This is a long one I apologise but I need to get it off my chest and just confide in others.
My husband has a cuckholding fetish and sissy fetish. I’ve always been a bit on the fence about the sissy stuff as I really find it hard seeing my partner get so sexually excited about being dressed up as a female and wanting huge dildos in his ass as it has made me question his sexuality and how he feels about his born and portrayed gender he has everyday.
My issue is, is that this fetish got sprung on me about 4 months into the relationship 7 years ago, but it’s like it’s getting more intense. In the early days he’d want marathon sessions of being pegged and dressing up – a lot of the time he knew I wasn’t feeling it, but didn’t care, there would be a lot of pleading and guilt tripping to make me partake in the pegging.
Friday night I finally reached a point where I felt annoyed and frustrated. Every sexual encounter we’ve had for the last three years he will not get off without asking me to “talk dirty” to him. EVERYTIME it’s about me getting fucked by black guys, telling me I want big black dick and not his cock, telling me he’s going to make me use the huge black dildos he has in his toy collection. He starts telling me I’m getting all wet over it and it just gets really, really intense that I feel like I’m just some sex toy myself and not his partner. It’s got to the point he can not cum without having to get me to talk about getting nailed by black dudes. Around 4 years ago I caught him on trans dating websites and subscribing to OF girls and one trans lady to get “tasks” to do like sucking dildos etc and he was also posting looking for hook ups on certain sites. This has also left a massive dent in my confidence as I’d only just recently given birth when he was doing this and some of it was in my pregnancy. I honestly just feel like I’m not enough as just my complete self to satisfy him.
I spoke to him about it Saturday morning and he just flipped. I said to him it would be nice if just once in a while we could have sex as just us as a couple rather than me always having to talk about getting fucked by other guys and him being dressed up as a woman watching it. I’ve started dissociating during sex I think due to the early times in the relationship where it was manipulative to make me engage in his sexual fetishes by doing things like begging me or making me feel bad for not being into it. I said I don’t feel like sex is about me – he does give me oral, but it’s always on the back of him getting horny and wanting me to touch him while talking about BBC. I’ve found my sex drive is non existent at the moment because of this and he’s constantly wanting sexual stuff because he’s constantly thinking about me getting fucked by black guys and he’s said this to me like sometimes he’ll go “im horny because im thinking about you riding bbc” then be really forceful in getting me to play with him. I constantly get told I get off on this and it really isn’t true, I don’t, I don’t get off on the thought of me getting fucked by other dudes other than my husband. I know polyamory and swinging is for some, but not for me, I married to be bound to my husband.
As soon as I said to him that having just normal sex once in a while without having to talk about black cock or cuckholding would be nice. He absolutely hit the roof with me and told me I’m boring in bed, I’ve made him feel like crap for saying it and kink shaming him etc – which totally isn’t the case, I’m willing to still indulge in his fantasies, but meet me halfway and sometimes have sex with me where it’s just about us two being close. It really hurt me that he said I’m boring in bed, I’ve been going along with his fetish stuff for so long, to keep him happy and it isn’t enough. I feel like I don’t even have a purpose in his life sexually without playing into these fetishes. I’ve forgiven him for being disloyal to me with this fetish and when I ask for us to just be us no fetish in with it, I’m boring and rubbish in bed. Then he turned round and said he did that shit online because I wasn’t giving it him ( I was, that’s what hurts) I just don’t know what more I can do? I’ve told him how I feel and what my needs are and I’m made to feel awful for it.
Honestly don’t know how to feel or what to do and I just needed to vent and get some advice
TL;DR husbands cuckhold and BBC fetish (M33) is destroying our 7 year relationship and sex life. Me (F30). Just need to vent and hear others views on it.
Comments
It sounds like he has an addiction, if you guys aren’t sexually compatible that is a perfectly fine reason to not be together. He values his pleasure over your feelings/respecting you.
This is deeply disturbing, because it sounds like you’ve been doing all of this coercively, and not getting any enjoyment out of it. He seems to have no problem pressuring and guilting you, and you’ve been doing this for years. He’s gotten pretty used to this pattern and getting what he wants.
He’s using kink shaming as a way to make you feel guilty and control you.
This is a type of emotional abuse, and I don’t think any therapy is going to help you out of this. You’re deeply incompatible and you haven’t been getting your needs met for years.
It’s time to take control of your life and leave this man, and get some therapy to unpack your self esteem and confidence, and uncover how you got to this place where you didn’t believe your needs mattered for this long.
I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this place.
I’m skeptical there’s a healthy solution that doesn’t involve leaving this person.
Does he ever please you sexually or is it always about him? It sounds all about him 100% of the time which is why I ask. Also, how is he as a husband outside of the sexual stuff? Is he always talking about sex nonstop, is he making you feel special, helps out around the house, just cherishes a quiet night at home with you?
Oh girl, he really doesn’t care about you in the slightest – it’s all about him and what he wants. The fact that he had a tantrum simply because you’re not up for playing into his fetish 24/7 says it all. You’re still young, you deserve to be with someone who treats you as more than a prop in their strange role play.
Therapy time! Couples and individual. You need to address the issue of his sexual needs being met while completely ignoring yours.
I’m not going to judge the fetish itself — I would have a problem with it at face value, but that’s not the issue here.
The issue here is that you are in an abusive dynamic. When don’t want to do what he wants to do, he seeks to coerce you. He doesn’t care what you like or want, he only cares about what he wants. You say yourself, he knows that you are uncomfortable and he still pushes you. You say yourself, you feel like you’re a sex toy. This is not a relationship.
You need to start preparing to leave. You will need support. Do you have friends? Family? Do you have access to therapy?