none of our offers being accepted and our lease expired, we got stuck moving into my in-laws while we house hunted. They had a finished basement they kindly let us move into. What was supposed to be 1-3 months turned into over a year living with them.
We found out we were pregnant literally 1 week before we moved into their house. As time went on and I got more pregnant, things they would say or do started to really bother me. I can admit when I’m wrong and in hindsight I had some serious anxiety issues during/after pregnancy and put a lot of blame on them unjustly. I was so angry we didn’t have a home for our new family and all the “firsts” other people get to share with pregnancy and a newborn, were going to have to be shared with them instead of it being special for just us and I was devastated. First baths, first solid food, first smiles, first moments.
However, because they were so kind to let us live in their home I never wanted to appear ungrateful so I kept my mouth shut with every invasion of my privacy and special moment. Needless to say it’s caused some resentment I can’t seem to shake, despite buying our house and moving out with our daughter 2 years ago.
The funny part of about it all is; while I found their invasiveness so upsetting, they were constantly complaining we didn’t do enough together. That they didn’t get to hold her enough, feed her enough, didn’t get to babysit her, etc. WE LIVED TOGETHER. WE HAD DINNER TOGETHER EVERYDAY. THEY SAW HER EVERYDAY. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?
Their entire family is very passive aggressive with their feelings. They were mad at us for “keeping her from them” and we were angry with them for stomping on our special moments. A giant elephant in the room but no one wanted to say anything, so we all lived in our awkward resentment pretending to keep peace. I can only think of 1-2 times his mom ever actually spoke to me or my husband seriously to ask why we weren’t “sharing” her with them.
When we moved out finally we started having regular dinners with them about once a month, sometimes more. I feel like that’s enough. I’m a homebody and I can’t think of anyone – other than my daughter and husband – I’d like to see more than that. I’d also say that is more than the average family.
When we see them, they constantly make little “jabs” about how they never see our daughter and how we never come by. Always masked in some fake nicety but awkward nonetheless. I usually ignore it.
But it’s gotten worse lately. My FIL has been acting strangely around me, like he’s holding some anger towards me. Not saying anything outright, but not holding eye contact or conversation like he used to. We keep hearing from my SIL about how they complain to her behind our back.
Today, I asked my sister in law to babysit our daughter while we went to a friend’s for a couple hours. They haven’t in many months and had a great time last time. My inlaws threw a temper tantrum to my SIL (not to us) that we didn’t ask them instead and how they never see her. Mind you, we are going to their house TOMORROW.
I feel bad complaining that my issue is having grandparents who love my daughter so much they want to see her. But I also want my effing space. I didn’t start a family with my husband to pass her off to someone else. I work all week, so my time with my daughter and husband on weekends is limited and I don’t want to share it all the friggen time.
I also don’t like being weirdly made to feel like they are the only one allowed to babysit MY daughter out of some kind of weird fear they’ll throw a tantrum and talk shit about us if we dont? I cant help but think its some kind of control problem that they pout when they dont cant to control how often/who/when my daughter is with someone else. It’s not their business.
Should I say something? My husband is hesitant as he likes keeping the peace and – bless him – is such a people pleaser that he often gets walked all over. So it’s more than likely I would be the one who would have to do all/most of the talking.
If so, how do I express respectfully that it’s none of their business what I do with my kid and they may have had some assumptions about what life as a grandparent would be like, but they weren’t mine. They had their turn to raise kids how they wanted, now it’s mine.