I want to be a boy, I want to be perceived as a boy. Whenever I’m in public and I’m mistaken as a boy, I feel so happy, but I feel upset when people refer to me as a girl. I go to a catholic all-girls school, so when teachers refer to a group of us, they just say ‘girls!’ and I have no idea why, but something about that upsets me so much.
I want to look like a boy. I want a boy’s body. I want a boy’s voice. I want a boy’s name. I want my friends to introduce me to someone and say ‘HIS name is-‘.
But I don’t think I’m trans because these feelings keep coming and going, so if I say I’m trans, I feel like a “poser” or someone pretending. Like, do I even want to be a boy? yes! But at the same time….. everything would change. And I could probably just live as a girl. So am I an attention seeker at this point?
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Maybe gender fluid? Or GNC? Or butch?
You are NOT a poser nor are you an attention seeker. This is exactly how me being trans started out. When I was younger I would hate being perceived as a girl, dresses made me uncomfortable, long hair was a nono etc etc. my parents just thought I was a tomboy and I went with it until someone called me he. That changed my life. I’ve been trans for many years but the feelings are not there 100% of the time. What you’re talking about is dysphoria. Not feeling comfortable being who you were born as. This is not a constant feeling for most (it can be but it’s not always) and will come and go. Sometimes I can wear a dress and makeup and feel pretty and feminine, but I’m still a trans man.
Remember that nowadays gender is soooo fluid and you do not need to immediately try get a label in order to be happy. Try little things like asking your closest friends to use he/him on you or call you a boy/male. See if that brings euphoria and makes you feel happier/safer. I’d also go to trans communities and ask people how the beginning of their journey was for them: seek comfort and familiarity, it could help you figure it out.
No matter what happens – you’re valid and you matter 🙂
Traness or whatever isn’t a straight line, you don’t have to hate your current gender constantly in order to be properly trans. So these feelings coming and going is normal rlly
Definitely speak with a counselor or therapist! You don’t have to go through something like this alone!
Honestly, I thought the same way for a time. It’s imposter syndrome and it happens to everyone. But we’re told that being trans must mean we’re confused, it’s a phase or you’re mentally ill. It’s easier not to change, and it’s easier to go along with the narrative provided to us (our gender at birth). But is it better? Are you happy? Are you the person you want to be?
When your answer is no to whether or not you’re the person you want to be and it’s consistent (I mean over time since there are times we feel okay as you pointed out) then yah, I’d say you’re trans based on your own description.
Touching on how sometimes it feels okay or doable or “why am I even fighting this? At least I get blank (insert social factor or other) as a girl.” It’s safe. Just like not upsetting your abuser is safe. It’s a coping mechanism and you’re feeling okay sometimes because you NEED to feel okay. At least, that’s how I understand the emotions tied up in this situation. Being trans puts you out there one way or another and that alone can be enough to stifle your voice.
So, you don’t need to doubt yourself. In fact, we’ve been taught to doubt ourselves…for a reason. Don’t allow them to steal your gut feelings. They’re in your gut for a reason (fun fact, they’re actually proving more and more that our gut microbiome may have more to do with our emotions/personality than our brains do. In certain ways of course but it’s interesting). So trust that feeling especially over societal opinion.
Last thing. For me, with ADHD, I’ve learned to gauge my interest or sustained emotions over time. I have a lot of short hyper focus interests. I usually give myself a minimum of two weeks before I invest anything in a hobby (when I’m able to stop my impulsivity). On the larger scale, feelings that persist and are not relieved with time or conversation are worthy of note and should be taken seriously. I’d say a good 1-3+ months should be enough to seriously look into your emotions as something not passing on by for some reason (AKA, reoccurring gender dysphoria). If you have trouble trusting yourself, giving yourself more concrete markers and checking in with yourself can be good tools for learning to trust your gut the first time (or at least before too long).
It can also be surprising when you suddenly realize that thought you had a couple weeks ago…was about 3-6 months ago (ADHD perception of time but emotional topics can get lost in the timeline easily for anyone).