I love my brother but he always needlessly complicates things for the family whenever we plan things.
So I am trying to plan an all-inclusive trip for 2027. I spoke with my cousins and their partners separately and asked them if they would be down to do it and all of them said they would. The only person who disagreed was my brother and his partner. While everyone wants to do a resort, he wants to do a cruise. A few of my cousins were okay with doing a cruise, but half of us didn’t want to do it and one of our cousins said she wouldn’t come if we did do it.
I was driving with my brother and his gf and he said we needed to have some more discussions about what we want to do and for when. I told him I agree but the only thing I wanted to discuss was the planning and logistics. My brother wanted to discuss if everyone is certain they want to do a resort and if they have other ideas. He said we didn’t need to go to a resort and we could do other things like travel to another country and book hotels for the week or getting an Airbnb in our province or doing a cottage. He also wanted to set up a joint bank account so it would make everyone obligated to put money into the fund to prove they were really going on the trip. I told them that everything he said was unnecessary and that what he was suggesting is how our trips die.
I told him that we know what we want to do. He said that a resort might be a bad idea because of how expensive it is and some people might not be able to go. I knew when he said that he was referring to himself as my brother is out of work right now. He said we should put it to a vote on everything we want to do. I told my brother that this planning of the trip is not going to be a democracy, it is going to be a dictatorship and if he doesn’t like it then that is too bad.
Last night I was looking over some packages. I spoke to one of my cousins about it and he told me that my brother was trying to sell him on a cruise. I told this cousin that no way were we going on a cruise and my cousin agreed with me. This ticked me off so I decided to make a separate family group chat excluding my brother to go over the planning. Another cousin messaged me and said he could see why I did it but if we should feel bad for excluding my brother. I told him no and that I would tell my brother a little later when all of the planning is finished but now idk.
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I love my brother but he always needlessly complicates things for the family whenever we plan things.
So I am trying to plan an all-inclusive trip for 2027. I spoke with my cousins and their partners separately and asked them if they would be down to do it and all of them said they would. The only person who disagreed was my brother and his partner. While everyone wants to do a resort, he wants to do a cruise. A few of my cousins were okay with doing a cruise, but half of us didn’t want to do it and one of our cousins said she wouldn’t come if we did do it.
I was driving with my brother and his gf and he said we needed to have some more discussions about what we want to do and for when. I told him I agree but the only thing I wanted to discuss was the planning and logistics. My brother wanted to discuss if everyone is certain they want to do a resort and if they have other ideas. He said we didn’t need to go to a resort and we could do other things like travel to another country and book hotels for the week or getting an Airbnb in our province or doing a cottage. He also wanted to set up a joint bank account so it would make everyone obligated to put money into the fund to prove they were really going on the trip. I told them that everything he said was unnecessary and that what he was suggesting is how our trips die.
I told him that we know what we want to do. He said that a resort might be a bad idea because of how expensive it is and some people might not be able to go. I knew when he said that he was referring to himself as my brother is out of work right now. He said we should put it to a vote on everything we want to do. I told my brother that this planning of the trip is not going to be a democracy, it is going to be a dictatorship and if he doesn’t like it then that is too bad.
Last night I was looking over some packages. I spoke to one of my cousins about it and he told me that my brother was trying to sell him on a cruise. I told this cousin that no way were we going on a cruise and my cousin agreed with me. This ticked me off so I decided to make a separate family group chat excluding my brother to go over the planning. Another cousin messaged me and said he could see why I did it but if we should feel bad for excluding my brother. I told him no and that I would tell my brother a little later when all of the planning is finished but now idk.
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> 1. I made a separate group chat excluding my brother from the family chat.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH. I would’ve been in your corner if you haven’t had called yourself a dictator. You and your brother keep butting heads without keeping others in mind. I think that you should vote to bury this issue.
Just plan everything, a d, after you’re all done, tell him he can show up or not.
TELL your brother that the plan has been decided, and it’s a resort; there’s nothing further to discuss. You understand that this might not suit him this year, so you’ll understand if he declines. ASK him whether he accepts the invitation with these parameters and explicitly explain that if he doesn’t or tries to change anything, he will not be welcome this year.
ESH – him for trying to control vacation planning when he doesn’t have a job and you for calling yourself a dictator.
ESH. I agree that your brother is being annoying. If your brother would rather do a cruise, he can go and do that on his own. When you’re part of a group trip, you go with what the group decides. If he doesn’t want to go with the group, then he should plan an individual cruise for him and his wife. That having been said, you should keep him in the group chat until he makes that decision for himself.
NTA firstly got me fucked up with that joint bank account bullshit, that shit doesn’t make any sense and would be completely pointless if you have money you can spend it, if not oh well,
Now I will agree with your brother that cruise are more affordable, and would offer a lot more for families to do, but if you’re planning a resort and people are fine with the resort then he has no right to try and undermine you, if he wants to go on a cruise then let him, but your not the asshole for wanting to avoid a headache and pointless argument with him
So one of your cousins says she won’t go if it’s a cruise, and a cruise is immediately and permanently crossed off the list of options.
Your brother doesn’t want to do an all inclusive, and he is excluded from planning discussions.
You’re free to plan whatever vacation you want for whoever wants to attend, but YTA for pretending the important thing is “what the group wants” or “family vacation” when what is really important is you planning the vacation you want with the people you like in your family.
YTA
You’re not in charge. You’re just pressuring the other family members and making them uncomfortable by going behind your brother’s back. You’re just a bully. Everyone should discuss and plan openly together.
If he can’t afford a resort, how is he going to afford a cruise?
NTA.
My wife and I are currently planning a trip for next year, so we let my siblings know in case they wanted to join us. My brother’s family is able to make it but my sister’s family cannot. And… that was it! My sister wished us well and asked us all to send pictures, no drama or manipulation. Hopefully we’ll all be able to sync up for a trip later but this one didn’t work for everyone and that’s ok.
This doesn’t need to be a problem except that your brother is making it one. Not everyone can go on every trip and that’s ok. You didn’t specifically try to box out your brother, he just made himself enough of a pill that you had to exclude him from further discussing a trip he may not be able to make.
NTA-However, I would have just made it clear to your brother he is under no obligation to come on the trip if he doesn’t like where it is going. Also if I was reading it right then if he can’t afford an all inclusive resort then how can he afford a cruise? I don’t understand that one.
My sister and I did a trip together one time with our significant others. Never happened again as both sides had completely different views on what to do. So we plan different ones. Perfect example is my parents have been wanting to do an Alaska Cruise for years so my parents and my family are doing that. While my sister and family want to take the niece for her first Disney experience so my parents are going with them later in the year. No expectations from either side to include the other siblings family.
I think what you did was done from a place of annoyance and your brother sounds like a pain in the gluteal region. Be direct.
ESH
This is a family trip. Maybe your brother will have valuable input. Include your brother in the group email.
>I told my brother that this planning of the trip is not going to be a democracy, it is going to be a dictatorship and if he doesn’t like it then that is too bad.
Who tf do you think you are? If your brother convince the rest of your family to go on a cruise, why do you think that the trip should not be that? I wish he gets all on board with that idea and you end up alone and angry in your house.
YTA.
> one of our cousins said she wouldn’t come if we did do it.
One family this is enough, your bro though? He has to be blocked and is an asshole.
Naw, your planning a trip. Its a dictatorship. All of this is fine. But yes, thats probably gonna leave someone out but bro should get same grace cousin gets for being out if its a cruise. He is out if its a resort, thats a fair option for everyone.
“Hey bro, we are going with resort idea. I understand your out like <Cousin> would be out if its a cruise. I want to do resort and I’m willing to do all the cat wrangling so those not down for resort are out.”
No need to make bro a villain anymore than we are making cousin.
ESH – a family trip is hard to plan and make everyone happy. But just tell your brother what is going on.
And honestly- don’t plan a family trip. Plan “your” trip and let people know if they want to come to your love to have them and share the info.
The whole situation isn’t about convincing your brother or anyone else to go to the all-inclusive. You simply need to ask if he wants to go. Don’t hide the planning, just be firm about the plan. If people want to go on a cruise, they can book that on their own.
Getting everyone together would be great, but it’s unrealistic to think you can please everyone.
YTA, but only for letting your brother spoil the planning process and making things harder on you. Put your foot down and don’t put up with his nonsense.
NTA. As the trip planner in my own extended family, I know how hard it is to take a trip from an idea to execution. So much has to be considered, booked, managed, then broken down cost wise for every party, not to mention the skyrocketing costs of transportation and lodging the longer planning is delayed.
“Big Idea” people – aka: lots of suggestions, no real help – usually end up unhappy no matter what the final results are. So plan the trip that has majority consensus and let your brother know the details after. Don’t let him hold you all hostage.
ESH. Dictatorship? Who would want to vacation with someone that controls all the decisions? It’s literally a vacation. People should get a say in suggestions, then the group can decide by majority. If someone doesn’t want to do it, don’t force them!
ESH
Your brother clearly irritates you with his meddling in what you perceive as your plans however he has a right to his opinion and if you want him to come on the family trip then don’t exclude him. That’s just a catty thing to do and you know you’re acting like a teenager.
As the person who often ends up planning trips with family and friends I would get on the same page with everyone on the following:
Budget
When to go and duration
Type of holiday
Then once you have clarity you can start planning. If half the group cannot afford an expensive resort can you find a more mid range one?
Would going to the same destination but people book their own accommodation and then you can all plan dinners/ days out etc whilst there an option?
Also – if he can’t afford a resort, how will he afford a cruise? Is he worried about extra costs if not working currently?
If I were you I’d do the planning for the trip I want to go on then open a group chat with everyone and welcome them to book the same. They’ll see you there if they book-if they don’t oh well you’ll have your own fun trip.
As for your brother he’s welcome to plan whatever he’d like. He doesn’t have to go on your trip and you don’t have to entertain his.
NTA.
My husband has convinced me to stop trying to accommodate people and instead invite others to join an existing plan. The one exception is scheduling a group vacation. It’s so much better this way.
Making big group plans is hard and someone really does need to take the reins and make decisions. If the majority prefer a resort to a cruise then that wins.
Bro – this is what we are doing. Would love to have you join us. Do you want to go or not? Yes or no. End of discussion.
NTA
One thing my extended family used to do was pick one place that would be our regular place to go (provincial park, cottage, one person’s house, etc.) and a general date we would do it each year (first Saturday of December, Canada Day weekend, etc.) and whoever could come came, whoever couldn’t didn’t. No one was allowed to change anything. It made things easier and there were multiple opportunities each year to get together.
If YOU want to go to a resort then you should decide on a resort, a date, a package, and send everyone an invite. Maybe you’ll go on your own, maybe some will come, whoever comes will have fun though. 🙂
NTA, OP’s out of work brother should be concerned with finding a job and not over complicating a trip that the rest of the family agrees too.
YTA.
I was all ready to say that people who want to question every decision do not belong on a group trip, but it sounds like your brother’s issue is money. It’s cruel to arrange an expensive “family” trip that some members of the family can’t afford.
Your brother clearly wants to come on the trip because he is trying to get other people to agree to a cheaper trip. But you’re insisting on charging ahead with something he can’t attend. You really need to look in the mirror and ask yourself why you’re doing this.
If you want an expensive trip that’s not in everyone’s budget, you should be willing to pay for whoever can’t afford to come.
I have friends who are very wealthy. We used to go on a group trip every year for a week over Halloween. They would duck away a couple of times to do something very expensive and when they did that, I’d go hiking. It was no problem. At a certain point, they started ONLY doing things I and a couple of other people couldn’t afford, like spending hundreds on every meal and making the trip about shopping for expensive items. At that point, we started to say we couldn’t attend the trips.
Other people have since started to disappear from the group. One guy passed away last week and another couple moved to the other side of the world. Now the Queen Bee who organizes the trips is realizing there aren’t enough people left and wants us to return. We won’t. We resent her because she excluded us.
The point is, you may feel like you’ve won because you have managed to get everyone in the family on your side where your brother is being excluded. But people always disappear. There will come a point where you may want your brother to come because there aren’t enough other people. Or maybe you’ll decide you want a good relationship with him.
So maybe ask yourself if what you’re doing right now is going to lead to a good relationship with your brother. If I were in his position, I’d be resentful of the entire family and would not be spending much time with you all in future.
YTA for excluding him but does your brother even know how much a cruise costs? When you look at the prices it is usually just the cruise itself (some may have flights included, most do not). Cruises also charge for drink packages, extra for fancier dinners (although I never paid for that), excursions all cost a lot of money (because they can), and the biggest kicker is the obligatory tip fee. This is a per day per person charge on top to tip the staff. When I first went on one you tipped at the end of the cruise in cash what you wanted, now it is added on as a room charge and you cannot opt out and it is not cheap.
Hotels and airbnb’s can be cheap (although not usually). Hotels may only have small selections of rooms and you may not all end up in the same hotel. You still have to pay for all your food and drinks which can cost a lot if you tend to eat out. Unless you have an airbnb, you likely won’t have a central room or place that you can all visit in.
An all inclusive resort includes everything except excursions and is usually cheaper in the long run IMO. You can hang together anywhere on the resort as a group. In the pool, at the bar, on the beach. They are well designed for this.
I would do a cruise if I wanted to see all the ports of call, but if I just want to hang out and party with my family and friends, an all inclusive resort is the way to go.