My wife likes to pick fights, I’m not sure why she’s still my wife, but for now she is. Tomorrow morning she wants me to drive her to the office and pick her up as parking is about $40 a day, a waste of money, however for what ever reason I can’t understand, she likes to start fights in the car, weather it be something stupid or telling me how to drive, or something more serious, 1/3 car trips end up with her berating me before we even get out of our multi level carpark.
So if when I drive her to work tomorrow, if she picks a fight as she does, WIBTAH if I pulled over, got out, told her to drive and walk off?
Before you ask, There are no keys to take as our phones are our keys, but if there were I would leave them.
Edit: ok I can’t keep up with the comments here so I’ll add a few things.
1. Yes we tried therapy, see here https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/YoMtJ5r1oU
2. After reading many of the comments here on both sides, I won’t be taking this action, I will simply remind her after of it and let her know in future I won’t be driving her. She will likely revoke my car access (Tesla she has the master account)
3. I do not need to go to her office, I am literally taking her and driving home and working from home.
4. Yes, my marriage is shit. I’m trying to improve it and I’m driving her as an acts of kindness show of love. I get zero benefit from the drive. Except,
5. She regularly damages the car, the last time it happened cost me 2.5k
6. I have already given her warning about this sort of behaviour just 2 days ago, I was just pre-empting my options
Comments
You could do that and waste your time or you could just refuse to get in the car with her. All the best.
> Would ITAH if I reached out to her online telling her to move the fuck on?
Not in the least. It sounds like a good course of action. And when she comes home and tries to start a fight over this, walk out. Whenever she tries to start a fight, just leave, do not engage. Eventually she will get the idea and start communicating like an adult.
No, but you would be late for work.
if you don’t like each other, why are you even together
NTA but what is that going to solve other than waste your own time? Sounds like you both could learn a bit about conflict resolution.
I don’t put up with backseat drivers. They get one warning. After that I pull over, and offer them to drive. If they don’t I tell them to shut the fuck up, and let me drive. Works extremely well.
Simply don’t drive her?
Distracted driving is dangerous and it’s not safe for you to be driving if she’s going to be arguing with you over little thing on the trip. Tell her that.
I was married to someone like that for way too long. One day while I was driving she kept complaining about my driving so I pulled over the car and got out and told her to drive. From then on, maybe another 20 years, I would just walk over to the passenger side. Then ended a lot of the BS before it started. But eventually I couldn’t do it anymore and filed for divorce. I spent 36 years of my life being yelled at almost daily. It was affecting me without me even knowing it. I started having panic attacks in the middle of the night. Fast forward to now. I’m married to a wonderful woman and I haven’t been yelled at for 13 years. Don’t waste your life with someone that treats you poorly.
NTA. My only suggestion is that you turn the car around and return to the original start place and *then* walk away. My definition of hell is being trapped in a car with my mother who took every advantage of a captive audience to vomit verbal acid. Don’t waste years of your life tolerating your wife indulging her hobby of purging vileness while you are driving. She can get her act together or she can find herself another victim.
I grew up with a mother who hovered over my dad until he’d finally walked off whatever project she had him doing. He went out to drink and then I’d get called in to solder the pipes. I was 9 so I was a good listener and actually fit in the kitchen cabinet better than my dad, so probably a win all around.
I can absolutely sympathize if she’s asking you for rides and will inevitably start a fight. Why not suggest that she drive the car on the way to work. You’ll just drive it home. She might still start a fight but just put your AirPods in. And if she’s insistent on starting the fight, you can just step out at any stop sign, walk to a coffee shop and wait for an Uber, all without saying a word to her.
Just let her drive herself man
marriage counselor.
Is she picking fights or is this the only time she can speak with you about things without you walking away?
I would tell her you’re willing to drive her to work but you have noticed a pattern of her starting arguments in the car. Tell her if she does it you will turn around and drive back home and then she’ll be driving herself and paying for parking. Explain it will not matter to you if she’s late, you will turn around and go back home anyway. Set the expectation prior so she can’t blame you if it happens.
Also, it sounds like you hate her, so stop waiting and just separate.
I wouldn’t even entertain driving her in the first place. But this isn’t really just about the car rides, as you say you’re not sure why she’s still your wife. There is obviously a lot to unpick here.
If you are willing tell her to drive to work and you will ride with her. If she still picks a fight then tell her if she keeps doing this you will no longer be available to assist her.
Send her a bus schedule. If you’re living somewhere with $40 a day parking, I’m sure there are transit alternatives. NTA
Why don’t you say: “I’m not driving you because you pick fights with me. We need to go to counseling.”
??????
Be a grown up.
I’ve just read through the comments, does she know you’re ready to leave her? Have you told her specifically that if things don’t change you’ll divorce her? Start there. If she’s not willing to work on making things better, she won’t be surprised.
to be honest it depends if her comments are justified or not.
If you drive like a total tit and endanger there lives of those in your car as well as other road users she has the right to comment.
If it is your driving and you can’t see that then agin she has the right to comment. How you respond to those comment is how the argument starts.
If however you are a good and safe driver and she is just bickering for the sake of bickering then you stop the car leave her to it and don’t accept her narcissism
YWBTA. You’re an adult. Communicate with her. If it continues then don’t be her taxi anymore.
Why would you set it up like that? Just refuse. “No, I’m not driving you. You argue with me every single time we are in the car, and I am not going to willingly volunteer for you to yell at me the whole time. You’ve lost the privilege of asking me for this favor, by treating me poorly in the past. If you wanted me to drive you places when you ask, you would have been a lot kinder to me while I was doing you those favors. Now you’re on your own.”
But honestly if you’re at that point, you might as well just file for divorce.
Staging this dramatic “walking off” thing is just dramatics. If you know she’s going to tell at you, don’t drive her, or file for divorce. Stop playing games.
I don’t know $40 sounds like a great price for peace. Hopefully you get out soon, she sounds like a menace
Record the whole conversation. Then fucking scream at her the next time she starts shit.
The divorce lawyer gonna cost more than the $40 for parking
Ok first thing to assess, are you in fact, deserving this berating. Cuz you probably aren’t, but there are some people who do.
Therapy might help unpack what sounds like a lot more than the commute. At least it could help you decide if you want to continue this. Why doesn’t she drive herself and you ride along and drive back if she’s concerned about how you drive
Let her know that this is what you will be doing before the two of you get in the car. This way she can’t blame you when you do it. Well, of course she will anyway, but you’ll know you did everything you could.
For this time, I would hand her 40 dollars and say have fun. Then, I would spend the day searching out the best divorce attorney in your area. My wife started complaining about everything. She’s my ex now. I should have divorced sooner than I did.
The most diplomatic option is if she tries to start and argument in the car, tell her you won’t be driving for her again if she wants to argue in the car.
If she responds to that by blowing up further warn her you will pull over and get your own ride back. If she still continues then follow through on your action. It sets a clear “hey don’t do that” “I am serious” and a follow through.
I would strongly suggest some couples counseling at a min for you OP. fighting 30% of car rides is not a normal thing.
I’ve always wondered if recording these people berating others would make them pause or if they’d just double down. It would give them a chance to see how others perceive their actions. “oh my God I’m such a bitch” or “well you deserved that one.”
I did that once. Gotta walk from Toxic behavior
Drop her off then drive to your divorce lawyer’s office.
While I have thought about this many times, I’ve always decided against it.
The change is emotions can impact ability to drive, and potentially put her and others at risk.
Depending on where you pull over, it puts her in a tricky situation to get out with other cars driving by.
Would create a whole new piece of drama BEYOND the original argument.
Often best to request that the argument stop and be brought up later.
I’ve been there, done that, my wife and I were shopping. She found a shirt for me, on a clearance rack,( I’ve always been a jeans, cotton T-shirt, and flannel guy. And this was a button up polyester shirt with a huge collar ). It was only $5, but not my style, and I refused to purchase it. This started an argument, that lasted for the rest of the shopping, and into the ride home. When she said that her EX would have bought it. I had enough, stopped the car, got out and started walking home.
When I first started dating my now wife, she wasn’t a fan of riding in the car for long periods. So she would complain. Told her I would stop the car and walk out. She didn’t believe me. I was way out in the high dessert, not completely empty but pretty sparse of houses and buildings. I pulled over, got out and just started walking away. She was completed shocked. Mind you this was all in joking fashion, we weren’t arguing or fighting. But the complaints lessened. NTA. She can drive.
Yes you would be.
I have done this multiple times and I can confirm I’m an asshole.
In my defence my wife is too.
You can initiate a discussion ahead of time and explain that you find this stressful and this is what you’re goin to do for now on if fighting starts. Then if she still does it, it’s on her, she was warned.
Make her drive and you be the passenger.
Divorce her. You’ll live longer.
I see a lot of women do that, my wife “soon to be ex “had a bad habit of doing that as well as cheating, if I walked past her just from grilling outside, went inside to grab the meat and I didn’t acknowledge her. She would turn around and start flipping me the bird and catching an attitude and picking a fight, I’m seeing videos where a woman grabs a steering wheel of her boyfriend‘s brand new car and causes him to sideswipe guard railings on the road just because it’s new and she didn’t have one,, and it can be chalked up to toxic feminist, mentality, bipolar disorder, self entitlement, they’re bored with their own life so they stir trouble just to have excitement, whatever the case may be the reality is, it’s an extremely toxic relationship with her doing that
Why are you taking her in the first place? If she can’t act right, she can deal with it herself.
Your wife is a button pusher. She gets off on getting a rise out of you. I’ve seen plenty of people like this and they never stop. Your choice to stay but she’ll never see herself as being in the wrong.
Being verbally berated is abuse, different from physical abuse, but it’s still abuse. You need to explain you’re not going to take it any longer, period. You’ll need to set your boundaries with her,, and stick to them. There is a high probability she will continue, as she is accustomed to getting away with it as normal behavior. You need a solid plan B, that you will use and stick to it. Living under verbal abuse, is not living, its coping. You deserve happiness and a caring, nurturing partner in a marriage, supposedly made into a Union, out if love.
Tell her before you get in, you don’t want any conversation. If she starts anyway, turn the radio on. Keep turning it up until she stops or you can’t hear her.
“I will not fight with you during the drive.”
Tell her the day before.
Then if a fight starts, remind her. If she proceeds you can either drive in silence or pull over somewhere safe.
If you already know that she will be picking a fight and berating you, is it really worth it to drive her.
Yes, parking is expensive; however, you all won’t be married much longer-
Choose your hard:
Let her drive herself
OR
Deal with her berating you.
Then, you’re the one who will be inconvenienced: listening to her and then walking home-
WYBTA? I don’t think so- she doesn’t have a right to treat you like crap- that’s vey wrong-
You can also let her know that if she doesn’t allow you to drive, then she will drive- OR because of past history, she will need to be driving herself home-
You should give here fair warning, that you’ve had enough and will leave the car if she starts another fight. And that this is how it will be going forward, for all drives.
That way YWNBTA.
My ex wife once yelled at me because the car in front of me slammed on the brakes, and I did the same to avoid hitting them. There were many other issues, but unwarranted criticism was definitely one of them.
My only regret is that I didn’t make her an ex sooner.
Yeah YWBTAH.
Instead of that, try grey-ricking her. Take all the wind out of her sails by simply not reacting with anything but an emotionally flat “ok”.
Tell her to take the bus.
YTA to yourself for getting into the car with her, unless it’s to take her to file for divorce.
Based off the additional information provided by OP in multiple comments (unknown trauma, physical/verbal abuse, failed attempts at counseling, weaponized incompetence by not being able to drive themself) it’s probably best to call it quits. You can stay and put up with this if you want. Seems like your different people now from whatever happened.
YTA for being in a relationship where this how you deal with problems
I say NTA. If someone is violating a boundary, the ONLY thing you can do to enforce the boundary is to remove yourself from the situation. Be that stopping the car and walking away or leaving the marriage entirely.
You have to set the boundary ahead of time (before getting in the car) and tell her what will happen if she violates it.
Either that, or accept her taking the car and potentially damaging it. Sounds like she works. She can pay for any repairs needed.
Honestly, based on your responses in this thread, it sounds like you need to just separate from her.
WYBTAH? No. But at this point, why even do it? Tell her you’d like to drive her but you won’t if you keep fighting or she keeps picking fights. At that point, I’d take an Uber.
That’s playing games and immature. Draw boundaries and tell her you’re done with all the bickering and berating etc.
say good bye
NTA if you impliment that plan. But before you do, ask yourself which would you prefer, picking her up every workday and having her nag you OR not having her in your life. I know you’re looking for a third option and that option might be attainable, but before you start looking for that you should be clear about which of the two extreme cases you’d prefer.
Nah, she can call a cab, or whatever form of rideshare you use in your country.
Tell her no because it often ends badly. It takes two to argue. If she berates you, point it out. Say you feel berated. Don’t get bogged down in the content, just let her know that you’re open to a conversation,but won’t sit there and be attacked. You could also pull over, sit there, wait for her to stop, then continue on only as long as she behaves herself. Dont walk off like child.
Have you tried the grey rock method?
Mate.
You’re a fucking idiot.
Just walk away.
You’re basically in an abusive marriage.