My brother’s wedding is this weekend, and he is going all out. He has all of the men wearing full tails and waistcoat and has hired a fancy venue.
I just got off the phone to my Mum, who spent half the call commenting on how nice I look with stubble instead of a beard and saying things like “you are going to shorten it, aren’t you?”, “you can have your beard however you like in your own life, but this is your brother’s wedding”.
AITA for choosing to neaten my beard and hair to look very presentable, but refusing to shave my beard and cut my hair to a regular “short back and sides” look?
My argument in this is that this is how I look now – if they want me to come to a wedding, then I’d love to come, but I’m not going to fundamentally change how I look to fit someone else’s ideal of how I should look.
The reason I think I might be the AH is that, ultimately, it is still my brother’s wedding, and he also said “you are going to shave that, aren’t you?” when we had a call recently.
EDIT TO ANSWER SOME OF THE COMMON QUESTIONS:
My beard is not enormous, I regularly trim it back to shortish, but it is full and clean and I have already told them that I will be making it very presentable. My hair will be tied in a bun. I will be seeing my barber 2 days before the wedding to make it all as presentable as possible
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Okay I know that a person’s special day should be all about them but this is crossing boundaries. It’s your body, do whatever you want with it and if they can’t accept you as you are then maybe don’t attend the wedding. Surely your presence is worth more to your family than a beard problem?
You have already agreed to a compromise. NTA.
If it’s what you mom wants and not what the bride and/or groom want, then don’t change to appease her. It isn’t her wedding. You could ask what they want you to do if you feel so inclined.
Is your hair and beard unkempt? Generally speaking in some cultures it’s considered rude to not look presentable to events like a wedding or funeral.
Ultimately this is your appearance. For me, I guess it all depends on how dramatic a cut this is. If what they’re asking is to shave down a short beard, fine. I have a short beard and regularly trim it down to stubble. If someone asked me to alter my appearance to stubble for a special event, I’d consider it.
If your mom and brother are EXPECTING you to look a certain way and didn’t tell you in advance and are now guilt tripping you, TTAH.
Go to a professional barber, get them to tidy it up and go with your beard.
INFO: is your beard messy and long? Be honest with urself.
I mean if your beard is really scraggly and patchy there might be merit to it. It’s a bit extreme to ask to cut it off entirely. I don’t think you’re rude for not cutting it off. Soooo…
Compromise and get it shaped professionally and make sure it has a good line up, where it starts getting thin and frizzy, get that cut off.
NTA
Just be prepared for the “I can’t believe you’re choosing your beard over your brother’s wedding” comments
And remind them, it’s your brother and mum that are saying the wedding is more important than your body autonomy. They’re the ones creating the issue
As long as it’s not unclean, unkempt, slovenly, NTA. It’s understandable they would want you to look tidy, clean and presentable but, that can be achieved without you having to cut your hair and shave your beard off, and totally altering your appearance. I think they’re being a bit unreasonable, and asking too much.
I think it helps to separate a private family event like a wedding from public life. When someone invites you to a private function, they’re free to set a tone or ask for certain standards. You also have the same freedom to decide whether those terms work for you. That’s part of how voluntary association works, no one’s forcing either side, it’s just a matter of whether the terms line up with what you’re comfortable with.
From what you wrote, you’ve already said you’re going to neaten your beard and hair, which sounds like you’re trying to meet them partway. If the only point of disagreement is that they want you to go further and you don’t feel like doing that, then it becomes a question of whether attending with your beard as you prefer is something they’ll accept, or whether their preference for a specific look is non‑negotiable. If it’s non‑negotiable and you feel strongly about keeping your look, then it’s honest to let them know in advance so no one’s surprised.
I wouldn’t call you wrong for holding your ground on how you present yourself. It’s your appearance, and outside of their freedom to set their own standards for a private event, no one else has a claim on that. If they value your presence more than the look, they’ll choose you as you are. If they value the uniformity of a certain style more, that’s their call too. You can decide based on that whether you want to attend under those conditions.
In the end, it’s not about forcing respect or forcing conformity, it’s about choosing whether you want to coexist under the terms of that invitation. There’s no obligation either way, just a choice.
Are they also going to check to ensure you don’t wear whitey tightys and are in boxers? Maybe dictate the type of deodorant to use? Talk about over controlling. Makes it seem like they are more concerned with your ‘presentation’ that with YOU actually being there.
NTA – your beard, your hair. If she wants to decide how to style it she should grow one herself
Is this your mums request, or your brothers? I would contact him to see what he wants. He may turn around and tell your mom to shut her yap.
Assuming that it is coming from your brother, are you willing to shave? it’s the only question you need to deal with.
NTA
NTA. If your brother or his fiancé have not said anything, then ignore your mother. They are the ones you should be concerned about.
Your body. Your choice.
My husband’s mom does the same thing to him … he’s 52.
I finally said but I like it the way he has it and don’t want him to cut it and she told me that I was crazy! Lol
I told her I’m the one who has to live with it and if I’m okay with it it’s his body his choice!
I can’t stand people like this. Go as you are, it’s absolutely none of their business and it’s outrageous to demand you change something that’s so personal and individual to you. If they want you to make a temporary change, such as wearing different clothes or style yourself a certain way, that’s fine. But they can’t demand you shorten your hair or beard substantially as that’s more long lasting, and takes weeks if not months to undo.
NTA – this sounds like your MUM’s preference, not your brother’s. He knows you have a beard and I doubt he’s the one who wants you to cut it back for appearances sake. Getting your hair and beard neatened up is plenty – don’t cut it off and have a chat with your brother to make sure he knows what’s up.
This is crazy to me. Would they prefer for you and your beard to stay home?
NTA. You are getting it cleaned up, you will look presentable. You can’t magically make it grow back the day after their wedding for “your own life” Also I’d note that this isn’t coming from the bride or groom, so it doesn’t hold water. It would be too much coming from them, but coming from anyone else it is irrelevant. It is their wedding and they aren’t requesting changes, I take that to mean they approve of your look.
INFO: are you standing up with your brother or are you just a regular wedding guest?
If you’re part of the wedding party I can see a bit of wanting everyone to be “presentable” and if you had say, a Duck Dynasty beard and hair I could see their point. However, they should have clarified that early on so you could decline and just come as a guest.
If you are just a guest and they are demanding this, I’d tell them to go kick rocks wearing open-toed shoes. It’s totally unreasonable to ask. The reason they are doing it is because you’re family and they think they can boss you around.
NTA if you’re not in the wedding party, then you should be able to sell your hair and beer however you want as long as you look decent.
NTA.
NTA
Assuming you don’t look like a homeless person who walked in off the street. Beards are normal now. Your mom isn’t George Steinbrenner.
NTA
Assuming you don’t look like a homeless person who walked in off the street. Beards are normal now. Your mom isn’t George Steinbrenner.
I’m going against the tide here-but it’s just hair. Maybe the beard comes off and the hair gets trimmed and in a bun. Beards grow back quickly. If you care about your brother think about it…
This is right up there with a bridezilla demanding her girls dye their hair, cut it or cover tattoo’s. I, personally don’t like dress codes for guests. You either want them at your wedding the way they are and can afford, or you don’t
Is it just your mom wanting this? Has your brother mentioned anything to you about it? If it’s gonna be neat and tidy I don’t see a problem with a beard and hair. I know it’s their wedding, but they shouldn’t try to change how you look.
nta
I think the weddings get more and more ridiculous, also I feel way too many of those who focus so much on the appearance/style at weddings forget to also prepare for the marriage (like save some of the money for a home, education, rainy day fund, …) and so on
If someone only sees you as an cut-out fill in, maybe send a life-sized cut-out photo instead /s (not serious meant)
NTA
it’s your beard. They don’t get to dictate your facial hair
Are we talking ZZ Top chest length beard, or Idris Elba beard? It’s your body, but I think I’d pay money to see how a chest length beard and bun looks with full tails. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it done. That said, I would have thought this subject might have come up a lot sooner than a few days before the wedding.
I would only be concerned with what the bride and groom asked.
NTA- But please let them know ahead of time, so if they decide they only want you as a guest, they can do that. Of course, that would make them the AH. Heaven forbid your hair should mess with their preferred esthetics.
At the point when a person is asked to be in the bridal party is when any requests on appearance should be made. After both sides accept, requests for any changes should be off the table.
In this case, if the groom accepted his brother with a full beard, and there was no initial facial hair “rule” agreed to, then it is totally up to OP how to groom his beard, short Of dying it a strange color.
Nta
btw the initial verbal contract should include all expectations of expenses and duties
They won’t care how long it is if you dye it purple
Don’t cave my friend my family guilt tripped me into cutting my hair for my step sisters wedding which as a trans woman was even harder and it ruined my hairline at 16 and honestly I think they did it deliberately they either want you there or they don’t but changing the way you look and are happy with dramatically just for one person’s day is stupid and selfish on their parts nta