To say that my MIL and I have a complicated relationship is an understatement. I have been with my SO for just under 7 years, of which we were in a civil union for 4 and have been married for almost 1. His family is from Spain, whereas my family is from the US. DH and I lived for many years in a third country before recently relocating to Spain. Over the years, my MIL and I have had a rocky relationship – sometimes it feels like things are going well, and other times she’s wreaked havoc on our lives in ways I didn’t think possible. Most recently, that includes ghosting DH and I just before our civil wedding ceremony, then sending him a nasty letter emotionally blackmailing him over her not being there. (See my post history for more context on this).
Now, on to my dilemma:
Yesterday afternoon, DH and I went to my in-laws home to share our wedding photos with them. These photos were from our big wedding ceremony that we had in Spain early this year, not our civil ceremony last year. As we began to go through the photos, MIL immediately started making comments on nearly every photo. Some of her comments were harmless (ex: “oh, I love the detail of this photo!”), but others were downright rude. For example, when viewing a photo of her and DH, she told my DH: “Gosh, we both have horrible side profiles! This photo is awful!” DH was obviously hurt by this comment, seeing nothing wrong with the photo and feeling like his mother was projecting her own insecurities on him.
As we continued viewing photos, MIL began making an excessive amount of comments about how beautiful my friends are (because they are!), how elegant her nephew’s girlfriend is and how she’s the absolute epitome of style and beauty, how great my DH and BIL looked in certain photos, etc etc. She absolutely gushed over another friend of mine (“she looks like Meryl Streep but SO much more beautiful, she’s absolutely radiant!!!”) and her nephew’s GF (“she is absolutely stunning, she’s looks so good in every photo, wow [nephew’s name] is so lucky!”), and would. not. stop. While I tend to agree with her comments (they’re great people, beautiful, and I have absolutely no negative feelings about them), throughout all 700+ photos, she made ONE singular comment about me – saying “oh, this photo is nice”. Nothing else. Not a single, “I like your dress”, or “you look beautiful here”. Just, “this photo is nice.” I honest to god was sitting in her living room feeling some strange mix of invisible at my own wedding, like the ugliest bride alive, or that any photos of me were getting in the way of what she viewed as HER son’s wedding / HER family reunion.
What really set me over the edge, however, was when she pointed out a photo she had printed out from our sneak peek album. The photo was originally of me, DH, and both sets of our parents. When she printed the photo, she cropped out my parents – and did not fail to point it out four separate times during the photo viewing session, saying “my biggest regret was that we didn’t get a family photo without your parents in it.” I had to point out that yes, we did, it just wasn’t in our sneak peek. Then she went on about how great the photos without my parents were and how she MUST have the photos without them ASAP.
I think this hit me so hard because MIL has a history of trying to act as if my family doesn’t matter, isn’t important, or should come second to her family because they live farther away. It has only gotten worse since we’ve moved to Spain. She’s often made comments that leave me feeling like my family doesn’t exist or doesn’t matter, and that I am just the plus one to her sweeeeet babyyyy boyyyyy’s life. Like I’m supposed to put my entire identity and past behind me to fit into the perfect little mould of her family. Like my family should never get a holiday because it’s taking away time from herrr faaaamilyyyyy. It’s beyond frustrating.
And for the cherry on top, she asked to the link to our entire album before we left so she could print out all of the pictures that she wanted. 🫠
After we left, I spoke with DH about how I was feeling, and he agreed that her comments were out of line. He was angry with his mother for not only singling me out, but also for her numerous comments about needing to crop my family out and for making quite a few other negative comments about our close friends. I honestly feel so awful about my wedding photos and the way she’s made me feel so insignificant during my own wedding that I don’t even want to allow her further access to our photos.
Now, here’s my question – am I overreacting to this? Am I getting upset over nothing? Is this BEC, or is she really being a JustNo? DH and I have agreed that she will NOT be receiving the link to our entire online album and that we will be selecting a few photos that we’re comfortable sharing with her, but nothing more. Is this an acceptable way forward, or are we going nuclear over something that isn’t worth it?
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I think BEC. It’s totally normal that she wants a photo from the wedding that’s her family, not your family. Your husband is joining your family and you are joining his family, but your parents aren’t joining your MIL’s family. My parents have wedding photos all over the house from my wedding and my siblings’ weddings and our parents-in-law aren’t in any of them.
She also sounds like she could just be one of those people who has a hard time saying a compliment to someone’s face. My MIL didn’t tell me I looked nice, didn’t compliment our very beautiful wedding, literally doesn’t have a single nice thing to say, ever. I choose to see it as her being socially awkward. (And she won’t be in my parents’ photos and my parents won’t be in hers)
NOR, her comments and behaviour are very passove aggressive and angled with an agenda.
Why doesn’t your husband speak up for you?
If he didn’t do it in the moment, it should be addressed, siting the broader themes of erasibg you and your family and stating consequences if it doesn’t stop and enforcing consequences.
You and DH do exactly what you want. It beggars belief that she was so discourteous to you both and expects to have the whole damn online album to pick apart at her leisure. Personally, I think your suggested course of sending her selected pics sounds very reasonable and accommodating.
Rude lady. Try to not let her dim your light. At this stage, it doesn’t matter whether she’s proven to have crossed an invisible line in every interaction for you to be tired of her. You are not overreacting to see the totality of her actions, and that makes every further snidey comment pack more weight.
She’s rude, unkind, thoughtless. Further analysis isn’t required. You two put yourselves first, because she sure as shit isn’t going to. Deep breath, put your shoulders back, and try to stop thinking about her. Go live your best lives!
Congratulations on your wedding celebrations!