My (32F) husband (33M) went to two bachelor parties when our baby was 3 and 4 months old. He’s always been up front with me and we had an understanding that strip clubs were not ideal but fine, but I recently found out that for both, he organized the strippers to come to their AirBnBs and got a private naked lap dance (confirmed through seeing his messages to others that this was basically the extent of it, plus minus a few other things). I would have been unhappy but gotten past that, but he ended up texting the stripper (escort) after leaving the first, saying things like “my shirt still smells like you” and after she fleeced him out of more money, asked her for comped explicit content saying “you know what I like”.
He showed me the texts and we were working through it – he also told me that between the two parties, which he told me explicit details about other people’s actions, he never wanted to have strippers again. However that night, I had a sneaking suspicion and looked at his phone, and saw that day I told him that I wanted him to delete everything, he had decided to save the stripper’s number. When I confronted him, his excuse was that he wasn’t thinking and figured that it would be good to have in the future since he and his friends didn’t have any other contacts in that city. To twist the knife deeper, my hormones postpartum are still a wreck yet the stripper had a baby around the same time as me and clearly bounced back much faster than I did.
My question is – how do people get over something like this? I want to rebuild trust for the sake of our kids but I just don’t know how – he’s tried to assure me that he won’t ever put himself in this situation, but I’d almost rather know that he’s in it again and loves me enough to respect my boundaries. The disconnect between the reassurance that strippers were a thing of a past vs. saving the number right after is what’s really eating at me. We’ve been together for almost a decade and have young children, but I can’t get past the feeling like I’m being breadcrumbed now that his actions now that he’s home don’t match his words. I’m just devastated that it was on our baby’s 3 month birthday, and I was left alone to celebrate them no longer being a newborn while my husband was grabbing a stripper’s bare boobs and texting her that he’d “take care of her next time he’s in town” on the way home.
Edit: I just want to make clear that completely agree that he paid for it, and have no animosity towards the woman who was doing her job, just the situation. She did use her registered number and was easy to look up, so I also hope that she takes precautions for her own safety.
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Why do you want to get past this?
This is horrible and i would never get over this. Sorry, I wish I could offer some advice, but I imagined it was my partner who had done this and now I’m mad at him too.
But for you, this is over the line. How can you rebuild trust after this? Says he wasn’t thinking and saved it for the future? Come on. He lied. It’s very hard to build trust back even when the person is being honest.
“staying for the kids”
Is the absolute worst reason to stay in an unhealthy marriage. I’m sure more went down than just stripping. You don’t have to “move past it” if you don’t want to.
I understand wanting to get past it for your children, but think of you for a moment. Think of the rest of your life. Do you want to be married to this man who crosses your boundaries and lies? Who makes you feel shit about yourself?
The amount of doubt and trust issues that will follow aren’t worth the pain. That last part, what he said to her, broooo. It’s cheating in some people’s books, not sure about yours.
Take care of yourself. I have a 4 month old baby myself and I’d be heartbroken. You’re beautiful.
I’m sorry this is happening. Folks are giving good advice here.
I’m curious how you know the stripper “bounced back” faster than you. Did he tell you that? If so, I feel like the body shaming and comparisons make this situation even worse.
Why did he do that? I mean, this is so cliche, it reaffirms my suspicion of us living in a simulation🤔like, he can’t help it cause his programming forced him to do so, the way it does for a million men out there who’s wife’s just had a baby
Or maybe they are all the same, you get a baby and they no longer want the body they helped break.
Suddenly, they want you to lose 40 lbs, 20 years and dye your hair blond. Act like a w hore but don’t you dare be anything other than a Virgin
All that aside, it would be a good thing to find out why. The truth and nothing but the truth. One can fantasize or even have a crush over fictional characters or movie stars. Look at another with admiration and maybe even desire. It happens.
But that lady is very real and within reach.
Was it momentary? A way to get done control in his life?
I mean, life is hard right now, sometimes problems have a way to makes us act in unpredictable ways
Is that the case?
Don’t tell him this, don’t give him hints that you may, with a really good excuse, forgive him.
Get the truth, cause it maybe nothing more than stress, but it can also be something, that will end up with you having an STD.
Whatever you do, DON’T HAVE ANOTHER CHILD with him.
It’s not easier to leave your marriage with one kids, but with 2+….well, that leads to nothing but adding to our already horrible statistics
And trust me, you don’t want your kids to be an stadistic.
“but I recently found out that for both, he organized the strippers to come to their AirBnBs and got a private naked lap dance (confirmed through seeing his messages to others that this was basically the extent of it, plus minus a few other things). I would have been unhappy but gotten past that, but he ended up texting the stripper (escort) after leaving the first, saying things like “my shirt still smells like you” and after she fleeced him out of more money, asked her for comped explicit content saying “you know what I like”.”
OKay, I’m going to be honest here. “after she fleeced him out of more money,” She provided what he paid for…. He spent more, because he got more than what he originally asked for in texts.
If you just want to see some strippers and get lap dances, you goto the stip club. Getting strippers to come to a private airBnB is more what escorts/prostitutes do and is often for much more explicit shows and acts.
That he kept her number and got the same sex workers the 2nd time, and that comment “you know what I like” is really just reinforcing that there’s more to this situation than he’s told you. He’s being deceptive and hiding the worst.
You’re certainly going to have to co-parent with him but seriously consider if this is the kind of man you can depend on as your partner.
Staying for the kids is never going to be the glue that holds things together.
Your marriage is their model for love. If you forgive someone who mistreats you, you’re setting them up for friendships and love with people who don’t respect them. Be a model for them
I could not imagine dealing with this with a 3 month old baby. The fact you saw the messages he told you what everyone else did which was deflecting and he still kept the number? He kept it for the future? There is no future if you are trying to work it out with your wife. There are no more strippers or clubs. I am worried also about the company he keeps. “ You know what I like,” and “ I will take care of her the next time he is in town.” If you said those things to another man and sent him more money would he be okay with that? He is throwing away something real for a fantasy and temporary. I would be tested just to be safe. Strippers are good at their job but it’s a job that men think they are special but they are a customer and they have a life outside of the job. Your husband is not respecting you or honoring your marriage by talking to other woman, giving money outside the event. That is suppose to support your family. I would be watching your finances carefully and Venmo. Grabbing another woman’s anything is atomically done for me. I feel like men treat strip clubs and strippers as a guilt free pass to bring another woman into your marriage. I am shocked you were okay with it not once but twice. You don’t have to do that on a bachelor party. Him getting a dance separate when it’s suppose to be about the groom and in a private room not in front of friends? The trust is lost. He is breaking you mentally. He didn’t have to say she also had a baby so you would compare. ( Also when did they discuss his family life with her.) He didn’t have to lust after someone else while you’re at home taking care of kids. I am sad for you and your children. How could ever believe what he says to where he is going or who is with? If there is someone in the friend group you are close to I would reach out and compare stories with because I think he is leaving things out. I am surprised you have not asked him to stay at his parents yet. Ask for outside support right now from sisters or friends handling the kids for your mental health.
A private, naked strip. That’s disgusting. You have a young child, and he’s spending money and time on this instead of putting his family first.
For me, I could never forgive that kind of behavior. He keeps showing you he is awful and can’t be trusted. You have to accept it and move on.
“He’s always been upfront with me and we had an understanding that strip clubs were not ideal, but fine”.
What you mean is:
“I was emotionally coerced into accepting my husband regularly cheating on me, and my self esteem was too low to end things, so I pretend I’m fine with him hiring strippers”.
Come on lady. What are you even doing? Your husband is a scumbag.
I’m not sure you can, at the core of it all it’s about trust. He lied over and over and even after he got caught. Then isn’t even remorseful after you found out he kept the strippers number
I think there’s a part to this that you dance around but don’t outright say.
Okay, he didn’t totally break boundaries by going to a strip club, and it’s unclear, but maybe did or didn’t with the naked private dance and touching… but he did this at an important moment in your life as parents.
Just because there’s an opportunity (bachelor party), doesn’t and shouldn’t mean he should abandon his role in your family. And to do so so brazenly.. and to then lie.
You’re focussing on the lie because it’s sort of the easiest to nitpick right from wrong – but you need to be honest with yourself about all of it and how it all makes you feel.
It’s okay, and in this situation, more than completelt understandable to decide NOT to put up with this, because it is just so unbelievably disrespectful and dishonorable. Honestly sounds like this guy needs a wake up call on what it means to be a partner.