I’m expecting our first baby and I feel it’s important to preface that my husband and I are not religious people. We were both raised in very religious household but have grown to become more spiritual than religious.
The other night my husband and I were talking about when we would fly back to our home state to take our baby on a welcome tour to meet both families, and he mentioned that his mom wants our baby to meet his church family for the christening she is planning.
I was taken aback because we haven’t had a discussion on what we wanted to do about this topic yet, so hearing that she has already planned it and just needs a date was off-putting. I am the one creating and carrying this baby and she hasn’t bothered to consult me or ask for my opinion. I personally don’t want him christened, as I don’t love the push for religion early on, and I planned to allow him to make that decision for himself when he was old enough to consciously choose. But I come from a Catholic family, so what if I wanted him christened in a Catholic church instead of her Baptist church? What if we wanted to have him christened where we live instead of in the state we both grew up in? My husband and I were not considered in this equation. Apparently all her other grandchildren were christened in her church so she is expecting us to do the same. But this feels like the first step towards her controlling decisions made for our child.
My husband heard my concerns and promised that we would make the decision together and not to listen to her influence- which I am grateful for.
Because of her pushiness on this matter my rebellious side wants to refuse to christen him as a baby altogether and and stick with my idea to let him choose which religion he would like to live by when he is old enough to make that decision for himself. Am I overreacting?
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MIL does NOT get to unilaterally make decisions for your child.
Definitely not overreacting. It’s like she’s calling dibs on your child’s religion-yikes! I can’t believe that she thinks she has any say in this at all.
Have you had a conversation with her about it? Try that first—she might be assuming you’re okay with it because the tradition but when told you aren’t, will back off without a fight.
Tell MIL that you won’t be getting the baby baptized. If she won’t stop it, then no, not overreacting, and I would call the church and ask for any details and tell them straight out that the parents are not planning to raise the child in the church. They probably won’t baptize a child without a parent’s consent.
If anything you could call the pastor at her church and let him know you have just been informed this might happen, and that you have not been in the loop at all, let him know she is overstepping and you would like to work out something else (if that’s what you want) or that you are not sure if this will be happening. But let him know that grandma didn’t talk to the parents of the kid. I believe that’s a no no for them. But I could be wrong.
Do not let your MIL babysit because then a christening will happen while she has LO
As the parents you get 100% control
It worries me that you’re husband knows your feelings and hasn’t done a hard shut down of his mom. You both need to make sure she understands that she does not have the right to the christening and you won’t be doing one
I am worried you will get forced into this when you return to your natal state.
Abso-fucking-lutely not should you allow this christening to happen OP. This is not her decision to make, make it crystal clear to her that you are open to a picnic or something to allow introductions but you will NOT be baptizing your child in her church. You have your own ideas about it and, given she hasn’t even brought it up to you, you’re not comfortable. If you end up caving to anything, she’s going to do this over and over. Pick your battles and this is one hill you should die on
Not a bit and what the hell to your husband just casually mentioning that your MIL is planning a christening when neither of you are religiously observant.
This is a power play by MIL. Husband needs to tell MIL absolute not to christening. In addition, husband needs to tell MIL that you and husband will make all decisions about your child. This needs to be done now and do not allow it to fester. If you do, you will regret it for a long time. MIL will throw a trantrum and try to make you and husband the bad guys. Don’t fall for this.
In addition, do not ever leave your child alone with MIL. I can see her going off to the church with your child, or claim she has holy water from the church and try to sprinkle your child.
I would not be taking a young baby on a plane. Too much of a risk of your baby getting sick due to tight quarters and who knows who may be sick on the plane. I am not talking a few months, but, minimum, 9 months.
Be prepared for more overstepping by MIL. MIL will just bombard you and husband with what she wants without any concern for you.
I just remembered looking below you are the couple where MIL wanted 5K from husband and for husband not to tell you. Remember this – MIL is to never be trusted, ever, but you already know this.
Best wishes for a healthy baby. Do not let MIL take advantage of you and husband.
Christening isn’t even a real Protestant Evangelical practice. It’s a vanity event. Not like it is for Catholic and Orthodox.
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Spouse needs to shut this down. If he fails to do so, you do it. “thanks, but NO. This is not a decision you get to make MIL, and it’s not up for debate or further discussion.”
Tell your husband that your son does not have a church family because it is not the job of his mommy to decide such.
It’s your baby. You make the plans. You head up events. You aren’t skipping it, you aren’t allowing it. That’s a big difference.
Yeah this is an area where you need to put your foot down and set a boundary. The fact you said you don’t want the child christened is reason enough. If you let her overstep this boundary then you set the precedent for future boundaries to be overstepped too.
Everyone saying hold your ground is correct, and I would like to add a middle option in case you need it taht helped me a bit with my in laws when my husband was in the fog.
Remove the immediacy of this decision by saying you are NOT christening him this trip but don’t block off the idea officially just yet. Not that you will change your mind, but because it sets up a strawman for her. The christening (happen/not happen/where/ ect) can be discussed “later” her specific plan needs to be shut down now. By saying no “for now” you remove the immediacy and all the feelings of now or never with your husband. After the trip you guys decide together, but i would not let her force you into a choice now. Remove it as an option. It has the potential of creating a false dichotomy for your husband which she will exploit.
It’s like car salesmen insisting other people were looking at the same car. Commit to not buying a car at all that day, you are just browsing and are unable to sign anything that day. They will leave you alone until you decide to engage with them, if you ever do.
Really, why should a baby get baptized in a church states away from where they live and will grow up? They aren’t going to have anything to do with those people at all.
[Christians are so overbearing with the “saving” business, Catholics aren’t much better. Some 114M Americans are “unchurched” aka “a restful Sunday of no fees, tithes, agenda, guilt” ]
This is a two yes, one no situation – and the two yesses or one no are only from the parents.
Do not let your child stay with them. I made the mistake of trusting my (catholic) mother with my daughter for a couple of weeks over summer when she was 5.
She had her christened despite both my (ex)wife and myself stating several times that we did not want her christened.
It was attended by the head of RE from my old school (who was a family friend), and a very close friend from that school – both of whom knew exactly where I stood on this.
I agree with you. But if she’s pushing for her Baptist church, do both! Normally I would say it’s up to the parents 1000%. I’m UMC & my XH wasn’t raised in any church. We had all 3 of our daughters, him & I baptized together. None of my 10 grandkids have been baptized.
Before you decide if you’re overreacting, please decide what you’re opposing!
MIL wants a Baptist christening. In her church. After you fly in to visit.
You want . . . what? If no christening, that’s a huge point to discuss with DH.
If you agree on a christening, what faith do you and DH choose?
If you choose a faith, what setting do you want (your own home area now, doesn’t matter who attends; or, any area, would love to have out of state family there).
IF the answer is yes, and Baptist, and with family as opposed to your current home area, then it’s time for DH to say, “Mom, OP is joining us for all discussions of the ceremony and reception. And we’ve chosen the godparents. Don’t book or even hold any other arrangements til we all talk.”
Baptists don’t do infant baptism, so if the MIL is actually a Baptist, as the OP says, this isn’t an issue at all. Not sure where she’s planning to do a baptism, of course.
I would stand my ground in this and think you’re right that this is very controlling behavior. She could use the baptism as a way to pressure you to raise your child the religious way she wants and not how you and your husband want. I think is ridiculous that she made this decision without asking you if this is something you desire.
My husband was raised Lutheran, while I was raised Catholic. Neither of us is very religious, but we opted to raise the kids Catholic. The reasoning was if they choose a different denomination when they’re older, it’s a lot easier for them to convert from Catholic to something else than to go the other way.
It looks like Catholics will accept any baptism as long as it follows the Trinitarian formula (water plus the Trinity), so that’s not the problem. It’s the assumption that you will be doing this that’s the problem. She probably talked with your husband about it and assumed it would go as she wants because he didn’t argue.
If you really want to irritate her, get the baptism done locally in a Catholic Church, or even ask for a priest in the hospital to do it. As long as you don’t baptize, she will always think she can push it or even sneak around behind your back. If you do it your way on your terms, she can’t force it. It’s done, and you can decide from there how much additional religious education you want to allow.
Your husband sounds like he was trying to save his ass when you said you were upset and suddenly you guys are a team who will decide if you baby is baptized or not together but it doesn’t sound like he did put his mom in her place telling her not to be planning things
Do not let her baptize your child. That is ridiculous. It is YOUR child. She gets ZERO say in its upbringing.
There are two issues here. One is wether you get your child christened into a religion you aren’t part of or not.
The other is wether you let your MIL control a situation she should have no part of in the first place. She felt so entitled to do this without even consulting you. Imagine what other situations she will feel entitled to in the future if you let this slide.
Note to everyone: Catholics. Are. Christians.
If you refer to Catholics, then refer to the other denomination: Baptists.
And if they are unaffiliated, then Protestants is perfectly acceptable.
Thank you. End PSA.
My Episcopalian MIL desperately wanted our son to be christened. My husband converted and joined my Baptist church, and we were raising our son in that church. Baptists do not do infant baptism.
I told my MIL that if it was so important to her, she could arrange a christening, but she paid and made all the plans. She had to clear the date with us.
Her priest put the kabosh to her plans. Unless our son was being baptized into the Episcopal church, he would not allow a christening.
She did a bathtub baptism at her house in secret. I just laughed.
My son later did a profession of faith and was baptized at our church. MIL was “too busy” to attend.
This is YOUR baby, the final decision rests with you. If you feel strongly about it, let her know now that 1. You don’t appreciate not being included in decisions about YOUR child. 2. Anything regarding the baby will be run by you, if you’re not in agreement it’s NOT happening. 3. Unannounced visits are off the table and not happening. You really need to enforce and stick to your boundaries. If you don’t they will be walked all over. Let them know you’re not to be tried or tested because they will lose everytime and you need to confirm that you and your husband are a united front and he’s not just appeasing you.
Just tell her the baby has already been christened in your home town church.
Not overreacting AT ALL. Your MIL is way out of line. The fact that she never even ASKED is preposterous. It’s irrelevant that other grandkids WERE baptized in her church. You and hubs are the parents and the both of you get to decide.
You and hubs are not practicing so it makes perfect sense to let your child make their own decision when they’re old enough.
And what’s more: if you let your MIL cross this line there’s no saying where and when she’ll stop. Refusing to let her have her way will give her a clear indication that you will not tolerate any boundary crossing.
Nip this thing in the bud please!
Hope your pregnancy and delivery will go as smoothly as possible, hugs
Not over-reacting. I can’t tell you what to do about such a personal choice, but MIL needs a wake up call immediately. Allowing or NOT allowing her to call the shots on this will set the tone for going forward. Don’t let her set a precedent.
Op I would not let this happen. She will take over all your decisions.
Oh, if I were to Baptism the child, I’d thumb my nose at her and the most Catholic Baptism that ever Catholiced.
You and DH need to be united in this decision and in deciding how your child will be raised.
He must inform HIS mother about YOUR united decision
u/bot-sleuth-bot
Also consider the trip: it’s very hard to travel with a baby. Instead, decide when you are comfortable with visitors coming to you (staying in a hotel, because baby needs to not be disturbed by overnight visitors). You control when, for how long, with what activities, visitors visit as the baby’s parents.
Maybe in a year or two or three you’ll consider a longer trip, but you’ll be staying at a hotel, and all the activities remain controlled by you as the parents.
In my country, even people who are not very religious (ie they go to church only on Easter and Christmas) do christen their kids, it’s more about tradition nowadays even if you don’t regularly go to church, an opportunity for the family to gather and celebrate, have lunch together after the ceremony, dance etc. Like a mini wedding reception. But. The real issue here is someone else planning the whole event and you being a simple guest that only picks the day. If you wanted it – religious or not – don’t let someone else steal the experience of planning your own kid’s christening. It only happens once and you should enjoy it as you wish and have good memories from the day.