I (24F) am getting married this fall. My biological dad passed away when I was 5. My mom remarried when I was 7 and my stepdad’s been in my life ever since. He’s been fine. Not abusive or anything. He helped raise me and was around, but we were never that close. He wasn’t mean but he was never super emotionally supportive either. Kind of just.. there.
We never bonded the way some people do with step-parents. He paid for stuff and showed up, but it always felt like he was more doing his duty than actually being a father. And honestly, a lot of my big moments growing up were shared with my uncle (my dad’s brother) who really stepped up after my dad died. He was the one who taught me how to drive, came to every school play, helped me pick out my college, etc.
So when it came to the wedding, I decided I wanted my uncle to walk me down the aisle. It just feels right.
my mom freaked out. she said it was “disrespectful” and that I was “humiliating” my stepdad after everything he’s done for me. My stepdad didn’t say much but he looked really hurt. Now everyone in the family is acting like I’m ungrateful, and my mom said she wouldn’t be there.
I don’t hate my stepdad, I just don’t feel that connection. I’m not trying to erase him or make a scene. I just want to be walked down the aisle by the person who was actually there for me emotionally.
AITA?
Edit: Some of you requested I add that I do call my step dad. I will add, I’ve been calling this man dad since I was 7, a young child who lost their father. I do care about him, but I just can’t feel a legitimate bond between me and him.
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I (24F) am getting married this fall. My biological dad passed away when I was 5. My mom remarried when I was 7 and my stepdad’s been in my life ever since. He’s been fine. Not abusive or anything. He helped raise me and was around, but we were never that close. He wasn’t mean but he was never super emotionally supportive either. Kind of just.. there.
We never bonded the way some people do with step-parents. He paid for stuff and showed up, but it always felt like he was more doing his duty than actually being a father. And honestly, a lot of my big moments growing up were shared with my uncle (my dad’s brother) who really stepped up after my dad died. He was the one who taught me how to drive, came to every school play, helped me pick out my college, etc.
So when it came to the wedding, I decided I wanted my uncle to walk me down the aisle. It just feels right.
my mom freaked out. she said it was “disrespectful” and that I was “humiliating” my stepdad after everything he’s done for me. My stepdad didn’t say much but he looked really hurt. Now everyone in the family is acting like I’m ungrateful, and my mom said she wouldn’t be there.
I don’t hate my stepdad, I just don’t feel that connection. I’m not trying to erase him or make a scene. I just want to be walked down the aisle by the person who was actually there for me emotionally.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom and stepdad that I want my uncle (my late dad’s brother) to walk me down the aisle instead of my stepdad. The action being judged is choosing my uncle over the man who helped raise me. I might be the asshole because my stepdad has been in my life since I was 7, provided for me, and did his part in raising me, and my choice has clearly hurt his feelings and caused a lot of family drama. I can understand why people might think I’m being ungrateful or disrespectful to him.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
One way to handle this would be to have your Uncle walk you half way up the aisle and have your Step Dad leave you at the altar.
Your wedding, your choice. It sounds like your bio uncle has been there for you so you can pick him.
You don’t have to have anyone walk you down the aisle nor just one person. You could come alone, you could come with your uncle, you could come with your uncle and step dad, you could come with your uncle, step dad, and mom. Everything is on the table. The day is about you, not them. Have a party with your friends that you’ll remember fondly, everything else is just details that you’ll forget about over the next 10-20 years.
I’m a stepdad but I don’t have girl step kids, also their dad is alive so my situation may be different than yours. Given the same scenario I’d be really hurt if I spent 20 years raising someone and this happened. I’m in no way telling you what to do but your stepdad was your father figure, you may feel closer to your uncle but your stepdad is the one you got. You don’t know if your relationship with your dad would have been similar. It’s hard to know if it’s just his nature to take a less involved role. I know I miss baseball games and such but it’s because I’m working or doing things with our other kids. Long story short you make the call obviously but I’d be pretty hurt and embarrassed if this scenario happened to me, I probably wouldn’t go to your wedding and understand why your mom doesn’t want to go.
INFO: Who is paying for the wedding? Do you call your step father “Dad” or use his name?
No man has a right to walk you a grown woman down the aisle and give you away because you are no man’s property. This is a patriarchal holdover from when women were bought and sold between men without the consent of the woman. NTA
NAH (except maybe your mum for making it a whole issue) I think its normal for your stepdad to feel a little hurt but it’s 100 percent your choice.
In my culture it’s the dads brother that would step up for his brothers children so it’s so normal to me you would choose your uncle and not your stepdad. Maybe if you explain it that this is a way youre also incorporating your real father into the day. Your mum had every right to remarry and it was your stepdads choice to marry someone with a child and decide to help (like any normal person would fo for their partner) but that doesn’t mean you had to take him as a father figure.
My own stepdad had always understand that he was never replacing my dad. He did fatherly things at times but was more like an uncle I could go to and he never expected anything from me in return.
Congratulations on your wedding and I know it’s gonna be an emotional one for your uncle to see you and walk you down the aile.
It’s your wedding and you can choose whomever you like. But if you don’t want to hurt stepdad’s feelings, you can have both walk you.
I have seen many brides have 2 people walk her down the aisle… mom and dad, dad and stepdad, etc. No reason why uncle and stepdad can’t do it. If you’re comfortable with that.
ETA: missing word
NTA is your day and you need to choose the one person you feel most conected to. is not transactional. if you dont choose your uncle you are going to regret it.
NTA. It’s your wedding and walking down the aisle is a special moment. Doesn’t matter if you want your stepdad, your uncle, or some guy named Joe you met last week to walk you down the aisle. YOU get to make that choice.
I agree, your wedding your choice. The memory of your uncle walking you down the aisle is gonna be priceless. Congratulations
NTA Intentionally but YTAH nonetheless. Who is PAYING for the wedding? Mom and stepdad or uncle? I know someone in your situation who had her bio uncle stand in for her bio dad and walk her HALF way down the aisle. Then he gave her arm to her step dad. When asked who gives this woman to be married step dad responded “Her mother, her father, posthumously, and I do” Uncle followed them down the aisle and sat two Spaces from the mom and stepdad. They also shared the daddy daughter dances she used Luther Vandross “Dance with my father” to dance with her uncle. There wasn’t a dry eye in the building.
Unpopular question but germane to step-dad’s expectations: Who’s paying for the wedding?
Can’t wait for the rage bait response posts of the ol “my step daughter doesn’t want me to walk her down the aisle so im not paying for her college anymore” and all the dudes start howling and ejaculating.
So weird to raise a child from 7 and have them feel you are “just there”. You say you called him Dad. Very sad situation for the StepDad. YTA.
NTA. It’s your wedding, your choice.
If he was never Dad, I dont see why this is a surprise
NTA. Your wedding, your choice. And the custom is pretty barbaric anyway, since women are no longer property that is handed over from one man to another. But why not let them both walk you down the aisle? The man who was there for you emotionally and the man who was there for you physically/financially? It’s a solution that hurts no one and includes everyone.
NTA
It’s your wedding and your own relationship to determine. Good that he provided for you, but doesn’t sound like he actually put the effort to “raise” you
Honestly I’m with your mom on this one.
Your stepdad was there since you were 7, doing what he could to raise you and provide for you. Anyone would be offended at such a blatant display of indifference. You can do it but expect it to permanently affect your relationship with your mom and stepdad.
I feel bad for him as you stated that he did look hurt. However, it’s your day. If they (mom and stepdad) are paying for any part of the wedding, be prepared for them to possibly decide they no longer will
NTA.
Your Dad tragically couldn’t be there, you get to choose whoever you want to walk you down the aisle instead. There is nothing wrong with you wanting your Uncle to represent him.
That doesn’t mean your Stepfather was terrible, and I don’t think there will be whispering about why it wasn’t him. Any reasonable person would understand your decision.
However, he’s hurt. He felt he stepped in and did the job for years, even if you don’t feel like he’s the primary older man in your life. Not fair to make it about him, but your Mom unfortunately is allowed to be manipulative and play hardball with the only card she has.
At this point it would emotionally be a disaster, because you all know it would be due to force in exchange for your Mom’s presence and not out of true affection for your Stepfather. No one else can really tell you where your own line is. Crummy consequences either way – just pick the one you think you can most live with.
Your wedding isn’t about making other people happy unless they’re paying for it.
NTA but you had to know that was gonna be immensely hurtful to your step-dad and probably could have talked with him first before announcing your uncle had received the honor.
Gentle YTA. You claim he was only there out of duty BUT have you ever considered he didn’t want to overstep and try to force a closer relationship? So many times on here we see that the child gets insane pressure to accept the step as dad BUT in this case he was likely doing the opposite and trying to respect your needs your mother is upset because she has seen the big picture
Can it be both of them? Took two men to step up and fill in for your dad, right?
You need to update the OP to let people know you’ve called this man “dad” for most of your life.
YTA.
NTA Your mom and stepdad will be seated in the front row as parents and at the family table, right? Just because your uncle walks you down the aisle and sits with them after doesn’t make your stepdad irrelevant. If your mother says this is an ultimatum and she won’t come to the wedding, say fine. Let her know what when everyone asks where she is, you will be truthful and tell them she refused to come because her husband couldn’t walk you down the aisle. It’s up to the guests to decide what to think of them both. Then have a wonderful wedding and dance with your uncle at the father-daughter dance. Your mother is the one who loses. But never give in to an ultimatum. She made the decision, she can live with the results of being told no.
It’s never easy being a step parent. How could it? You walk into someone elses lives and have to find a balance of 3rd parent without overstepping the rules and values of the other parents.
I don’t know what he was like when you grew up. But I bet he loves you like his own daughter and did the best he could, while trying to not overstep any boundries.
I don’t think you are YTA, as it’s really your choice and your uncle also played an important role, but do consider breaking tradition and have both take part in walking you up OP.
NTA.
This is gonna be an unpopular opinion (it’s your wedding, do what you want! blah blah blah) but YTA. You have the right to ask anyone you want to take you down the aisle. But that doesn’t mean other people can’t be hurt by your actions, or that you can ignore their feelings without being an asshole.
Fathers provide emotional support, but they also… y’know, provide. Helped raise you, showed up, paid for stuff — that’s dad stuff. Sounds to me like you have three dads. Three good men who did their best to take care of you and raise you into the person you are now. One of them can’t walk you down the aisle, and one… won’t be allowed to? Why?
You didn’t have to choose between your uncle or your stepdad. You could have both walk you down the aisle. That’s why I think YTA, because this whole dilemma is unnecessary. It’s your right to make this choice, but if you show that you don’t value or respect the effort your stepdad put into raising and supporting you (imagine how your life would be without it!) then at the very least, don’t expect that support to continue. You’re an adult now, you can define your own relationships, but so can he and your mother. Maybe he’s not the best at expressing emotion, maybe he felt like he’d be stepping on your uncle’s toes or pushing you unfairly if he tried to ‘replace’ your dad, but the fact that your decision hurt his feelings makes it clear that he thinks of you as his daughter. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t care.
Something to think about.
NTA. Just because someone was present doesn’t mean they were there for you. You’re not throwing shade, you’re just choosing the person who actually showed up for you emotionally. It’s your wedding, not a stepdad performance review.
In this particular case YTA. Think of being a guest at a wedding where the man who raised the bride isn’t walking her down the aisle. It’s a public statement of rejection aimed at your stepfather. I don’t think your lack of emotional connection warrants this level of humiliation.
And think of yourself, too. If you reject your stepfather publicly, given that he raised you without abuse, your pointed omission will distract from the wedding ceremony.
Why not have your stepfather and uncle each take an arm?
Why don’t you have both of them walk you down the aisle, on either side of you?
NTA cos u have who u want walk u down
NTA but I can see why you think you might be but emotions are messy and complicated.
Your stepfather may have seemed not emotionally there for you because he let you father’s brother do the things you associate with being there emotionally.
He may have done it because he did not want to overstep and force a relationship with you but you saw it as emotional indifference.
He may be uncomfortable showing emotion or not know how to show emotions and never realized you saw it as emotional distance.
He may have not wanted to interfere with your relationship with your uncle who is a connection to your dad.
Whatever the reasons you should sit down and talk with him, not your mom. It will be uncomfortable and awkward at first and possibly through the whole conversation but you may find out he cares for you a great deal and showed it by providing for you and as you stated in your post “showing up”.
Many people, men especially, equate physical care such as providing a home and providing for your needs and showing up as showing love.
If it is the case that he cares deeply but could never really show it in a way you could recognize you can perhaps have them both walk you down the aisle or have your uncle walk you down the aisle and your stepfather has the father/daughter dance making space for both of them.
If it turns out this is about his ego or what he thought he deserved you can shrug it off and tell him you appreciate what he has done in providing for you but your uncle is your choice.
Regardless hashing it all out and getting it out in the open to be dealt with is better for everyone in the longterm especially if you are planning to have children because then everyone will know where they stand.
Why not have both?
YTA. You were fine with using his resources all these years and you had a cordial relationship on top of it. It’s not like he was a bad person, abusive, or anything like that.
His only mistake was getting into that relationship in the first place, thinking he had a ready-made, loving family.
YTA. He actually did raise you. He did all the day to day stuff and hard work while your uncle got to be the fun one to take you out and do stuff then hand you back. You will be damaging your relationship with both of them doing this more than you already have. It’s your wedding and your choice but all choices have consequences.
NAH
Context really determines a lot, but the reasons you listed about your uncle are all things your stepdad would have done/did. Good stepparents know not to overstep as kids can inherently hate them just for existing. I would imagine your step dad invested a lot more than your uncle did behind the scenes so was very close to YTA, but in the end it’s your wedding and choice, and the giving away of a daughter has sexist rooting in general.
I think you should talk to your mom about your stepdad and understand how much he did for you, and that him not forcing a relationship on you was likely due to reading how you responded. So don’t worry about the wedding aspect, but I think you could greatly improve your relationship with stepdad if you understood him more.
NTA I think people put way to much focus on weddings. It’s just one day. They should just chill out and let you do whatever you want. The obsession with “status” of a family member because they participated in a wedding or not is stupid.
He was good enough to do all the dad stuff, but not good enough for this. YTA. Your mom is great for standing up for her husband.
Have them both do it
NAH. But maybe, just maybe consider having them BOTH walk you down?
NAH. Its your wedding so you have the right to do what you want.
I also get why he’s hurt and your mom’s freaking out. You’ve called him dad for almost twenty years, and he probably thinks of you as a daughter. This is making a public show of your not considering him your dad, which is coming as a shock to him and your mom.
I have to say, I feel sorry for your step dad. This feels like a punishment for him for not being everything you ever wanted in a father.
NTA. It’s your wedding, and if you feel closer to your uncle, go for it. However, I wonder if you are not giving your stepdad proper credit. Maybe his style wasn’t what you wanted, but he was there. There’s a lot to be said for someone doing one’s duty, especially when it was for someone who wasn’t even his kid. It sounds like your uncle did the fun stuff while your stepdad did the grunt work/utilitarian stuff.
NTA – It’s your wedding and entirely your choice who walks you down the aisle. Many brides choose to have no one walk them down the aisle at all.
My wife’s stepdad was at our wedding, but she chose to have her grandfather walk her to the aisle, then walked down herself. Your wedding is a one-time opportunity for you to show what’s important to you and anyone telling you that you’re the AH for not letting an emotionally distant man walk you down the aisle has lost the plot.
Edit: also don’t listen to the people saying you should have them both walk you down the aisle if you don’t want to do it. The wedding is not about your stepdad. No one except him and your mother are going to even notice that he’s not walking you down the aisle.
Your stepfather was there most of your life.
You are ungrateful.
YTA.
YTA maybe you don’t feel a connection but you called him dad and he has been there for you. Maybe he’s just not as emotionally expressive. Why can’t they both walk you down the aisle?
What about if they both walk you down the aisle? At my sister’s wedding both her Dad and Stepdad walked her down. No feelings were hurt and she was able to honor them both.
NTA
The AH is your mom because her reaction was way more telling than his. Why was your mom so upset? Did she prohibit him from forming a bond with you?
So why didnt your Uncel step up and adopt you then ? sorry but you are disrespectful
You can always compromise and have them both walk you.
I am team stepdad, but it is your choice. Is it worth alienating and hurting mom and “dad”?
Did he participate in your life for your mother’s sake or by love for you?
Everyone is different and so is how we love, we cannot know for you. But it is common to have step parents accept their step children only for their spouse. How was he really with you, is he shy, more demonstrative with others? How did his family welcome you? Do you feel you belong with them or were you always the step daughter? A relationship is more complicated than logistics and money, which are basically the way to stay with your mother, and balancing it after such a loss is very complicated. But did he show up in the way he knows to? If he did, I’d consider having both sharing this moment with you, otherwise you have a complicated choice to make for your future relationship also with your mother.
Aren’t you 8-months pregnant? You’re going to get married when you have a newborn?
Get both uncle and step dad to do it.
I have seen the outfall from a lot of weddings – both good and bad – and to leave step dad out will cause a rift that likely wont ever heal.
You dont feel as emotionally connected to step dad as to your uncle. Though, as you say step dad was never mean he was just very quietly there. You leaving him out, after he raised you, is considered mean by your Mom (or she wouldn’t refuse to go to the wedding) and his feelings are really hurt. Sure, you have have right to stand in principle that its your wedding etc etc, and it’s also true that a wedding is a celebration that either draws people together more or rips them apart.
Said another way, it’s not very wise of you to not give your step dad a mark of acknowledgement for all he did do for you – and since he was living in the same household as you and putting his hand in his pocket and adjusting his life for you, he does deserve acknowledgement for those things he did do – wgich will have been a lot – which are important, even if you dont have that same emotional connection with gum as you do your uncle.
Weddings can either bring people closer together , or push them farther apart. That is really the choice before you. (And who you are pushing away are parents, which is a big deal.)
OP you can choose to do whatever you want. But you also have to accept that others can choose what to do too. I am not sure what your family situation was when your dad passed away and how much your step dad really played a role as a single mom your mother likely values this a lot. A partner stepping up and doing what’s right financially for her daughter. I am sure emotionally your uncle is awesome. But your mom is likely the only one who understands what life with or without this man would have meant to her and you have to respect her choice to stand by him. Both of these men bought different things in your life – one emotional stability the other financial stability. Undervaluing one over the other is your choice. It would be ideal if you could respect and acknowledge what both of them brought to your life in some way. You are blessed to have two men who cared and showed up for you in their own ways as best as they could.
YTA, but it’s your right to alienate your stepfather of 17 years and hurt your mother’s feelings for reasons that you haven’t adequately explained.
YTA for this one. I’m with your mom here. It seems disrespectful to your step dad who raised you. You even said you have been calling him dad since you were a young child. It doesn’t feel right because he’s not your bio dad, but if you feel comfortable with both him and your uncle that would be nice. The wedding isn’t about walking down the aisle, it’s about committing to your partner. It’s only a few seconds of the ceremony and would be a very nice (and expected) thing to do for the only dad you’ve had for most of your life. Not letting him do this, if he wants to, make it seem like you don’t respect or appreciate everything he’s done for you.
I didn’t know my step dad as long as you have but I still had my uncle walk me down. I think Mom was out of line.
YTA – sounds like he did precisely what the most important part of being a dad is, which is showing up and providing. i’d bet money that he made it a point not to be overbearing and try to pressure you into a father daughter relationship. what you see as him not “actually being a father” was him giving grace to a young girl that had lost her dad. if that weren’t the case, he wouldn’t have been hurt by your decision. i bet by any metric your stepdad did far more for you than your fun uncle, but at least your stepdad can go on with the rest of his life knowing he needn’t do anything else for you.
YTA. You show no gratitude to your stepfather in your post.
Soft YTA. As a single parent, you have no idea how special this man is. Some biological parents don’t do what he has chosen to do. And it’s HARD to be a parent. That’s time, energy and money he put into you that he didn’t have to. That’s a display of love and caring. You will probably mature and get some life experience that shows you what you’ve failed to see and regret the non-chalant attitude you’ve taken toward your stepdad. On top of the treatment to your dad, you created unnecessary rift and drama for you parents and uncle. It’s your wedding but as someone who has been there and done that, it’s one day of your life. The hurt is going to last longer.
YTA, as you say he raised you and you called him dad.
A clear reason why I don’t think I could ever be a step-parent. This sort of betrayal is just cruel
I’ve been to a wedding where the couple met at the back of the aisle and walked in together. It was beautiful and I loved it.
You could have your mom walk you down the aisle. Doesn’t have to be a man, it’s not like olden days when a daughter was literally “given” away…
Why do you need anyone to walk you down the aisle? The point of that tradition is to “give away” the bride. You might just want to walk down by yourself. If your step father is paying for the wedding, he may expect a role and may pull financial support because you chose someone else for what he sees as his role.
NTA.. it’s your call but I feel he was there for all the day to day work. Some people are reserved (not sure how was he with your siblings or half siblings .. if you have any). Your uncle also supported you for important occasions but whom did you ask first ?
I
Have both walk you down the aisle. You’ve already hurt him, don’t dig the knife any deeper. It’s only 3 minutes of the ceremony. NTA because it’s your choice even if the wrong one.
He showed up when needed, he paid for stuff, he wasn’t mean or abusive – I am just trying to understand where he faltered. I really don’t know whether you are an ah or not. Can you not let him as well as your uncle both walk you down the aisle
Eventually it is your wedding and your call – I am just trying to understand what more he could have done to prove his love. Unless he is a very extrovert person in general but still is aloof from you, this is just his personality where he bonds via actions rather than words.
NTA, it’s your wedding
The thing is, just being there, is a core duty of parenting that millions of parents fail.
I can’t help but ponder that the sad trauma of losing your Dad at such a young age and his arrival marrying your Mom just two years later, inspired a rejection. Not your fault or even his.
Maybe just too soon. Maybe something your Mom needed to take care of herself and you. I can visualize a young kid not being happy with the change and deciding they will never be happy about it. Regardless of all efforts.
And that you carried more trust emotionally with your uncle. Because he was your Dad’s brother and connected to the “before ” times.
None of that is critical of you through the years or now. But I can understand him feeling hurt. That you may have withheld trust despite his best efforts. And this was a bit of a dagger in a very intimate manner.
Have them share the walk halvsies
I had a somewhat similar conundrum for my wedding. I skipped the whole thing and walked down alone. I still took criticism for it, but that choice allowed me to neutrally side step most of the drama. You’re already in the mess now, so maybe it’s worth considering what your want going forward.
Do you want a relationship with your step father going forward? You cannot take people for granted, and limited access/control for people who are hurtful or disengaged or toxic is one thing….taking someone for granted is something else. Part of growing up is recognizing our parents are human, it’s their first time living too, and you’re step-father might have thought he was engaging fully and respectfully as your parent. Being a step parent is really hard, it’s a game of balance, stepping and out on demand, and maybe he gave your uncle that access and those “special moments” to honor your father’s memory. If you can acknowledge he was hurt and he’s otherwise been a supportive, loving parent figure on his own merits, not compared to uncle, you might want to have a more open mind about this role. Whatever we want to imagine, the person who “gives you away” on your wedding day is a superficial, ceremonial role. You can be married successfully without it, and I’m the proof (married 24 years!) so it might be worth your while to reconsider, talk to your step-father 1:1 about what it was like to be your step-father, about how he feels about you and your relationship, and it might be worth it to allow them both to walk you down the aisle as an investment in the family you want as you step into this next chapter. It’s your wedding and you get to do it whatever way you want, but my advice would be to go as you mean to continue here.
FWIW, your mom is being ridiculous. She’d miss her own daughter’s wedding because you’re struggling with feelings around your various living and dead father figures? That’s stupid and short-sighted and narrow.
YTA/NAH/ESH. It is an archaic thing of passing off the property rights of a woman to the husband in a sense, that part sucks but that’s not the reason for snubbing him so….I get so many traditions being rightfully challenged as they always are but 17 years of being emotionally distant to disrespect him….that part is not cool. I always gotta admit we hardly see a fraction of the picture here though. It would suck if you really damaged relations with your mom, nothing wrong with giving props to the uncle at all. This one is muddy
NTA but I think you need to express these feelings to them at least your mom
Why not have BOTH men walk you down the aisle?
My daughter’s mother and I parted when she was 2. I was ALWAYS there for her growing up. She now has a stepfather who is a really good guy and also is there for her. My daughter isn’t ready for marriage or anything, but I wouldn’t want the stepfather to be excluded from anything.
You get to have whoever you want walk you down the aisle. NTA. Give stepdad some other role if you feel ok about that. I made choices for my wedding that I still regret over 30 years later—I wish I had more done what felt right to me instead of trying to please (and appease) family members.
“He paid for stuff and showed up, but it felt like more like he was doing his duty rather than being a father”
Um no. Paying for stuff and showing up for you wasn’t his duty as a step parent. Kinda sounds like you take him for granted
YTA have both men do it.
I just find this so utterly selfish. YTA.
So you took all the goodies but can’t let him enjoy the mort of being good to you
And ppl wonder why men don’t want to be step parents.
This is a perfect example
This is a tough one. NAH because it’s kind of lose-lose in a way. You have every right to ask whoever you want to walk you, and a large majority of step-parents would be hurt in his shoes. It’s one of the few times there is just no solution where everyone will be happy.
Based on the examples given, it sounds like stepdad was there for all of the day-to-day stuff while uncle did the fun uncle stuff.
I still say NAH, because only OP gets to decide who she’s closest to, but I feel really bad for the stepdad.
NAH.
You can ask who you want to walk you down the aisle at your wedding.
That said, your stepfather raised you, provided for you, showed up for you, and you call him ‘dad’. It’s understandable he’d expect to step into the fatherly role in this way as he’s done in so many others, and it’s a hurtful reevaluation of your relationship for him.
You may find that both he and your mother draw some harder boundaries and/or are more distant as a result, and you’ll need to be prepared for that. But if you think that this is worth it, then you should do what you like.
Gentle YTA. He stepped up and you lived with him for 15+ years. Seems like he stepped up in every way and you also had a wonderful relationship with your uncle also. Have both walk you down the aisle. I agree with mom that’s it’s a bit disrespectful and your step dad must be blindsided. I’m sorry you lost your bio dad & well wishes on your wedding.
Yikes! YTA. How disrespectful.
ETA, you have the right to choose, but really, was he that bad too you? He fed you, gave you all you needed I presume, so I understand his hurt too.
What do you expect after the wedding, if you have kids, is he not the ” real” grandpa? Your uncle is?
UpdateMe.
NTA for choosing how to do your own wedding!
However, I come from this as a stepdaughter who had her step-dad walk her and a step-parent myself, so take this as you will…
Being emotionally close to a child when you aren’t core family from birth is a 2 way street. He may or may not have tried and been shut out/down more than once in the beginning, maybe years, then only took what you willingly gave. Have you reflected on how dismissive you have been over his role or actions towards you?
My biodad wasn’t active in my life as he lived multiple states away, but was a peripheral part of it, so even tho my step-dad is far from an “emotionally attached” man, he did all the dad things. It still created a discussion about why I would choose him over biodad… people made assumptions that he was a bad dad, that he obviously abused me in some way, that I didn’t respect him… and so on.
There is no right answer, but YTA for not realizing how hurtful what you are doing/saying to minimize his love/care for you are.
YTA.
Also. Whos paying for the wedding? Definitely not your uncle?
Side note: People need to stop with trying to shame OP into having no one walk her down the aisle. Ffs, calling her archaic and such. She can plan Her wedding how She wants. You (commenters) don’t believe in it, then don’t have anyone Walk You down the aisle. I didn’t; but I’m not going to insult someone who is choosing to do so.
NTA, not in the least. It’s your wedding, and you’re allowed to have whomever you want walk you down the aisle.
NAH, but here’s what I suggest. Have your mom and stepdad walk you halfway, then have your uncle walk you the rest of the way to the altar. That way everyone who had a hand in your upbringing is represented.
INFO: What has the uncle done that makes him a more important fatherly figure compared to the stepdad who helped raise you and supported you?
Maybe you could have both of them walk you down the aisle if you want to save relationships. I don’t believe you’re wrong at all. As a step dad with two stepdaughters is would never expect them to as me to walk them down the aisle when the time comes. You choose who you want. It’s YOUR wedding and day. Not your moms or stepdads.
YTA you may not be emotionally close but that man most likely put a roof over your head, fed you and made sure you had everything you needed. Did you grow up wondering where your next meal was coming from? When the water or electricity was going to be shut off? Maybe your SD isn’t the emotional guy you want but he was there (unless he was a deadbeat sitting on the couch all day.) I think you need to honor that. If your uncle is remotely an adult he wouldn’t let the
man who put a roof over his brother’s kids head go unrecognized.
Have you thought of sitting down with your step dad and asking him if he felt like your dad? Has it occured to you that he just isn’t a touchy feely emotional person…. ? Maybe he truly loves the absolute crap out of you, like a daughter, and this just sent daggers through his heart because he did everything he could for you… Maybe he thought you did look at him like a father… And he just now found out you didn’t.
Idk. Some things need discussed.
But you have to do what’s best for you. Your wedding day is about you. And that’s that. Period.
But emotions are forever and some things you can’t come back from,.so maybe before making a choice that sticks with this man (stepdad) that has literally been there for you for almost your entire life….. Maybe a conversation (between only you two) is in order.
No judgement on this one- relationships are hard when it comes to death, grief, new parents, new kids, and learning about each other, and misunderstandings about who each other are. You never know.
NTA – because its your wedding but I do know how your SD would feel and his feelings are valid. Sometimes as adults we need to do things that will make someone happy. I don’t know any parent (myself included) that actually liked to go to kids sports or events. They are usually really boring. But we go to show the kids we care and love them.
Looking back as an adult I see all the things my mom did that she didn’t have to do to show she cared. She wasn’t a very vocal or affectionate person but she showed up in other ways.
My dad and I are not very close. Honestly he is an obligation to me. I would have liked my brother to walk me down the aisle instead as I am closer to him. But he is my dad and while he wasn’t there for me much growing up I couldn’t embarrass him so publically like that. Therefore he walked me down the aisle.
Is SD providing funds to help with the wedding. Can you ask him to do a reading or walk your mom down the aisle? Maybe find something else to honor him as well?
Who is paying for the wedding?
so he’s ok to pay for your wedding, but not ok to walk you down the aisle. Got it.
Yes, you are “AITA”
Technically it is your choice so NTA, but you do need to think about the aftermath. You mom and stepdad are probably realizing that you don’t care as much for him as he did you, so your relationship with them will likely change when I can’t walk you down. You have to be ok with that.
What if they both walk you down the aisle one on each side?
NAH, your feelings are valid, just like your step-dads hurt is valid. I noted that he didn’t say much about it, so he wasn’t being a jerk. Your mom might be the AH.
YTA – You have chosen the flashy car instead of old reliable. Not everyone shows love the same way. Did your stepdad tell you he didn’t want to help you chose a college? Or did your stepdad step aside and not force himself into your life so you could have time with your “real family”. The more I write the worse in my mind you are. I’m sending an internet hug to your stepdad. He sounds wonderful and I wish him the best.
The entire tradition of a man walking the bride down the aisle to “give her away” is really disgusting IMO. It’s misogynistic and antiquated. Can’t you make it to the end of the aisle on your own?
I don’t think you’re an asshole.
But I do think your stepdad should refuse to pay for any of your wedding.
YTA. an extremely ungrateful ahole
YTA for not coming up with an original scenario. I’ve seen this at least four times. Of course, it’s a big world. Maybe there are a lot of little girls whose dad dies, mom remarries, stepdad is decent but not nurturing, uncle is closer, girl grows up and asks uncle to walk her down the aisle, and DRAMA.
I can’t understand your situation. I’m a man and I haven’t lost a parent.
That being said, you call him dad. He raised you. He’s been there, even if you never had the emotional availability to bond with him the way you think you should have.
I’m not going to tell you you need to have him walk you down the aisle. What I am going to tell you is that if you don’t, you are going to damage tour relationship with him beyond repair. Whatever bond you do have is going to be strained at best. That goes for your relationship with your mother too.
So many stories like this end up woth the bride regretting her choices after it blows uo the family or causes the step dad to ACTUALLY just show up instead of being involved like before.
Just… make sure that you’ve really thought this through properly. Make sure you aren’t being unfair to a good man who has been there for you. Really think about what might, and is very much going to, change if you make it clear that he’s not your family like he thought he was.
NAH.
NTA Because you can do whatever you like on your special day.
Just keep this in mind though… Your stepdad MAY have been the way that he was, because he didn’t want you to think that he was trying to take your bio dad’s place. He may have been afraid of how you might react if he tried to be closer to you, or, as some young ladies do, he may have wondered if getting close to you would have been interpreted the wrong way.
There are so many variables in this situation. My husband (my children’s stepdad) has been in their life for almost 30 years now, but it took a WHILE for all of them to feel the dad/child emotional bond. My husband didn’t want to overstep, and the kids didn’t want to make their dad feel forgotten even though HE had never done much for them.
In short, my husband is the one that my children buy father’s day cards for, spend Christmas with, get special personalized gifts for, etc… and my EX husband became a BETTER dad once I married my husband, who showed him what a REAL dad does!
My hubby was the one who went to their schools if they forgot their lunch, attended games, and fun events, when they came up. He took them to get school clothes, and Drs appointments. He was the one who went to pick them up when they got stranded somewhere, and went with them to buy their first cars. Their OWN dad did NONE of that, so I guess what I’m saying is that if your dad (stepdad) may not be the emotional type (my husband wasn’t either until about the last 10 years, but he is a good man and loves OUR children).
As I said, you are of course free to do what you want, but maybe see if there is a way to allow your dad to be included in some small way at least. And if you need to, TALK to him about his lack of emotional connection with you. He might be able to explain it to you, or he may have thought that he’d wait for you to WANT one with him.😊
Good luck with everything!
Hopefully, you aren’t expecting your mom and stepdad to pay for your wedding. If I was the stepdad, I wouldn’t contribute to it. He’s been your dad. He’s been a better dad to you than many dads are to their own bio children. Why not be thankful for the sacrifices he has made and give him this honor? This decision will ruin your relationship with him and possibly with your mother (or your mother and stepdads relationship). Did disneyland uncle ask to walk you down the aisle? Did he pay for anything you did during school or college? Did your stepdad? I think you are being a petty little baby. If I was the stepdad, I wouldn’t attend.
YTA. I’m sure this man did the best he was capable of. Hurting his feelings like that is disrespectful. Was he loving and demonstrative with his affection? Probably not as much as a bio dad would be. Did he keep a roof over your head, clothes on your back, food in your belly and gifts under the tree?Yes. Maybe you couldn’t bond with him because YOU were lacking the abilility to bond with him after YOU lost your dad. Totally reasonable. I lost my dad when I was 8 so I get it! Give him the respect he deserves and have both of them walk you down the aisle.
Hope it’s worth all the awkwardness that’s going to occur at family gatherings.
He sounds like a solid father figure. A lot of people would kill to have a step-parent be half as decent as him in their life. I think it’s a bit unfair to snub him.
Is step-dad paying for the wedding?
I think he deserves some acknowledgement of his role in your life. Maybe have both men walk you down the aisle?
From the detail you’ve provided, I think you are ever so slightly the AH.