We have been together a little over two years, but just engaged a few months . We are in the height of wedding planning and has been arguing quite a bit lately about various things. We usually never fight like this, but it has definitely brought out the worst in us and brought out some tremendous stress. Usually, we apologize and move on or talk through it before it gets to a point that it’s too much.
We got into an argument last night about how we haven’t been having sex lately (brought up by me), and I told him that it’s important that we don’t go to bed angry, and that we continue to prioritize sex in our relationship.
He then got super defensive and said “I used to have sex with Blair every day multiple times a day, her and I never fought!” *blair is a fake name of course for his ex.
I felt like I had been shot after he said that. I don’t know why he would say something that would hurt me so bad or cut me so deeply when I’m trying to literally fix something that needs fixing in our relationship and I’m aware of it. I’m pretty sure the reason he never fought with his ex is because they didn’t actually talk about anything and they basically only met up to sleep together from what he told me.
I just don’t know how I can get past what he said and now I don’t even feel comfortable being intimate with him because it’s all I can think about is that he’s comparing me to her. I’ve put the wedding planning on a pause for now. We’ve already paid so much towards this. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but what he said really hurt me. I’ve told him this and all he has said was that he was sorry and he doesn’t know why he said it, but it’s done. What can I do?
His parents are in town and I’m supposed to go to dinner with them tonight. They just gave us some money for the wedding and I know that if I don’t go they will know that something is wrong. I would feel really guilty not going .
He has begged for my forgiveness all morning, but I just don’t want to talk to him. I don’t wanna see his face. I can’t even look at him the same. My heart literally hurts and I know that’s stupid.
I told him I don’t know how we’re gonna get past this and he keeps telling me to just give him a chance, but I don’t know if I want to. I know that maybe I just need some time and maybe we need to go to premarital counseling but everything is still fresh right now.
TLDR: my ex compared me sexually to his ex during an argument
Comments
That dude ain’t ready to be married. Put wedding on pause and get into couple’s therapy.
He clearly has things he needs to talk about, and you likely do, too. Why aren’t you two having sex?
Let’s establish right away that what he said was vile and you’re not being dramatic for feeling upset and disgusted by his comment. It’s okay for you to take some time if you need and you are not the problem if this throws off the plans. He is the problem for shaming his fiancee and bringing up how much he used to sleep with his ex.
Zooming out a little, this whole wedding situation has moved very fast. Two years is not that much time in the grand scheme of things and coincidentally the time in a relationship when you just start to figure out who your partner really is. Don’t push through a marriage just because there’s money invested.
He was shifting the blame to you, when you said something as obvious as don’t go to bed angry and prioritize sex, he was telling you that you are the problem, not him. I would take this man to a therapist before you move forward with wedding plans. If you have a date already, that obviously puts a timeline but I’m going to say that a man that wants to cut you like that for something kinda innocuous shows you that he is probably capable of verbal and emotional abuse down the road when it gets ugly. He knows what to say to mess with you. Don’t ignore your feelings or your gut, but you can sort out how you feel before telling his family and putting a lot of pressure on having to explain things. You aren’t wrong to clock this red flag, don’t let this man make you feel inadequate, he is trying
This man is not an adult who is ready for marriage.
Don’t go to dinner. He can explain it to his folks.