I’m 34M, just moved back to my hometown after 6 years away. Been hanging out with my old crew – my two best mates Jake and Tom, their wives Sarah and Mel, plus Anne (30F) who’s Sarah and Mel’s best friend.
Anne has been single for a while and Sarah mentioned we would be good fit and to ask her out for a date. Anne is a incredibly attractive with an amazing personality.
Anne and I have been on one proper date and hung out maybe 3-4 times in group settings over the past month. There’s definitely been chemistry – lots of texting, some light physical stuff, staying up late talking when we’re all out together. After our first date she said we should take it slow because “it could get messy with the friend group if things don’t work out” and also mentioned she’s “still figuring out what she wants after everything with her ex.” Fair enough, I respected that.
Honestly thought we were heading somewhere. She’d been hinting about weekend plans, asking when I’m free next, that sort of thing. Mel kept making comments like “you two are so cute together” and “Anne seems really happy lately.”
Saturday we all went to the local beer festival. Ended up chatting with a few guys from our local pro sports team who were there – nothing crazy, just having beers and talking footy. One of them was definitely paying attention to Anne but I didn’t think much of it since we were all just having a good time.
The next day Jake told me Anne went home with Brad. When Sarah found out Jake told me, she called me up saying “it doesn’t mean anything, she was just drunk, she really likes YOU, don’t make this weird.”
Look, Anne’s a grown woman and we never said we were exclusive. But for me personally, if I’m genuinely interested in someone and think it’s going somewhere, I’m not hooking up with other people. Apparently she doesn’t feel the same way.
When Anne texted asking about getting dinner this week, I just said I’m swamped with work travel (which is true) and maybe we should just stay friends for now since the group dynamic is important.
Now both Sarah and Mel are blowing up my phone saying I’m being “dramatic” and “punishing her for being honest about what she wants” and that I should “give her a chance to explain.”
AITA here? I’m not trying to shame her or anything, I just don’t think we’re on the same page about dating
Comments
NAH – your choice to go out on another date or not
No AHs here to be seen. The relationship never panned out.
NTA at all. You just said you should just stay friends. In no way could you possibly be TA.
NTA
She wanted to have her cake and eat it too.
NTA. Her boning someone else simply caused you to lose interest. Totally normal.
NTA I 💯 agree with you if im talking with someone and genuinely wanting to start a relationship. hooking up with someone would be a no no. She wanted him that night and not you? Yea id personally be feeling disrespected so im good enought to talk and go on a date but some dude gets to smash you after a night of drinking?! You made the right call keeping it as friends.
NTA. You have your standards, she has hers, and they don’t line up.
Honestly, if she was truly interested, she should have known better. Most people I know would line up with your views here. She made her choices, and choices have consequences.
NTA. Anne couldn’t keep her legs closed long enough for this to become an exclusive relationship.
Bullet dodged.
What Anne did is a huge turn-off and a 100 foot high neon red billboard for any decent human being that isn’t a cuck.
Btw you need better friends. Those people fucking suck. Find your own dates from here thru.
Best of luck.
Were just chilling there when she was getting stuck into the other guy? That must have been awkward
Updateme
Nta. That’s weird to show interest but ask to take things slow and then bone some one else.
I’d lose interest as well. Nothing wrong with that.
Updateme!
NTA, and you should definitely not date her.
There are two possibilities. 1) She thinks you’re cool but is not super turned on by you, hence wanting to take it slow but still wanting to hook up with. 2) She’s really into you but doesn’t find a conflict between that and lusting after someone else.
Both are plausible, and it doesn’t really matter which. In either case, you don’t want to be with her.
It sounds like they think what Anne wants/needs is more important than what you want/need and that maybe they want you and Anne together more than Anne wants to be with you. The thing is, if she is just trying to figure things out, then it would be better to date her down the road after she’s found herself. She’s already said she’s figuring things out, which you’re respecting, but her friends just want her paired up for their own convenience.
Nta
Guess we know why even though she’s ‘incredibly attractive with an amazing personality’ she’s still single at the age of 34….
NTAH – she wants to bone chad – picking him up right in front of your face, while telling you that she really likes you and wants to take it slow… f that…
There’s no guy on earth who’s going to be cool with the girl he’s talking to banging some rando while stringing him along and making him work for it…
Old friend of mine gave me some sage advice… let them come to you.
You said you were busy, assuming that’s fact, no big deal, 30s is a busy time, if she’s interested she’ll, reach out, especially if she’s really interested, if she’s not, she won’t and you can move on to someone who will be interested. If you’re interested in her, just make it clear the doors still open, no big deal.
You too haven’t done enough, or gotten to know each other well enough to know each other well enough to know whether or not it’s “going somewhere”. Like ONE proper date and few group hangs is hardly quality time and def not dating. AND she fully disclosed that she wasn’t sure what she wanted since she broke up with her ex. Gimme a break dude.
Nta. I want a relationship with you, but I’m just gonna bone Brad while we see where this goes. Lol… No.
What was Anne’s response? Its also funny her friends trying to say it doesn’t matter if the situation was reversed they’d have her back.
NTA, she was being honest about what she wanted, you are being honest about what you don’t want.
Why would you want someone who puts it about? You were literally at the same bar as her.
Tell their husbands, to speak to their wives. You don’t have to date someone because they want you to. You realised your morals don’t align, end of story
Updateme
NTA. If she boned someone else while talking to you, don’t you become the simp, good guy. Get yours and move on. She not looking for a man to be with she looking for a man to bone her.
NTA
She made her choice and you’re making yours.
You should let your friends know that it’s done and if they keep pursuing this, it may damage the friendships. Ultimately it’s none of their business, although I’m shocked they’re writing her actions off so easily.
NTA Saying “we weren’t exclusive” is just a way to dodge responsibility for what she did , and what she did was messed up. I’m not saying she’s a bad person, but she blew her shot with you, and that’s on her. Her actions make it clear that your feelings didn’t really matter to her, so you have every right to walk away.
NTA, I’d be out too, without even a reply. I couldn’t care less the reason, or explanation. It isn’t my business.
NTA. But perhaps before going into another potential relationship all the variables are spoken to help each other out
NTA. Fuck her, genuine interest and a healthy relationship begins with loyalty and ends with loyalty. it’s a lack of accountability and the thought that you can do
whatever you want and others have to be okay with it that really PMO.
i never subscribed to that “we didn’t ever commit per say” narrative. if you genuinely like someone you’re not out hooking up with other people.
NTA , , , you dodged the bullet . . . stay strong and move on with your life
NTA. You’re not ‘punishing her for being honest about what she wants’ you’re basing your actions and feelings based off of her actions and feelings. Just as she isn’t the AH for doing what she wants neither are you. The AH here are Sarah and Mel, and Anne if she agrees with them but based off of what’s provided she isn’t so far
NTA, I would just respond with, happy for her to explain, standing by for the text.
u/bot-sleuth-bot
NTA. You weren’t exclusive. Cool. But if she was genuinely that interested in you and starting a relationship I don’t think she’d be looking for that in other places. Enough other fish in the sea.
It’s fine for what she did to mean you dont want to date her, but be a grown-up and talk to hrr about it, rather than lie about being busy. And ignore every comment here that says “simp” or “cuck” because we don’t take advice off incels.
Just tell her how it is, that you’d rather not get into anything with her when a quick hookup is more important than seeing where things might go.
She can do whatever she wants with her time and her body, but so can you and the fact that people are giving you shit for it also means that they’re the “You’re lucky she pays attention to you at all” type of “friends”
Neither of you are the AH. You have the right to not dig it if she’s into others, ànd as you keep saying she has the right to do whatever she wants especially since she told you she wants to take things slow and not rush into a relationship.
I’m kinda confused why her weird friends seem to be pushing you into continuing to pursue her when she doesn’t really seem to want to that much.
NTA, you are not on the same page about dating.
She was at a festival in a group with you and left to have sex with someone else.
She has little to no respect for you.
“When Sarah found out Jake told me, she called me up saying ‘it doesn’t mean anything, she was just drunk, she really likes YOU, don’t make this weird.’”
You should thank Sarah. If Anne really likes you, and she can do this, well, that is a good thing to know.
What you wrote is perfect, and I recommend you use it, even if you shorten it or polish it (not much required):
“Look, Anne’s a grown woman and we never said we were exclusive. But for me personally, if I’m genuinely interested in someone and think it’s going somewhere, I’m not hooking up with other people. Apparently she doesn’t feel the same way.”
She still wants to get her freedom on in her singledom, that’s fine, for her.
You deserve better.
Good luck
For me the worst thing is they were hanging out together, and she was spending time talking to someone else while the guy who she was trying to “take it slow” with was there, and on top of that, she went home with that someone else. Yeah no. Can’t blame her for being horny. However I can blame her for being tactless.
NTA. You simply lost interest in her, completely normal. You don’t owe her anything. Let Brad have her. You’ll find someone better, OP.
Dear friends,
I like Sara but I don’t like her like that.
Get over your fantasy of pairing us that way we are better as friends no need to make it weird.
Nta
>”it doesn’t mean anything, she was just drunk, she really likes YOU, don’t make this weird.”
I don’t know if I could ever feel less “really liked” than if the girl I was interested in went home with another dude after a night out at a bar that we both were in the same group at.
Also, I am not getting into a relationship with anyone who lets her friends meddle in our relationship. If she wanted to explain, she has your number.
Sarah and Mel need to butt out. None of their business. You and Anne are grown ups. Talk to each other.
NAH, although Sarah and Mel are skirting the edge by pushing you. This is none of their business.
You and Anne apparently have different approaches to dating, and that’s fine. Personally, as an internet grognard, I agree with you. Back in the day, when I was still on the market, when you went out with someone, you focused on that person, until it either went somewhere or it didn’t. Popping off with someone else for a ONS in the middle wouldn’t sit right with me, either.
NAH
You’re allowed to be attracted or not to whoever, for whatever reason. And she’s allowed to bang the whole team if she’s into that.
That said, if the situation were reversed and it was a bar full of models, and one of them put the moves on you, would you? If your answer is yes, why is it different for Anne?
NTA. Actions have consequences, as simple as that!
NTA, I would have been out also. She basically doesn’t really care about you when something else is presented directly to her.
NTA. She wants to take it slow with you, but bones some random dude? The problem you will have is that women are never accountable for their actions, so good luck.
Give her a chance to explain because I would LOVE to hear that explanation…
You lost interest and what can you do about it? Huh?
Was she the AH for hooking up with someone when she is not in a relationship? No, right?
Was she the AH for not wanting to hook up with you for now? No, right?
Then, why should you be the AH for not wanting to hook up with her now?
This is either NAH or NTA
HOWEVER, do you imagine a future in which you regret not being with Anne? That’s what you have to figure out, whether you really want to end your future relationship now or you can see to navigate through your feelings and be happy with her.
She wants to take it slow with you but has an ONS with someone else you know. You are taking it slow, putting her back in the friend zone. Nothing wrong with that. Also there is nothing wrong with her having an ONS but it was with someone you knew. She made it weird.
NAH. You guys weren’t exclusive, and it’s okay that her vibe is not your vibe. I’m also guessing you don’t like her all that much, since you don’t want to have a conversation with her about whether there was miscommunication or not. Not throwing shade on you, just seems like this isn’t the relationship for you, so no need to try and repair or grow it.
This is a good example of a woman learning the hard way that they control access to sex, but men control access to relationships.
I feel that if you are starting out with someone there’s a good faith approach required to play nice with each other. Going home with Brad doesn’t meet that standard.
Shes TA. Just keep moving pal
Fair call on your behalf I would have thought! She obviously doesn’t care that much for you if she is willing to do that in front of you!
Tell her to take the other guy to dinner as you don’t want to get in their way!
Definitely NTA!
UpDateme
NAH
She was single, so not an ah. You are not interested, so not an ah.
Seems the friends are more interested than she is.
NTA I Tell your friends to back off. Everyone has their own criteria for who they want to date and she doesn’t fit yours. There is absolutely nothing for her to explain or discuss.
NTA. you were dating. Even with this “taking it slow” excuse.
NTA.
You don’t want to get serious with a sl*t.
Totally normal to lose interest.
i like my coffee like i like my woman ONLY I get to put my dick in it.
She’s basically out with you and hooks up with someone else the same night.
Good to see you have self respect. You can find someone better.
Obviously NTA. She can’t be that interested if she’s fucking other guys. I’d be out too.
Updateme
Nope. It’s called boundaries and she would not be hooking up with other guys if she was that into you, surely? Being drunk is not an excuse.
NTA, just tell them you see things differently , and aren’t compatible and you would rather stay friends then blow up friends groups. Say to them you also know what you want, it isn’t just about her making that choice.
You’re not being dramatic at all. No explanation needed.
Did Anne’s concern about the friendship group extend to cucking OP in front of them?
How the hell is she “honest about what she wants?”. It looks like she doesn’t know what she wants. NTA
Nta. If it’s not a big deal that she fucked someone else then it shouldn’t be a big deal that you want to break things off.
NTA you’re doing the Lord’s work
NTA she is being honest about what she wants. So are you. What you want is also valid. She sounds like she needs to heal for a little bit before she gets serious with someone. It’s completely reasonable to leave someone who is not as serious as you are.
Now you know why Anne was single for a while
NTA, I’d be out too. Take it slowly with me but hook up with someone you just met? Message received.
I would only continue seeing her if she was fine with me boning other people or possibly boning them with me. Anything in my head about anything serious/ exclusive/ monogamous would be so far gone out the window. I can’t lie maybe I’m missing something but I’m getting the impression that she wasn’t totally honest about what she was feeling/ where she was at. Perhaps a little bit of lying by omission? Idk
Now you’ve found out why she’s single, dodged a bullet in my opinion.
NTA – all you did was read the room and draw your own conclusions. With you, Anne is throwing up roadblocks. With the other guy, she’s going to town. It’s pretty damned obvious where you stand.
Tell the others in the group to mind their own business. This is (or was) between you and Anne. But if they just can’t restrain themselves from dispensing advice, to go tell Anne she would do better to go home with the guy she wants to keep.
I guess chatgpt found reddit’s new favourite plot
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the fact that she slept with someone else when they were very much in the just talking stages of things. Haven’t even slept together.
Where I think she messed up was sleeping with a dude a night you were all out together. That’s really strange and not cool.
Want to have your fun before going down that road with someone? Go for it. But that’s just rude and messy.
I actually think OP turned her down nicely.
Keep on king. NTA. Also Jake is a total bro.
Nta
You are being honest about what you want, and it doesn’t match with hers.
There’s no punishment, you two just aren’t a good match.
Yeah its about respect above all. You where bot exclusive, so she can do whatever she likes, sure, but why on front of your eyes on the gathering that you also was present? That’s fucked up.
Updateme! Please. I want to know what Annie say about that
NTA. That’s a completely natural response. It shows that she really isn’t that into you, or at least not as much as you were into her. You’re a back-up, and probably a really good option for her, but not someone she’d keep her legs closed for.
That’s not to say that this needs to be the end of the possibilities for her, but it’ll probably take a couple of years for this memory to fade before you’ll be able to see her as potential partner again. Probably best not to tell your female friends that though as they obviously don’t want to hold their friend to account, or expect that she should hold herself accountable.
Also if you’re courting her and she’s being honest about what she wants by sleeping with other people, then she would be dishonest in now seeking an exclusive relationship. Unless what she wanted was some strange before a new relationship and frankly that’s just a red flag for the relationship. She took you for granted even before anything started really…
You could be blunt and just say that you aren’t looking for anything with even a hint of drama, and if she’s at all interested in anyone else then it’s just not a relationship you’d pursue. If and when you do get into a relationship it will be with you as the number one option, with no number two or three even in the conversation, let alone being visited for sleep-overs. Clearly that’s not the case now, and you wouldn’t believe anyone who pretended it was.
It’s not punishment, jsut protecting yourself. It may well take the form of a test though. There’s nothing wrong with keeping an eye on how she reacts to this. It’ll either be with promiscuity or the opposite, and that’ll tell you your chances in the future should you ever rid yourself of this ‘ick’. A silly word but apt in this case I think.
NTA. She had every right to go home with whoever she wanted and you have every right to decide you’d rather just stay friends.
When I was starting to date one of my exes he went to hang out with another female friend that showed interest in him. I brought up I was worried and he said they were just friends, he didn’t see her like that. All was good. Well, like a year into our relationship he told me that they actually did have sex but he didn’t want to upset me so kept it a secret because ‘it didn’t really matter’. I wish I had the choice to say I no longer wanted to pursue dating him. I wouldn’t ended it and saved myself years of pain because he eventually ended up looking up with another friend 2yrs into our relationship
NTA. You handled it well. You were at the same place and she went home with someone else? Fair, but I’m bowing out at that point.
NtA
Just as you said, if she needs to have the bs speech about exclusivity before being exclusive, that’s her choice. If you don’t feel the same about that need to have that conversation before getting serious about the relationship, you’re totally right.
Honestly, i think just like you, that’s why i call these kind of speech bs.
She shown you how she thinks and that’s not for you, there’s no really need of an explanation or talk about it.
I think she even lied to you about the reason to no go to fast…she doesn’t mind about her ex, she just want to have her fun phase and maybe keep you as a back up plan for later.
You were pretty clear, she just doesn’t accept it and is pissed her plan didn’t work.
Let Brad have her if he wants, nothing worthy here for you.
Good luck finding the right one.
NTA As my friend has told me before it’s like you did all the work for someone else to collect the paycheck.
NTA. She’s a grown woman she’s not 19. The reason women that old are still single is because they havent grown up and taken dating seriously. Older guys are not into hooking around. If you are interested in someone then you focus on them and them only. To say she doesn’t know what she wants then just f**ks a random is the reason no guy stays with her. The pure fact your friends wife called you up straight away shows her actions were completely wrong.
NTA. For me, I could excuse a drunken, one-time mistake in the first months of a non exclusive casual relationship depending on the circumstances.
But this isn’t one of them. You were at the same event they were when it happened. I wouldn’t be able to get over the fact that she picked someone else right in front of me.
NTA
I’ve been there, and it fucking sucks
Ever notice how “don’t make it weird” is only ever said by someone who knows perfectly well that something unacceptable just happened, but they have a vested interest in manipulating you into accepting it anyway?