Biggest fight with husband is money , he is the bread winner . I do work and go to school and take care of our 4 kids. I would have been done with school along time ago but had my daughter and 15 months later my son and 2 more after that . I sacrificed nursing school so I could be home with kids and he went to work . Also so he could complete his education to assist him in getting a good paying job . I have always cooked cleaned grocery shopped laundry ran the errands and took care of everyone . I have worked here and there but he always told me oh don’t take that job it’s far from kids , or you can’t travel what about kids ?So I have quit because I was always focused on kids . I now have teens so they can do a lot but still need me and I finally was able to get back to nursing school and working full time and I still took care of everything . Unfortunately I failed school because I couldn’t keep up with everything . I let everyone in my family know that I needed help and didn’t get the support I needed. I mean in the end it’s my fault , but what bothers me is he gets mad at me and keeps bringing up my loan and when am I gonna go back ? I’m trying to get everything back in order but it’s hard . Then he holds him working full time hours and he pays all the bills, so what am i complaining about ?I make nothing compared to him . The little money I make I buy groceries, pay the internet , my gas and try to take care of kids needs. I don’t buy myself anything , I don’t ask for anything and when he buys or does anything he complains or holds it over us. He is never home , and I never say anything , he should be able to have a hobby and enjoy himself but I feel he makes time for his hobby and going out with friends and his parents and siblings . I feel like I have to beg for him to be with us and when he is he is not pleasant or complains . I asked him to go to counseling he won’t , I try to talk and say what I feel but nothing , he turns everything against me . It sucks because this big nice job he has is because of my family ,of course he has maintained it but the industry and position is incredibly difficult to get into and my family basically got him a free pass that they know me and he is hired . He has also been able to gain repore and relationships with many coworkers due to knowing me. And I think that’s what frustrates me is that I helped him succeed and he throws everything In my face . I sacrificed so much and have pushed my dreams aside for not just him but our family to succeed . Yet it’s like he does it all . Again grateful that he takes care of our mortgage insurance car phone and utilities . But I wait on him hand and foot , he comes home showers and goes straight to our bed and on his phone . I serve him dinner , I wash his laundry clean and do whatever I have to for kids . I have been have been called a loser and I believe it , I’m not where I should be in life and feel like I have nothing to show for it . I don’t want to get a divorce but I couldn’t even if I wanted to I’m not financially in any position , nor do I have someone to assist me . I’m just tired and I’m so depressed and losing hope in anything . I don’t know what my questions are but I guess just advice , I take meds , tried therapy to make myself better , and my kids keep me going . I don’t k os when
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He sounds insanely ungrateful and I’m sorry that it’s getting to you.
Just stop. I did the exact same thing. He’s leaving me Aug 11th. Find yourself. Be yourself. Be what he feel in love with plus whatever growth you have done for yourself.
Why don’t you tell him that I, a 50 year old male, owns an office, in charge of 20 employees, leaves at 7:00 for my full time job, and I get back at 6:00. My wife also works full time, but she leaves at 9:00 and gets back at 7:30. Our kids are teens, so they sort of manage themselves. However, I do all of the grocery shopping…Sunday and Wednesday. I do all of the meal planning, cook and clean Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. My wife is off Thursday, so she cooks, but I plan that meal and help with dishes. I also cook Friday and Sunday…and sometimes weekend breakfasts too. I do the laundry, but don’t fold it. I do all of the outside work, all bills, basically manage everything for the family. When our 3 kids were younger, I managed all school things, and do all of their doctor appointments…pets too. On top of that, I make about 8x what my wife does, and she only works 3 days a week. I paid off all of her student loans.
Tell him this isn’t the 1950s, even though that’s what Trump wants (if you’re in the US). Unless he leaves at 4:00 am and gets home at 8pm, he can fucking help. Taking care of 4 kids is more than a full time job, and he’s an asshole for not acknowledging that…especially if you were also going to school and trying to work. Everything you’re doing is infinitely harder.
Just because he gets paid for what he does, it doesn’t mean he works harder than you. He needs to learn that and you need to stand up to him and tell him that.
And if you are in the US, and you’re Trump supporters, then I don’t have sympathy for anyone in that position.
I get that you don’t want a divorce, but he is financially abusive and actively keeping you under his control by doing so. It might sound too difficult, but if you think about it, you would likely get a lot more financial support being divorced than you would married as well as have more time to work and study. I get it. It sounds like a bridge too far but he is allowed to make up his own rules with you married, but those rules wouldn’t fly in a divorce.
I absolutely hate it when women say they ‘helped ‘ the husband’s career by staying home and taking care of the kids.
YOU CHOSE to have kids, FOUR of them.
YOU CHOSE to stay home.
He studied to get his qualifications, you didn’t do anything directly with his studies.
He grinded to grow his career, you didn’t do anything with his career
I would agree He shouldn’t make snarky comments about money, if the money you need is for the household then he should pay as he is the breadwinner.
I don’t know what state/country you’re in. But you’re not a loser, or behind.
You sacrificed your own career to be a stay at home mom, that’s not easy either. Being a full time caregiver to 4 children takes time, and a lot of stay at home parents don’t make it back into the workforce until the kids are grown.
You could look at the going rates for childcare in your area, high dollar care, along with cleaning and cooking services. And start invoicing your husband weekly, maybe that would put it into perspective one of the things your sacrifice has saved for the family.
Your spouse doesn’t sound like a partner, and if they refuse counseling to help see that they’re only successful because they have you supporting their home life – I’d consider squirreling some money into a private account here and there so you can afford an attorney to pursue a divorce. And at least in the US, you’d likely be entitled to a lot more than you think you are, due to the courts recognizing him not being successful without your help. (I’m not a lawyer, but I think you need one)
So he is mad you took a loan out and failed to follow through with the debt? Who pays the debt?
For those of you that suggest a man should work all day come home and cook and clean while his wife is a stahm…yall some enabling lazy motherfuckers.
Her “job” is to watch the kids…that is it? Is it still a job when the father does it? Then this dude is working two jobs and cooking and cleaning?
Lazy good for nothing hobos.
He’s abusing you. Your only recourse here is to get your ducks in a row and safely leave him.
https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I just want you to know that I hear you and many other moms who are trying to balence being the best homemaker, while also trying to take care of yourself also hear you. I wish the best in your future!
Ok. Just going to be blunt.
I am sure he feels used and likely a few other things. To him they are real feelings. I will say they are not fully correct feelings (he is not being used but he might feel neglected in some way which is just how life sounds for yall right now).
Your feelings are very valid. And you have taken a lot on in the relationship. His work might be not going as he hoped. Or it might be more stressful than it should be. So he might feel he is sacrificing for you. And you are sacrificing for him.
I highly suggest group counseling. It would do both of you wonders.
This can be saved. But it is going to be a rough part. Sounds like both of you are hurt. You bearing much of the pain right now. But don’t just throw his emotions or pain away. It might not be much when you compare it to yours but to him it is bigger.
I think both of you would benefit from date nights and long walks. Just you two. Long talks and no secrets. Both of you listening and not attacking. Use “we” a lot and remember the base of the relationship was (and I hope is still) love. Build on that. Therapy. Couples. Very soon. Like yesterday.
Best of luck to you. But if he closes up, refused to try, and just will not make an effort… then open the door to divorce. Ending things even now at the hardest part is better than staying in a ship that has already sunk.
Edit to be sure that you understand that I am NOT blaming you in any of this.
I know leaving sounds difficult, but things will be much easier without him. You would receive child support and alimony and have one less person to take care of. You will find yourself again and get your life back and discover your own joys, he will have to step up and help take care of your children when he has custody or he’ll be paying even more child support. You are just a servant to him and you deserve better.
I figured reading the title that the reason is because your husband doesn’t seem to like you and then I read half of this and I was like ahhh yes the husband doesn’t like her. I’m sorry you are a super star and deserve better than that
He is successful because of you.
He couldn’t work his job without you taking care of the family and kids.
He wouldn’t HAVE his job without your family’s influence.
His success is your success – the one he’s stolen from you for years and continues to do so because you wait on him as if he’s helpless.
REFOCUS.
Look after yourself, your kids, your schooling.
Don’t do his laundry, cook his meals, bring him anything… you have loans because you kite yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Stop.
I have more peace as a single mom than I did when I was with my ex.
I’m a better mom.
Your husband is a jerk.
Eta he’s abusive. Get out so your kids stay safe
This is such a common post….why are all these women putting up with being treated like a doormat? This is terrible for your children. Grow a backbone and leave him. All you have to say is that you’ve been completely unappreciated for years and you are tired of him treating you like shit. End of story.
My advice is as 65 year old man. You have done well. Now, it’s time to have the crazy conversation with your family. I call it crazy because that’s what they will think. Start with the kids. They are teens and can help around the house. Finish with the husband, maybe in private, and let him know you are not thinking of divorce. However, you are tired of being his punching bag and feeling like you fail yourself by not finishing school. Tell him you are going back to school, full time. That means no work to reach your goal, and you don’t want his support. You expect him to support you. So you can be able to feel that you succeeded. Best of luck.
Are you my mom?
My parents are 70 and he still screams at her that “it’s my money. You never had a real job bc you just played with re**arded kids making chump change!”
Just FYI, he’s gonna keep treating you like shit because that’s who he is. My mom spent two decades working with disabled kids and he spits on it. Some people are just bad people but are able to trick someone long enough to marry them.
I recognize all you are doing based on your post. However, neither of you are behaving as though you both are on the same team, “Team Relationship” or “Team Family”. I strongly suggest you keep putting pressure on him to do couples counseling, because neither of you are on the same team.
Start pushing back a little by showing him what his actions are influencing.
> but what bothers me is he gets mad at me and keeps bringing up my loan and when am I gonna go back ?
“I don’t have time to go back to school if you expect me to have a job, do all the chores & errands, and take care of the kids in all aspects. If you want me to go back to school, we need to get on the same team of how we are going to make that happen. Part of that is how some responsibilities are renegotiated between you and me. The kids also need to start learning more about being self-sufficient so they are part of those responsibilities.”
> The little money I make I buy groceries, pay the internet , my gas and try to take care of kids needs. I don’t buy myself anything , I don’t ask for anything and when he buys or does anything he complains or holds it over us.
> Then he holds him working full time hours and he pays all the bills,
He doesn’t pay for “ALL” the bills if you’re paying for food, internet, gas, and kids’ needs. So you can say, “Thank you so much for providing a home for our family and taking care of so many financial responsibilities for us to exist and be successful. We also want you to be a part of it. We miss you even though you are physically right here.”
Discussing a shared budget is also a team effort. It sounds like you both have not made agreements about expenses and shared finances, and resent each other for it.
Keep gently hammering counseling and angles to get & be on the same team. He is silently suffering inside, likely doesn’t have a few of his own needs being met by himself and by you, and taking his frustrations & built-up resentment out on you. In the meantime, read books to learn more, by Stan Tatkin, John Gottman, Marshall Rosenberg, etc. Try to sneak in what you learn to influence what you can.
PS please learn how to use paragraphs. That blob of words was difficult to stay engaged to read it through.
You’re being abused. He’s keeping you dependent on him so he has power over you. Of course he’s going to discourage and sabotage anything you do that will give you some independence.
Please find a way to leave safely and swiftly.
“Why does my husband 40M hold success, money, job over me 40F?”
He’s using it as an excuse to justify him completely checking out of his marriage and to absolve himself of all his relationship responsibilities. You could just as easily throw in his face how you took care of his kids so he could finish school and work, as well as your family’s connections that got his foot in the door with his profession. But you don’t do that, because unlike him, you know that both of you have contributed a lot to the family. When he brings up your school loan, ask him if you ever presented him with a bill for all the domestic labor you did while he went to school. In fact, if you add up the cost of all the domestic labor a SAHM does, it comes to something like $90,000/year. When he asks when you’ll go back to school, tell him when he starts helping out domestically like you did when he went to school.
He holds all his financial contributions over you guys, as if it isn’t his duty as a father and husband, like it’s some generous act of charity on his part that you should just shut up and be grateful for. Being a husband and father is a helk of a lot more than just providing financially. It’s about being there, which he isn’t, spending time with you, which he only rarely and begrudgingly does, listening to how your wife feels, which he turns against you, and making an effort to solve marital problems, which he refuses to do. For Christ’s sake, you have been driven into depression over all this and still he can’t be bothered to make a single change. And real husbands don’t do all this and more just because they feel they have to, mind you. They do it because they want to.
It’s high time your husband understand he is in a romantic/familial relationship, not a business relationship. He needs to let you know why he doesn’t do all the things I mentioned, and if he wants that to change. Because if he doesn’t want to change, then he is all but telling you he no longer wants to be married to you, and the two of you are currently married in name only. And if that’s the case, then my advice would be to get divorced as soon as it’s feasible. Because he will never change if he doesn’t even believe there’s a problem, much less wants to.
P.S. – Don’t for a second think you have nothing to show for your life. You have four wonderful children, and they didn’t get that way without all your love, sacrifice, hard work, patience, and dedication. Give yourself some much deserved credit.
Don’t sound like you both are going to be happy together anymore. I wish you both love as and happiness
Your 40 year old you should communicate things to him. If you think changing the man is going to make a difference I’m going to have some really bad news for you.