I [F27] am struggling with my husband’s [M29] toxic family dynamic and how to protect our kids while supporting him

My husband (29) and I (27) have been married for 6 years. Recently, I’ve been overwhelmed with resentment and concern over his family. There was a violent incident involving his brother and sister where my husband was clearly the victim. That moment was the final straw in what has been a long, painful pattern of emotional abuse and neglect toward him, which I suspect has existed since childhood.

On the surface, his family seems like good people, but they treat him like the family scapegoat. His sister is the clear favorite and regularly provokes him. Even when he stays calm or is completely in the right, he’s shut down, dismissed, or blamed, usually to not upset his sister or mother. His father reinforces the cycle. It’s heartbreaking to watch.

I come from a severely abusive background myself, but I’ve done a lot of therapy and healing. One of the most important things I’ve learned is how to set and enforce boundaries. Over the past few years, I’ve started doing that more consistently — and after this last incident, I’ve decided I will no longer stay silent or play along. We have children now, and I refuse to let them grow up thinking this kind of dysfunction is normal.

I recently communicated a boundary to his mother. My husband wasn’t angry, but he shut down emotionally and was completely overwhelmed with anxiety. It hurt so much to see him that way. I don’t want to trigger him, but I also don’t know how to protect our children or myself without stepping into these uncomfortable moments. I’m starting to worry that he may never be able to stand up for himself, let alone for me or our kids.

We’ve done some marriage counseling in the past and are planning to go back once our insurance is active again. He has tried individual therapy, but I know he’s hard to reach. Even I can’t get him to fully see how damaging all of this is without causing him to spiral.

I love him deeply. I want him to feel safe, to heal, to grow. But I also need to make sure I’m not exposing our children to the same dynamics that hurt him — or me. I can’t let this pattern pass on to them.

And to be honest, I don’t think his family will ever change. They refuse to talk about how anyone has hurt anyone else. Their mindset is “not everything has to be talked about,” and that’s exactly why nothing ever heals.

TLDR;
How do I support my husband through his trauma without enabling his family’s toxic dynamic? How do I protect myself and our kids while giving him space to grow, especially when he’s not fully ready to face what’s happening?

I would appreciate any insight or support. I feel stuck, and I just don’t want to lose myself or my family to this cycle.